Sex Advice From Guys with Handlebar Mustaches

Q: "How does your mustache give you a competitive edge?" A: "I'm like a modern day Magnum P.I. Who can say no to Tom Selleck?"

By Libby Rumelt

TomTom, 25

How does your mustache give you a competitive edge in the dating pool?
In the dating pool, there is one thing a guy with a mustache can be certain of: ladies either dig the mustache or are repulsed by it. In my experience, if a lady says nothing about the mustache, then there’s a good chance she digs it. If she immediately asks about the mustache, then chances are she is repulsed. It can be tricky to read a lady’s thoughts and interests — if she goes for the mustache touch, I believe she either want to see if it’s real, or is so enthralled by its majesty that she must touch it.  

Does having a mustache ever get in the way when you're giving head?
The vaginal juices tend to leave a lingering smell, which usually prompts a shower and using of a bit of soap or shampoo to clean the hair.

Would you date or sleep with someone who also has intense body or facial hair?
I would have to be awful drunk to sleep with a woman with facial hair. Slight body hair is different, though hopefully not too excessive. I could probably pretend she's European, but if I feel a hairy nipple or a hairy stomach, there’s a distinct chance that I am getting out of dodge.

Do you think everyone can pull of the handlebar, or just the brave few?
You've got to be confident about the mustache, otherwise you look weak. Do not ever get overly excited about having a mustache. Do you think Burt Reynolds or Rhett Butler got excited when people noted their mustaches? No. They didn’t give a shit, they knew they were the coolest customer in the room. A good mustache can demand respect on its own; it doesn’t need someone to peddle its values.

Do you think that cheating in a bed you share with your significant other is the "worst" form of cheating?
No. Not even close. The worst form of cheating would be me nailing your twin sister in the hospital bathroom, while you were recovering from a bad car wreck. Or me sleeping with your grandmother for money when you take me home to meet your family at Thanksgiving. Or me taking advantage of your drunken mother in the parking lot of our wedding reception. I honestly would never do any of these things; I was merely creating the “worst” scenarios.

This is my girlfriends first sexual relationship, so Ive been trying to take things slow, but Ive always been into using toys in the bedroom. Whats the best way to introduce my kink into the relationship?
Both of you should get really drunk.  

I've been with my boyfriend for almost a decade, but for the past few years the sex has been almost non-existent. I want to stay with him, but I'm thinking about looking else where for sex. Is there ever a situation where cheating is okay? 
There is never a situation where cheating is okay. If the relationship gets to that point, nut up and end the relationship because it’s crippled beyond repair.

I really want to be the guest star in a threesome, but I feel weird about posting my services online. Other suggestions?
I wouldn’t know, but I would try a Barney Stinson tactic. I would dress real sharp, drink Scotch, and order two prime suspects something strong and tasty. I would definitely have to make up some incredibly pretentious bullshit, but would attempt to get the ladies to a hotel. I’d get the nicest room available, and try to move the party to a hot tub/shower/bathtub. From there, it’s just a little bit of elbow grease.

My boyfriend just told me he was into choking and I'm terrified to sleep with him. How can I get over my fears?
Leave the relationship. That’s crazy. You can come share a bed with me, as long as you don’t mind that I am into wearing a Chewbacca costume.

Commentarium (25 Comments)

Feb 01 11 - 8:52am
Joe

Goddamn hipsters...

Feb 01 11 - 9:45am
motoj

Hipsters suck, no doubt. Also, not one of these is a handlebar mustache- A true handlebar is the kind with the waxed tips, ala Snidely Whiplash.

Feb 01 11 - 10:31am
Sarah

This is the only guy with a mustache that I have ever thought was hot. It also helps that he is funny as hell.

Feb 01 11 - 11:06am
WithAnInotanE

James, you can choke me any day. Meowwwww

Feb 01 11 - 11:22am
RemoWilliamsJr

Apparently guys with mustaches are also funnier than the herd.

Feb 01 11 - 11:36am
MRAGH

It doesn't have to be waxed but it does need to curl (think 1970s Neil Peart).

Feb 01 11 - 1:33pm
A-Cake

Anyone who has watched an episode of Blue Bloods can say no to Tom Selleck and his perfectly groomed 'stache.

Feb 01 11 - 4:31pm
ASH

James. Whew. Yes please.

Feb 01 11 - 6:04pm
Lo

Ah, a moustache down there where it tickles most..... bliss. Plus beard, natch.

Feb 01 11 - 7:09pm
NC@

James could get it.

Feb 01 11 - 8:17pm
Edward R

James James James. Smoooooking!

Feb 01 11 - 10:49pm
Oh yum

I hate to jump on the James boat... but I really want to be on a boat with James.

Feb 01 11 - 10:50pm
Oh yum

I hate to jump on the James boat....but I would love to be on a boat with James.

Feb 01 11 - 10:55pm
JCF

OK, Nerve, you've interviewed nine guys in a row for this series. Ten, if you go back to the previous one and consider the lone woman was the second of three. I think you need to get this back into balance next time!

Feb 01 11 - 11:02pm
ggg

Wait, so hipster bashing is ok again? Cool.

Feb 02 11 - 12:31am
ms

What a lovably hilarious set of interviewees. I'm still repulsed by the 'stache though.

Feb 02 11 - 2:21am
UglyShirts

Motoj is right. At the risk of nit-picking, there are NOT handlebar 'staches. Think Rollie Fingers. THAT is a "handlebar."

Feb 02 11 - 5:06am
ellebeezy

What is this James nonsense? The dude has a soul patch. Deal breaker. I'd like a mustache ride from Tom. Funny mathafocker who wasn't taking himself too seriously.

Feb 02 11 - 11:36am
Bork mcGork

James: "I might mention that while tufts of lustrous hair in the nether regions were sexy in 1970, it's now 2011 and there's been a bit of a shift, and that we should break out the razor. "

I might mention that while mustaches were sexy in 1970, it's now 2011 and there's been a bit of a shift, and that we should break out the razor.

FTFY.

Feb 23 11 - 8:58pm
LT

Totally agree. A man who can't handle hair where it's supposed to be ain't a man no matter how big his 'stache might be. Real women don't want their nether regions to look like 10 year old girls.

Feb 02 11 - 11:37am
Bork mcGork

James: "I might mention that while tufts of lustrous hair in the nether regions were sexy in 1970, it's now 2011 and there's been a bit of a shift, and that we should break out the razor. "

I might mention that while mustaches were sexy in 1970, it's now 2011 and there's been a bit of a shift, and that we should break out the razor.

FTFY.

Feb 02 11 - 4:13pm
Aaron

Holy crap, guys, 1975 called and they want their style back!

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Jun 15 12 - 12:33am
jennifer

some of these questions are absolutely disgusting. Wtf is wrong with you?!