Sex Advice From Extremely Tall Women

"There are things only tall people know about..."

By Delia Pless


photo credit: Long Tall Sally

Arianne Cohen, 6'3"

author, The Sex Diaries Project 

I'm five-eleven, and I'm intimidated by women who are taller than I am. Do I have some weird complex?
No, absolutely not. There's a lot of sociological research showing that there's a very fundamental fight-or-flight wiring that we're all ingrained with that makes us pay attention to people and animals that are bigger than us, so it sort of makes sense.

Why are tall ladies better in bed? Or are they better in bed?
I would assume that they're just as good or bad as everybody else, I've got to say. I mean, if we're talking about me personally, of course I'm amazing. But, broadly speaking, I'm sure you have just as many rock stars as you do underperformers among tall women.

It's a Friday night. You're going out and you want to look hot. Do you wear heels?
If they match the outfit, absolutely. The highest I've ever gone is six-foot-eight. I have a pair of five-inch platforms that I adore. My theory on this is I'm already tall, and everybody can see this, so I might as well look good. If you think about it, the difference between six-foot-three and six-foot-five is not that big. I'm still really tall.

If the guy's just average height, is sex more difficult?
No, not at all. I think in sex with people of any size, there are pros and cons. If you're a tall guy who sleeps with a teeny tiny woman, you can pick her up and throw her around a little bit more. But there's a sense of being enveloped by somebody's body that's really sexy. I think there's also a sense of powerfulness when a larger person is enjoying sexual pleasure or is having an orgasm. These are things only tall people know about.

Maybe she can pick him up and throw him around a little bit?

What's the worst position for a short man and a tall woman?
The kama sutra is not made for tall people in any way, shape, or form. Tall people can't do most of the positions in there. 

From personal experience?
Not at all. From a strength perspective, tall people have less muscle mass per square inch. You also have a higher center of gravity. 

Maybe that's why I can't do a pull-up.
That's totally why. There's a section in my book talking about pull-ups and push-ups, because I'm bothered by this.

You've written a book about sex and you've written a book on being tall. In your research, did you find out anything surprising about tall women and sex?
Tall women say over and over again that their height is a good litmus test for finding men who are comfortable with themselves both in the bedroom and in life. And that's really true. If some guy comes up to you and he's really calm and cool at a party and he's five inches shorter, you're dealing with a good egg. It's nice to have that litmus test with you wherever you go.

Some studies suggest tall women make more money. Why do you think that is?
There's a lot of research about this. It's gender-neutral, actually. Tall people make $789 more per inch per year than other people, because they're assumed to be leaders, so their work is perceived to be of a better quality than it often is. They're also quickly given promotions in the workplace. So it doesn't actually have that much to do with tall people and has everything to do with the people who are shorter than them. 

I'm a small guy who's hopelessly in love with a woman almost a foot taller than I am. She's perfect for me, but the height difference weirds me out. What should I do?
In both of my books, I've seen many happy, loving relationships with couples who look absolutely weird together. One of the most important things you can do is be democratic about who you sleep with. The minute you try to set a height limit, you're shooting yourself in the foot because you're canceling out most of the population. Only 3.9% of the male population is taller than me. If you add in all of the ridiculous qualifications that somebody needs to have in order to make it into my bedroom, you're talking about a really small percentage of the American population.

What are your ridiculous qualifications?
Oh, you know, you have to be wonderful and amazing and well-read, and you have to outsmart me in pillow talk every night, and on and on...


Read Arianne's Nerve piece about tall women and sex, here.

Commentarium (71 Comments)

Nov 08 11 - 12:19am

THANK YOU for interviewing these ladies. I've been tall all my life (6'1") and I've been every level of insecure about it. It's nice to know I'm not alone!

Nov 09 11 - 10:22am

I'm 6' (30, SWF) and have also been incredibly self-conscious.

Feb 11 12 - 4:34pm

i like tall women and have no complex dating them

Nov 08 11 - 12:32am

That Anna Goldfarb is one hot ladymensch!

