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Sex Advice From . . . Former Catholic School Students

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Meghan, 24

Should I tell my current partner about my wild past?
No, you most certainly should not. This one works like trickle down economics, you slowly reveal things over a long period of time. It’s elementary. After a guy knows that that shit is his, then he won’t stress knowing that you were number 2,398 on Gene Simmons’ hit list and once went down on a midget.

How do you warm up your partner when they’re not in the mood?
If we are talking about boys, it is very rare that they aren’t in the mood. Try the schoolgirl uniform. If that doesn’t work, don’t underestimate the power of suggestion. Don’t be afraid to reach your hands down his pants.

Do open relationships ever work?

Good lord, no. It demotes you to fuck buddies, which is more convenient, but less noble. If you’re going to try this, unless you are practiced swingers, get ready for a mental fuck.

Etiquette for MMFF group sex?
Etiquette for groups include: 1. Never learn any of the other participants’ names. 2. Protection, protection, protection! 3. Don’t be selfish. Involve every person or you won’t be lucky enough to be in this situation again. 4. It never hurts to tape it!

What words should never be used when referring to genitalia?
There are several horrible words used to refer to the female genitalia: snatch, cooze, cunt. For male genitalia, the names usually sound like potential extras on the Dukes of Hazard, and that’s fucking superb. Dick, cock, and yang are much more noble sounding than their female counterparts.

Rumor is, former Catholic school students are a sexed-up lot. What’s with the myth?
Catholic school students are sexually repressed during their formative years, so when they get out into the real world they tend to think they are in a constant porno. They think porn’s filmed without the participants’ knowledge, and they want to star in as many as possible.

What can I do to get over any reservations about rear entry?
It’s not a bad idea to have some Anal-Eze™ on hand just to be prepared. That stuff is a magical potion. It will make you feel like a trained adult professional. Not that I’ve tried it or anything.

Is the missionary position underrated?

It’s not that it’s underrated; it’s more that it’s not for close loving relationships. It’s good for short term relationships that are mostly physical. It’s a domination thing.

I’ve heard that Catholic girls give excellent head. Fact or fiction? Any oral tips?
It could be that we’re just good on our knees. Do I owe it to my Catholic School roots? I think I just owe it to Phoebe Cates in Fast Times at Ridgemont High. My only tip is to make it look like it tastes like the most decadent fucking chocolate devil’s food cake dripping with creamy vanilla ice cream you’ve ever had the privilege to taste, and pretend that having it go down your throat isn’t painful. In fact, the deeper it goes, the harder you should moan, because it counteracts the gagging reflex.

What’s the most valuable sexual lesson you learned in Catholic school?
To disregard just about everything I learned about sex in Catholic school. I guess the most valuable is that most devout Catholics have eight to twelve children and can barely afford toothpaste for their small alcoholic armies.

Stephen, 24

I’m interested in investigating hot role play scenarios for beginners. Has the Catholic school uniform worked for you?
Indeed, once I was sleeping in the English room during lunch. This girl I had a crush on found me all alone. I woke up and saw her standing there wearing a short plaid shirt and white knee-high leggings. She wanted me to come outside and play frisbee but I had a better idea. We had crazy sex right there in the classroom. The school girl uniform is still my favorite.

Should I tell my current partner about my wild past? Do you believe in 100% honesty in relationships?
Absolutely no way. The past is of no concern for a future relationship. Would you tell your new boss about how you used to steal from your old job or how you used to sleep on the clock? All your current partner needs to know is who you are now and how much you care for them.

Do open relationships ever work?
Well it depends what your definition of “work” is. Yes, sexually they can work for quite a long time as long as you have a solid understanding of the situation. You might have to hear a story about her riding another guy for six hours. You then can decide to let it get to you or not. Will this same girl take your kids to Sunday school one day? Let’s hope not.

When my partner asks how many people I’ve slept with in the past, what’s a good number to give?
I say twelve because it is still sounds truthfully high but not so high they know you are going to burn in hell. They are not going to say, "Oh I am sorry my cut off was eighty-five and you said eighty-six. Have a good night."

What’s the sexiest thing someone can say in bed? The least sexy?
Any sort of verbal encouragement can go long way. Being told that you are the best or "that I have never had it like this before" is always my favorite. The least sexy is when they want to talk in the middle of sex or tell you some bad news. Now is not the time.

