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Jenny, 30

www.idontlikeyouinthatway.com

When my partner and I have sex for a long time, the lube gets tacky and gross. How can we prevent this?
As Jenna Jameson will tell you, never use lube. Use spit. No matter what kind of lube you use, no matter what the bottle says, it eventually gets sticky. Lube should always be a last resort. But a mid-coitus sticky-lube fix is a quick shower to wash off the old stuff and start fresh.

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How can I make sure my sex tape is internet-ready?
Edit out all of the boring conversation crap. Cut right to the sex, shave your butt (and crack, Britney) and plug your website at some point, preferably during the money shot.

What’s the best way to get it on at a star-studded formal event?
Wear a huge Gone with the Wind-style dress with no underwear, and you can do it pretty much anywhere.

What celebrity would have to pay you to have sex with them?
Colin Farrell, because it would turn me on for him to treat me like a whore.

What’s the best way to end a long-term relationship?
Stop having sex with them and let them catch you masturbating constantly. Try to be as unattractive as possible — start listening to John Tesh, fart in public more often, etc. Then convince them you’re holding them back, they’re too good for you and they can do better.

Jenny I’m really attracted to the guy I just started dating, except for one thing: he’s got a hairy back. Is it within bounds to ask him to do something about this even at this early stage in the relationship?
Don’t ever go into a relationship with someone expecting to change them. You take them as is. Back and chest stubble sucks, by the way. It looks stupid and/or gay, and it chafes. Unless they get laser hair removal, it’s better to have hair.

My boyfriend doesn’t know I’ve never had an orgasm with him. Should I keep faking?
Don’t pretend you’re getting off when you’re not. It’s not fair to him, and it’s not fair to you. You need orgasms, too. Be honest with him. Guys enjoy giving women orgasms. Discovering how to get you off by experimenting is fun. Lack of honesty is a relationship killer. That, and tattooing their name somewhere on your body.

Michael K, 27
www.dlisted.com

Michael How can I pick up a gossip blogger?
I’m such a whore, just look at me for longer than three seconds.

What’s the best way to defuse a nasty sex rumor like, “He can’t get it up”?
Deny, and then deny more, and then check yourself into rehab and blame it on your alcohol addiction.

Is making a sex tape ever a good idea?
Yeah. I always like to see if my stomach looks fat while I’m sucking dick.

Where’s the best place to get it on at a star-studded formal event?
Under the buffet table. Those skinny skanks don’t eat.

I’m drunk and in a bar. How can I prevent myself from picking up someone hideous?
Ask a friend to be a designated hag blocker, meaning your friend stays sober and makes sure that the piece you take home isn’t totally unfortunate.

What celebrity would have to pay you to have sex with them?
Paris Hilton, and she’d not only have to pay me, she’d have to cover all my medical expenses.

How can I turn my casual fuck-buddy into a relationship?
Watch TV together instead of fucking. That’s basically a normal relationship.

Carrie, 34
celebritysmack.blogspot.com

Carrie My boyfriend doesn’t know I’ve never had an orgasm with him. Should I keep faking?
Unless you want to live a deprived sex life, no. You just need some props. Get a vibrator, a porno and a cocktail and I’m pretty sure you’ll have an orgasm.

I’m thinking about dating an intern where I work. Bad idea?
Great idea, if you want to be the one paying for movies, dinners and transportation.

How can I pick up a gossip blogger?
I’ve heard that with Perez Hilton, all you need are some party favors and a tight ass.

I’m really attracted to the guy I just started dating, except for one thing: he’s got a hairy back. Is it within bounds to ask him to do something about this even at this early stage in the relationship?
Hell yes, you have a right! Suggest the two of you get waxed together, or — less painful — have a naked Nair party.

I’m drunk and in a bar. How can I prevent myself from picking up someone hideous?
Take a red Sharpee and dot your genitals before you go out that night.

How can I get into a star-studded formal event?
Hide in Paris Hilton’s massive slingback.

Trent, “old enough”
www.pinkisthenewblog.com


TrentWhat celebrity would you pay to have sex with?
David Beckham, Ryan Phillippe or Jake Gyllenhaal. If I could get a deal for all three, I’d go into bankruptcy to make it happen.

