Advice

Sex Advice from Gay Dads

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In honor of Gay Pride Week, we tracked down some unconventional families.

Joe, 45, father of two

What's the best way to pick up a guy who has a kid? 
I don’t think you pick up a guy with kids. I think you pick up a guy who happens to have kids. Most single gay dads wouldn’t invite another person into his kids’ life until things are serious. 

What if you see a hot dad at the park with his kid?
You can ask questions about the kid — how old he or she is, what parks they like to go to — talk about your kids if you have them, etc. The dad’s going to think you’re either interested in him…. or that you’re a kidnapper.

I lost my job and had to move back in with my parents. Do you have any tips for handling the awkwardness of sex and dating under my parents' roof?
Parents — even the open parents — don’t really want you to have sex in their house. My partner and I still don’t sleep in the same bed at my mother’s house. And we’ve been together fifteen years. And yes, we do still have sex sometimes.

I don’t feel so bad about my situation then. Since I’m single and childless, my parents just assume I don’t have sex.
Let them keep living the dream.

Is it ever okay to fake an orgasm?
Sure. If you’re not turned on or you’ve got to get out of the situation, just fake it. Sometimes it’s not the right time for sex, but you don’t realize it until you get into it. But I’d like to go on record: I’ve never faked it.

My girlfriend isn't out to her parents, so we have to hide our relationship. I love her, but I know we won't grow as a couple if we can't both be open about who we are. What should I do?
Everyone comes out in their own time and has a different comfort level. If you really love her, you’ll support her and maybe help her come out. A lot of people don’t come out to their families, because they’re not in a relationship. Then when they get in one, everyone rushes them to come out. Don’t rush. Support your partner and whatever decision is best at the time. If it doesn’t feel healthy for you to be with her in a closeted relationship, then you can decide what’s best for you. You can stay or leave the relationship.

I'm dating this girl who's an amazing lover, but a horrible kisser. How can I give her some remedial kissing lessons without making her feel bad?
It’s such a sensitive issue. When I met my partner, he had adult braces, and I remember freaking out about what we couldn’t do because of them. I think you can give pointers like, “Can you be more gentle? I really like when you kiss me like this…” The other person is supposed to be making you feel good. 

Does kissing even matter if the sex is good?
Kissing’s the first part of foreplay. You can’t always just have sex.

I got drunk and hooked up with one of my closest friends. I don't know if he remembers it, and it meant nothing to me. Do we have to talk about it? 
You don’t have to talk about it. But if you notice it’s become an issue and it’s changed your relationship, you should. There’s a reason you hooked up. You can’t blame it on the alcohol, because sometimes being drunk just makes you truer to who you are. There might be a desire there. You can say, “I had a nice time, but we shouldn’t do that again. How do you feel?”

My boyfriend left me when he found out I was cheating. I don't blame him, but there's a problem: all my sex toys are at his place. What's the protocol? Can I ask for them back?
No. Cheaters never win. Don’t cheat and leave your toys at your partner’s place.

Really?
Are you going use your toys with your new partner? You don’t give your new puppy your dead puppy’s toys, right? It’s time for some new ones. He probably threw them out already, anyway.

Terrance, 42, father of one

Why is fatherhood sexy?
This word is overused, but I think it’s the swag. It’s the confidence, maturity, and years of wisdom dads have. When you see a man pushing a stroller, you know he’s family-oriented. He’s stable and responsible. Men with strollers are hot.

My new boyfriend spends a lot of time with his ex. He says he's over her and now they're just friends. How can I keep an eye on them without being the jealous girlfriend?
Sounds like you’re already the jealous girlfriend. And they’re not just friends. No man is just friends with his ex. No man is just friends with any woman. He’s leaving a door open for a reason.

Something’s up?
Or something will be up!

I lost my job and had to move back in with my parents. Do you have any tips for handling the awkwardness of sex and dating under my parents' roof?
Get a hotel room. 

What if you can’t afford it?
Oh no. Move out. Get your own place or date someone with his or her own place. Having sex at your parents’ place is inconvenient and just nasty. What if your parents walk in on you? That’s as bad as you walking in on them.

Is it ever okay to fake an orgasm?
Yes.

When?
When you’re not attracted to someone and you’re thinking, “Oh my God. What am I doing in bed with this person?” Just say, “Oh yeah, oh yeah, okay. I’m done." Then say you have to go to work.

