Advice

Sex Advice from Dirty-Talking Jewish Grandma Gigi (Better Known as David Krumholtz)

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The 'Numb3rs' actor plays the bubbie we all wish we had.

Weather From is a new comedy website that gives visitors accurate, up-to-date weather reports for their location read by a variety of funny characters. The website launches today with forecasts by Gigi, an 80-ish, profane Jewish grandmother played by actor David Krumholtz (Numb3rs, Serenity, 10 Things I Hate About You). He's nearly unrecognizable under makeup by Alterion, Inc., who did the makeup for Johnny Knoxville's Bad Grandpa. Krumholtz talked to Nerve in character as Gigi about Pussy Riot, her husband's farts, and why Jewish women are so sexy. She is not for the faint of heart. 

Listen, my navigation system is on right now because I’m driving to the beach to meet up with a friend. We’re gonna sun ourselves because it’s very nice down here in Boca today. So if you don’t mind, you’ll hear my navigation system talking to me. He’s got a sexy voice, but I’m not sure it’s as sexy as your voice, Liam. I like your voice. You have a very sexy voice. You’re lucky I don’t – where are you? What part of town? 

I’m in Brooklyn.
Oh my God, that’s where I grew up! I grew up in Flatbush. Now it’s all Russian, Flatbush. They have Mafias, and they make all kinds of pastries that no one can eat. Every time I eat Russian food I have to go right to the bathroom. I’m in the toilet for eight hours. 

Have you heard of the band Pussy Riot? 
Of course! That’s the band with the lesbians. Oh, sure, I know all about the current news. I follow up on everything. Anything with the word ‘pussy’ in it, I’m aware of. 

What do you think of a band using the word ‘pussy’ in their name? 
Oh, I have no problem. Let me tell you something, I’ve been fighting for the liberation of the word ‘pussy’ for many years. You know what I mean? I hate the word ‘vagina.’ Vagina’s not a good enough descriptor, you know what I mean? If my pants are riding up on me, my pants aren’t caught in my vagina, they’re caught in my pussy! And I tell people, “give me a second, hold on, let me adjust myself and pull my pants right out of my pussy.” So I’m a very big fan of that. I think [Pussy Riot's] music is awful, and you can’t even listen to it, but that’s beside the point, because they’re fighting for freedom and equality and expression and I’m very much for that. Believe me, I am. And they’re cute. They could grow their hair out. I’m not a fan of the bald woman look. That’s not for me. And I have a full head of hair. I have a bald spot, because I’m not as young as I used to be, but I have a nice full head of hair. When you touch it, it makes a crunch sound. But otherwise it’s very nice. 

What about pubic hair? 
If you want to get blue with me, we can talk about pubic hair all day long, sweetheart. I have none left. All my pubic hair has fallen out. I’m like a two-year-old down there. What I have to do is put that, what is that called, that ointment, like a salve, like a drawing paste, so that I don’t get rashes. I’m liable to get a rash! So, you know, I’m always rubbing things into my pubic region. I love a man with pubic hair. To me it never bothered me, because I like the feeling of fuzziness on my nose and around my mouth, so I never had a problem with pubic hair. I know some women would like a man to trim, but I say the hairier the better. The only thing I don’t like is hair on the balls. 

Mm-hm. Why is that? 
Well, because the hair on the balls, they’re not uniform. You can’t comb it, you understand? It’s scraggly, and one goes this way, the other goes that way, one’s curly, one’s straight, you know what I mean? It’s like it doesn’t know which way it wants to go. With pubic hair, you can run a nice comb through it, or you could even flatiron it and straighten it. But with ball hair, it’s very testy. And when it’s humid, it curls up, and you can’t do anything with it. That’s just from my experience, with my husband Harold. 

Right. I was going to ask how you knew so much about ball hair, but you’ve been married a long time, I imagine. 
Yes, I have. And it’s an open marriage. But Harold doesn’t know that. 

How long have you and Harold been married? 
We’ve been married for 43 years of pain, suffering, and gastrointestinal issues. This man is a farter. The last sound he’ll make in his life before he dies is a fart. He’ll go out with a fart. This man just farts all day long, and I’m used to it. At this point it’s like the buzzing of flies to me. I might as well have the radio on. It’s communicating, it’s telling me stories. I get all my current events from his farts. And they stink! But I’m also used to the smell. And I’ve gotta be honest with you, once you get used to it, it smells like roasted chicken. It’s kinda yummy. Do you have a girlfriend? 

I don’t. 
Do you have a boyfriend? 

I don’t, I’m single.  
Okay, that’s good. Are you a farter? Is that why you’re single? Do you make farts all day and every day? 

Sometimes. It depends on how much chicken I eat. 
You know what’s good for that, they say, is probiotics. That’s cultures. You know, yogurt’s culture. Take a little bit of that, and it makes it so you fart a little less. Your shit comes out blue, but you fart less. 

I am single right now, but when I date, I tend to be attracted to Jewish women. I’m not Jewish, but I like Jewish women. Do you have any theory as to why this might be?
All Jewish women are sick. They’re psychotic. And as a result, we're wild in the sack. We’ll suck a dick down to the fuckin’ flesh, you understand? You can torture a Jewish woman. You can put her in latex, you can tie her up in the closet for several days and give her nothing but dog food and water, and she’ll get off on that. We’re kinky! We’re freaks! And that’s why goyim love us. The goyim! Love! Us! You know, go for it, fuck every Jewish girl you can, trust me. 

Okay. 
Is this a little blue for you? I can hear you’re overwhelmed. 

No, no this is what I was hoping for. This is Sex Advice From… You do Weather From, we do Sex Advice From. 
This is like phone sex for you and I. Do you feel it?

Oh, I feel it. 
I’m gonna masturbate to the thought of you after the phone call. 

I have to get going. 
Okay, well, you can call me any time, if you need advice, if you wanna talk just about personal issues, if you can’t stop farting, I’m your lady. I have a lot of experience with farters, I told you that already. I hope to meet you, Liam! I’m sure your mother is very, very proud of you. 

Sometimes. I just have one last question. 
Ask away. 

Can you give us a forecast for Memorial Day? 
Yes I can. Right now, Memorial Day is supposed to be very pleasant, but there might be a sprinkle or two, light, like a drizzle. So in a circumstance like that, what you want to do is bring a parka, and just hold it with you. Or put it in a plastic shopping bag that you get from Key Food or Duane Reade, and walk around with the shopping bag and the parka, and the great thing is you can put the parka on your body and the shopping bag over your head so your hair doesn’t get wet. 

Oh, great. That’s a good plan. 
So that’s Memorial Day. Put a shopping bag on your head, alright? 

Alright! 
Don’t yell! Why are you yelling? 

I’m not yelling. I apologize. 
Okay, I’ll talk to you later. This was disturbing for me. I’m a little unsatisfied. I thought it would be a sexier interview. I feel like we didn’t talk enough about cock and ass. 

Well, we talked about farts a lot. Does that count for ass? 
I suppose. That was fun, wasn’t it? Oh, we have memories, you and I. Ha ha ha! Okay, let me go, I’ve had enough. You wore out your welcome, Liam. I hate to be a heartbreaker, but that’s my reputation, and I don’t mince words. I never have, and I never will. 

Image via Weather From.