Advice

Sex Advice From Girls With Underarm Hair

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Q: What's the sexiest thing about a girl who doesn't shave? A: Natural beauty.

A previous installment of this feature, Sex Advice From Yoga Teachers, featured a young lady with visible, unshaven underarms. We were amazed by the number of comments on her underarms — ranging from support and admiration to disgust.  So we decided to give women with unshaven underarms their own feature to tell us why they decided to forgo shaving and to dispense some sex advice of their own. Enjoy.

Dana, 27

What's the sexiest thing about a girl who doesn't shave?
Natural beauty. I'm not someone who spends a lot of time trying to tame and perfume. I don't like to take away from who I am.

What are your reasons for not shaving?
The first time I had a crush on someone who was the same gender as me, it was on a woman who didn't shave her legs. I was so fascinated by it; I couldn't put my finger on why, but eventually I followed suit and then came out. Not shaving became a signifier of being gay. I lived in a region where there was a particular look for a gay person. So I kind of stuck with it for a while. After few years I realized that I really liked shaving my legs, but I kept my armpit hair because, it turns out, it's quite badass armpit hair. It's just a personal choice.

What do you think that choice says about you? 
Some people shave their armpits and deodorize a lot. That takes away from one very sexual element: pheromones. For instance, I ride a bike. I shower and I take care of my hygiene, but I still ride a bike so I'm going to sweat. The pheromones are there. People will smell that. And I think that's how I'm going to know whom I'm most sexually compatible with. I don't like it when people's natural scent is completely suppressed. I mean, there's nothing sexy about someone with really bad body odor, but someone who is overly cologned and therefore can't attach himself or herself to their own body scent might not be the best sexual partner either. People don't smell like flowers and roses all the time.

My boyfriend has a higher sex drive than I do. He never pressures me into having sex when I don't want to, but on nights when we don't get busy he has taken to jerking off in bed with me while I'm falling asleep. I've never experienced this before; is it normal?
I think it's completely normal. If I'm in the mood, and my partner's not, or vice versa, then we're fine with watching the other masturbate. Sometimes, it even ends up turning the other one on and it might aid a little bit. But if it's happening to the point of disrupting your sleep patterns, then that's more of a problem. 

I'm a feminist but I've realized that I like being called a slut and whore while I'm having sex with my boyfriend. I feel personally conflicted about this. Am I being a bad feminist by engaging in these scenes or should I not think about it so much?
I think that we tend to work out issues from our outside lives in the bedroom. Maybe acting out a submissive role in bed is helping you clarify how you feel about it in life. Maybe it signifies that you want to be in control in your life, but that it's okay to let go of power sometimes. For me, that's what it is. In real life I don't want to be dominated or constrained; I would never let that happen. But if you're just playing this role in bed, then maybe that helps you explore that side of yourself.

Do open relationships ever work?
I'm in an open relationship, so I hope so! It's the most challenging kind of relationship — way more challenging than monogamy — if you're doing it the right way. You have to make sure you have enough time with yourself. If you spend a lot of time with one partner and then you're dating a few other people and working full time, then it's hard to have time for yourself. It's hard to have time for your friends. Many times what happens is one of those partners is getting slighted and not feeling like they're getting enough attention. In theory it seems like it would be really laid back, but it's not always all it's cracked up to be.

I got drunk and cheated on my fiancé back when we were first together. It's been years and I've never cheated again, but I've never told him. It's always in the back of my mind. Do I have a moral obligation to tell him before we get married?
No. I don't think so. It seems like you're really just trying to get it off your chest as opposed to helping him. Maybe wanting to bring it up is indicative of wanting to sabotage the relationship. It's been years, and it was one time, so I wouldn't tell him. If you tell him, then you might find that he's done similar things. But that's opening up a can of worms.

Sharon, 28

What’s the sexiest thing about dating a girl who doesn’t shave?
That’s hard to answer because everyone has his or her own opinion. And personally, I just don’t like shaving, but it’s not really a big deal to me whether people like it. So sometimes I will get waxed sometimes or sometimes I’ll be hairy. I’ve just never had a reason to care either way. I guess the sexiest thing is that it’s somebody who’s not that hung up on their own body. They don’t have to do all that maintenance to feel sexy.

So it sounds like your decision to not shave isn’t really political or some sort of statement for you, but it’s more just your own comfort.
I did start out not shaving as a political statement, but then I realized that just really don’t like shaving because I have really sensitive skin. Sometimes I do get waxed or wax myself; sometimes I just don’t want to be hairy because it’s hot or I want smooth skin. But sometimes it’s cold outside and I don’t feel like dealing with the maintenance of it. It’s never really mattered to me, or to any of my partners for that matter. It’s not really a big issue in my life. I just stopped shaving when I was seventeen.

Have you ever experienced any backlash due to not shaving?
I think I tend to isolate myself in a community of artists and like-minded people. But, I have had people say stuff. One time traveling with my mother, I finally gave in and just shaved my hair because it was past the point where I wanted to fight about it. I used to be a bit more feisty about it. But I’m kind of at the point where I don’t feel like I need to fight about it because it’s my body and it doesn’t really matter to me whether people like whether I have hair or not.