Etiquette for MMFF group sex? FFM? MMF?
If one of the guys is unable to perform during a MMFF, he has to go get drinks and let it become a FFM party. Both the girls should give one guy oral at the same time and then switch; double blowjobs are bonus points to get into heaven I heard.

Rumor is, former Catholic school students are a sexed-up lot. What’s with the myth?
It seems to be true, I spent most of school thinking about the girls I had fucked or wanted to fuck. There was a math class where I had been with five of the girls in it. I used to sit there and wonder if any of them knew about the other. I failed math that year.

What can I do to get over my reservations about rear entry?
Get drunk and just do it. Lie on your back and let the girl go at her own pace. It will take a long time to even really start and it won’t be fast like in the porno movies. I never knew a girl could have an orgasm like that till I saw it happen. It was very hot, so hot that it made me come simultaneously. It felt so much different, its funny how much less taboo anal sex has become. I never thought girls would actually be asking for it.

As far as you’re concerned, what’s a mortal sin in the bedroom?
The excessive use of teeth during oral sex. Nothing is worse that teeth scrapping up and down on your most beloved for lord knows how long. Most of the time I just think it will get better and it never does. I remember the first time it happened to me. It was Easter vacation and met a girl at our hotel. I was so drunk at the time it felt great, the next day I could not walk. I am pretty sure she was Freddy Krueger.

I’ve met someone with strong religious convictions and I’m worried that these convictions may follow us into bed. Should I be concerned or just play it by ear?
There was a long time where I wanted to become a priest. I had already had tons of sex and done all the partying there was to do so I thought that a life of service might be more fulfilling. My parents sent me to a Catholic University in Los Angeles. I soon found out religious convictions are null and void after dark in L.A.. I would give them a chance.

Liz, 24

I’m interested in investigating roleplay scenarios. Has the Catholic school uniform worked for you?
I burned my plaid skirt shortly after my eighth-grade graduation.

What’s the best way to suggest introducing a third partner into a new relationship?
"It worked for the Father, Son and Holy Ghost."

Do open relationships ever work?

They work when both people are getting an equal amount of outside-the-relationship ass.

When my partner asks how many people I’ve slept with in the past what’s a good number to give?
The correct number!

What words should never be used when referring to male genitalia? Female Genitalia?
Usually any name that the penis’ owner has given it. For female genitalia, I hate pussy and prefer the oft-reviled c-word.

Rumor is, former Catholic school students are a sexed-up lot. What’s with the myth?
I think it is precisely that — a myth. Former Catholic students aren’t any more sexed up than the general population.

What’s a mortal sin in the bedroom?
Unsolicited attempts at rear entry.

It’s totally annoying to have to pick pubes out of my teeth after sex. Any tips for pubic hair maintenance? What would be most pleasing from my partner’s perspective?
I’ve recently decided that I am anti the hairless trend. It’s not natural. I think people should aim for somewhere between abundant winter bush and baby smooth. Keep it short, keep it sexy. We can’t all be porn stars.

I’ve heard that Catholic girls give excellent head. Any oral tips?
I’ve never gotten head from a Catholic girl.

I met someone and had great, wild sex with them. How long should I wait to call this special person?
Wait until they call you. Or until you get very drunk and temporarily say “fuck it” to the game.

I’ve met someone with strong religious convictions and I’m worried that these convictions may follow us into bed. Should I be concerned or just play it by ear?
Be concerned. If the believer ends up doing something they regret later, they’ll probably blame you for their moral transgression.

I’m all about ritual — candles, Enigma playing in the background, vanilla incense on occasion. Does any of this really matter if the sex is topnotch?
Not at all. If you’re focused on tradition, you might lose sight of why you’re there and what you’re doing in the first place, something the Catholic Church can relate to.

What’s the most valuable sexual lesson you learned in Catholic school?
Nothing I’ve ever learned about sex that could be considered valuable can be attributed to my Catholic education. I credit a viewing of “Like A Prayer” on MTV as my sexual awakening.

My partner watches porn more times a week than we create a little porn ourselves. I’ve said something but they get defensive.
Either learn to like it as much as they do or get out. Nothing can come between some people and their pornography.
 

Interviews by Matt Hickman. Sex Advice From… appears on Thursdays. Have questions for the general public? Send them to sexadvicefrom@nerve.com.


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