Advice

Sex Advice From Flight Attendants

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Q: What are some tips for joining the mile-high club? A: Don't.

Megan, 34

Why are flight attendants better in bed?
Flight attendants tend to be better in bed because we have a flexible, open-minded attitude, You need an adventurous spirit to be in this line of work. I’ve done it for sixteen years and have seen the world and sampled many of the local offerings. Hey, you never know if you'll like something if you don't try it!

What are some tips for joining the mile-high club?
The mile-high club is highly overrated! Yes, I'm a member, but the airplane bathroom is a really uncomfortable, smelly, tight space. But if you must, make sure both parties are raring to go ASAP! Don't think no one is watching — you're on a ticking clock. Ladies or gentlemen should bend over the commode for doggie style. It's the least complicated and most comfortable, and you can play it off better while trying to escape unnoticed. Ladies should consider a skirt for easy access.

Besides asking for a beverage or not stowing my portable electronic devices, what's the best way to get the romantic attention of a flight attendant?
If you're interested in a certain trolley dolly, why not try to talk to her? (After service, of course.) On an average day, a flight attendant has seen and heard at least fifty bullshit stories, so a little sincerity goes a long way. Oh, and being non-compliant and a pest really just pisses us off and pretty much eliminates your chances!

If "the flight attendant" was a sex position, how would it work?
That’s a tough one. Based on my fondest memories, it would getting thrown against the wall near a hotel-room door by a significant other, while I’m still in my uniform. Some men really love that polyester.

I just started dating someone new, and she insists on taking it slow. Too slow! I like her, but am I a jerk if I dump her because things aren't progressing? How can I get her to move faster without being as asshole?
Are you and this girl monogamous? If neither of you are seeing other people, then usually around the third or fourth date, you're doing the horizontal mambo. If that isn't the case, and you haven't discussed it, I can see her hesitation. Is she religious? Just out of a commitment? If you were to dump her now without having "the talk", yup, you're an asshole.

I'm a woman, and my girlfriend and I have been dating for over a year. I still haven't met her family. I'm worried that maybe she's not out to them, so they don't even know about our relationship. What's the best way to bring it up without making her feel judged?
I hate to say it, but your girlfriend isn't out to her family — and if she's hiding her lover of over a year from them — what is she hiding from you? Do you really want to be with someone who hasn't come to terms with her sexuality? Tread carefully on this one, but I would explain that if you plan on sharing your life with this person, it's important to know all the people in her life. If she resists, cut your losses and bolt.

My ex and I broke up a year ago, but he randomly sent me a birthday card with a gift certificate. I think he's just being nice, but I know my current boyfriend might see things differently. I'm going to keep this a secret, but I'd like to ask my ex not to send me more gifts. Is that the right thing to do?
I've had this problem with my ex-husband. The bottom line: your ex isn't "being nice." He basically realizes he fucked up a really great thing, misses you, and wants to get naked with you again. Don't tell your current squeeze about the gift, because he will tell you what I'm telling you. You need to chat with the ex and explain that this is inappropriate behavior. If you accept these gifts, you need to realize that the price may not be worth it.

I found a picture of my brother's girlfriend on a dating site for lesbians. Should I tell him?
I don't envy you in the least. I would speak to my brother immediately, but make sure you have all the proof at your fingertips. The longer they’ve been together, the more complicated and overall unpleasant it becomes. The girlfriend appears to have issues to sort through, and it doesn't need to be on your brother's time.

My boyfriend and I have a great relationship, but lately, we've been having less sex. What do you think might be going on? How can I kick our sex life back into gear?
Something's up, and it isn't his penis. He could be under pressure or depressed. But, experience has taught me that if a man isn't having sex with you, he's doing someone else. In either case, you have needs, too! When he walks in the door, wear nothing but a smile, send naughty text messages, role-play, or invest in kink. If you're not doing the humpty dance after these efforts, hire a private detective to find out who he’s screwing.

Kevin, 35

Why are flight attendants better in bed?
Our job is a strange mix of subservience and authority. Passengers have to comply with our instructions, but at the same time, we’re in a customer-service role. In bed, it leads to a situation of give and take. Flight attendants are responsive to their partners, but have a take-control attitude.

What are some tips for joining the mile high club?
Don't. The crew always knows what's going on even on night flights. If two people try to do it in the cabin, it can lead to trouble and possible arrest. A commercial airliner is a public place. The most common place for in-flight encounters is the lavatories. At least they're not out in the open, but airplane lavatories are filthy. How anyone can find that exciting is beyond me.

Besides asking for a beverage or not stowing my portable electronic devices, what's the best way to get the romantic attention of a flight attendant?
We see those things hundreds of times, day in and day out. If you just ask for a drink, we'll think you're needy. If you don't turn off your phone, we just think you're not paying attention to the announcements. If you see a crew-member you like, chat them up in the galley when they're not doing anything. Don't be shy! Remember: If you're on a plane with 250 people, you have to stand out from the crowd.

