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June 14, 2011
Bill, 47, father of five
www.living-authentically.com
You have five kids?
Between my partner and me, yes. I have two; he has three. We’re the Gaydy Bunch.
Why are dads sexy?
Gay fathers have had to take care of someone other than themselves. We’re sensitive and caring in the bedroom. We let our partner come first.
Literally or figuratively?
Figuratively.
What's the best way to pick up a guy who has a kid?
Compliment the child. Tell him how pretty the baby is, no matter how ugly it is. Or go online. I’ve been to gay-father support groups, but they’re mostly sad. And if you go to a bar, you get the drunk dads. I found my husband online.
My boyfriend and I want to have a kid. I think, given how many kids don't have homes, that it makes sense to adopt, but he says he wants our kid to be one of ours, genetically. Only one of us could be the donor, and then I worry one of us would feel less close, or left out. What should we do?
No matter what, you’re going to love the baby. I have a blended family, and I love my partner’s children like they’re my own. You can mix the sperm together and then use it to inseminate the surrogate so you won’t know who’s the biological father. Or you can adopt. Maybe pursue both avenues and see which one pans out first.
What's your best piece of fatherly relationship advice?
There’s no such thing as safe sex. There’s only safer sex.
I lost my job and had to move back in with my parents. Do you have any tips for handling the awkwardness of sex and dating under my parents' roof?
Don’t do it under your parents’ roof. If you do, make sure you’re quiet. But seriously, go somewhere else. Do it in a car or anywhere else. Your parents don’t want to know about your sex life.
Is it ever okay to fake an orgasm?
It’s difficult for a guy to fake that. For a woman, I’m on the fence. Once you do it, when do you stop? So I’d say no. You have to be honest with yourself and your partner.
The other gay dads I’ve spoken to think it’s okay to fake it, if you’re having sex and looking for an out.
When you have to escape, there’s something wrong with that situation. You shouldn’t worry about the other person’s feelings. Just say, “You know what? I’m done.”
My girlfriend isn't out to her parents, so we have to hide our relationship. I love her, but I know we won't grow as a couple if we can't both be open about who we are. What should I do?
I don’t think a relationship between someone who’s out and someone who’s closeted can work. You can’t deny the existence of somebody you love. The person who’s out plays second fiddle. That doesn’t work in a long-term relationship.
I got drunk and hooked up with one of my closest friends. I don't know if he remembers it, and it meant nothing to me. Do we have to talk about it?
Yes. If you don’t talk, it’ll fester and become toxic. Bring it up. You may have ruined your friendship, but maybe not. See if you can move on. If one person is in a relationship, you have to tell the partner.
My boyfriend left me when he found out I was cheating. I don't blame him, but there's a problem: all my sex toys are at his place. What's the protocol? Can I ask for them back?
If I were the boyfriend, I’d do something to those sex toys. And my ex wouldn’t want them back.
Commentarium (39 Comments)
Sex toys easily reach into the hundreds of dollars. Changing them up for each relationship is just silly.
Sure. Fancy sex toys do. But not your typical vibrator. I've lost one after a breakup. No big deal.
Plus you can say "You know that dildo I left at your place? Well now you can just take it and go fuck yourself!"
Buy new toys and move on. Next time don't leave them anywhere.
"I do think that the genetic parent does have a special bond with a child that the other partner wouldn’t."
As the daughter of lesbian parents (related to one, not the other) I can say that, at least for me, this is false almost to the point of being offensive.
He was also a little annoying giving the extra kudos to the "men with strollers." It's not hot; it's just what parents do, get over it.
You are so offended by someone else's opinion? Wow, you really were raised by lesbians.
You stole my line Grady
I hear what you're saying, but for me the gold medal went to - "If you want a child, I’d suggest adoption and maybe even starting with a foster child to see if you’re ready to take on this responsibility."
Foster kids. The best way to test drive parenthood.
"Foster kids are for experimentation and if you don't like them, give them away." So wrong.
(@ Dearest- I wasn't raised by lesbians, but oh I so wish that wasn't the case.)
@Grady: I wasn't offended, I was almost offended. Though if I was the person responsible for your reading comp education, I would be a little offended right now.
@guest: That was also pretty bad, the other line just struck a particular chord with me.
@AT: They're just parents.
@Dearest: I guess you are "almost disingenuous" as well.
"@ Dearest- I wasn't raised by lesbians, but oh I so wish that wasn't the case."
HAHAHAHAHA ohhhhh thanks for the free LOL. You're just this amazing, pathetic cartoon -- it's as if you were hired by cultural conservatives to embody their fantasy-stereotype of what feminists are like.
