Sex Advice from Gay Dads

In honor of Gay Pride Week, we tracked down some unconventional families.

By Amanda Green

Joe, 45, father of two

What's the best way to pick up a guy who has a kid? 
I don’t think you pick up a guy with kids. I think you pick up a guy who happens to have kids. Most single gay dads wouldn’t invite another person into his kids’ life until things are serious. 

What if you see a hot dad at the park with his kid?
You can ask questions about the kid — how old he or she is, what parks they like to go to — talk about your kids if you have them, etc. The dad’s going to think you’re either interested in him…. or that you’re a kidnapper.

I lost my job and had to move back in with my parents. Do you have any tips for handling the awkwardness of sex and dating under my parents' roof?
Parents — even the open parents — don’t really want you to have sex in their house. My partner and I still don’t sleep in the same bed at my mother’s house. And we’ve been together fifteen years. And yes, we do still have sex sometimes.

I don’t feel so bad about my situation then. Since I’m single and childless, my parents just assume I don’t have sex.
Let them keep living the dream.

Is it ever okay to fake an orgasm?
Sure. If you’re not turned on or you’ve got to get out of the situation, just fake it. Sometimes it’s not the right time for sex, but you don’t realize it until you get into it. But I’d like to go on record: I’ve never faked it.

My girlfriend isn't out to her parents, so we have to hide our relationship. I love her, but I know we won't grow as a couple if we can't both be open about who we are. What should I do?
Everyone comes out in their own time and has a different comfort level. If you really love her, you’ll support her and maybe help her come out. A lot of people don’t come out to their families, because they’re not in a relationship. Then when they get in one, everyone rushes them to come out. Don’t rush. Support your partner and whatever decision is best at the time. If it doesn’t feel healthy for you to be with her in a closeted relationship, then you can decide what’s best for you. You can stay or leave the relationship.

I'm dating this girl who's an amazing lover, but a horrible kisser. How can I give her some remedial kissing lessons without making her feel bad?
It’s such a sensitive issue. When I met my partner, he had adult braces, and I remember freaking out about what we couldn’t do because of them. I think you can give pointers like, “Can you be more gentle? I really like when you kiss me like this…” The other person is supposed to be making you feel good. 

Does kissing even matter if the sex is good?
Kissing’s the first part of foreplay. You can’t always just have sex.

I got drunk and hooked up with one of my closest friends. I don't know if he remembers it, and it meant nothing to me. Do we have to talk about it? 
You don’t have to talk about it. But if you notice it’s become an issue and it’s changed your relationship, you should. There’s a reason you hooked up. You can’t blame it on the alcohol, because sometimes being drunk just makes you truer to who you are. There might be a desire there. You can say, “I had a nice time, but we shouldn’t do that again. How do you feel?”

My boyfriend left me when he found out I was cheating. I don't blame him, but there's a problem: all my sex toys are at his place. What's the protocol? Can I ask for them back?
No. Cheaters never win. Don’t cheat and leave your toys at your partner’s place.

Are you going use your toys with your new partner? You don’t give your new puppy your dead puppy’s toys, right? It’s time for some new ones. He probably threw them out already, anyway.

Commentarium (39 Comments)

Jun 14 11 - 12:14am

Sex toys easily reach into the hundreds of dollars. Changing them up for each relationship is just silly.

Jun 14 11 - 12:41pm

Sure. Fancy sex toys do. But not your typical vibrator. I've lost one after a breakup. No big deal.

Jun 14 11 - 1:23pm

Plus you can say "You know that dildo I left at your place? Well now you can just take it and go fuck yourself!"

Jun 14 11 - 4:35pm

Buy new toys and move on. Next time don't leave them anywhere.

Jun 14 11 - 12:19am

"I do think that the genetic parent does have a special bond with a child that the other partner wouldn’t."
As the daughter of lesbian parents (related to one, not the other) I can say that, at least for me, this is false almost to the point of being offensive.

Jun 14 11 - 12:26am

He was also a little annoying giving the extra kudos to the "men with strollers." It's not hot; it's just what parents do, get over it.

Jun 14 11 - 8:43am
Grady LaLa

You are so offended by someone else's opinion? Wow, you really were raised by lesbians.

Jun 14 11 - 9:00am

You stole my line Grady

Jun 14 11 - 12:41pm

I hear what you're saying, but for me the gold medal went to - "If you want a child, I’d suggest adoption and maybe even starting with a foster child to see if you’re ready to take on this responsibility."

Foster kids. The best way to test drive parenthood.

Jun 14 11 - 3:29pm

"Foster kids are for experimentation and if you don't like them, give them away." So wrong.

(@ Dearest- I wasn't raised by lesbians, but oh I so wish that wasn't the case.)

Jun 15 11 - 12:58am

@Grady: I wasn't offended, I was almost offended. Though if I was the person responsible for your reading comp education, I would be a little offended right now.

@guest: That was also pretty bad, the other line just struck a particular chord with me.

@AT: They're just parents.

Jun 15 11 - 7:34am
Grady LaLa

@Dearest: I guess you are "almost disingenuous" as well.

Jun 15 11 - 5:29pm

"@ Dearest- I wasn't raised by lesbians, but oh I so wish that wasn't the case."
HAHAHAHAHA ohhhhh thanks for the free LOL. You're just this amazing, pathetic cartoon -- it's as if you were hired by cultural conservatives to embody their fantasy-stereotype of what feminists are like.

Jun 15 11 - 7:04pm

You're welcome. Methinks you need to read more feminism. Or more "cultural conservatism," whatever that is.