What’s the best way to end a long-term relationship?
Have “the talk.” Long-term relationships are worth more than a text message or email despite what you may have learned from Britney Spears. It should take place on your home turf, and it’s absolutely appropriate to bust out the usual reasons for the split: “It’s not you, it’s me,” “I feel we’ve grown apart,” or “Jake Gyllenhaal accepted my offer.”

I’m really attracted to the guy I just started dating, except for one thing: he’s got a hairy back. Is it within bounds to ask him to do something about this even at this early stage in the relationship?
It’s always within bounds. Open communication is key. That said, I’d hold off on saying anything until I felt we were at a more familiar place. “Hey hon, I picked up some dinner and I made you an appointment for a back wax. Let’s eat!”

My boyfriend doesn’t know I’ve never had an orgasm with him. Should I keep faking?
Absolutely not. Faking an orgasm only builds resentment. This is something that should be nipped in the bud sooner instead of later.

After giving a blowjob, is it impolite to spit it out?
Depends on the circumstance. The difference between “like” and “love” is a spit or a swallow.

How can I turn my casual fuck buddy into a relationship?
First off, you can’t be overeager. Nothing turns off a casual fuck-buddy more than too much pressure. Keep it loose (as it were), but make sure you stay interested. Good old-fashion wooing should do the trick. If all else fails, convert them to Scientology and then you can make them do pretty much whatever you want.

Molly, 24
www.mollygood.com

Molly How can I make my sex tape Oscar-worthy?
Never forget to S.T.E.A.M. That’s Strip (as in strip tease), Talk (you don’t have sound-effects guys, so you’re going to have to talk it out to make it memorable), Eye-Contact (crucial in low budget films — keep it personal), Angles and Market (PornoTube).

My boyfriend doesn’t know I’ve never had an orgasm with him. Should I keep faking?
Probably not, but it may be easier to let him down with, “I’ve been having a hard time orgasming this month,” instead of, “You’ve never, ever left me satisfied.”

How can I get it on at a star-studded formal event?
Move to Los Angeles, drop sixty-five pounds, buy everyone you meet a shot and a beer, hope that they’re semi-famous. Repeat.

I’m considering dating an intern where I work. Bad idea?
No. This has never gone wrong for anyone ever. But really, she/he probably only wants to date you for a good recommendation. Avoid.

How can I pick up a gossip blogger?
Pick up? That would imply we’re not housebound. Offer to treat my bedsores.

Lisa, 26
www.socialitelife.com

Lisa
How can I make my sex tape Oscar-worthy?
I don’t know that you can do anything to shock people anymore. At this point, it’s really important to try and really capture the essence of your particular sex act.

How can I pick up a gossip blogger?
Free drinks and a gift bag. My pants are already off by the time the gift bag appears.

How can I turn my casual fuck buddy into a relationship?
You can’t, so don’t waste your time. Enjoy it until you’re ready for a relationship, and then start fresh with someone who doesn’t see you as a booty call.

I’m really attracted to the guy I just started dating, except for one thing: he’s got a hairy back. Is it within bounds to ask him to do something about this even at this early stage in the relationship?
Subtlety is the way to go here. You don’t want to risk hurting feelings, unless you don’t really care about him, in which case I’d say, “Fix this, or I think I might puke next time you disrobe.”

When my partner and I have sex for a long time, the lube gets tacky and gross. How can we fix this mid-coitus?
Keep the lube nearby so you can grab it and reapply via handjob.

My boyfriend doesn’t know I’ve never had an orgasm with him. Should I keep faking?
If you’re faking, you’re not comfortable being honest with him. Don’t force yourself to say something until you’re ready, but at some point, you should probably tell him.

After giving a blowjob, is it impolite to spit it out?
No, just be careful where you aim.

What’s the best way to end a long-term relationship?
Three words: witness-protection program.
 

Interviews by Jocelyn Guest. Sex Advice From… appears on Thursdays. Have questions for the general public? Send them to sexadvicefrom@nerve.com.

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