Nov 08 11 - 11:11am

TAL, we are both on the same page.

Nov 09 11 - 3:14am

Haha, yes. Although I have a lovely ladyfriend I would not want to give up and I am about four inches too tall for her, I would probably come up to her nose.

Nov 09 11 - 1:53pm

Frau Goldfarb could schtup me anytime!

Nov 08 11 - 12:45am

Lindsay, wish I could have seen you when you were 2-years old!

Nov 08 11 - 1:09am

Correction: *currently 6'1" haha

Nov 08 11 - 2:59am

mmhmmm. Most taller women I come across say things like "yea, I need a guy taller then me" or "I don't go out with shorter guys" Frankly, I find it shallow and has turned me off to tall women. I guess I'm glad some women out there are not like that.

Nov 08 11 - 6:51pm

Most women of all heights seem to prefer guys taller than them. As a 5'3'' guy, you have no idea how many times I've had girls 5'0'' say to me that they would rather date someone taller. And it kills me to hear that Anna likes to date "really short guys", and have her clarify that "really short" means 5'6''.

Nov 08 11 - 9:24pm

Overblown my dear, height preferences are all relative. Being 6'1, a guy who is 5'6 comes up to my chest which is the sweet spot because if he were any shorter, I'd have a hard time talking to him while we were walking down the street because I wouldn't be able to hear him. I'd have to bend down while we talked. Believe me, I've tried! I could probably go as low as 5'4 but seriously, any lower than that then he'd have to stand on a curb just so we could communicate comfortably.

Nov 09 11 - 12:21am

I'm not against your personal preferences, but the phrasing was rough. Imagine being moderately overweight and insecure about then, then hearing someone say "Yeah, weight doesn't really matter in a partner. I even like the heavy ones - like size 8!"

Nov 09 11 - 2:43am

The phrasing could have been more sensitive, but to be fair, 5'6" is below average for a guy here in the US. Calling it "really short" shouldn't imply there's something wrong with guys who are shorter. Just like we might say a 6'1" tall woman is "really tall", because she's significantly above average height for a woman, without implying that a 6'5" tall woman is therefore some kind of freak. (This is coming from an average-size girl who has dated guys ranging from 5'2" to 6'3", by the way,--height isn't an issue for me!)

Nov 10 11 - 2:43pm

mmhmmm. Most shorter men I come across say things like "yea, I need a girl shorter then me" or "I don't go out with taller girls" Frankly, I find it shallow and has turned me off to short men. I guess I'm glad some men out there are not like that.

Nov 08 11 - 3:28am

You know, I wouldn't go nearly so far as to say I have a fetish, but I've always enjoyed tall women. My girlfriend is relatively tall, so was the last one. But I've definitely noticed a preference for women across the board to prefer a guy who's taller than however tall they happen to be. I don't have any real insecurities about my height, I'm a perfectly conventional slightly-above-average six foot nothing, which is more than adequate for the vast majority of the dating I do. But nevertheless, there's some kind of spark that I've noticed goes out when a girl is taller than you. It happens infrequently enough (like I said, I'm not short) that I suppose I shouldn't be drawing a pattern, but still...?

Nov 08 11 - 7:48am

I'm 4'11", the opposite extreme. What's worse?

Nov 08 11 - 9:20pm

being tall is worse.

Nov 08 11 - 9:57pm

being short is worse.

Nov 09 11 - 1:55pm

Not being comfortable with you you are is worse. I'm 5' 10" and married to a woman as tall as I am and it's great. I will say, short women are fun, as they mentioned in the article, because it's easier to be more dominantly physical in bed with a smaller woman.

Nov 10 11 - 2:04pm

The problem with being short is that the difference between "tiny" and "tank" is only about 20 pounds. So you literally can't eat as much as other people, unless you've got a rockin' metabolism.

Nov 08 11 - 9:50am

I find it funny that some men are turned off by tall women. Hey guys, we're always told that we shouldn't look at women in the boobs, but when a woman's chest is face-height there is not much we can do about it.

