Sarah, 23

What's the best way to pick up a bartender? 
You’ve definitely got to be subtle. I would come in a few times and casually suss out the situation. See if she perks up when you walk in the door. Don’t be creepy; sweet Christ, please don’t be creepy. I had this one guy come in, get completely wasted, and then sit and sketch my face on a napkin for like an hour. He was so drunk that, when he tried to write his phone number on the napkin, he ended up writing eleven digits. Don’t be that guy. 
 
What kind of drinks should I avoid ordering if I'm trying to impress a bartender? 
I would stick with whiskey and a beer. If you order a Long Island Iced Tea or an apple martini, I’ll definitely judge you. Though I once dated a guy who drank Baileys on the rocks. Even though I let him hang around for awhile, it was still weird and definitely a turn-off. 
 
Why are bartenders better in bed? 
Well, when we aren’t totally wasted… just kidding. The job requires confidence, an out-going personality, and a sense of fun. Those things translate well to the bedroom, no? 
 
What can a customer do to really piss you off? 
My main pet peeve is really disgusting men. I serve a lot of older guys who incessantly talk my ear off, while blatantly checking out my breasts. Also, they’ll say stuff like “I don’t bite the hand that feeds me… unless you want me to,” and wink. That kind of stuff really pisses me off, because these guys are in their sixties. They aren’t thinking, “Let me hit on this girl and see if she likes me too.” When older men continually hit on you even though they know there’s no chance, it starts to feel like harassment and you’re just stuck behind this bar. Being sexually harassed for a living isn’t really fun.

Do female bartenders really make more money than male bartenders?
Yes, definitely. I think most women tip around twenty percent, whereas most men, if they’re trying to flirt, will tip way extra. It’s strange, but I find that men just want to give their money away to pretty girls.  

For the last week or two, I've been ignoring this guy who I casually dated, yet he really doesn't seem to get the hint. How do I politely blow him off?
Oh, this is tough. I don’t know. If he isn’t getting the hint, it seems like being polite isn’t going to work, right? I would just say: “Dude, I’m really not interested. You’ve got to back off”— it’s going to hurt his feelings and it’s hard to be that blunt with someone, but I think it saves everyone time and heartbreak and stress. 

My friend is cheating on his girlfriend, who's also my good friend. I don't know what to do. Should I intevene? I’m getting gray hairs just thinking about this one. If you’re really good friends with both people, I’d talk to the cheater and be like, “get it together!” I don’t know what I’d do besides that; probably just mill around and be completely miserable and stressed out until the cheatee found out and then got really angry with me for not saying something. Yeah, do that.

My boyfriend gets serious morning wood and always wants to have sex before he leaves for work. I, on the other hand, hate morning sex. Do I plan a schedule?
Sometimes waking up to a boner poking you in the lower back isn’t the sexiest thing; I get it. But I say go with it! Denying a partner sex stirs up all kinds of insecurity and power issues, and I would personally always rather just have sex than deal with feelings. Just kidding. On the other hand, if you really, really don’t want to have sex with him in the morning… just get out of bed before he wakes up? God, that’s really passive-aggressive, isn’t it?  

My girlfriend recently gained some weight and it’s definitely affecting our sex-life. It's not the weight itself though, so much as her insecurity about it. She gets touchy when I even try to tell her to chill out about it. Any advice?
Don’t talk to her! What are you doing? Who talks to a woman about her weight? God, you know even less than I do about relationships. This situation sucks, but what the hell are you going to say? “Hey, I noticed this minimal fat gain has really fucked up your head?”