I just started dating someone new, and she insists on taking it slow. Too slow! I like her, but am I a jerk if I dump her because things aren't progressing? How can I get her to move faster without being as asshole?
If your girlfriend is moving too slowly, talk to her about it. Too many couples tell their friends about their love problems, and leave their date in the dark. If she isn't responsive to the talk, then move on.

My ex and I broke up a year ago, but he randomly sent me a birthday card with a gift certificate. I think he's just being nice, but I know my current boyfriend might see things differently. I'm going to keep this a secret, but I'd like to ask my ex not to send me more gifts. Is that the right thing to do?
There's nothing wrong with asking your ex to stop sending you gifts. Explain to him it's not necessary — since you don't send him one, there's no need to reciprocate. Or ask him if he's trying to win you back. Tell him where you stand.

The noises my girlfriend makes in bed start out hot, but as things progress sexually, they get weirder and weirder. I think she's faking her orgasm. Should I ask her? What's the best way to tell her this bothers me?
Just explain that she's turning you off — that should get her to stop. Or tell her you don't want the neighbors to hear, if that doesn't work.

I found a picture of my brother's girlfriend on a dating site for lesbians. Should I tell him?
I would stay out of my brother's love life if I discovered his girlfriend's profile on a lesbian dating site. You never know — her pictures could have been stolen!

My boyfriend and I have a great relationship, but lately, we've been having less sex. How can I kick our sex life back into gear?
Familiarity is killing the passion you felt when you first met. Think about the relationship. How long have you been together? Do you see yourself with this person for the long haul? If you do, try visiting a romantic place — somewhere close to where you live, or maybe somewhere far. You can share memories that will last, like a long weekend in Paris or an exclusive island in the Caribbean.

Alex, 46

Why are flight attendants better in bed?
Flight attendants have a lot of time off to think and talk. We spend inordinate amounts of time away from home, much of it spent flirting, talking about flirting, or talking about sex. Once home and showered up, we're good to go.

What are some tips for joining the mile high club?
Don't! Airplane lavatories are tiny, cramped spaces and not nearly as clean as you think. Plus, we’ll all know what you did and tell the whole crew about it. Then we’ll make excuses to walk past your seats just so we can see what you look like, raise our eyebrows, and think, “Mm hm… ”

Besides asking for a beverage or not stowing my portable electronic devices, what's the best way to get the romantic attention of a flight attendant?
Know exactly what beverage you'd like (and how you drink your coffee) before we get to your row. Always say "please" and "thank you.” And: STOW YOUR PORTABLE ELECTRONIC DEVICE! I may sweetly remind you to switch it off once, but anything more than that, you risk being considered a complete asshole. It’s not nice, much less a romantic way to get my attention.

If "the flight attendant" was a sex position, how would it work?
24/7/365. There are no holidays, and we can serve it up with a smile.

My boyfriend is away a lot on business trips, and he travels with a very attractive co-worker. What's the best way to stay on his mind so he doesn't ever get tempted to cheat?
Leave him something to remind him of you — from his favorite dinner packed and ready to heat, to a fresh pair of your skimpiest undies. I once gave a "masturbation kit" to my then boyfriend. It contained a dirty picture, some KY Jelly, and a Wet Nap. He thought I was the coolest girlfriend ever.

I just started dating someone new, and she insists on taking it slow. Too slow! I like her, but am I a jerk if I dump her because things aren't progressing? How can I get her to move faster without being as asshole?
Yes, you are a jerk. Obviously, you're not into the girl for her sparkling personality. Since you can have sex with anyone, leave her heart intact and go do that instead.

My ex and I broke up a year ago, but he randomly sent me a birthday card with a gift certificate. I think he's just being nice, but I know my current boyfriend might see things differently. I'm going to keep this a secret, but I'd like to ask my ex not to send me more gifts. Is that the right thing to do?
If you have had no other contact from the ex during the past year until you received your birthday card, he’s not being nice. He’s trying to weasel his way back into your life with this peace offering, and you would be a sucker to allow it to happen. If you care for your current boyfriend, then you should also care to not keep secrets from him. If he somehow finds out about the incident and you didn't tell him, you could cause more damage.

The noises my girlfriend makes in bed start out hot, but as things progress sexually, they get weirder and weirder. I think she's faking her orgasm. Should I ask her? What's the best way to tell her this bothers me?
Never, ever bring up intimate subjects while in the act of being intimate. Wait for a neutral time, like after breakfast in the morning or when walking through the park, to approach the topic.

My boyfriend and I have a great relationship, but lately, we've been having less sex. What do you think might be going on? How can I kick our sex life back into gear?
If you're confident he's not harboring latent feelings of homosexuality or having a love affair, ask. Is he under pressure at work? Is he where he wants to be (house, career, financially) at this point in his life? Women worry about flat stomachs or their thighs, but most men define themselves by where they stand in their career. Any lack of self-esteem can affect them in the bedroom area. Assure your man that you're on his side and in it for the long haul. And don’t be afraid to initiate sex.