Nov 08 11 - 10:53am

I'm tall (5'10") and the two guys who I've dated who were shorter than me both complained about it. They told me they wished I wasn't so tall, basically, as though I could do anything about it. Now I know it's something that will bother a lot of guys; I think it makes them feel emasculated. And if they're going to voice their insecurities to me it in turn makes me feel big and manly, which most women don't want to feel. This is why I prefer taller guys.

Nov 08 11 - 3:46pm

same boat. I don't particularly want to be the man in my relationship.

Nov 08 11 - 9:23pm

Yeah, who would want do date someone who does pussy shit like "voice their insecurities" to someone that their dating. They should just be men and bottle up those feelings.

Nov 08 11 - 11:00pm

Well, those people do sound odd. Personally I like tall / taller women. I don't consider height to be stronger / more dominant. A guy who feels emasculated only because he is shorter has some insecurities he needs to deal with, but when people say things like "I don't particularly want to be the man in my relationship" its hard not to take offense at a jab meant to say being short is inferior.

Nov 09 11 - 8:02am

Voicing ones insecurities in an abstract sense is different than voicing something you don't like about yourself in direct relation to your partner. And if these guys had said "I wish I were taller" that would have been a slight improvement. But no, they actually said "I wish you weren't so tall." Also... they were both skinny guys. I'm skinny as well, but this meant they were both shorter AND weighed less than me. As someone who enjoys being dominated in bed, this did make me feel kind of awkward. (As it did with them, obviously...)

Nov 09 11 - 9:28am

So call it what it is - you enjoy taller men because of their dominating physical presence. But don't try to play like taller men because all shorter men have some inferior personality trait. I prefer skinny girls not because I think they are across the board more confident - I just think fat is unattractive. If you're going to be superficial, at least be honest about it.

Nov 08 11 - 1:34pm

I am 6'6 and my ex-wife was 5'0, and you would have thought that we had three heads when we were in public the way people would stare. It is awesome to hear Jodi say that it's weird when she is around someone taller than her, as I know that feeling completely.
I have found that alot of women are interested in the beginning of having a tall man, but alot seem to want around the 6'0 to 6'2 range and I have had several women complain about always having to look so high up just to maintain eye contact, and they feel that diminishes the connection.

Nov 09 11 - 1:11am
Jodi Chromey

It's nice to know that I'm not the only one weirded out by people taller than me. Thanks.

Nov 08 11 - 1:56pm

I'm not anywhere near as tall as these girls, but I'm 5'8 and my partner is 5'5. I loved reading this and identify so much with their logical approach to relationships. Stupid shit matters because we make it matter.

Nov 08 11 - 6:14pm

I'm close to 7'. If I find a girl who's taller than me I think I'm legally required to marry her.

Nov 09 11 - 10:27am

...and then get your own reality TV show called "Tall Tales".

Nov 08 11 - 6:32pm

I'm 6' and I always feel super self conscious wearing heels I'm glad someone has the tall lady stones to do it.

Nov 09 11 - 10:33am

Also 6' and have completely stopped wearing any kind of heels. I just feel completely weird and hate the comments.

Dec 28 11 - 11:39pm
older guy

A tall woman in heels shows self-confidence. It can also be intimidating. Both self-confidence and intimidation can be very, very sexy.

Nov 08 11 - 9:28pm

I'm also a pretty tall woman (5'9 1/2) and it took me a while to get over being so tall. But, now I absolutely love it. Especially for auditions, I'm an actor, and it totally gets me noticed over other girls. WOOT tall girls!

Nov 08 11 - 10:11pm
some guy

As a 6'7" male, I want to say 2 things.
1)Being tall rules!
2) tall women are so sexy!

Nov 09 11 - 10:34am

some guy, What is sexy about a tall women? The question comes from a 6' woman who has also felt unsexy.

Nov 08 11 - 10:24pm

Tallness is an attractive characteristic, one among many. I'm pretty much average height, but I can't imagine being intimidated by a woman just because she's taller. I do see personal ads from tall women looking for men who are as tall or taller, though.

