Advice

Sex Advice From Fireworks Vendors

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Andi, 27
www.theunclesamsfireworks.com

What’s the most overrated erogenous zone?
I would say the boobs. Don’t get me wrong, they’re very important, but there comes a time when you’ve got to move on. No wait, scratch that — feet. Feet are disgusting.

What have fireworks taught you about dating? andi
Size matters. Also, what’s pictured on the package isn’t always what’s going to blow up.

My boyfriend wants to try role-playing, but I laugh when I think about it. How can I avoid embarrassing him when we’re actually doing it?
Yeah, you don’t want to laugh. Why don’t you start out with something comical where you’re in control? Instead of having him pick the scenario, pick something that you’re comfortable with. That way you’ll be thinking about what to do next, instead of, “What is he going to do next?”

I’m unemployed, so money’s tight — what sex toy will give me the most bang for my buck?
That’s obvious — the back massager. Not very creative, but that’s the affordable standby.

What is the best way to pick up a fireworks salesman?
You have to be a big spender and be genuinely interested in my opinion about my favorite fireworks. And after I go through everything with you, you have to ask me if I want to come over and help fire them off.

Glen, 29

What have fireworks taught you about dating?
If you feel like something’s going to blow up in your face, you need to turn around and run the other way as fast as you can.glen

I want my boyfriend to talk dirty during sex, but it’s something his crazy ex asked him to do all the time. How can I ask him to do it without bringing up bad memories?
I can relate with this one. There’s no way to avoid setting off bad past-relationship memories, whether they’re sex-related or not. You need to help him remember that this is a different relationship, with a different person who cares about him. Some things may be the same, but it’s a different and better situation.

Why should I date a fireworks salesman?
I would have to say the best reason to date someone who’s in the fireworks industry is that we have the biggest balls.

My boyfriend wants to try role-playing, but I laugh when I think about it. How can I avoid embarrassing him when we’re actually doing it?
I don’t see any reason why laughing during role-play would be embarrassing for either party. The whole point of role-playing is to have fun, explore, and fulfill a fantasy. You should just dive in and not think about it. You never know what kind of exciting, new thing you might end up liking.

I’m unemployed, so money’s tight — what sex toy will give me the most bang for my buck?
One of those cheap electric toothbrushes. You can get those for under ten bucks and it will start your clit on fire. You’ll love it so much.

My boyfriend disappeared for a week. No calls, no email. When he came back, he said he was visiting a friend. Should I worry about this?
Visiting a friend? He was banging a friend. If you suspect your significant other is cheating or doing something that would be inappropriate for your relationship, odds are they are. You need to confront him. If he stumbles through his answers, he’s lying. You need to ditch that guy and find somebody better.

What’s the most overrated erogenous zone?
I would have to say the butt. It really doesn’t serve much purpose.

Tamara, 21

What have fireworks taught you about dating?
There’s always a dud.

My boyfriend disappeared for a week. No calls, no email. When he came back, he said he was visiting a friend. Should I worry about this?
Yeah, you should worry about that. If the guy won’t tell you where he was, he’s probably messing around with someone else. You can dig for information, but you might not like what you find. If he’s not open from the start, obviously there’s something wrong there.

What’s the most overrated erogenous zone? tamara
It’s the clit for women, because some guys have the touch and some don’t. Some guys just go way overboard. For guys, I would say the balls. I don’t mess around with them. Too much work.

The new girl I’m seeing said she doesn’t really read books, just magazines. As an avid reader, I was turned off. Can we work it out?
Get over it. I mean, she’s reading something; it doesn’t have to be a novel or a three-inch-thick book. You can still have a good conversation if you don’t read a novel everyday.

My boyfriend wants to try role-playing, but I laugh when I think about it. How can I avoid embarrassing him when we’re actually doing it?
When you do it, just remind yourself: you’re doing it for him. It’s something he really wants. That’ll keep you from laughing.

Why is the Fourth of July a great holiday for getting some action?
It’s the explosions that just set it off. It’s really exciting and it’s kind of like, “Ooh! Ahh! Let’s go!”