Advice

Sex Advice From Goths

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Jenna, 40
www.shadowmanor.com/blog
www.halloweddings.com

Is wearing all black emblematic of a gloomy love life?
When a non-goth girl wants to look really sexy, what does she do? Wears black. We just prefer to look like that all the time. Velvet, leather, latex, lace, big dark eyes and lush red lips: sexual fantasy or typical goth attire?

Would you date someone from the opposite end of the cultural spectrum (i.e. a country boy/girl or city hipster)?
I’d never say never, but there would have to be an extremely compelling reason to date someone whose tastes and views were so radically different. Mind-blowing sex isn’t worth being dragged to an Oak Ridge Boys concert.

I’m attracted to someone shy. Without scaring her away, when should I stop being friendly and start being flirty?
Don’t flirt at all. Be mysterious and intriguing. Hint at hidden heartbreak in your past. Let her draw you out.jenna

The sexual chemistry between me and my current boyfriend is great, but he’s not much of a conversationalist. The awkward silences are starting to bother me. What should I do?
If there are topics that interest him, drop one of those into the conversation as a way to keep him talking. You could also simply stop viewing the silence as awkward; there’s no rule that says you have to be constantly chattering at each other.

My girlfriend always wants to have phone sex whenever we’re apart, but I can’t help thinking how silly it might be. Do I tell her that it’d be best if we wait until we’re together again, or am I the one being silly here?
How likely is she to secretly put you on speakerphone? Seriously, though: where men tend to be more visually oriented, women are beguiled by words. Pick up a book of erotica and read some of the more descriptive passages for ideas, then use the same sort of imagery on the phone with her. She definitely won’t think it’s silly. Be careful to sound sincere; if you can’t stop laughing it’ll just make her mad.

My girlfriend loves dancing; not only am I bad at it, I hate it. What can I do?
At the very least you should compromise. If it’s something that she really enjoys, do it once in a while to please her. This also gives you a bit of leverage when you really want to do something that she hates. However, the reason you hate it so much may be because you’re bad at it. Consider taking lessons. Your girlfriend will be thrilled that you care enough to do something just for her, which will pay dividends later. If you want a gothier answer: suffer in silence and write poetry about the sacrifices you make for love.

A friend of mine keeps confusing me. She talks to me like a close brother, revealing her recent crushes and conquests, but sometimes jokes that she’s really into me. I’m starting to get curious. Should I make a move?
Faint heart ne’er won fair maiden, pal. Have a frank talk and explain that her behavior is confusing you. This will give you both a good opportunity to discuss your real feelings for each other, and if she doesn’t mean to be leading you on it should stop her from sending mixed signals.

Gino, 23

Who would make a better lover and why — Robert Smith from The Cure, Al Jourgensen from Ministry, Peter Steele from Type O Negative, or Glenn Danzig?
Probably Robert Smith. He would be more sensitive about it and really laid back. Plus it seems like he could play the part of the girl more easily than I could. Also, it seems like he has soft skin.

Is wearing all black emblematic of a gloomy love life?
It’s more about accepting that the darker things in life don’t always have to be sad or depressing. The mysteries of the dark and never knowing what you might find make it all the more intriguing. There can be a lot of beauty in the dark if you can see it just right.

Would you date someone from the opposite end of the cultural spectrum (i.e. a country boy/girl or city hipster)? gino
I’ve actually dated most people from every spectrum, including a country girl and a ghetto girl. I saw aspects in them that I was really attracted to and vice-versa. Just because I wore all black didn’t mean we couldn’t have fun together. As a goth, you experience the situation of being judged in some cases. Eventually, you look beyond the superficial to what a person really is on the inside.

I’m attracted to someone shy. Without scaring her away, when should I stop being friendly and start being flirty?
Test her comfort level when it comes to sex. See if she’s had any experience, and how willing she is to open up about it. If she opens up, you have a chance. Other than that, you could try to find out if she has a loose friend.

My girlfriend always wants to have phone sex whenever we’re apart, but I can’t help thinking how silly it might be. Do I tell her that it’d be best if we wait until we’re together again, or am I the one being silly here?
Of course you’re the one being silly. As long as you’re not in the middle of the mall on speakerphone, there is nothing wrong with phone sex. Just remember that it’s probably a better idea to speak in a slow, sensual voice, and go over every detail as it goes through your mind. Otherwise you might remind her that your actual sex life is rather dull and routine.

My girlfriend loves dancing; not only am I bad at it, I hate it. What can I do?
Thankfully there are different types of dancing and different music. Do a bit of research. Find a style that suits your style of music, and ask her to take lessons with you. It’s a great way to get rid of that extra left foot and show her you’re outgoing, and you can make some new friends in the process. Besides, you don’t want to see her dancing with another guy in a club while you’re on the sidelines, do you?

A friend of mine keeps confusing me. She talks to me like a close brother, revealing her recent crushes and conquests, but sometimes jokes that she’s really into me. I’m starting to get curious. Should I make a move?
Have you ever talked to her about your crushes and conquests? If so and she ever seems kinda jealous, then maybe so. Otherwise, if she is too calm about it, then it might just be the close-friend deal. Or you could just try asking her.

Alex Rose, 24

Who would make a better lover and why — Robert Smith from The Cure, Al Jourgensen from Ministry, Peter Steele from Type O Negative, or Glenn Danzig?
Omigah, Peter Steele all the way. Have you seen his nude photos?

Is wearing all black emblematic of a gloomy love life?
That couldn’t be further from the truth! Goths are actually very happy people! Our frowns are just upside-down smiles, and the black we wear on the outside is just the shadow thrown by our inner sunshine! Why would anyone think different?

The stereotype on goths is that they have a cynical and/or nihilistic perspective on life and the world. Does nihilism carry over into sex?
It sure does. I mean, I’ll try most anything once. I know some other goths who are the same way, because to us, sex is an honest act. A lot of its power is taken away if there are strict rules to abide by. On the other hand, I know some goths who are actually quite reserved and don’t do much. I like to think of them as former suburbanites who graduated from the Hot Topic School of Alternative Lifestyles.alex

What can we learn from goth culture about love and sex?
We can learn that love and sex aren’t all rainbows and sunshine like the movies would have you believe. Sometimes it’s dark, and it’s better this way. Makes love and sex more diverse and unpredictable, which is the stuff of life… and better movies.

Would you date someone who is from the opposite end of the cultural spectrum (i.e. a country boy/girl or city hipster)?
No. Never. I stick to my own kind. Goths know what’s up. I feel like the rest are just catching up, but when it comes to sex, who really wants to wait?

I recently met someone, but sudden circumstances cut short what could have been a romance, forcing us to be miles and miles apart. Should I hold on to hope, or give up and be content with being friends?
Ever heard of Skype sex? Never could people be so far away from one another and yet be so close to each other! Something like this might inspire a physical reunion to happen sooner.

A friend of mine keeps confusing me. She talks to me like a close brother, revealing her recent crushes and conquests, but sometimes jokes that she’s really into me. I’m starting to get curious. Should I make a move?
Make a move. This could be the love of your life! Sometimes, the jokes we make are the lighthearted and passive versions of what’s true to us. So make a move, and if it doesn’t work, well, play it off as if it were a joke.