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Sex Advice From . . . Editorial Assistants

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Nate, 23

What do the following books say about a person’s sexual characteristics:
– A man currently reading The Da Vinci Code?

This guy is going to be awful in bed. This is just one step up from a sci-fi reader, someone who thinks sex can’t measure up to masturbation.

– A woman reading He’s Just Not that Into You?
Demanding in bed, no fun at all.

– A woman reading The Five People You Meet in Heaven?
I’d say you’d be lucky to get a blowjob from her, much less sex.

– A man reading How to Talk to a Liberal if You Must?
A total kinkmaster. Surprisingly good in bed.

My boyfriend is a clean freak. Immediately after we have sex he gets out of bed, brushes his teeth and takes a shower. It’s really not very romantic to lie in bed all alone listening to my boyfriend bathe for thirty minutes after we’re done. What can I do to convince him to stay a little dirty for a while?
Let’s hope this isn’t a pathological issue. Perhaps it’s related to “post-orgasmic clarity,” when a guy can finally get back to being his normal self. He’s probably just able to get stuff done after he comes. But I wonder if there’s a compromise to be had. Make him a deal: if he gives you a little cuddle time after sex on Saturday night, he can Swiffer-sweep the house two times on Sunday.

I like my boyfriend to call me un-PC names like “slut” and “whore” during sex. He must have dated one too many women’s studies majors in college, because he says this makes him feel uncomfortable and hasn’t been able to do it. What can I do?
You just need to explain the difference between “real time” and “sex time.” Sex time is like a movie you’re involved in. You might cheer when the Mighty Ducks score a goal, but then you turn off the TV and go to bed knowing there are really no Mighty Ducks. If he calls you a dirty slut during sex time, this doesn’t mean he thinks you are one in real life.

Last week after everyone was gone, a co-worker and I ended up getting into some heavy petting in my cubicle. I’d like to become fuck buddies, but now she’s ignoring me and acting like nothing happened. Is there a polite way to say, "I’d like to sleep with you with no strings attached?"

No, there’s definitely not a polite way to say this. Don’t send an email, because you don’t want this in print. Either call or meet up with her and say, "Are we going to fuck or what?" That should make it clear.

I just started having sex with someone new. He’s a great kisser but is awful in bed. I really like him but am worried that the sex either clicks or it doesn’t. Is there hope?
Yeah, there’s hope. It’s probably not his fault. The member is a fickle organ and its own boss. Just start exploring your options, based on your complaint. You can use Man Delay, condoms, different positions. And while this is a little weird, as a guy gets more comfortable having sex with you, it’s not as exciting so he can then relax and do a better job. So the less excitement, in some ways, the better for you.

What’s a surefire way to get an editorial assistant to come home with you?
Tell them you’re an agent with a hot young author whose book could make their career.

Hillery, 30


I’m a freelance writer, but my girlfriend has an office job and an assistant so she’s used to having someone do all of her bitch work. When it comes to sex, I feel like she acts like I’m her assistant — expecting me to buy all of the sex toys and come up with new places and positions, etc. It’s starting to get to me, but I don’t know how to bring it up without sending her running. Please advise.
Go with that paradigm. Plus, never forget the “asshole tax.” If she’s treating you like her fetch-and-carry boy, make sure she pays for it.

I like being the submissive in my relationship, but I need my boyfriend to be more dominant. How can I make this happen without him feeling emasculated?
People are always looking for clues on the other person’s proclivities, so you can be subtle about it. Try talking about it lightly somewhere other than bed, like over dessert. You can say, "I’d really like it if you’d . . . " That way, it’s not a confrontational demand.

Last week, after everyone was gone, a co-worker and I got into some heavy petting in my cubicle. I’d like to become fuck buddies but now she’s ignoring me and acting like nothing happened. Is there a polite way to say, "I’d like to sleep with you with no strings attached?"
I like people who are very direct and self confident. Someone who’s going to slip up to me in the copy room and say something like, "You and I just want each other. Let’s make this happen." Don’t ask her out for a drink, because then she’ll think you want to have the "What happened was a mistake" conversation. Who wants to have that conversation? No one. It’s lame.

I have a mad literary crush on Vendela Vida. Any tips on getting near famous writers?
You really just want to avoid famous writers. I know. You think you might have something in common with them. I mean, they’re literate and possess good grammar skills, which is a turn-on. But they’re all crazy. You’ll spend your whole day holding her hand. Like I said to my shrink, do you want to go home to someone who’s bipolar and goes off their medication all the time when that’s what you get at the office? No!

I’ve become reacquainted with a former lover. We stopped having sex years ago because I was becoming too attached. I’m no longer interested in having a relationship with him (or anyone else at the moment), but I would like to have sex with him again. How can I make this happen without having to spell out my intentions — or lack thereof?
I believe in dating karma. Manipulation really just isn’t on my schedule. You need to be as forthright as you possibly can without making them feel cheap or small. Just say, "I really like having sex with you. You’re not marriage material, but we have a history, so I think it’s better to just stick to what we’re good at." Flattery gets you everywhere.