Nov 09 11 - 10:27am

I used to be one of those women who, at 6', had been burned by shorter men complaining how my height made them feel uncomfortalbe, and thought the solution was to only date taller. What a rude awakening I had when I found that most men taller than me had no interest in tall women (or me, whatever). Now I'm an incel and don't even think about these matters. :) It is lonely but soooo much easier than feeling bad about yourself constantly!

Nov 09 11 - 2:05pm

Wow, those must have been some insecure, dumb men then! I find tall women sexy and desirable. Damn those short guys that burned you and ruined you for guys like me! ;)

Nov 08 11 - 11:01pm
DC dude

I'm a 6'2" man (not unusual) and have often had significantly shorter girlfriends.
Obviously, this is more socially "acceptable" than tall woman & short man.
All I can say is, height differences don't matter in bed.
I'm intrigued by having a girlfriend the same height (or taller) as me, but hasn't happened yet.

Nov 09 11 - 10:24am

Hmm, interesting that you are intrigued by that -- that is really rare to hear!

Nov 09 11 - 11:55am

I'm really surprised by all of the comments along the lines of "height doesn't matter in bed". I've been with girls ranging from 5'1'' to 6'0'', and the logistics are definitely not the same in all cases.

Nov 09 11 - 12:41pm

NoVA, can you elaborate re: the logistics? I too have never understood why people say it doesn't matter...

Nov 09 11 - 7:54pm

Well, it's just that there are some positions which aren't comfortable if certain sets of body parts don't line up the right way. If I'm with a girl who is shorter than I am, I can comfortably be a 'big spoon' in a way that never really worked with a girl who was a bit taller than I am. Similarly, being with a girl significantly shorter makes it difficult to kiss and well, you know, at the same time in a way that isn't a problem with someone my height. Just different positions for different cases IMHO; I just wasn't expecting to hear so many people say that they've never had those difficulties across the height spectrum.

Nov 09 11 - 8:10pm

Indeed, height and weight matter very much in bed, though I've found that it's ease of mobility, not positioning, that's the issue. I remember a friend of mine was dating a very overweight woman who complained that he was too gentle in bed and didn't throw her around enough. When he dumped her and dated someone half her size, he discovered a whole new assertive/dominant side to his sexuality. It's hard to throw someone around if you can barely breathe when they're on top.
Of course plenty of tall women are also slender, but a 6'2" woman is still going to weigh quite a bit more than a 5'2" woman with the same body type.

Nov 09 11 - 1:35pm

Being 6'1" tall, I have dated women who are average (5'6"), short and been with one that was tall (6'3"). I find qualities that are attactive in any height category. The one that was 6'3" had a 6'6" sister who liked to wear 6" heels. Man was she georgeous but a little bitchy. My wife is 5'1" and she is just as beautiful.

Nov 09 11 - 6:35pm

I am surprised at how many females are claiming that they don't mind dating a shorter guy or how "other qualities" matter. Either Nerve attracts a different set of women, or they are lying through their teeth.

Yes I am short male, so of course it's all sour grapes. But really, I have never met a tall woman who gives shorter men an equal chance. They are not bitchy, or biased, they just prefer taller men and I accept that.

Nov 09 11 - 8:13pm

Yes, I'm always amused by women who lament the world's weightism and/or lookism, but won't date a guy who's under 6 feet. It'd be nice if we could agree that it's OK for men to be weightist, and it's OK for women to be heightist, and both sexes should quit bitching about it.
(P.S. I'm not short, so I don't have a stake in this one way or the other -- I just loathe hypocrisy)

Nov 10 11 - 12:05am
@both ggg's

Firstly, nobody's "lying through their teeth". There ARE women who wouldn't mind dating a shorter man. I know because I happen to be one of those women. But I also haven't met many short men who give taller women an "equal chance" as you put it, and I'm only 5'8" - so I can imagine how much more difficult the dating scene is for women who are even taller.

