REGULARS







D, 35

What is the worst attempted pickup you ever witnessed from behind the bar?
All the old clichés like "Do I know you from somewhere?" But there’s nothing worse than a woman who’s just hanging on a man and won’t take no for an answer. It’s very rare that I see a guy who’s physically clinging to a woman, but women think they have a right to touch someone.

What sexual tendencies/characteristics do you associate with the following drink orders:

A man and a chocolate martini?
Oh, he’s gay.


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What if it's a dirty martini?

He's a real confident man. It’s a tough drink.

A woman who orders Maker’s Mark, neat?
Also a tough drink. For a strong personality.

And if she orders Stoli vanilla and Diet Coke?
Oh, please! Are you joking?

If you had to use one item from behind the bar during sex, what would it be and how would you use it?
The first one would be ice. We also have candles behind the bar, so you could use wax. And we have rags, if you have bedposts.

How long should a person wait after a breakup before hooking up with someone new?
As soon as possible. The best way to forget the old one is to get under a new one or on top of a new one, whichever works for you.

Give me some do's and don'ts for a guy who wants to seduce his barmaid.
Bartenders flirt, but it’s a business, and 90% of the time, it’s done because money is involved. At first, it’s flattering to have someone flirt with you, but after a while, it’s like, enough already. So don’t sit there all night and get drunk, because the more wasted you get, the uglier you get.

K, 34

My boyfriend is a little shy about having sex while I’ve got my period. What should I do?
Find out exactly what it is that disgusts him about it and work around that — or just have sex in the shower.

What is the worst attempted-pickup you ever witnessed from behind the bar?
There are all those bad one-liners, like "Do you come here often?" or "How about I buy you a beer and cook you breakfast?" They’re so baaaaad!

What sexual tendencies/characteristics do you associate with the following drink orders:

A man who orders a chocolate martini?
He’s gay.

A man who orders a dirty martini?
Salty spunk!

A woman who orders a Maker’s Mark, neat?
I love her — she’s a badass, confident, maybe a little dominant.

A woman who orders a Stoli vanilla and diet coke?
Mmm, timid.

If you had to use one item from behind the bar during sex, what would it be and how would you use it?
This is pretty awful, but I just thought of the Galliano bottle! Maybe a little bit of whipped cream.

What is the sexiest food a person can prepare for their lover?
My meal would be — and this is the only one I really know how to cook — a pepper-crusted tuna steak with some greens on the side, and to finish up, I like some raspberry sorbet with sliced kiwi. It’s all very flavorful, but you're not too full.

Under what circumstances should someone fake an orgasm?
I want to say ‘none’, but I’ve done it so many times. If you’re in a serious relationship, you need to address the situation. But if you’re at that stage where you really dig him but you don’t want to destroy his ego yet, you might fake it. It can take time to get comfortable with someone.

L, 32

Which is sexier: virginal white lingerie, or vixenish black?
I like the way black looks against skin.

What is the worst attempted-pickup you ever witnessed from behind the bar?
Probably the worst, because it was just gross, was when a guy said to me, "I know you’re married, but do you want to go out with me anyway?" I just laughed at him and walked away.

What sexual tendencies/characteristics do you associate with the following:


A man who orders a chocolate martini?
He’s a Wall Streeter.

A man who orders a dirty martini?
Middle-aged, and a gentleman.

A woman who orders a Maker’s Mark, neat?
My kind of girl, no bullshit. But that’s my drink, so I’m biased.

A woman who orders a Stoli vanilla and Diet Coke?

She’s probably twenty-two years old and high-maintenance.

If you had to use an item from behind the bar during sex, what would it be and how would you use it?
Chambord. It’s tasty, it’s sweet, it’s sticky.

Give me some dos and don’ts for a guy who wants to seduce his barmaid.
I met my husband here [in the bar] through friends. He was straight-up, forward, and honest — I like that. Also, don’t sit there all night and get drunk. Put money on the bar, tip me well. And don’t bring another girl in the next week when I turn you down.


L, 25

How big is too big?
My forearm is about as big as I’ll go.

Should any body part be permanently off-limits for biting while fooling around?
I don’t think anybody’s genitals should be bitten.

What sexual tendencies/characteristics do you associate with the following:

A man who orders a chocolate martini?
You don’t want to jump to the conclusion that he’s gay, but it’s hard not to.

A man who orders a dirty martini?
I guess there’s something to be said for a man who likes it salty.

A woman who orders a Maker’s Mark, neat?
That woman ain’t messin’ around. She’s a force to be reckoned with.

What if she orders a Stoli vanilla and Diet Coke?
I don’t understand the concept of mixing vodka with Coca-Cola.

If you had to use one item from behind the bar during sex, what would it be and how would you use it?
A muddler! It’s a wooden stick that you use to mash stuff in a bowl that kind of looks like a baseball bat. There are many ways you could use that.



Sex Advice From... appears every Thursday. Do you have sex-advice questions for the general public? Send them to sexadvicefrom@nerve.com.

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Commentarium (5 Comments)

Jul 22 04 - 8:00pm
joma

As an ex no holds barred female bartender(got out of the biz AFTER i took away a sawed-off shot gun away from a sot of a robber...another story),my favorite quote about the night to begin came from a irish brawler who knew how to BARTEND/run a room:

"We are about to see crimes against nature,shield yer eyes."

Jul 22 04 - 8:05pm
LL

I loved this.. It was awesome. Wish there was more.

Jul 22 04 - 8:51pm
am

Girls are cool. :) All were so fine, but especially the first one seemed wise and the last one was just a hottie.

Did you go by any chance to a lesbian bar too? I mean, you never know what women bartenders there can teach you...

Jul 24 04 - 9:14am
JSF

Thanks ladies. I enjoyed the insight.

Sep 27 11 - 9:00pm
JP

Hey! Chocolate Martini's aren't gay! I just have a sweet tooth, damn it!