Advice

Sex Advice from Female Bartenders

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Q: “What’s the best way to pickup a female bartender?” A: “Don’t. She’ll pick you up if she wants to.”

Vanessa, 38 
 
Why date a bartender?

Free booze and a steady supply of cash.

What kind of drinks should I avoid ordering if I'm trying to impress a bartender?
Anything girly — no sex-on-the-beach shots or apple martinis. Stick with cheap beer and good tequila or bourbon.

What's the best way to pick up a bartender?
Don't. She'll pick you up if she wants to.

What do people do that keeps you from picking them up?  
Where do I start? Impatient people who wave their hands at you when you're obviously busy, people who don't know what they want and take forever to order, anyone who is rude and doesn't tip, high-maintenance customers who want some super-exotic drink, sleazy men who make sleazy comments. 

For the last week or two, I've been ignoring this guy who I casually dated, yet he really doesn't seem to get the hint. How do I politely blow him off?
I believe in being direct and honest, especially in this day and age when you can use email or text to do so (sort of hypocritical, I know, but an honest text is always better, in my opinion, than just blowing someone off). Kindly tell him you aren't interested in him romantically. Just be gentle and let him down easily.

My friend is cheating on his girlfriend, who's also my good friend. I don't know what to do. Should I intevene? 
That's a doozie. It really depends on how you feel about cheating. If you think it's a big deal, tell the person who is being cheated on. Personally, I would say stay out of it… but if the person does find out and then finds out that you knew, they are probably going to feel hurt and pissed off you didn't tell them. It's kind of lose/lose. 

My boyfriend gets serious morning wood and always wants to have sex before he leaves for work. I, on the other hand, hate morning sex. Any tips for dealing with this? Should we make a sex schedule?
I'm in a similar situation and I say no. No schedule. It takes the fun out of sex. Whenever I think I'm too tired for sex, I still make the effort for my boyfriend and always end up enjoying myself. Next time he wants to have sex in the morning, do it. You might be pleasantly surprised and enjoy it.

My boyfriend is starting to get bizarrely jealous and a little possessive of me. If I wear a tight skirt to work, he'll express dissatisfaction. We've been together for a long time and we really love each other, but this new habit is pissing me off. How do I tell him to back off?
Just like that! I would also talk to him and find out why he's feeling insecure and jealous all of a sudden. There might be an underlying issue here that needs to be addressed.

My girlfriend recently gained some weight and it’s definitely affecting our sex-life. It's not the weight itself though, so much as her insecurity about it. She gets touchy when I even try to tell her to chill out about it. Any advice?
Yes. If it doesn't bother you, don't bring it up. She'll talk to you about it when she's ready. In the meantime, tell her you think she's beautiful, and take her out on some dates.

Stacey, 26

Why date a bartender? 
We're used to getting hit on, so it doesn't make us tempted when people flirt with us. I also see a lot of people make fools of themselves, which makes me super thankful for the boyfriend I have. Bartenders are usually confident and easy to talk to. My boyfriend always likes how he can take me anywhere, and I’ll strike up conversation with anyone. He doesn't have to worry or babysit me; I can hold my own. 
 
What's the best way to pick up a bartender?
 
Just be cool. Buy her a drink and let her know you appreciate how crazy her job can be some times. Say something quick and witty if it's busy. And leave a good tip! Comment on the music if you like it because she might have something to do with what's playing at the bar. Smile and act like a gentleman — that really stands out to me.

What’s the best way to pick up a bartender? 
Don’t order anything girly (unless you're making a joke of it), anything that’s time-consuming to make (unless it's that kind of bar), or anything mixed with juice. Nothing ghetto either, like a rum and Coke with no ice. And don't order expensive liquors unless you're drinking them straight. Please don't mix Courvoisier and Coke.

Why are bartenders better in bed?  
Confidence is a huge factor. And we're used to having conversations about sex. And we like to drink a lot which makes us easy and adventurous (kidding… sort of). Plus all bartenders like giving blowjobs and getting it in the butt! Kidding, again.

For the last week or two, I've been ignoring this guy who I casually dated, yet he really doesn't seem to get the hint. How do I politely blow him off? Tell him you want to set him up with one of your friends [laughs]. No, that's kind of fucked up. Honestly, if I was already ignoring him anyway, I would just send the cowardly text saying I'm not interested or that I met someone I really like. I know everyone thinks doing things like that via text message is wrong, but I think it saves him the humiliation also. 

My friend is cheating on his girlfriend, who's also my good friend. I don't know what to do. Should I intevene? 
Talk to the adulterous one first. Tell them you think it's really uncool, and that it puts you in a bad situation. Give them the ultimatum of telling their significant other themselves or you will. If you aren't willing to get that involved, then you have to just ignore it. 

