Advice

Sex Advice From Hand Job Academy

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Getting freaky with the up-and-coming rap trio.

Hand Job Academy is a filthy and funny rap group from Brooklyn who made an internet splash last year with their song “Shark Week,” which is probably the frankest hip-hop song ever written about menstruation. Clara Bizna$$ (Claire), Ash Wednesday (Ashley), and Lil’ T (Meg) (clockwise from top) talked with Nerve from the road, and they gave us some sex tips for all you squares.

Where are you right now? 
Ash Wednesday: We’re driving on our way to Washington D.C. right now. We’re on our first tour.

How’s it going?
Ash: It’s going really well so far. We’ve met a lot of really attractive, freaky, awesome people.  I feel blessed to be traveling the East Coast with my two favorite people.

I’m just going to come right out and ask it: what is “Pussy Chicken?” 
Lil’ T: Ashley was dating this guy, and he left her several voicemails of just ridiculous, ignorant things, and in one of them he said, “if you don’t call me back in the next 15 minutes, I’m going to call AT&T and block your number,” which made absolutely no sense. So we put it in the song and we wrote a hook like, poking fun at [whiny voice] “Oh my God, I can’t believe I called you again,” like making fun of that kind of stuff.

But what specifically is “Pussy Chicken?” Like, those two words have maybe never been put together before. 
Lil’ T: It just came out of Ashley’s mouth when she was writing her lyrics, and then our producer named the song “Pussy Chicken.”

Clara Bizna$$ (to Ashley): I guess it refers to fear, like being the pussy and being the chicken at the same time? She has a line, “Pussy chicken, buck-buck-buck, in a row all of my ducks?” Sometimes, when you’re writing a rap song, words just come out that sound cool. And this guy was fucking a friend of ours who was really vulnerable at the time, which is kind of a bitch move, you know what I mean? So he was being a pussy chicken. And, you know, this has been mentioned time and time again, with the concept of “pussies are strong, because they can take a beating,” so using pussy to imply weakness is kind of twisted. But we made an artistic choice, because the word “pussy” is just awesome. It rolls off the tongue, so to speak.

Your song “Shark Week” is about periods. What advice would you have for women who still want to have sex and get eaten out while they’re menstruating? 
Clara: Get freaky.

Ash: I think sex is awesome, and I think if you’re gonna get with somebody, both of you should get tested, and be on the pill, and then just get completely freaky and go hard. Not have any fear around it, just get tested and get the results, and then go crazy. To me, that’s the sexiest thing you can do, regardless of period or not.

In my experience, women have been hesitant to let me go down on them, or even to have sex, while they’re menstruating. But it’s not really something to be uncomfortable with, is it? 
Lil’ T: Well, you have to be comfortable with yourself and comfortable with your partner.

Clara: I think if you want actual advice for a square, like someone who’s not naturally freaky, this was some education somebody gave me in high school: if you’re on your period, have sex in the shower. Meg references that in her verse. What’s your line, Meg? “If you got heavy flow I’ll do you in the shower.” I think that’s a good beginner’s way to get into sex on-the-rag. And if it’s at the beginning or the end, when it’ll be light, just throw down a towel and go hard, like Ash Wednesday said.

You have song about Twin Peaks. Fuck, Marry, Kill: Audrey, Shelley, and Donna (the Twin Peaks girls).
Lil’ T: Definitely I would fuck Shelley. I would rescue her from her abusive boyfriend and then I would kill him and then I would have sex with her.

Clara: See, I would fuck Audrey, because you know she a bad bitch. I think she’s completely beautiful. I’d marry Shelley and kill Donna because she’s annoying. Plus have you seen Lara Flynn Boyle lately? Over and out.

Ash: They’re all hot, but I am Laura Palmer, no necro. I would kill Donna because she’s a bitch for dating my boyfriend after I died, and I would marry Shelley and fuck Audrey, because she’s hot.

Lil’ T: I have another. I would definitely do Audrey. I would take her away from her daddy, and I would pay for all of her necessities, and she’d be my second wifey after Shelley.

Clara: And we’d tag-team the shit out of Agent Dale Cooper! In the suit, he’s nasty, you know he’s a freak, he’s on some other shit. He’s hallucinating, he’s a crazy dude, and that is attractive, I gotta say. And he has that scene, where his hair is hanging in his face.

He has a great butt, too. Remember that scene in Blue Velvet?
Clara: Yeah, baby wanna fuck!

Who’s the dirtiest of you three? 
Ash: Not me.

Lil’ T: Not Ash Wednesday. I would say Claire.

Ash: Claire, dude!

Clara: Alright, y’all. Listen. I gotta say, I am guilty of participating in a Sex Advice From column back in 2007, you can find it if you look it up.

Lil’ T: She’s had every possible combination.

Clara: Alright, alright, y’all. I don’t know if my mother’s gonna read this.

Lil’ T: Claire, have you ever fucked a clown?

Clara: Not in clown uniform, but I’ve definitely fucked some fools who were clowns, for sure. No, but listen: I’m in a committed relationship, and it’s beautiful, and we live together and we have a dog. I’d like to be with this person for a long time, so I think we can stretch out the freakiness over many years, but I definitely had like a ten-year period where I was fa-reaky. Like if this was Sex and the City, I would be the Samantha.

But Meg raps about sex all the time, and getting bitches, and Ash has an excellent Madonna… not even whore complex, she has like a Madonna/flirt complex. Ash is a kindergarten teacher, so she’s on her Princess Diana shit, but she flirt like crazy.

That’s what she has in common with R. Kelly
Ash: That’s right! I’ve got a lot in common with R. Kelly. On this tour, I’ve peed in some weird places.

You’ve rapped a lot about stuff that doesn’t usually get rapped about. What’s next? 
Ash: I think the heartbreak songs are next.

Clara: I think that’s an excellent point. That’s definitely been rapped about, but not by us. I think a lot of people expect us to be kinda comedy and lighthearted and shit, and so it might flip it a little bit us to go somewhere deeper, to talk about fear, and emotional shit. I think we had such an outpouring of support after “Shark Week,” which seemed to strike a chord with feminists, so I think there’s, like, this fourth-wave feminist shit that’s different, like a nouveau riot-grrl vibe. We didn’t set out intending to have that message, but now, speaking for myself, I think I owe it to the people who are fucking with us to continue on that path, because it’s important.

Lil’ T: But put this on the record: at the end of the day, it’s about generating content.

Image via Laura Jane Kirsch..