Sex Advice From Graffiti Artists

Q: Why do graffiti artists make good lovers? A: They don’t, unless your turn-ons include bailing your boyfriend out of jail a lot. 

By Alex Heigl

Claw Money

What makes sleeping with a graffiti artist great?
Well, everyone likes a bad boy/bad girl and there is an air of danger there — like maybe waking up and noticing your fridge has been emptied and vandalized.

Are graffiti artists more daring in bed?
Yes, way more daring. After all, we are adrenaline junkies. We might want to fuck on the fire escape of a random building or in a commercial truck lot — anywhere there is an element of peril. We can also probably can do it all night long, because we have no jobs to go in the morning.

Do you ever bring your work into the bedroom?
Nothing like a can of Krylon to spice things up! No seriously, I scrub my hands to make sure that I am not leaving poisonous paint residue on extremely sensitive body parts — and I would expect the same from my partner.

Are you generally attracted to other artists, or do you look outside of your field?
I have dated both people in and out of my field — and I happen to be married to a former graffiti writer. The truth is that no one can really understand the thrill and the experience of writing graffiti better than another writer. That right there gives you so much in common that other civilians couldn't possibly understand.

My girlfriend's parents look at me as a deadbeat because I'm working a part-time job while trying to make my art happen. She's been super-cool about it, but I'm starting to worry that it might be wearing on her. What should I do about this kind of pressure in our relationship?
I would just be the best boyfriend you can be. Cook and clean. Paint her name on the streets; fuck her just right. Then she will not care about the conventional gender roles that her parents are so keen on.

Is there any tactful way to initiate the idea of anal with my girlfriend? I've had quite a few people tell me "just go for it," but I think that could only end poorly.
Just tell her you are dying to do her up the butt. Of course, lavish her with compliments and ply her with liquor first. Then, obviously, ask before you stick and move.

I tend to take the Bill Clinton "anything shy of penetration is not intercourse" towards cheating, but I know a lot of people that don't feel the same way. Am I being a dick?
Yes, you are a cheater. Does your partner have the same Bill Clinton attitude? In the end, you have to live with yourself and your actions. If you can do it without a pang of guilt, then keep going.

My girlfriend and I are both serious artists, but I think her work is terrible — and she wants to collaborate, try and put an exhibition together, the whole bit. I really like her a lot and the relationship's great, but I think that if I tell her how I really feel, it'll tank things. What should I do?
How can you be with someone who ultimately you don't respect, and who makes horrible art on top of that? That is the real question. No, you can't tell her flat out, “You have no talent and need to slap your college drawing professor in the face,” but you need to encourage her to do better. "I think you are really gifted at drawing feathers. Why don't you do that more?" and shit like that. But don't have a show with her or even date her — both are a bad look!