Secondly, it's all relative, and it's all PRIMITIVE. For me - there's something really nice about being closer in height with your significant other... it's the eye to eye conversations, being able to hear his breathing, etc.,etc ... there's just a stronger physical and psychological connection/attraction. I also suspect that short women are much more heightist than tall women, and I suspect that it all has to do with procreation. Based on my circle of female friends, all the short ones describe an aversion to being with a shorter man because they do not want to increase the chances of having "short kids". I don't seek a super tall man because the thought of having "short kids" has never crossed my's never crossed my mind because... well, I'm on the tall side.

Nov 10 11 - 4:57pm
@both ggg's

"Secondly, it's all relative, and it's all PRIMITIVE."
I agree. It'd just be nice, I suppose, if more women were candid about the fact that their preferences are every bit as shallow as men's. It's not like wanting a tall man is somehow nobler than wanting a woman with big breasts, or one who's not fat. I guess it relates to women's anxiety that men will leave them when they get old and unattractive, so the idea that high priority on physical appearances = shallow bastard gets pushed hard.
(P.S. Procreation, maybe...but I still maintain that women's attraction to power is the third rail in any honest discussion of gender roles, and height = power in most people's minds.)

Nov 10 11 - 4:58pm
@@both ggg's

Sorry, that should've been @@.

Nov 10 11 - 10:24pm

I haven't seen any women on here claim that a preference for height ISN'T shallow. I don't think you should assume that women don't have shallow preferences the same as men. In my experience, it's more men who are offended by these preferences. Women are used to being judged in shallow ways.

Nov 10 11 - 11:43pm

Oh, I've never assumed that women don't have shallow preferences, nor am I offended by them. I just wish we'd stop pretending that women are any nobler than men -- an idea rooted in Victorian notions -- or that their "shallow preferences" deserve to be called anything but what they are. Again I come back to the difference in how we view short men vs. fat women: when a short guy has no romantic luck, we snicker knowingly about "short man's syndrome" and basically see him as ridiculous and blameworthy; when a fat woman has no luck, we cluck sympathetically and talk about what pigs men are, since they can't see the inner beauty. That strikes me as deeply hypocritical, at best.

(To be blunt about it, I think most people instinctively feel that women are more deserving of sympathy than men...and that men who show signs of weakness or suffering are deserving of contempt. After all, men are supposed to be strong, and are valued for their power. But that's another conversation...)

Nov 10 11 - 2:05pm
Schweet Dee

I'm tall (er) 5'9" and 5'11" in heels and it's hard even for someone my height to date shorter fellows. They really get weird about it. I dated a guy that wouldn't leave the house with me if I had anything taller than ballet flats. (P.S. the "There's only so much squatting you can do." made me spit out my coffee!

Nov 11 11 - 3:33pm

" I just wish we'd stop pretending that women are any nobler than men -- an idea rooted in Victorian notions -- or that their "shallow preferences" deserve to be called anything but what they are" and, "(To be blunt about it, I think most people instinctively feel that women are more deserving of sympathy than men...and that men who show signs of weakness or suffering are deserving of contempt. After all, men are supposed to be strong, and are valued for their power. But that's another conversation...)"

I could not agree more!! Ladies, listen up, it's time to start holding up your end of the feminism/equality bargain. So far, too many have happily scooped up the benefits gained in recent decades, yet stubbornly cling to female privilege so clearly described by @nn.

Woman up, ladies. Step up, start taking some risks, taking some initiative with men, make that call instead of standing on some ludicrous principle that "it's the man's job" and other such nonsense. And stop with the misandry while you're at it.

Nov 12 11 - 2:22am

I've fallen for tall women, (I'm 6'1") and have always been turned down by women both taller than me and just slightly shorter. They all want taller guys. It seems like women that are 5'9" and above want someone 6'5" at least.

Nov 12 11 - 12:52pm

What a bunch of whiney freaking men in this comments section. Gawd. NO ONE here is pretending women are nobler than men. Women just don't spend as much time bitching about the injustice of the fact that not every single guy they find attractive wants to sleep with them. If you refuse to believe women are judged just as much by shallow characteristics, I really see no point in continuing this conversation.