My boyfriend also sometimes asks me to “come for him” so he can climax at the same time as me. When he does this, I start to feel like the clock is ticking, then coming is impossible. What can I do?
Men have a lot more control over their orgasm than women do. They need to be told this is the opposite for women. Sometimes it’s a crapshoot, and you just gotta get lucky. Just tell him, "It’s the way of the world. It’s your job to wait for me. That’s how God made us."

What’s a surefire way to get an editorial assistant to come home with you?
1) Don’t be a writer.
2) Grammar is key. Bad grammar is a deal-breaker.
3) Have a career — that means BE EMPLOYED. Take them out for a steak dinner, during which you talk about art. It doesn’t have to be books. It could music, film, whatever. If you need to study up, read a little Cyrano de Bergerac and you’re good to go. Basically we just came for the steak anyway.

Dan, 23

What do the following books say about a person’s sexual characteristics:
– A man currently reading The Da Vinci Code?
Dumb slut.

– A woman reading He’s Just Not That Into You?
Frigid.

– A woman reading The Five People You Meet in Heaven?
Enjoys long walks on the beach and curling up in front of the fire to read poetry.

– A man reading How to Talk to a Liberal if You Must?
Mommy issues.

What books would you recommend I read to get me in the mood? Any passages you’d suggest I read out loud to my lover to get him/her in the mood too?

The Sound and the Fury. Pages one to 100 are particularly dull. She’ll be bored to tears by then and up for anything.

I like my boyfriend to call me un-PC names like “slut” and “dirty little whore” during sex. He must have dated one too many women’s studies majors in college because he says this makes him feel uncomfortable and hasn’t been able to do it. What can I do?
Turn the tables. Try saying, “You hot hunk you” or “you slice of rock-solid man meat.” By objectifying him first, he’ll relax and see how fun it can be to be demeaned.

What makes for a good sex scene?
I think the key is the word “panties.” Aggression towards said panties is even better. Also, use of the word “throbbing.”

I’ve become reacquainted with a former lover. We stopped having sex (years ago) because I was becoming too attached. I’m no longer interested in having a relationship with him (or anyone else at the moment), but I would like to have sex with him again. How can I make this happen without having to spell out my intentions — or lack thereof?
Men appreciate frankness about sex. I suspect if you try to be subtle or send signals, he’s going to end up thinking you want a relationship. Just propose a romp with a clear beginning and end. And leave right after you’re done with a snappy excuse like, “Boy do I have a lot of copies to make!”

What’s a sure-fire way to get an editorial assistant to come home with you?
Buy him or her food. They’re all starving. A sweaty wad of cash also works well.

Beth, 30


Last night my friend’s girlfriend hit on me and gave me her number. I would never take her up on the offer, but should I tell my friend what she did?
Crumple up her number and throw it away. It never happened.

I like being the submissive in my relationship, but I need my boyfriend to be more dominant. How can I make this happen without him feeling emasculated?
Give him a whip. Say, "Use this on me." It’s very subtle but should work.

My boyfriend is a clean freak. Immediately after we have sex he gets out of bed, brushes his teeth and takes a shower. How can I convince him to stay a little dirty for a while?
Follow him! Get hot and dirty in the shower together, and maybe he’ll eventually realize sex doesn’t end right after he’s done.

I like my boyfriend to call me “slut” and “whore” during sex. He says this makes him feel uncomfortable and hasn’t been able to do it. What can I do?
Tell him you’re only going to respond if he addresses you “appropriately." It might help to explain why this is empowering and sexy to you.

Last week, after everyone was gone, a co-worker and I ended up getting into some heavy petting in my cubicle. I’d like to become fuck buddies but now she’s ignoring me and acting like nothing happened. Is there a polite way to say, "I’d like to sleep with you with no strings attached?"
My strategy is always just to jump people. But I suppose you could interoffice her a document as to your intentions. But I’d say just swing by her cube and make it happen again. Don’t call. Maybe a shoulder squeeze for a goodbye when you’re done? That should make it clear.

I have a mad literary crush on Jonathan Franzen. Any tips on getting near famous writers?
Beware! Avoid! Writers are the worst in bed! A pen would make a better lover. But I guess you could try memorizing the dictionary and writing love poetry.

Whenever my boyfriend is going down on me, I feel self-conscious that I’m making him stay too long “down there” before I come. The anxiety actually prevents me from coming. Is this normal? What can I do to stop worrying about this?
The good news is this is very normal. Work on fantasizing while he’s down there. That should help you relax and enjoy yourself.

What do the following books say about a person’s sexual characteristics:
– A man currently reading The Da Vinci Code?

Boring in bed, needs a treasure map to find the crown jewels.

– A woman reading He’s Just Not That Into You?

Desperate. If you need that many signposts to figure out whether he likes you or not, it’s bad news.

– A woman reading The Five People You Meet in Heaven?
More concerned with the afterlife than the here-and-now. Probably not that great a lay.

– A man reading How to Talk to a Liberal if You Must?
Run! He’s going to want to do missionary the whole time . . . or anal.
 


Interviews by A. Leigh. Sex Advice From… appears on Thursdays. Have questions for the general public? Send them to sexadvicefrom@nerve.com.


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