Kate, 21

What has being a D&D player taught you about dating?
If you're going to date friends, be willing to deal with the consequences. My Game Master and best friend recently divorced — killing three long-term games in the process. On the other hand, dating your dice-mates  guarantees that when you joke about the enhancement bonus of your morning coffee, you won't just get a blank look. Plus, they'll understand why you can't go out on Friday night — your party needs you!

On the positive side, being a D&D player has made me understand the importance of respect in relationships, even about the little things. If my partner has disdain for my hobbies, things aren't going to last. There's very little dignity in rolling dice and slaying dragons, but it's what I like to do. So when someone I like mentions that they scrapbook, I try to respect that. And not snicker. Too much.

What's the best way to pick up a D&D player?
If you're a geek and you see a girl geek browsing the comic books and players' manuals, don't make assumptions. Nothing irritates me more than having someone tell me what I'm holding. I know what I'm holding. Aside from the fact that I came in here specifically looking for it, I CAN READ. Instead, try a trivia tidbit or a commentary on the quality/author/whatever. Your goal is to sound interested, not condescending. For the non-geek, we're really not that strange and different, but we tend to be a little defensive. Be willing to listen, stumble through some conversation you don't have the lingo for. Don't mock. Unless your romantic candidate starts talking about their characters in detail. No one finds that interesting. Really. Get out while you still can.kate

My girlfriend and I have been together five years, and things are getting a little boring. We've been thinking about role-playing to spice things up. Is this a good idea?
If we're talking about the intersection of D&D and sex, it is my firm opinion that that kind of role-playing has no place in the bedroom. Leave Arakos the Dragonslayer at the table. Also, dice in bed would probably be a bit like walking on legos; those d4s are basically caltrops. On the other hand, if you leave the DM's Guide on the shelf and break out the skimpy costumes, you could be in for a good time. If you play D&D, you have great experience for getting in character — but you can't rely on rolling a twenty for a good performance. Sorry. You have to do the work yourself.

I'm sort of embarrassed to have my parents meet my current girlfriend. She's very artistic, loud, and doesn't censor herself. I'm afraid it will rub my conservative parents the wrong way. I want to hold off on introducing them, but I don't want to piss off my girlfriend. What should I do?
Warn your parents that Charisma is your girlfriend's dump stat. Tell them she can come on strong, but that she's important to you. Ask them to be a little understanding. And talk to your girlfriend — tell her that while you enjoy her no-holds-barred style of conversation, your parents might be shocked, so could you work together to craft a great first impression? I'm assuming you don't want her to change — you just don't want her to scare off your parents, or vice-versa. Don't be demeaning to either party. You want to smooth out the introduction, not set them up to be arch-nemeses.

When my boyfriend gets drunk, he likes to flirt — with other men. But he's straight the rest of time. What's going on?
Look up the Kinsey scale. A lot of people exist outside of easy categories, instead residing somewhere on a spectrum between straight and gay. Same-sex attraction doesn't preclude heterosexual attraction, and it doesn't mean your boyfriend will ever act on it. Especially if it's only cropping up when he's drunk, he probably has slight attraction but is "mostly straight." Who you flirt with when you're drunk doesn't necessarily correlate to who you want to sleep with. Hell, I'd probably flirt with a houseplant, given enough tequila.

I have a cute friend who gets really affectionate when drunk. I wouldn't turn her down, but I'm not sure how she feels about me. Should I bring it up or just let the moment happen?
Don't let it "just happen" while both of you are drunk. If she's impaired, you can't be certain it's genuine and not just a product of intoxication. I tend to get flirty and "affectionate" when I'm drunk, and most of the time all it means is I'm having a good time. You don't want to end up being a morning-after regret. Make a move while you're both sober — something wildly dramatic like, "Do you want to go out on a date sometime?" It's classic.

My boyfriend suggested we try watching porn while having sex. It was fun at first, but now he watches it every time we're together. I know guys like porn but he's too into it.  How do I bring this up without sounding like a prude?
It's not prudish to want to be the center of attention when your boyfriend is having sex with you. Otherwise you're just a fancy blow-up doll. Inspiration is one thing. Fixation is another. Remind your boyfriend that the porn isn't supposed to be the point. If it's fun sometimes, but not always, make that clear — your desires are as important as his. If he makes a stink, hand him some lube and go read a book. Obviously your involvement is superfluous. See how long he holds out.