Jun 16 11 - 1:15pm

"In the United States, the term cultural conservative has increasingly been used as a replacement for the terms Christian right or religious right." I got that from using the "I wish I'd been raised by lesbians" version of Google. It's like the regular version, but it comes with an extra chip on its shoulder, and an undeserved sense of victimhood and self-righteousness. I bet you'd like it, but better act fast - they'll be removing it soon because oddly enough, they don't feel like it makes any meaningful contribution to the world or to the Internet.

Jun 17 11 - 10:06pm

Whatever, I still like lesbians better. Whatcha going to do about it?

If you want to self-educate on feminism (beyond youtube), I recommend reading the works of Catharine MacKinnon and those of Sheila Jeffreys.

Jun 22 11 - 6:12pm

@AT- Your last post was brilliant. The whole google thing; GOLD.

Jun 14 11 - 12:39pm

I love how Nerve refers to them as unconventional families. Whose side are you on, Nerve?

Jun 14 11 - 12:48pm

sadly, I think "unconvetional" is a perfectly accurate word, given the percentage of our country who actively opposes gay marriage, gay couples having children, etc.

Jun 14 11 - 1:04pm

I understand that, but Nerve has always maintained that these families are the norm and are now more mainstream. It just strikes me as strange that Nerve would use that term. It comes off as a backpedal.

Jun 14 11 - 3:05pm
gay mommy

Since when has Nerve maintained that gay families are the norm? We're not, and that's okay.

Jun 14 11 - 4:56pm

When haven't they maintained that everything about the gay lifestyle was the norm?

Jun 14 11 - 7:04pm
The Gay Agenda

This may be difficult for you to comprehend, but do us a favor, and try really hard:

Nerve has maintained that nothing - or not much - about the gay "lifestyle" is wrong (or weird, or perverted, or sick). They never claimed, to my knowledge, that everybody should be gay and that gay is or should be the norm.

Just that lesbians and gay men deserve to be treated with respect and have the same rights as the straights. Capisci?

Jun 14 11 - 11:12pm

When a site such as Nerve maintains, as it does, that the "lifestyle" is normal and should be widely accepted, then that usually becomes part of the lexicon of what is "the norm". I never said that Nerve claimed that everyone should be gay. E si, ho capito molto, cazzo. Magari che tu potessi leggere che cosa ho scritto io.

Jun 15 11 - 2:29am

what are you arguing about this time huh?

Jun 15 11 - 12:39pm

I made what I feel is a valid comment and "The Gay Agenda" has a stick up their ass. So it was the condescending "Capisci?" that I took umbrage with.

Jul 06 11 - 10:20am

Alright, huh, I'll do my best. Lots of families are perfectly functional and accepted by mainstream society, but their composition doesn't reflect the composition of the majority of families. Such families might include: interracial couples, parents far apart in age, gay and lesbian parents, and divorced and remarried parents (blended families). None of these families make up the majority of families, but they're hardly weird. They're "normal" in the sense of "natural and socially acceptable," but not "normal" (aka "unconventional") in the sense that they make up a smaller proportion of families than do opposite-sex, racially-similar, no-previous-marriage couples.

Apr 18 12 - 8:06am
Chris H

Since when is being unconventional mutually exclusive with being normal?

Especially since there are several meanings are associated with the common usage of the word "normal" (ie (1) conformance to an average, (2) socially acceptable or (3) good and wholesome, etc).

IMHO, has in most part maintains a portrayal of unconventional sexuality/gender/ethnicity as socially acceptable and can certainly be good and wholesome, but never had it claimed that it conformed to what the majority practices.

Jun 14 11 - 4:41pm

I need to know, is it really that strange to be friends with a woman and not expect any sexual favors in return in the future? I am straight and have multiple female friends who I could never imagine dating(the feeling is mutual) and most people give me flack for it. I know this question has been asked a million times and probably has been officially covered in Nerve, but I was wondering what the community thinks of it.

Jun 15 11 - 11:53pm

Thank you! I was thinking the same thing when I read his statement. One of my very best friends is a guy (and we're not attracted to each other) and my boyfriend has several female friends. I think that it shows that you and your partner are capable of hanging out with people without having a creepy goal.

Aug 02 11 - 5:39pm

My bestest friend in the whole wide world is a guy and we would never date. Ever. It's just the stupid misconception that men and women can't be friends, which is not true.

Jun 15 11 - 10:01am

Where did these questions come from? Absolutely terrible. I wish Nerve to more time with this one. It seems like it was just thrown together piecemeal like. Crap.

Jun 15 11 - 11:15am

I liked these questions. The sex toy one was hilarious. I'm liking the conversation format for Sex Advice.

Jun 17 11 - 1:09pm

Love all of Bill's answers. Not even necessarily the content so much as the fact that they seem very calm and rational. Perfect for a dad of five.

Jun 29 11 - 10:25pm

Now I feel bad because I let my new kitty play with my dead kitty's toys.

Jul 22 11 - 3:25am

And I was just wonerding about that too!

Jul 23 11 - 2:03pm

Hey, klielr job on that one you guys!

Sep 07 11 - 7:21am
Cialis Rezeptfrei

HE0lgl Excellent! Got a real pleasure!!!

Aug 29 12 - 6:55pm

It IS possible to be friends with the opposite gender, and anyone who can't do it needs to grow up. It is even possible to be friends with an ex, but admittedly not easy. I know. My best friend is my ex, but it took us three years to get here--with no fooling around, and lots of fun in each other's presence. And yeah, it will probably take ANOTHER three years for my girlfriend to learn that she can trust us. But I never give up my friends for my lovers, OR vice versa.