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Sex Advice From Drunk People

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Roger, 23

What are some things to keep in mind when you’re having drunk sex?
I guess, to start, it’s all about keeping it up, from the male perspective. More than that I can’t say, really, much. Be respectful.

What has drinking taught you about dating?
When you’re drunk you speak far too often. You think certain amounts of dialogue are appropriate when they’re very inappropriate, in fact. So you might be trying to tell a girl she’s attractive, but you end up saying "I want to do you because you have a big butt." Censored. Internally. Poorly. There was so much going on right there; it was difficult to…convey.

My girlfriend’s friend hit on me. I’d feel guilty not telling her, but how should I do it?
Bring it up over dinner maybe? A dinner conveys a certain sort of sentiment. When you’re out to dinner with a girl — because you care about them, one — two, because you’re trying to impress them, obviously, so if you’re reached that certain level in your relationship when you’re both trying to be considerate and impress them at the same time… I just do not want this. I’m sorry.

I went on three great dates with a guy, and then he disappeared. Now, three months later, he called me. What should I do?
Well do you not know, to a certainty, he was not in another country? I feel like that’s a pretty obvious response to: "I haven’t heard from you in three months."

But he wouldn’t have mentioned that?
Some things are pretty spontaneous. It’s hard to understand — what if he’s a musician?

What?
If he’s a musician and all of a sudden his band got signed and he wasn’t that into you, why is he going to reference the fact that he’s leaving for New Zealand in two days?

My boyfriend is bi and wants to have a threesome with his gay friend. I’m down, but what should I do as a girl to not throw off the gay guy’s mojo?
I have no idea.

You have a very bad imagination.
My imagination stopped at age eleven.

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A Note From Your Drunk Date

Carla, 23

What are some things to keep in mind when you’re having drunk sex?
Don’t vomit. Try to stay awake. When you’re having drunk sex… I feel like whenever I’m having drunk sex, it’s like I’m going to black out at any moment now, so stay awake.

What’s the best way to pick up a drunk person?
Move your hand towards their crotch. That usually works. I think it’s effortless.

What has drinking taught you about dating?
Um, what has drinking taught me about dating? With you in my face, this is a little too much. I have to think about it. Hold on…I think that entire relationships can be based on being drunk.

I want to send someone a drink at a bar. How can I figure out what to send?
You can never go wrong with a shot.

What kind of shot?
It depends on what they’re wearing.

My girlfriend’s friend hit on me. I’d feel guilty not telling her, but how should I do it?
I think you should just tell. Maybe you’ll all have a threesome.

What’s the one thing guys or girls always do wrong with foreplay?
If they’re in their own world, and they’re not really conscious of how you might feel. I remember one guy who was in his own world, and I felt like I was just this prop. I would say don’t treat whoever you’re with like a prop.

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Sex Advice From Potheads
Miss Information: We’re just friends — until we get drunk and naked.
A Note From Your Drunk Date

Warren, 24

So, what are some things to keep in mind when you’re having drunk sex?
It’s all about finishing. The number one plague of the sexually active drunkard is whiskey dick so don’t think about baseball and don’t try to hold off and come off as quickly as you can because that’s her biggest fear and yours.

What has drinking taught you about dating?
What has drinking taught me about dating? Let’s talk about what dating taught me drinking which is to say that is a great icebreaker, best done with strangers…I forgot the question. What has drinking taught me about dating?

My girlfriend’s friend hit on me. I’d feel guilty not telling her about it but how should I do it?
Sit her down, preface it with a little bit of wine and make sure to reiterate the fact that you actually like her, if you do — if you like the friend more then this question is irrelevant —but if you like her and want to continue the relationship then bring it up in a casual way: "Hey I was flattered because your friend hit on me but I felt a little bit uncomfortable because I love you. I wanna marry you." It’s funny, I didn’t think I was drunk until I started doing this.

My boyfriend is bi and wants to have a threesome with his gay friend. I’m down but what should I do as a girl to not throw off the gay man’s mojo?
Well, my girlfriend is a gay male so I can empathize. I say you sit down with your boyfriend before the whole thing starts and make a couple ground rules and if you’re uncomfortable with certain sexual acts then make that explicit and if not, agree that you’re going to have the experience, whatever’s gonna happen is gonna happen, at the end of the night he’s going to go home, the two of you will sleep in the same bed and in the morning —

I think you’re confused. The question was what should the girl do to be considerate of the gay guy.
Cross your legs, sweetheart.

I’m dating a woman fifteen years older than I am who happens to be friends with my mom. How do I tell my mom without her freaking out?
That’s a doozy. Never been there. I will say that once my mom’s boyfriend hit on me which is sort of the same situation in reverse… I’m restarting my answer. Sit her down and be honest. If you’re both adults and you have a close relationship with your mother she should be happy to know that you’re dating and finding happiness with someone that she likes and that you like.

What’s one thing that guys should never do during foreplay?
Ejaculate.

What’s one thing guys should definitely do during foreplay?
Kiss your neck. That shit feels great.

FIND MORE
Sex Advice From Potheads
Miss Information: We’re just friends — until we get drunk and naked.
A Note From Your Drunk Date