Sex Advice From Eugene Mirman

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Eugene Mirman, 35

What’s the best way to pick up a comedian?
It depends where they are in their career. If they’re just at the beginning, you can offer to buy them socks. That would probably cover it. And in the middle, you could either recognize them or pretend to recognize them, and they would be delighted. And then at the highest echelons, you would ignore them or be mean, say you’ve never heard of their movies, something like that.

So what’s the best way to pick up Eugene Mirman?
I have a girlfriend, so the best way is to stay back. Or just be super sneaky. I don’t know — to be a kind, warm person. With twenty-five pound knockers. Each. So fifty pounds of knockers. Probably a nine-to-ten-foot woman.

What has doing comedy taught you about dating?
That people out there just want to connect with someone for a minimum of one evening. But a maximum of four evenings.

You regularly give advice on your website — what’s one thing that everyone seems to get wrong when it comes to dating?
Probably they don’t understand that people — it’s funny, I think I was trying to really answer the question, so I paused. I should have said, “Aw, they don’t got enough vaginas! They need six! And then sixteen dongs.” I don’t know, they probably don’t let people have enough space and suffocate them until their loved ones fake their deaths and change their names.

And in New York, the mistake people make is that they will move in out of convenience after dating for a month. And then they’ll get married for tax reasons. Basically New York City forces people to combine love with tax decisions.

So try to keep your finances separate?
Nah, that’s not the right way to look at it. Try to keep your taxes separate. “Finances” is like, don’t lend someone twenty bucks, “Taxes” is like, don’t lend someone your last name.
Is it true that all ladies really just want a guy who will “make them laugh”?
No. I think in my experience, most people want someone who will make them cry. Well, in my personal experience, sure, laughter. But in my general talking to people experience, I think that people like the frustration of dating more than happiness. Of course I haven’t talked to people in a while.

What’s the best thing about dating a comedian?
You can go see a lot of free concerts that you don’t want to go to. And you can constantly be put into social situations where you’d rather not be. But that’s the benefit of dating almost anyone who’s in the arts.

What’s the most overrated erogenous zone?
I don’t know, they each have their own awesomeness. I mean, “overrated.” There’s really one that’s overrated — I forget where it is exactly, on the other side of the bum? But in terms of overrated, I don’t know if it’s actually overrated. I don’t know that any erogenous zone is actually overrated. There’s nothing that’s like, “Whatever you do, don’t touch that. That would be terrible!” They’re all great. They’re all really the tops.

I’m running out of effective pick-up lines. I need one that’ll get the ladies in one shot. Ideas?
You should be like, “I’ll give you an evening of forgetful disappointment, followed by memories of an awkward night.” That’s it.

So be as honest as possible?
Nooo, mysteriously self-deprecating. Only a lunatic would say that! What kind of lunatic? I should sleep with him myself and find out. It’s mystery veiled in insecurity.

What’s the most diplomatic way to show your partner how to improve their sex technique?
Probably comic books. Just be like, wow, that looks fun! We should do that, that’s great. That’s not boring. It’s visuals and words and also drawn sound effects. And could employ words like, “Boom, boom, bang!” and you could be like, “More of the boom boom bang, less of the squeaky squeak.”

I’m torn between a guy I’m really into who doesn’t want to date me, and a guy who really likes me that I’m not crazy about. What should I do?
Don’t go out with a guy you’re not crazy about. Why would you do that? And then also don’t go out with the guy who doesn’t like you. Why don’t you go and find someone you like who likes you? The person isn’t torn; the person’s a fool! Unless she thinks she’ll like this guy that she doesn’t like. I think that in that instance, the idea that you’d be like, “Fuck, I have to choose between two people, I don’t know what I’m going to do ’cause one of these is going to be my husband! One of them won’t go out with me, and the other I don’t like. Who will be my husband?” Hopefully, neither!

One of my coworkers keeps asking me out on a date, no matter how many times in the past I’ve declined. How can I get my point across to him without seeming like an asshole?
I would say jerk him off in the bathroom and then claim sexual assault.

What’s one thing that’s totally unacceptable on a first date?
Probably telling someone you love them. A lot of things, depending on the circumstances, could be fine. A fun adventure and all of a sudden you rent a car and go somewhere for two days kind of thing. I’m going to say saying love. Also, no stabbies. No tying your wrists together and doing one of those classic knife fights.

Do open relationships ever work?picture-2
Yes, for a period of time. For like a year or two. Open relationships can work in two instances: one, in which you don’t like the person you’re dating, or the other where you like them so much that nothing will ever really compete. And then they also have to not care.

What’s the number one thing everyone should have in their sex drawer (besides condoms)?
A can of WD-40. I don’t know. I like that there’s a sex drawer, like someone’s that organized. They don’t just keep it in a few locations. A can of WD-40 and a box of wine. And a funnel.

How do you let somebody down easy?
Check yourself into a mental hospital. That person will want to help, but you put on a good enough show and they’ll be done. Nothing ends a third date like taking someone to Bellevue.

What are the rules when it comes to friends with benefits?
That when one of you starts dating someone else, you calm down as fast as possible and don’t become a big fat jerk. You can’t flip out when someone starts dating someone, and that’s what you get for lying to yourself about being friends with benefits.

My girlfriend’s family is really conservative, but I’m super liberal. I’m about to meet them for the first time — how can I make sure everything goes smoothly?
Never go like, “I love fucking your daughter, she’s a real good one! And in the mind she’s a smarty.” But you’re asking what you should do. Keep an open mind. I mean, I’m sure it’s not a problem unless you’re a crazy jerk or they’re crazy jerks. Like are they conservative or are they nutballs? And are you liberal or are you a nutcase? Because if two different sides with slightly diverging opinions meet it should be fine, unless one of the sides thinks the other is going to a magical place that’s always on fire. Probably don’t talk too much about your godless love of Depeche Mode.picture-4

I was nervous on a first date and got way too drunk. I really want a second date, so how can I make it up to the guy?
What exactly went wrong? The problem isn’t that she had too much to drink alone. The problem is like, did she say something crazy? Did she do something weird? She could just not get super drunk. Or next time you see him, don’t act super drunk. You can be super drunk, just don’t act it. You should have a functioning alcoholism!

Is it better to be the first or second person to say the “L” word?
It doesn’t matter. If you’re both in love, it’s fine. If the question is, when is it okay to admit you really, really like someone: three and a half months. It’s enough time for people to know each other and not be completely loony when they say it. It’s like, if you say it at two months? Okay, fine, maybe. Better at three and a half. This is also based exclusively on my massive knowledge of comedy, and not on my years of training with doctors.

Title image by Seth Olenick.

Catch the Eugene Mirman Comedy Festival in Brooklyn this weekend; see for details.