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Sex Advice from . . . Expats

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This week, “Sex Advice From . . . ” traveled to Dubai to ask exiles for tips on long-term relationships and dating foreigners.

Simone, 22, from India

What advice can you give me for dating in a country where I don’t speak the language?
Music is universal. Go to a club or a bar where you’ll like the music, one that has a lot of dark corners. Organic food shops are another good option for finding beautiful people — their skin looks healthier.

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Ever since he lost his job, my boyfriend seems uninterested in sex. I think he feels emasculated. How can I get him back into it?
Have him do dishes and clean the house. Stick him in an apron and let him feel it and embrace it. Work his feelings of emasculation. Then he’ll decide to get off his ass and get a job, and both of your problems will be solved.

I’m in a new serious relationship and my ex is still single. We’re still friends, but how much can I talk to him about my new boyfriend?
Definitely don’t get into the nitty-gritty. No matter how over you he is, he’s still pining for action. Don’t tell him all about how you got down with your new boy last night.

What advice can you give for having sex with a girl who’s on her period?
Do it in the shower. That makes her feel comfortable.

I snooped into my girlfriend’s email and saw she’s been emailing with an ex-boyfriend who she’s told me she hasn’t spoke with in years. The content of the emails didn’t suggest anything but friendly conversation, but should I be worried anyway?
First of all, why are you looking through your girlfriend’s emails? Stop snooping! Why is she not telling you she’s been talking to this guy? Because you’re the kind of guy who snoops. That said, it is obviously a natural, simple and uncomplicated conversation with someone who used to be part of her life. She probably just didn’t want to worry you.



MikeMike, 29, from Scotland
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I’m in a serious relationship with a girl who lives a continent away. How can we keep things solid between us?
If she’s flexible, then go find yourself some temporary intercontinental action. But if you’re the faithful, sensitive type, I’d suggest is lying on your left arm until it’s numb so that it’ll feel like someone else is doing it when you’re knocking yourself off.

I’m in a new serious relationship and my ex is still single. We’re still friends, but how much can I talk about my new boyfriend with him?
If you guys are both truly cool with each other seeing other people, then just say everything. Maybe leave out the part about that time you had sex on the kitchen table wearing nothing but the ankle bracelet that your ex bought you. Other than that, everything’s acceptable.

How old is too old to date someone who lives with their parents?
I’d say, like, fifty? Maybe sixty? As long as you’re getting some, I don’t really see the problem.

What advice can you give me for dating in a foreign country where I don’t speak the language?
Not being fluent is actually a brilliant way to meet people, because you don’t have the diversity of language to mask what you really mean. If all you know how to say in Hungarian is, “I want you,” then go ahead and say it. Dispense with the crappy, poetic chat-up lines. That’s all bullshit anyway.

I cheated on my boyfriend the other night while drunk. It was the first time it’s ever happened, and I’m confident I won’t do it again. Am I obligated to tell him what happened?
You’re not obliged to do anything. I think you are, however, obliged to ask yourself why it happened in the first place. Drunk is one thing, but maybe subconsciously you want some action from someone else.

DebbieleeDebbielee, 27, from Scotland

I snooped into my girlfriend’s email and saw she’s been emailing with an ex-boyfriend who she’s told me she hasn’t spoke with in years. The content of the emails didn’t suggest anything but friendly conversation, but should I be worried anyway?
It doesn’t sound like you need to be worried, but I would keep it a secret that you know her password anyway so that you can keep tabs on her chats with her ex.

I cheated on my boyfriend the other night while drunk. It was the first time it’s ever happened, and I’m confident I won’t do it again. Should I tell him?
It depends. Has he cheated on you before? Do you think you could face losing him over this? Or, more importantly, do you think he’ll find out? I believe in Karma, and what goes around comes around.

I’m in a serious relationship with a girl who lives a continent away. How can we keep things solid between us?
Porn, cybersex, phone sex and send her a Rampant Rabbit Deluxe.

What advice can you give me for dating in a foreign country where I don’t speak the language?
Body language is universal, so use it. When on the dance floor, thrust your hips back and forth, hold your hands roughly ten inches apart, shake them rigorously and gesture at your crotch every now and then.

LukeLuke, 23, from England

My girlfriend and I live far away from each other. We just bought webcams so we can see each other while we chat. Any tips?
If it’s portable, film yourself in different themes. Like a naked chef: wear just an apron, casually frying up some eggs, with your cock out. Or be a naturist hiker: wear a woolly bobble hat, wear a compass around your neck, make a concentrating-hard face and stare at your cock as though it were a map.

I’m in a serious relationship with a girl who lives a continent away. How can we keep things solid between us?
Get on the phone with her and tell her how much you miss her and how much you miss the things she does, and being together with her in an intimate way. If she’s feeling the same, she’ll return the sentiment. Keep the conversation going and stay on topic, and it’ll eventually naturally transition into phone sex. Which is great, because you don’t even have to wear a condom if you don’t want to.

How old is too old to date someone who lives with their parents?
Twenty-six. You should be established in your career and earning enough to have your own place at that point.

What advice can you give for having sex with a girl who’s on her period?
Take her from behind or doing it face-to-face so your eyes are focused on each other’s and you don’t have to see anything unsightly.

I cheated on my boyfriend the other night while drunk. It was the first time it’s ever happened, and I’m confident I won’t do it again. Should I tell him?
Yes, because it will show that you care about him. You should be truly apologetic and do everything in your power to make it up to him. Spoil him sexually or with affection. Let him know he is number one.  

Interviews by Marisa S. Katz. Sex Advice From… appears on Thursdays. Have questions for the general public? Send them to sexadvicefrom@nerve.com.

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©2006 Marisa S. Katz & Nerve.com, Inc.