Dec 21 11 - 4:50pm

Here's what women bitch about.

Short women bitch about being approached by the short guys who think they have a chance for a date, only to be shot down in flames. They want the same tall guy every woman wants. Tall chicks bitch about the lack of men approaching them but they don't necessarily include shorter guys. We don't count as men because of our height. I'm a short guy, 5'6, who loves tall ladies but I don't discriminate against the short girls either. Needless to say it's the short girls who do most of the rejecting because I'm not over 6'0. Tall girls are sometimes more receptive, especially the ladies standing taller than 6'0. The smart ones know that cutting out shorter men severely limits her dating pool. Truthfully though, the harshest rejections have come from tall women whether it's in the form of being laughed at for trying or simply by her stating, " I don't like or date short guys."

I don't deny that men superficially judge women, but when society justifies labelling a short man with short-man-syndrome or call him Napoleanic just because he's aggressive, ambitious and strives for success in life like everyone else, that's a problem.

Nov 12 11 - 12:53pm

I think that perspective is all in your head. REALLY.

Nov 14 11 - 5:41pm

I am 6'2", and find women that are as tall as me very sexy. There are plenty of 5'6" blondes walkin around, but there aren't many over 6'.

Nov 23 11 - 3:31am

All of my questions settled-tanhks!

Nov 23 11 - 5:23pm
G Unit

I'm 6'4" and have never seen women pretty at these first too with that height. I don't discriminate on height, but I do discriminate if you are very out of shape, or sloppy dresser.

Dec 11 11 - 5:12pm

Height means very little when bent over or on hands and knee's. Get over it and move on if it's an issue.

Dec 20 11 - 11:42am

I'm a 5'4 male, and I love tall women. How else am I supposed to make children who can support me through their athletic prowess?

Dec 26 11 - 4:45am

I'm 5'9". I've got no problems dating a woman that is taller than me, but I find that most taller women want an equal height or taller partner. I've only ever found two women who did not feel self conscious about stepping out with a shorter guy. Anna, I'm glad to hear that you don't let this get in the way. There's a lot of shorter willing and able guys around.

Feb 16 12 - 4:04pm

I totally wish I could have a fine, long-legged, tall, sexy, beautiful woman just like Anna Goldfarb! Her and the lovely Arianne Cohen are awesome, amazing women! What a dream it would be to have both of these ladies fightin' for my attention LOL!!! Oh man I'm starting to sweat thinking about it!!!

Anna's enthusiasm for shorter guys is kinda strange to me, but not entirely unbelievable. Hooray for her if she's for real! Need more of her in this world. Not that I think there's anything wrong with her afinity for shorter guys. It's just deathly rare that a taller women especially standing more than 6 feet, has any type of fondness for shorter people. I believe tall women subconsciously seek out other women like themselves physically, so they don't appear as freakishly taller than everyone else. I always see tall women in groups together, sometimes with a short girl or two as part of the group but the competition is still very intense for the tall guys. Some tall women aren't as embarrased in public with shorter women friends because most people will think they're just buddies with height differences. It's not the same for short guys because taller women have troubles dealing with the negative attention from the public that goes with dating him. She'll be called a mom or a big sister which are two of her biggest fears. Most short guys I know don't have issues with taller women and would happily date them if given the opportunity. This is where the problem lies. For every 6 foot + woman like Anna Goldfarb who's open to dating a shorter man, there are ten times as many, if not a whole lot more who adamantly refuse shorter guys. They disqualify guys even if he's one half inch shorter. Usually, if the heels say yes, he's a go. If the heels say no, he's SOL.

Apr 27 12 - 4:17pm
michele ghinzinelli

hi all

May 15 12 - 11:01pm

I'm six foot and wear heels sometimes. On my dating profile I'd said prefer a guy my height or taller BECAUSE the shorter guys I've dated have felt uncomfortable with me in heels and it made me feel awkward. I just went out with a 5'8" guy though because he messaged me anyway insisting he had "6ft swagger"--as long as he's comfortable I am!