Advice

Sex Advice From Guys with Handlebar Mustaches

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Q: "How does your mustache give you a competitive edge?" A: "I'm like a modern day Magnum P.I. Who can say no to Tom Selleck?"

TomTom, 25

How does your mustache give you a competitive edge in the dating pool?
In the dating pool, there is one thing a guy with a mustache can be certain of: ladies either dig the mustache or are repulsed by it. In my experience, if a lady says nothing about the mustache, then there’s a good chance she digs it. If she immediately asks about the mustache, then chances are she is repulsed. It can be tricky to read a lady’s thoughts and interests — if she goes for the mustache touch, I believe she either want to see if it’s real, or is so enthralled by its majesty that she must touch it.  

Does having a mustache ever get in the way when you're giving head?
The vaginal juices tend to leave a lingering smell, which usually prompts a shower and using of a bit of soap or shampoo to clean the hair.

Would you date or sleep with someone who also has intense body or facial hair?
I would have to be awful drunk to sleep with a woman with facial hair. Slight body hair is different, though hopefully not too excessive. I could probably pretend she's European, but if I feel a hairy nipple or a hairy stomach, there’s a distinct chance that I am getting out of dodge.

Do you think everyone can pull of the handlebar, or just the brave few?
You've got to be confident about the mustache, otherwise you look weak. Do not ever get overly excited about having a mustache. Do you think Burt Reynolds or Rhett Butler got excited when people noted their mustaches? No. They didn’t give a shit, they knew they were the coolest customer in the room. A good mustache can demand respect on its own; it doesn’t need someone to peddle its values.

Do you think that cheating in a bed you share with your significant other is the "worst" form of cheating?
No. Not even close. The worst form of cheating would be me nailing your twin sister in the hospital bathroom, while you were recovering from a bad car wreck. Or me sleeping with your grandmother for money when you take me home to meet your family at Thanksgiving. Or me taking advantage of your drunken mother in the parking lot of our wedding reception. I honestly would never do any of these things; I was merely creating the “worst” scenarios.

This is my girlfriends first sexual relationship, so Ive been trying to take things slow, but Ive always been into using toys in the bedroom. Whats the best way to introduce my kink into the relationship?
Both of you should get really drunk.  

I've been with my boyfriend for almost a decade, but for the past few years the sex has been almost non-existent. I want to stay with him, but I'm thinking about looking else where for sex. Is there ever a situation where cheating is okay? 
There is never a situation where cheating is okay. If the relationship gets to that point, nut up and end the relationship because it’s crippled beyond repair.

I really want to be the guest star in a threesome, but I feel weird about posting my services online. Other suggestions?
I wouldn’t know, but I would try a Barney Stinson tactic. I would dress real sharp, drink Scotch, and order two prime suspects something strong and tasty. I would definitely have to make up some incredibly pretentious bullshit, but would attempt to get the ladies to a hotel. I’d get the nicest room available, and try to move the party to a hot tub/shower/bathtub. From there, it’s just a little bit of elbow grease.

My boyfriend just told me he was into choking and I'm terrified to sleep with him. How can I get over my fears?
Leave the relationship. That’s crazy. You can come share a bed with me, as long as you don’t mind that I am into wearing a Chewbacca costume.

JamesJames, 36

How does your mustache give you a competitive edge in the dating pool?
I think my mustache puts me light years ahead of the pack in the dating pool.  Men want it, and women want to be on it.  I'm like a modern day Magnum P.I. Who can say no to Tom Selleck?

Does having a mustache ever get in the way when you're giving head?
Quite the contrary, and I use mine as a measuring tool to chart my success — soaked to the point of dripping equals a job well done.

Would you date or sleep with someone who also has intense body or facial hair?
Facial hair: hell no.  Body hair: yes, because I might not realize until it was too late. After the fact, I might mention that while tufts of lustrous hair in the nether regions were sexy in 1970, it's now 2011 and there's been a bit of a shift, and that we should break out the razor.

What style of facial hair do you think is the sexiest? 
I don't think I find it sexy, being a heterosexual dude, but I dig all different types.

