Advice

Sex Advice From Dungeons & Dragons Players

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Kate, 21

What has being a D&D player taught you about dating?
If you're going to date friends, be willing to deal with the consequences. My Game Master and best friend recently divorced — killing three long-term games in the process. On the other hand, dating your dice-mates  guarantees that when you joke about the enhancement bonus of your morning coffee, you won't just get a blank look. Plus, they'll understand why you can't go out on Friday night — your party needs you!

On the positive side, being a D&D player has made me understand the importance of respect in relationships, even about the little things. If my partner has disdain for my hobbies, things aren't going to last. There's very little dignity in rolling dice and slaying dragons, but it's what I like to do. So when someone I like mentions that they scrapbook, I try to respect that. And not snicker. Too much.

What's the best way to pick up a D&D player?
If you're a geek and you see a girl geek browsing the comic books and players' manuals, don't make assumptions. Nothing irritates me more than having someone tell me what I'm holding. I know what I'm holding. Aside from the fact that I came in here specifically looking for it, I CAN READ. Instead, try a trivia tidbit or a commentary on the quality/author/whatever. Your goal is to sound interested, not condescending. For the non-geek, we're really not that strange and different, but we tend to be a little defensive. Be willing to listen, stumble through some conversation you don't have the lingo for. Don't mock. Unless your romantic candidate starts talking about their characters in detail. No one finds that interesting. Really. Get out while you still can.kate

My girlfriend and I have been together five years, and things are getting a little boring. We've been thinking about role-playing to spice things up. Is this a good idea?
If we're talking about the intersection of D&D and sex, it is my firm opinion that that kind of role-playing has no place in the bedroom. Leave Arakos the Dragonslayer at the table. Also, dice in bed would probably be a bit like walking on legos; those d4s are basically caltrops. On the other hand, if you leave the DM's Guide on the shelf and break out the skimpy costumes, you could be in for a good time. If you play D&D, you have great experience for getting in character — but you can't rely on rolling a twenty for a good performance. Sorry. You have to do the work yourself.

I'm sort of embarrassed to have my parents meet my current girlfriend. She's very artistic, loud, and doesn't censor herself. I'm afraid it will rub my conservative parents the wrong way. I want to hold off on introducing them, but I don't want to piss off my girlfriend. What should I do?
Warn your parents that Charisma is your girlfriend's dump stat. Tell them she can come on strong, but that she's important to you. Ask them to be a little understanding. And talk to your girlfriend — tell her that while you enjoy her no-holds-barred style of conversation, your parents might be shocked, so could you work together to craft a great first impression? I'm assuming you don't want her to change — you just don't want her to scare off your parents, or vice-versa. Don't be demeaning to either party. You want to smooth out the introduction, not set them up to be arch-nemeses.

When my boyfriend gets drunk, he likes to flirt — with other men. But he's straight the rest of time. What's going on?
Look up the Kinsey scale. A lot of people exist outside of easy categories, instead residing somewhere on a spectrum between straight and gay. Same-sex attraction doesn't preclude heterosexual attraction, and it doesn't mean your boyfriend will ever act on it. Especially if it's only cropping up when he's drunk, he probably has slight attraction but is "mostly straight." Who you flirt with when you're drunk doesn't necessarily correlate to who you want to sleep with. Hell, I'd probably flirt with a houseplant, given enough tequila.

I have a cute friend who gets really affectionate when drunk. I wouldn't turn her down, but I'm not sure how she feels about me. Should I bring it up or just let the moment happen?
Don't let it "just happen" while both of you are drunk. If she's impaired, you can't be certain it's genuine and not just a product of intoxication. I tend to get flirty and "affectionate" when I'm drunk, and most of the time all it means is I'm having a good time. You don't want to end up being a morning-after regret. Make a move while you're both sober — something wildly dramatic like, "Do you want to go out on a date sometime?" It's classic.

My boyfriend suggested we try watching porn while having sex. It was fun at first, but now he watches it every time we're together. I know guys like porn but he's too into it.  How do I bring this up without sounding like a prude?
It's not prudish to want to be the center of attention when your boyfriend is having sex with you. Otherwise you're just a fancy blow-up doll. Inspiration is one thing. Fixation is another. Remind your boyfriend that the porn isn't supposed to be the point. If it's fun sometimes, but not always, make that clear — your desires are as important as his. If he makes a stink, hand him some lube and go read a book. Obviously your involvement is superfluous. See how long he holds out.

 

Devon, 23

How soon into the relationship should a player bring a twelve-sided die into the sack?
I am going to interpret your question literally and assume you are planning to fashion a string of anal beads out of the dice. A word of warning: they have slightly pointed edges that can cause discomfort. I would recommend starting with a d4 and working your way up. Usually, the third date is a good time to introduce this.

My girlfriend and I have been together five years, and things are getting a little boring. We've been thinking about role-playing to spice things up. Is this a good idea?
It's definitely a good idea. Role-playing can be exciting and fun for both of you! Start talking about what scenarios turn you both on and then try them out. If you need something to get those creative juices turning… You're the level 4 adventurer, braving the Gibbering Mouther's lair. Now strap on the prosthetics and let the sparks fly!  Keep going at it, even if you feel silly. He or she will let you know when you can stop.devon

I've been dating this great girl for a couple months. She's smart, gorgeous, but there's one problem: she's not funny. At first, I laughed along to be nice, but it's becoming a chore. What should I do?
Normally, I'm all about communication, but in this case (if you don't happen to have a good Scroll of Silence handy) you might just have to man up and take it. Even normally thick-skinned people tend to be very sensitive about how funny they are perceived to be, so even broaching this subject with tact could be difficult. If she's perfect other than that, and you really care about her, I would recommend trying to learn to live with it. If, after some time has passed, you find it unbearable, then it might be time to move on.

