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Sex Advice From… Florists

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Rachel, 22

My boyfriend has never bought me many gifts. Suddenly, he’s giving me flowers all the time. Should I be suspicious?
Yes, because that’s usually why people buy flowers from us — when they’ve done something wrong.

How do you know?
They tell us.

What kind of flowers should I give to a man?

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Give him a potted plant. It’s easier to take care of. I wouldn’t give a guy a bouquet — it’s too fussy.

How can I seduce a florist?
Bring them chocolate. They’re sick of flowers.

What’s your advice for having sex outside?
Avoid it. Too many things out there that’ll give you a rash.

What’s a good romantic gift for under twenty dollars?
It doesn’t have to be a big deal. Even just something like a card is good. I think guys assume that women just want big presents all the time, but what we want is something that let’s us know that while he’s out, we’re on his mind. Even something little and stupid. I think guys would appreciate that, too.


Peter, 45 peter
www.vjplantshop.com

What type of flowers should I give to a man who I have a crush on?
Most women give men “stronger” flowers: birds of paradise, orchids, gerbera daisies. But I find that men are becoming more open-minded. It’s not a sissy thing to get flowers anymore. You have to look at him. If he wears a lot of blue and yellow, you know blue and yellow flowers will be welcome. Most people don’t know what the specific colors mean anymore, anyway. The red rose always meant love, and the contemporary version of yellow is friendship, but the classical version meant “declining love” or “jealousy.” White is worthiness — an “I’m worthy of you” sort of thing. People used to send these specific messages with each bouquet.

My boyfriend has never bought me many gifts. Suddenly, he’s giving me flowers all the time. Should I assume he’s feeling guilty about something?
Depends on the way they’re delivered. It could be that he’s watched a movie and seen the results. But if someone is being sheepish when they give them to you, I’d be a little suspicious.

What’s the best way to seduce a florist?
I love getting flowers, but we florists don’t get them very often because we’re in the business. Wildflowers don’t have that chi-chi appeal for a lot of people, but I think if someone went for a walk and picked their own bouquet for me that would be a great seduction.

What advice can you give me for sex in the great outdoors?
The setting makes all the difference. Do it someplace like a mountaintop or a stream. Men pride themselves in being able to do it anywhere, but picturesque is still better than the parking lot of the hiking trail.

How can I incorporate flowers into sex?
Find something with a feathery top, dip it into chocolate sauce and paint your partner’s body. That way you’re incorporating color, texture and taste.

Anything we should steer clear of?
Using red rose petals can stain your skin. There are natural, and sometimes synthetic, dyes in every colored flower. White is your best bet if you don’t want to mark anything up. Otherwise, don’t use your silk sheets.

Nancy, 36nancy
www.getfreshflowers.ca

What kind of flowers can I give someone that will make them fall into bed with me?
Something with thought, something interesting, something . . . phallic? That’s always a good way to make your point. Something like a Bromeliad or even a nice carnivorous plant. A nice man-eater. I think it depends more on the person giving the flowers. It could be a single stem of daisy, and if you’re the right person, that’ll do the trick.

How can I incorporate flowers into sex?
If you’ve got something with a heady scent, fill the room that you’re going to have sex in. Fill it with enough flowers so that the only thing you can smell is that scent. Try Casablanca lilies, gardenias, jasmine . . . every woman is different. I don’t really go for heavy floral scents, personally. You can give me something musky.

I want to cover my boyfriend’s bed in flowers and have sex among them. Are there any that are toxic? How about flowers we can eat off each other?
There are lots you can eat. Some roses, carnations. I think some kinds of tulip. But never eat commercially bought flowers. Purchase them at an organic market where they’re grown without pesticides. You can ask somewhere that decorates wedding cakes with fresh blooms — they know where to get organically grown blossoms.

What’s your advice for having sex in the backseat of a car?
Make sure you’re parked where no one’s going to be around. Keep the windows open a crack — you want to be able to drive away quick if anyone catches you and steamy windows won’t help. And backseats are pretty small, so try it with the guy sitting down and the girl sitting on top. She can hold onto the handles above the doors. That way she’s got leverage.

I’m allergic to latex. How can I stay safe?
Do those sheep-intestine condoms protect against STDs?

Only somewhat.
Then you’re screwed, I guess. Masturbate until you find a monogamous partner.

I had a threesome with my best friend and her boyfriend. When we started, he began having sex with me before he had sex with her. She flipped out. Do I need to apologize?
If anyone is planning on having a threesome and they’re too dumb to realize that that’s what a threesome is all about — having sex with the other person — I mean, c’mon. No, I don’t think you need to apologize.

I want to have sex in a meadow of wildflowers. Any advice?
Wear a skirt, bring a wipe and forget the underwear.

Robert, 37 robert

What flowers can I give someone that will get me laid?
Something with a little bit of scent to titillate the senses, and something that’s more than what you really want to pay for so they’ll go, “Wow! You bought these for me?” Something like freesias, or roses if there’s lots and lots of them. Not a cactus, though. Nothing says “I want to bone you” less than a big, prickly cactus.

What type of flowers should I buy for a man?
Something long-lasting that they don’t have to do a lot with, like an anthurium with beautiful tropical greens. Just keep it simple and guys love getting flowers. More so than they ever let on.

Where can I go to meet other gardening nuts?
Go to a really expensive landscaping spot or nursery and just hang out. Wear very short shorts with your ass hanging out, just like the grocery store back in the ’80s. You could meet rich, hot guys there. Tons of hot guys work at nurseries. Play stupid — ask lots of dumb questions.

How can I incorporate flowers into sex?
There are lots you can eat. The best and most colorful ones are nasturtiums; you can eat those. But I wouldn’t recommend putting them into any orifices. Most flowers are bad for that. They’re bred to look perfect, so there’s lots of formaldehyde in them to keep them looking that way.

My boyfriend’s parents are rude to me for no good reason. It makes me angry with my boyfriend. Is this fair? And how do I deal with these parents?
Why skirt around the issue? Just come right out and say, ” I feel that you are rude to me and I want to know why.” Don’t get angry at the boyfriend. That’s so high school. Grow up. He’s not being mean to you. Deal with the parents directly.

My boyfriend has never bought me many gifts. Suddenly, he’s giving me flowers all the time. Should I be suspicious?
Yes. He’s probably boning a florist and getting a deal.
 

Interviews by Lisa von Sturmer. Sex Advice From… appears on Thursdays. Have questions for the general public? Send them to sexadvicefrom@nerve.com.

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