Do you think everyone can pull of the handlebar, or just the brave few?
I don't think everyone can, but you don't know until you try it. Props to those who take the plunge and go for it.

Do you think that cheating in a bed you share with your significant other is the "worst" form of cheating?
That's pretty deplorable, but I would have to say that cheating with your best friend's significant other is the lowest of the low. In that scenario, the two most important people in your life get the shaft, one literally and one figuratively.

This is my girlfriends first sexual relationship, so Ive been trying to take things slow, but Ive always been into using toys in the bedroom. Whats the best way to introduce and incorporate my kink into the relationship?
You need to be yourself if the relationship is going to work, so grow a pair and talk to her honestly. If vibrating cock rings, nipple clamps, and motorized prostate milkers help you get there, this girl needs to know!  And also, you can consider yourself to be her professor in the Art of Love Play. Broaden her sexual horizons…she'll thank you for it! Or get a restraining order.

How can I politely tell my boyfriend I no longer want to swallow his come?
You selfish bitch!

I really want to be the guest star in a threesome, but I feel weird about posting my services online. Other suggestions?
I would consider online shit as a last resort. Instead, start by bringing it up casually to buddies over drinks. Something like, "Man, it would be cool if we double-teamed your girlfriend. You down?" A real friend would at least consider it. If he gets pissed, just say you were kidding.

My boyfriend just told me he was into choking and I'm terrified to sleep with him. How can I get over my fears?
Tell him to take it slow at first, and that you'd rather remain conscious through the whole experience. I, myself, am really into it. Very hot. No Michael Hutchence or David Carradine shit, though. Keep it safe, kids.

ArlinArlin, 28

How does your mustache give you a competitive edge in the dating pool?
It definitely gives an edge when it comes to quality. Mustaches seem to attract women who are adventurous and aren't afraid to try new things. Boring people don't grow mustaches. Having a mustache is also a sign of commitment. If a guy is brave enough to go through the ridicule that comes along with growing a mustache, it shows he is in it for the long haul!

Does having a mustache ever get in the way when you're giving head?
Some styles of mustaches definitely get in the way. I was growing mine out for a while, attempting to do some curling, and it got in my food all the time. On occasion, I would bite into a sandwich and pull out a few hairs. Ouch! So yes, it can get in the way of everything.

Would you date or sleep with someone who also has intense body or facial hair?
Uh… this would have to be dealt with on a case-by-case basis. I keep everything decently trimmed and proper and expect a similar level of hygiene. That said, it's not a deal breaker.

What style of facial hair do you think is the sexiest?
Huge sideburns. I wish I could grow sideburns, or any decent beard for that matter.

Do you think everyone can pull of the handlebar, or just the brave few?
Anyone can pull off a handlebar! There are a lot of variations — you just have to find the one that fits you best. Try thin, thick, long, short, etc. One will eventually stick.

Do you think that cheating in a bed you share with your significant other is the "worst" form of cheating?
Isn't that kind of like asking what the "worst" form of killing is? Killing is killing; cheating is cheating.  I suppose if we had to put it on a scale, I can't think of much worse.

My boyfriend just told me he was into choking and I'm terrified to sleep with him. How can I get over my fears?
Screw that shit. The car is on fire and it's time to bail. Just be sure to curl into a ball on the way out so you don't lose any limbs.

My girlfriend of six months recently asked me to move in with her. I know shes lived with her last two girlfriends and although I do want to live with her, I feel this is a negative pattern she needs to break. How long should I tell her I want to wait before moving in?
I would say a minimum of another six months. Needy people freak me out a bit. She might feel insecure and needs to work that out herself. That said, if there is a financial issue, or you both end up at one of your places 24/7, just bite the bullet and move in.

This is my girlfriends first sexual relationship, so Ive been trying to take things slow, but Ive always been into using toys in the bedroom. Whats the best way to introduce my kink into the relationship?
You’ll have to drop the bomb eventually. What's the worst that can happen? They freak out and leave you? You're probably better off. There are others out there who will be into you. The dating pool is huge! Take a risk and see what happens. I couldn't imagine being in a relationship in which I had to hide aspects of myself. It would be horrible!