Commentarium (39 Comments)

Nov 20 09 - 2:34am

Aw, these guys are awesome. The girl is going to make a lot of D&D boys happy.

Nov 20 09 - 10:48am

A female D & D player that revels in her geekery *and* is funny and charming. That's quite the catch.

Nov 20 09 - 11:02am

"Often women are far more vague than they think they are. Try giving him clear, straightforward direction. Men are good at that."
My general experience seems to prove otherwise.

Nov 20 09 - 11:54am

Wicked. Is Kinsey scale a D&D game?

Nov 20 09 - 1:39pm

Actually I think the Kinsey scale is the sharpness of your broad sword.

Nov 20 09 - 2:31pm

Dr. Alfred Kinsey... the famous biologist-cum-sexologist [no pun intended].

I bet he could've talked at length about, ahem, broadswords. ;)

Nov 20 09 - 3:31pm

it's weird to me that anyone would condone taking advantage of a drunk girl. flirting with someone doesn't give the other person the go ahead to force themselves on him or her.

Nov 20 09 - 4:11pm
Ron Monkey

What I've learned from this you can fashion anal beads out of 12-headed dice. If I knew that I would have gotten into D&D years ago. And this whole time I thought my D&D buddies were geeks but heck, no. Those cats know how to party.

Nov 20 09 - 4:53pm

For the longest time I was in the "D&D closet" — I didn't tell my boyfriend I was a gamer. After a while he got suspicious and asked why I was never available on Wednesday nights, so I had to 'fess up. Don't worry, the "other man" is an elf....

Nov 21 09 - 12:07am

These geeks are pretty damn cool.

Nov 21 09 - 3:19am

That is one of the cutest D&D gals ever.

Nov 21 09 - 11:16am

"I am going to interpret your question literally and assume you are planning to fashion a string of anal beads out of the dice. A word of warning: they have slightly pointed edges that can cause discomfort. I would recommend starting with a d4 and working your way up." Wait, what? A d4 is a triangular pyramid (formed from 4 equilateral triangles), and a d12 is a dodecahedron. The d4 is going to have *much* more pointy-points than the d12. Wouldn't a d20 be even less pointy...? (Unless I'm missing some reference to feats; I haven't played much since 3rd edition came out.)

Nov 21 09 - 11:29am

A d4??!!?? Are you crazy? That sounds incredibly painful. The d12 that you so quickly pan, on the other hand, usually has rounded edges unless ridiculous cheap. Frankly a d30 would probably be the best way to start out, as the edges are, due to the large number of faces, pretty oblique.

Nov 21 09 - 11:30am

Whoops guess I wasn't the only one who thought that... EFB

Nov 22 09 - 3:30am

You guys have put a lot of thought into which dice would fit best up a butt.

Nov 22 09 - 9:58am

@joclyn Oh for Christ's sake, he didn't say "rape the girl the next she's inebriated" he said "next time she gets handsy, reciprocate". I know, he worded it in a cheeky manner because he was trying to be witty (and didn't pull it off) but his intent was obvious, even though his words weren't.

As for the idea of not getting with someone because they're drunk? Bollocks to that. No one does anything drunk that they didn't want to do when they were sober. So unless the girl is passed out in a drunken coma it's totally legit to play "Sheath The Salami" with an inebriated person.

Nov 22 09 - 10:03am
Glossolalia Black

It used to be that I dated geeky white boys, and the ones that were into D&D were ever so slightly better in bed than the ones who were, say, pure Linux geeks. After a couple of run-ins with autistic boys who neither knew, nor cared whether I was having fun, I swore I'd never date another one.

And then I fell in love with and married one. But, to be fair, he is really kind of awesome.

Nov 22 09 - 2:26pm

There are actually geek girls outside?
I knew it ! ^^
helpful text btw :)

Nov 22 09 - 6:44pm
rich v

I used to play a long long time ago in a land far far least until I got divorced and my then wife went for one of the other guys in our gaming group...haven't played since because I couldn't find any anyone to play with...big sigh...she was an evil bitch from hell any way. c'est la vie, c'est la guerre, c'est l'amour

Nov 22 09 - 6:47pm
rich v

by the way...those were 1st & 2nd ed days...yeah, that long ago

Nov 23 09 - 5:31pm

to - jaclyn

Relaxed, no one said anything about forcing themselves on anyone else and it works both ways sister.