You're welcome. Methinks you need to read more feminism. Or more "cultural conservatism," whatever that is.
"In the United States, the term cultural conservative has increasingly been used as a replacement for the terms Christian right or religious right." I got that from using the "I wish I'd been raised by lesbians" version of Google. It's like the regular version, but it comes with an extra chip on its shoulder, and an undeserved sense of victimhood and self-righteousness. I bet you'd like it, but better act fast - they'll be removing it soon because oddly enough, they don't feel like it makes any meaningful contribution to the world or to the Internet.
Whatever, I still like lesbians better. Whatcha going to do about it?
If you want to self-educate on feminism (beyond youtube), I recommend reading the works of Catharine MacKinnon and those of Sheila Jeffreys.
@AT- Your last post was brilliant. The whole google thing; GOLD.
I love how Nerve refers to them as unconventional families. Whose side are you on, Nerve?
sadly, I think "unconvetional" is a perfectly accurate word, given the percentage of our country who actively opposes gay marriage, gay couples having children, etc.
I understand that, but Nerve has always maintained that these families are the norm and are now more mainstream. It just strikes me as strange that Nerve would use that term. It comes off as a backpedal.
Since when has Nerve maintained that gay families are the norm? We're not, and that's okay.
When haven't they maintained that everything about the gay lifestyle was the norm?
This may be difficult for you to comprehend, but do us a favor, and try really hard:
Nerve has maintained that nothing - or not much - about the gay "lifestyle" is wrong (or weird, or perverted, or sick). They never claimed, to my knowledge, that everybody should be gay and that gay is or should be the norm.
Just that lesbians and gay men deserve to be treated with respect and have the same rights as the straights. Capisci?
When a site such as Nerve maintains, as it does, that the "lifestyle" is normal and should be widely accepted, then that usually becomes part of the lexicon of what is "the norm". I never said that Nerve claimed that everyone should be gay. E si, ho capito molto, cazzo. Magari che tu potessi leggere che cosa ho scritto io.
what are you arguing about this time huh?
I made what I feel is a valid comment and "The Gay Agenda" has a stick up their ass. So it was the condescending "Capisci?" that I took umbrage with.
Alright, huh, I'll do my best. Lots of families are perfectly functional and accepted by mainstream society, but their composition doesn't reflect the composition of the majority of families. Such families might include: interracial couples, parents far apart in age, gay and lesbian parents, and divorced and remarried parents (blended families). None of these families make up the majority of families, but they're hardly weird. They're "normal" in the sense of "natural and socially acceptable," but not "normal" (aka "unconventional") in the sense that they make up a smaller proportion of families than do opposite-sex, racially-similar, no-previous-marriage couples.
Since when is being unconventional mutually exclusive with being normal?
Especially since there are several meanings are associated with the common usage of the word "normal" (ie (1) conformance to an average, (2) socially acceptable or (3) good and wholesome, etc).
IMHO, nerve.com has in most part maintains a portrayal of unconventional sexuality/gender/ethnicity as socially acceptable and can certainly be good and wholesome, but never had it claimed that it conformed to what the majority practices.
I need to know, is it really that strange to be friends with a woman and not expect any sexual favors in return in the future? I am straight and have multiple female friends who I could never imagine dating(the feeling is mutual) and most people give me flack for it. I know this question has been asked a million times and probably has been officially covered in Nerve, but I was wondering what the community thinks of it.
Thank you! I was thinking the same thing when I read his statement. One of my very best friends is a guy (and we're not attracted to each other) and my boyfriend has several female friends. I think that it shows that you and your partner are capable of hanging out with people without having a creepy goal.
My bestest friend in the whole wide world is a guy and we would never date. Ever. It's just the stupid misconception that men and women can't be friends, which is not true.
Where did these questions come from? Absolutely terrible. I wish Nerve to more time with this one. It seems like it was just thrown together piecemeal like. Crap.
I liked these questions. The sex toy one was hilarious. I'm liking the conversation format for Sex Advice.
Love all of Bill's answers. Not even necessarily the content so much as the fact that they seem very calm and rational. Perfect for a dad of five.
Now I feel bad because I let my new kitty play with my dead kitty's toys.
And I was just wonerding about that too!
Hey, klielr job on that one you guys!
HE0lgl Excellent! Got a real pleasure!!!
It IS possible to be friends with the opposite gender, and anyone who can't do it needs to grow up. It is even possible to be friends with an ex, but admittedly not easy. I know. My best friend is my ex, but it took us three years to get here--with no fooling around, and lots of fun in each other's presence. And yeah, it will probably take ANOTHER three years for my girlfriend to learn that she can trust us. But I never give up my friends for my lovers, OR vice versa.