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Sex Advice From Guys with Handlebar Mustaches
Q: "How does your mustache give you a competitive edge?" A: "I'm like a modern day Magnum P.I. Who can say no to Tom Selleck?"
By Libby Rumelt
How does your mustache give you a competitive edge in the dating pool?
In the dating pool, there is one thing a guy with a mustache can be certain of: ladies either dig the mustache or are repulsed by it. In my experience, if a lady says nothing about the mustache, then there’s a good chance she digs it. If she immediately asks about the mustache, then chances are she is repulsed. It can be tricky to read a lady’s thoughts and interests — if she goes for the mustache touch, I believe she either want to see if it’s real, or is so enthralled by its majesty that she must touch it.
Does having a mustache ever get in the way when you're giving head?
The vaginal juices tend to leave a lingering smell, which usually prompts a shower and using of a bit of soap or shampoo to clean the hair.
Would you date or sleep with someone who also has intense body or facial hair?
I would have to be awful drunk to sleep with a woman with facial hair. Slight body hair is different, though hopefully not too excessive. I could probably pretend she's European, but if I feel a hairy nipple or a hairy stomach, there’s a distinct chance that I am getting out of dodge.
Do you think everyone can pull of the handlebar, or just the brave few?
You've got to be confident about the mustache, otherwise you look weak. Do not ever get overly excited about having a mustache. Do you think Burt Reynolds or Rhett Butler got excited when people noted their mustaches? No. They didn’t give a shit, they knew they were the coolest customer in the room. A good mustache can demand respect on its own; it doesn’t need someone to peddle its values.
Do you think that cheating in a bed you share with your significant other is the "worst" form of cheating?
No. Not even close. The worst form of cheating would be me nailing your twin sister in the hospital bathroom, while you were recovering from a bad car wreck. Or me sleeping with your grandmother for money when you take me home to meet your family at Thanksgiving. Or me taking advantage of your drunken mother in the parking lot of our wedding reception. I honestly would never do any of these things; I was merely creating the “worst” scenarios.
This is my girlfriend’s first sexual relationship, so I’ve been trying to take things slow, but I’ve always been into using toys in the bedroom. What’s the best way to introduce my kink into the relationship?
Both of you should get really drunk.
I've been with my boyfriend for almost a decade, but for the past few years the sex has been almost non-existent. I want to stay with him, but I'm thinking about looking else where for sex. Is there ever a situation where cheating is okay?
There is never a situation where cheating is okay. If the relationship gets to that point, nut up and end the relationship because it’s crippled beyond repair.
I really want to be the guest star in a threesome, but I feel weird about posting my services online. Other suggestions?
I wouldn’t know, but I would try a Barney Stinson tactic. I would dress real sharp, drink Scotch, and order two prime suspects something strong and tasty. I would definitely have to make up some incredibly pretentious bullshit, but would attempt to get the ladies to a hotel. I’d get the nicest room available, and try to move the party to a hot tub/shower/bathtub. From there, it’s just a little bit of elbow grease.
My boyfriend just told me he was into choking and I'm terrified to sleep with him. How can I get over my fears?
Leave the relationship. That’s crazy. You can come share a bed with me, as long as you don’t mind that I am into wearing a Chewbacca costume.