Nov 23 09 - 5:46pm

What a wonderful forum for a marginalized group! I feel like this article is a cultural milestone, dealing with one of the most mis-understoond minorities of our time. I love it! I just have one quibble with the advice, from the cute blonde one - DIY sex-toys, in my not-so-terribly-limited experience, are always, always a bad idea. That one's like plumbing or dental work - pay a professional. You'll be glad you did.

Nov 23 09 - 6:04pm

geek girls are a rare species that has been hunted to extinction. if you see one in a bookstore keep on walking, it's a mathematical certainty that she's taken.

Nov 23 09 - 8:03pm

@chris - don't give up just yet!

Nov 23 09 - 9:49pm


Or they could be like me and have open relationships. Never assume!

Nov 24 09 - 12:13am

My fav sex advice all year. So smart! So witty! Who knew?

Nov 24 09 - 12:55am

Kinsey Scale is specialized armor, like Elven Chain. But only bisexuals can wear it.

Nov 24 09 - 6:05pm

"My girlfriend and I have been together five years, and things are getting a little boring. We’ve been thinking about role-playing to spice things up. Is this a good idea?"

YES and YES. That's always fun. The writer of this article has obviously never tried it.

Nov 25 09 - 2:55am

The Kinsey Scale has to be the strength check stat for a character fighting an upper level Wizard... Especially, when they have a sheathed sword ready for the character of the same sex... Lol.

I agree DYI sex toys = bad idea... Especially when u can buy DND sex toys from online retailers.

Lastly, there are no mathematical certainties when you consider the human heart... Just remember to remain urself and play it smart when dealing with other ppl. If you have the charisma modifier to keep a conversation, mentioning stats and commenting on a book in someones hand is a great way to meet them... And subtlely looking at the finger on the left hand first, then tactfully slipping a question about status is always acceptable. I personally look for signs of commitment in clothingn jewlery, and body language then check by saying something like, "Wow, I'm suprised everyone isn't hitting on you." Compliments are a great way to make a decent first impression... Lol.

Nov 25 09 - 10:15am

@dizzo - Hang on just a second, the writer of this article has helped compile questions from Nerve readers. I have to maintain a respectful journalistic distance; I don't comment on my own sex life until after two drinks.

Nov 25 09 - 6:53pm

While two-dimensional regular polygons approach a circle more closely the more sides they have, the closest approximation of a sphere in the regular polyhedra is actually the dodecahedron - the icosahedron is slightly pointier.

That being the case, d12s are a better choice than d20s for making anal beads (though I'm not entirely sure how wise homemade anal beads are in general.)

Nov 27 09 - 11:08am

Oh whatever, you guys. I made my own anal beads out of the plastic goblins from the Citadel "Battle for Skull Pass" boxed set. Best sex toy ever.

Nov 27 09 - 9:01pm


A friend forwarded this article to me on facebook because he thought it was me. I stared at you're picture and thought that someone stole a picture of me and pasted here. Please send me a on facebook because I SWEAR we're twins separated at birth. My name to look up is: rocketscientastic1

Dec 10 09 - 5:29pm

actually gamer girls are not all that rare. finding one that isn't out of of her fucking mind is another story.

Feb 02 10 - 12:02am

At least that's a use for the d12's! but as soon as you get them stuck up your butt, your whole party is gonna roll up Barbarians with Greataxes...

Jul 03 10 - 12:38pm
Liz D-M

Another caveat - don't assume that just because I have a few gray hairs doesn't mean I'm buying D&D stuff for my kids and grandkids!

Aug 05 10 - 9:19am
Taryn Erickson

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Aug 07 11 - 8:01pm
Walter White

What a wonderful forum for a marginalized group! I feel like this article is a cultural milestone, dealing with one of the most mis-understoond minorities of our time. I love it! I just have one quibble with the advice, from the cute blonde one - DIY sex-toys, in my not-so-terribly-limited experience, are always, always a bad idea. That one's like plumbing or dental work - pay a professional. You'll be glad you did.

Sep 07 11 - 7:20am
Cialis Rezeptfrei

DQbw3R Received the letter. I agree to exchange the articlesss