My girlfriend isn't out to her parents, so we have to hide our relationship. I love her, but I know we won't grow as a couple if we can't both be open about who we are. What should I do?
I’d end the relationship. It doesn’t work for one person to be out and one to be in the closet. You’ll always be hiding. Everything becomes a secret, and it’s a formula for disaster. It’s selfish of someone who’s in the closet to expect his or her out partner to hide.

My boyfriend left me when he found out I was cheating. I don't blame him, but there's a problem: all my sex toys are at his place. What's the protocol? Can I ask for them back?
Yeah, they’re yours. He can’t hold them hostage. What’s he going do with them? When any relationship ends, you get your stuff back. Email the boyfriend and offer to pay the postage.

My boyfriend and I want to have a kid. I think, given how many kids don't have homes, that it makes sense to adopt, but he says he wants our kid to be one of ours, genetically. Only one of us could be the donor, and then I worry one of us would feel less close, or left out. What should we do? 
A child is forever. I think first you have to ask yourself, “Do I see myself in a relationship with my partner forever?” I think some gay men think of kids as cute accessories, but you have to be really mindful of this commitment. I do think that the genetic parent does have a special bond with a child that the other partner wouldn’t. If you want a child, I’d suggest adoption and maybe even starting with a foster child to see if you’re ready to take on this responsibility.

Check out Terrance's website here.  

Bill, 47, father of five
www.living-authentically.com

You have five kids?
Between my partner and me, yes. I have two; he has three. We’re the Gaydy Bunch.

Why are dads sexy?
Gay fathers have had to take care of someone other than themselves. We’re sensitive and caring in the bedroom. We let our partner come first. 

Literally or figuratively? 
Figuratively.

What's the best way to pick up a guy who has a kid? 
Compliment the child. Tell him how pretty the baby is, no matter how ugly it is. Or go online. I’ve been to gay-father support groups, but they’re mostly sad. And if you go to a bar, you get the drunk dads. I found my husband online.

My boyfriend and I want to have a kid. I think, given how many kids don't have homes, that it makes sense to adopt, but he says he wants our kid to be one of ours, genetically. Only one of us could be the donor, and then I worry one of us would feel less close, or left out. What should we do? 
No matter what, you’re going to love the baby. I have a blended family, and I love my partner’s children like they’re my own. You can mix the sperm together and then use it to inseminate the surrogate so you won’t know who’s the biological father. Or you can adopt. Maybe pursue both avenues and see which one pans out first. 

What's your best piece of fatherly relationship advice?
There’s no such thing as safe sex. There’s only safer sex.

I lost my job and had to move back in with my parents. Do you have any tips for handling the awkwardness of sex and dating under my parents' roof?
Don’t do it under your parents’ roof. If you do, make sure you’re quiet. But seriously, go somewhere else. Do it in a car or anywhere else. Your parents don’t want to know about your sex life.

Is it ever okay to fake an orgasm?
It’s difficult for a guy to fake that. For a woman, I’m on the fence. Once you do it, when do you stop? So I’d say no. You have to be honest with yourself and your partner.

The other gay dads I’ve spoken to think it’s okay to fake it, if you’re having sex and looking for an out.
When you have to escape, there’s something wrong with that situation. You shouldn’t worry about the other person’s feelings. Just say, “You know what? I’m done.”

My girlfriend isn't out to her parents, so we have to hide our relationship. I love her, but I know we won't grow as a couple if we can't both be open about who we are. What should I do?
I don’t think a relationship between someone who’s out and someone who’s closeted can work. You can’t deny the existence of somebody you love. The person who’s out plays second fiddle. That doesn’t work in a long-term relationship.

I got drunk and hooked up with one of my closest friends. I don't know if he remembers it, and it meant nothing to me. Do we have to talk about it? 
Yes. If you don’t talk, it’ll fester and become toxic. Bring it up. You may have ruined your friendship, but maybe not. See if you can move on. If one person is in a relationship, you have to tell the partner.

My boyfriend left me when he found out I was cheating. I don't blame him, but there's a problem: all my sex toys are at his place. What's the protocol? Can I ask for them back?
If I were the boyfriend, I’d do something to those sex toys. And my ex wouldn’t want them back.