Sex Advice from Drunk People: St. Patrick’s Day

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Our intrepid reporters spend the day among the mobs at McSorley's pub in NYC.

Scott, 4:33pm

What’s the best way to get laid on St. Patrick’s Day?
Well, it helps to wear green. I was in Hoboken a couple of weeks ago and I had a beard. Apparently that helped out a lot.

Women love beards?
Apparently. It was well maintained, not too scruffy.

I’m trying to spend the whole day out drinking on St. Patrick’s Day, but I’m worried I might get too drunk to hook up with someone later. Any advice?
Five Hour Energy is great. If he’s got performance issues, I don’t know what to tell you. Eel is great, the Japanese say. A sort of natural Viagra.

Two of my close friends are dating. I just found out accidentally that one of them is cheating. Am I obligated to say something to the other?
Isn’t there a movie out about this? With Vince Vaughn and the fat guy from King of Queens? Being a guy, I’d talk to my boy, if it was the girl cheating. If it was the guy cheating, and I was good friends with the girl, I’d probably call the guy an idiot, and tell him he needs to quit doing it and talk to her. I’d definitely confront one of them, though.  


Dexter, 3:15pm

What is the best way to get laid on St. Patrick’s Day?
It’s important to pace yourself. Don’t get so shit-faced that you would, A, shit yourself, B, piss yourself, or C, throw up on the person you’re talking to.

Have you ever done any of those?
I can’t tell you. I’ll go with choice D, none of the above. Or choice E, I can’t tell you.

Have you ever had good sex on St. Patrick’s Day? Or sex at all?
Yes to both. But usually only average, actually, I would say.

Because we start drinking at eight a.m.

My boyfriend doesn’t know how to please me orally, what kind of tips should I give him?
The way you kiss a girl sensually, it should almost be like that — when you kiss her down there.

Your friend said something about humming the alphabet, before?
Oh, well I’m a big fan of that. [Friend: “Tell em what you call it!”] We call it the “Morgan Special.”


Ava, 2:05pm

What’s the best way to get laid on St. Patty’s?
It’s pretty easy. I mean you just have to pick the drunkest guy in the bar. There are generally more guys than girls out on St. Patrick’s Day, so you kind of get your pick of the litter.

What is you best St. Patrick’s Day pick-up line? Do you use “Kiss me, I’m Irish”?
I mean, I suppose you could, if you couldn’t think of anything else. And it probably depends on how many beers you’ve had.

What’s your drunk pick-up line?
Baby, take me home. I’m ready.

Have you ever gone home with guy on St. Patty’s?
It’s really hard to remember.

I’m really good friends with both members of a couple and I know one is cheating. Is it my responsibility to say something?
It depends. But the truth is that girls never leave their cheating boyfriends. So don’t ruin your friendship. That’s unfortunate but true.

My boyfriend has not been pleasing me orally, what should I do to help him along?
Don’t be afraid to tell him what you want, be specific. Men have to be led into clothing stores, into grocery stores, and pretty much every which way. So, lead them in this one too, and you’ll be happy.


Tyler, 12:47pm

What’s the best way for me to get laid on St. Patrick’s Day?
It’s very easy, Libby. Just look for anybody wearing green who you think is cute, whisper to them “Kiss me, I’m Irish,” and that’s all you need. But that’ll just get you a kiss. After that, you’ve got to do what you’ve got to. You know what I’m saying.

I do. I know exactly what you’re saying. On to questions. If I’m trying to get laid on St. Patrick’s Day, what’s a good way not to drink too much, so I’m not too drunk to have sex later?
It’s all about pacing yourself. Which is hard, considering I’m starting at eight in the morning. At McSorleys! But, you’ve got to eat a lot of corned-beef and cabbage during the day, drink some water every once and a while, a Five Hour Energy, maybe. But generally, the atmosphere of everyone enjoying being Irish, everyone enjoying St. Patrick’s Day will keep you going.

My boyfriend and I love each other, but he hasn’t been very successful in getting me off. What can I do to help him improve his skills?
Does he know the alphabet?

Why does that matter?
Because he’s got to learn to lick the alphabet. If he can lick the alphabet, everything’s good after that. You know what I’m saying.


Cecilia, 11:07am

What’s the best way to get laid on St. Patrick’s Day?
I think you just have to be a chick. At a bar.

What’s your opening line, if you’re trying to hit on a guy at a bar?
I don’t think you need one. Just, “what’s up?” And give ‘em the nod. Or, just be real bold and say, “So, do you want to go have sex in the bathroom?”

Have you ever actually had sex in the bathroom of a bar?
Yes. [Laughs]

Well, you’re in good company. So, on to questions: I want to go out to a bar on St. Patrick’s Day. What do I do if I meet someone and I’m too drunk to have sex? Are there any techniques?
Call it quits. You’ve got to call it quits on that one. If you’re too drunk, you’re too drunk. That’s why you’ve got to make it point to have it happen beforehand. In a bar bathroom, if need be. Then you can have a couple more and go home.

Two of my close friends are dating. I just found out accidentally that one of them is cheating. Am I obligated to say something to the other?
I don’t think so. It just puts you in a bad place. If it was my best friend, I would probably tell. Hopefully you’re good enough friends that she’ll actually listen to you. Because unless you’re really close, you guys will probably just get in a fight and stop talking.


Gary, 9:45am

Is “Kiss me, I’m Irish?” a functional pick-up line?
If I was single, probably.

I thought we were going home together after this interview.
That is incorrect.

My boyfriend is not the best lover. What can I tell him? I don’t want to hurt his feelings.
Okay. First thing is that you need to start by stimulating the female in order to make her come. You can’t just jump right into it. Although some women do come by that method, the percentage is very low. You have to start by first getting them in the mood, kissing their necks, their earlobes. Work your way down, work on the boobs for a short time. Then, uh, you go south.

What happens south?
You give a few puppy-dog licks, you know, five, maybe six. Then you start moving your tongue around the entire rim of the vagina — make a few rotations — and then, at that point, you just focusing on the clit area…

Wow, okay, so, for a more PG question…
…And then I suck on the clit, I do.

Two of my friends were dating and they broke up. I’d like to remain friends with both of them, but I’m worried it will get awkward. Any advice?
The best advice I can give you is that when it comes to events that include large groups — which is the only time real conflicts could occur — whichever one responds first that they’re coming, always let the second one know, as soon as you can, that his or her ex will be there.

Should you avoid drinking?
Why would anyone avoid drinking?