When my boyfriend gets drunk, he likes to get flirty — with other men.  But he's straight the rest of time.  What's going on?
Regardless of the conventional wisdom, most people really aren't one-hundred-percent straight or gay for their entire lives. Human sexuality is a multi-faceted paradigm, fluctuating over the course of one's lifetime. You can Google sexology pioneers Alfred Kinsey or Wardell Pomeroy who, while by no means are the final word on the matter, provide an interesting take on this. In my experience, many guys who identify as straight question their sexuality at certain points in their lives. Many of them decide they want to be with women, others choose guys, and many remain conflicted. Your boyfriend may just exploring his own sexuality in his own way. Hell, have him give me a call…

I have a cute friend who gets really affectionate when drunk. I wouldn't turn her down, but I'm not sure how she feels about me. Should I bring it up or just let the moment happen?
I feel obligated to give the standard, "if you don't want to risk ruining the friendship, keep attraction out" line of advice here. But, really, my heart isn't in it. Go wild. Next time you see her even NEAR booze, pounce on her like a wolfwere in heat.

I think I might be in love with my best friend's girlfriend.  I am ninety-nine-percent sure she does not feel the same way. But it kills me to see her with someone else. How the hell do I deal with this?
It's said that absence makes the heart grow fonder, but it actually does wonders for getting over someone. All I can say is, try to avoid seeing her. Ask if he can just come and "hang out with the guys". This will take a bit of self-discipline but you can do it.

Paul, 25

What has being a D&D player taught you about dating or sex?
Despite the stigma and the social-plague-like symptoms that some less fortunate players exhibit, Dungeons & Dragons is a social game. You're not playing if you just sit quietly at the table. You have to be assertive, confident, and creative to contribute to the game and to fully enjoy yourself. A D&D session is just as much about shooting the breeze and being conversational as it is about rolling dice and raiding abandoned castles. So, like D&D, on the dating scene you can't be a passive observer. You have to be engaged, a bit aggressive, and more than a little imaginative or you'll never find the kind of fulfillment that you're after. Also, with sex, some days you're the knight and some days you're the dragon.

What's the best way to pick up a D&D player?
You'd pick up a D&D girl like you would any girl: Joss Whedon references and a high Charisma score. But really, it's an easy in. If you see a chick carrying around a Player's Handbook you've at very least got a conversation-starter. Just don't start in on how cool your half-elf ranger is. Something conversational like, "Have you played Fourth Edition yet?" or "Would it be creepy if I touched you?" Anything is better than starting off talking about your character. Trust me, if she's the one for you then she'll hear all about Prometheus Bladesworn later.paul

Does the couple that play D&D together, stay together?
Unless the guy's twelfth-level half-orc barbarian accidentally kills the girl's ninth-level Elf Sorceress, D&D is like any other hobby in a relationship. It's another thing in common. Something to talk about. Something to share. Something that both people (hopefully) have a passion for. However, couples playing couples at the table can get messy. You let real life seep into the session and suddenly the Ogre Mage goes unslain because Barbra the Druid is yelling at Steve the Paladin for not taking out the trash and wanting to talk about his feelings. So, as long as there is a healthy disconnect with your gaming life and your real life, everything is gravy.

My girlfriend and I have been together five years, and things are getting a little boring. We've been thinking about role-playing to spice things up. Is this a good idea?
Oddly enough, most D&D people (in my experience) don't take role-playing to the bedroom with them. It's actually something that hadn't occurred to me previously. Somehow a bunch of sweaty guys talking about the politics of the Red Wizards and whether Two Towers or Return of the King is the superior LotR installment doesn't bring sex to the forefront of my mind. Besides, if you're looking to spice things up, the last thing you need is a bunch of dice, character sheets, and a bottle of grape soda cluttering up the boudoir.

I'm sort of embarrassed to have my parents meet my current girlfriend. She's very artistic, loud, and doesn't censor herself. I'm afraid it will rub my conservative parents the wrong way. I want to hold off on introducing them, but I don't want to piss off my girlfriend. What should I do?
Having been in a prolonged relationship where my parents hated my girlfriend and vice-versa, I can say that you're better to get introductions out of the way early. Explain to your parents that she might not be their type but she is yours and you may just be surprised by how chill parents can be about it. And if they're not, then you know where you stand and can make an informed decision on how to proceed from there.

I've been seeing this wonderful guy for about two months. He's perfect in every way, except in the bedroom. The sex is awful, but I care for him a lot. What should I do?
Sex is a huge element to any relationship. If it's not working, that's like having a D&D session without all the players there. It just doesn't work the way it should. Sometimes people just aren't clicking sexually and even if everything else is right that one thing can foul up all the rest. Work together at it. Often women are far more vague than they think they are. Try giving him clear, straightforward direction. Men are good at that.

I think I might be in love with my best friend's girlfriend.  I am ninety-nine-percent sure she does not feel the same way. But it kills me to see her with someone else. How the hell do I deal with this?
DON'T! DO! IT! Your best friend is your best friend. That's for life. With a divorce rate of fifty-percent in this country, don't ever, ever do anything bad to your best friend. Especially over a girl.