My boyfriend has a higher sex drive than I do. He never pressures me into having sex when I don't want to, but on nights when we don't get busy he has taken to jerking off in bed with me while I'm falling asleep. I've never experienced this before; is it normal?
I have no idea what normal actually is. But it definitely isn’t a situation unique to your boyfriend. There are many other men who have been like that. I think it’s fine, unless it’s bothering you. If you’re uncomfortable with him masturbating next to you before he goes to sleep then you should tell him that. But if it’s just something that he’s doing so that he’s not bugging you all the time then I think it’s fine.

My girlfriend and I have been together for a long time. As things have progressed she's given up on many of her beauty routines. She doesn't shower as often, never wears makeup, and barely ever shaves her legs. I've gently brought things up in the past, but I'm afraid nothing short of, "You're not turning me on anymore" is going to get through to her. Am I an asshole for wanting her to be properly groomed?
It's common for people to get so comfortable in a relationship that they stop making effort in their sex life. It's perfectly valid for you to be upset if your partner is no longer putting effort into your romantic life. Are you sure it’s her body hair that is bothering you? Maybe her body hair is symbolic of the lack of effort that is being put into your love life together. You two should have a heart to heart and find ways to re-ignite that old flame. I suspect once you've done that, the body hair or lack thereof will become a non-issue.

I'm a man and recently began dating a really awesome girl. We were having a lot of fun with each other, but last week she chopped off all her hair. I'm talking extremely short. Honestly, I'm just not sexually attracted to her anymore. Should I just break it off?
You’re an idiot. If you really aren’t attracted to her anymore because she has short hair then she’s probably better off dating someone else. That’s ridiculous. But if you’re not attracted to someone, then you’re not attracted to them. If you just started dating then it’s not that big of a deal. Get out now before she cuts her hair again or changes the style of pants that she wears or something else unacceptable to you.

I got drunk and cheated on my fiancé back when we were first together. It's been years and I've had never cheated again, but I've never told him. It's always in the back of my mind. Do I have a moral obligation to tell him before we get married?
Well, if you know you’re never going to do it again, then I wouldn’t bring it up. If you feel like it’s really a problem for you, then say something, but it might be more trouble than it’s worth. But obviously you feel guilty about it so maybe you should say something. I probably would just try to deal with it on my own and move on. If it’s not really affecting your present-day relationship and you have no intention of continuing that behavior, I would say don’t bother telling your partner about it.

My girlfriend gets super-moody right before her period and she ends up treating me like shit for a couple days. Everything is great with her when she's not PMSing, but it's still tough to take. Do hormones really make girls treat someone differently than they want to or is she using PMS as an excuse to be bitchy?
Yes, they do. It’s just how it is and you have to deal with it. If you do break up with her you’ll just get another girlfriend and she’ll be really bitchy to you while she’s PMSing too. Just suck it up and learn how to stay out of the way. Or be sweet.

Nikki, 26

What are your reasons for not shaving?
Shaving seems like a drag. And I don’t like the whole prepubescent look on grown women anyway. 

I'm a feminist but I've realized that I like being called a slut and whore while I'm having sex with my boyfriend. I feel personally conflicted about this. Am I being a bad feminist by engaging in these scenes or should I not think about it so much?
What’s wrong with being a slut or a whore? Maybe you should stop demonizing women’s sexuality and then you won’t be so conflicted.

My girlfriend and I have been together for a long time. As things have progressed she's given up on many of her beauty routines. She doesn't shower as often, never wears makeup, and barely ever shaves her legs. I've gently brought things up in the past, but I'm afraid nothing short of, "You're not turning me on anymore" is going to get through to her. Am I an asshole for wanting her to be properly groomed?
I think couples should be compatible with their levels of grooming. Maybe you two aren’t meant to be together. You might need someone much more uptight, and she might need someone much more cool.

I'm a woman on a dating site and I'm having trouble rejecting the girls who message me when I'm not interested. Do I need to send a polite response to their messages or can I just ignore the ones I wouldn't go out with?
I say ignore. In this case, a formal rejection seems way more upsetting than just never hearing back from some person you’ve never met.

I'm a man and recently began dating a really awesome girl. We were having a lot of fun with each other, but last week she chopped off all her hair. I'm talking extremely short. Honestly, I'm just not sexually attracted to her anymore. Should I just break it off?
Yes. Do her the favor. She is awesome and doesn’t need a dickwad like you hanging around.

Do open relationships ever work?
Yes, if both people are devoid of the emotional attachments that come with sex.

I'm a woman and I've been with my boyfriend for a while. Things have started to slow down sexually. How long is too long to go without having sex in a relationship?
This happens. Check in with each other about the relationship, but don’t place the emphasis on your sex life. The sex will be good again if you are both good to the relationship.

I got drunk and cheated on my fiancé back when we were first together. It's been years and I've had never cheated again, but I've never told him. It's always in the back of my mind. Do I have a moral obligation to tell him before we get married?
No way. You made a mistake. Get over it. However, if you continue to cheat, then you need to fess up.

My girlfriend gets super-moody right before her period and she ends up treating me like shit for a couple days. Everything is great with her when she's not PMSing, but it's still tough to take. Do hormones really make girls treat someone differently than they want to or is she using PMS as an excuse to be bitchy?
PMS is for real and it sucks. Your girlfriend probably feels pretty lousy before her rag and lashing out at you probably only makes her feel worse. You two should really talk about this when she is not upset. Let her know that her feelings are valid, but that attacking you is not okay. That way you can be supportive and caring and she can work through the stress.