My boyfriend gets serious morning wood and always wants to have sex before he leaves for work. I, on the other hand, hate morning sex. Do I plan a schedule? 
What the hell? Who hates morning sex? This one is difficult for me to answer because I would never turn down morning sex, even if it made me late for something. (Also, I don't understand how people date people they can't talk to. What the fuck people, it's called communication!) Just tell him you don't really like it that much, but you'll compromise and do it, just not every day. Don't make a stupid schedule though; who wants scheduled sex? Goodbye, spontaneity! 

My girlfriend recently gained some weight and it’s definitely affecting our sex-life. It's not the weight itself though, so much as her insecurity about it. She gets touchy when I even try to tell her to chill out about it. Any advice?
I've been in this situation before. I would tell her that it's not the weight gain that I dislike, but it's the attitude that it's causing. Then maybe sign you guys up for a gym or go running or start cooking better meals together. And if she acts offended by any of this, keep calm and tell her you are resolving something that's turning into an issue for both of you. She'll give in; I would.

Sarah, 23

What's the best way to pick up a bartender? 
You’ve definitely got to be subtle. I would come in a few times and casually suss out the situation. See if she perks up when you walk in the door. Don’t be creepy; sweet Christ, please don’t be creepy. I had this one guy come in, get completely wasted, and then sit and sketch my face on a napkin for like an hour. He was so drunk that, when he tried to write his phone number on the napkin, he ended up writing eleven digits. Don’t be that guy. 
 
What kind of drinks should I avoid ordering if I'm trying to impress a bartender? 
I would stick with whiskey and a beer. If you order a Long Island Iced Tea or an apple martini, I’ll definitely judge you. Though I once dated a guy who drank Baileys on the rocks. Even though I let him hang around for awhile, it was still weird and definitely a turn-off. 
 
Why are bartenders better in bed? 
Well, when we aren’t totally wasted… just kidding. The job requires confidence, an out-going personality, and a sense of fun. Those things translate well to the bedroom, no? 
 
What can a customer do to really piss you off? 
My main pet peeve is really disgusting men. I serve a lot of older guys who incessantly talk my ear off, while blatantly checking out my breasts. Also, they’ll say stuff like “I don’t bite the hand that feeds me… unless you want me to,” and wink. That kind of stuff really pisses me off, because these guys are in their sixties. They aren’t thinking, “Let me hit on this girl and see if she likes me too.” When older men continually hit on you even though they know there’s no chance, it starts to feel like harassment and you’re just stuck behind this bar. Being sexually harassed for a living isn’t really fun.

Do female bartenders really make more money than male bartenders?
Yes, definitely. I think most women tip around twenty percent, whereas most men, if they’re trying to flirt, will tip way extra. It’s strange, but I find that men just want to give their money away to pretty girls.  

For the last week or two, I've been ignoring this guy who I casually dated, yet he really doesn't seem to get the hint. How do I politely blow him off?
O
h, this is tough. I don’t know. If he isn’t getting the hint, it seems like being polite isn’t going to work, right? I would just say: “Dude, I’m really not interested. You’ve got to back off”— it’s going to hurt his feelings and it’s hard to be that blunt with someone, but I think it saves everyone time and heartbreak and stress. 

My friend is cheating on his girlfriend, who's also my good friend. I don't know what to do. Should I intevene? I’m getting gray hairs just thinking about this one. If you’re really good friends with both people, I’d talk to the cheater and be like, “get it together!” I don’t know what I’d do besides that; probably just mill around and be completely miserable and stressed out until the cheatee found out and then got really angry with me for not saying something. Yeah, do that.

My boyfriend gets serious morning wood and always wants to have sex before he leaves for work. I, on the other hand, hate morning sex. Do I plan a schedule?
Sometimes waking up to a boner poking you in the lower back isn’t the sexiest thing; I get it. But I say go with it! Denying a partner sex stirs up all kinds of insecurity and power issues, and I would personally always rather just have sex than deal with feelings. Just kidding. On the other hand, if you really, really don’t want to have sex with him in the morning… just get out of bed before he wakes up? God, that’s really passive-aggressive, isn’t it?  

My girlfriend recently gained some weight and it’s definitely affecting our sex-life. It's not the weight itself though, so much as her insecurity about it. She gets touchy when I even try to tell her to chill out about it. Any advice?
Don’t talk to her! What are you doing? Who talks to a woman about her weight? God, you know even less than I do about relationships. This situation sucks, but what the hell are you going to say? “Hey, I noticed this minimal fat gain has really fucked up your head?”