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Sex Advice From Hannibal Buress
"I put on some weird-ass music when I have sex, like the Lisa Loeb Pandora station."
by Alex Heigl
Hannibal Buress has written for 30 Rock and Saturday Night Live, and he currently hosts a weekly comedy show at The Knitting Factory in Brooklyn. His newest special, Animal Furnace, premieres this Sunday on Comedy Central, and the CD and DVD will hit stores next Tuesday.
Who has the more attractive writers' room: 30 Rock, or Saturday Night Live?
From my experience, I have to go with 30 Rock.
Which one has more sexual tension?
Well, when I was at 30 Rock, most of the writers were in long-term relationships or married, so there wasn't a lot of sexual tension. So I guess SNL.
What are your stand-up groupies like?
Well, they're out there, and there are some crazy ones. But hey, if someone enjoys my show and wants to have sex with me because of that, that's cool with me.
There's a bit in your new special about Facebook messages. What's your take on flirting through Facebook?
I'm really bad at that. There's been times — not as much anymore — that I've gotten on the Facebook drunk and just started chatting, you know, and that's bad. It's really easy to be forward with the computer, because you don't have to look at the disappointment on someone's face. They're a person, but they've been reduced to this box with a green dot on it that you want to have sex with. I mean, you can pull it off if you've met them before, but it's probably not the best place to kick things off.
Is it ever okay to break up with someone online?
No, not at all. You've got to do breakups face-to-face. You've got to man up.
You lived in Chicago before moving to New York. Give me some sweeping generalizations about the differences in the Chicago and New York dating scenes.
New York's a late-night city, so it might be harder to be in a relationship here — it's way easier to hook up and be casual. Like, say, in Los Angeles, you have to drive everywhere, things close earlier, so it's easier to settle down. But in New York, you can turn any night of the week into a weekend night. And the one-night stand is so much easier in New York than it is in L.A. or Chicago. In L.A., the one-night-stand scene is nearly impossible. There's all this negotiation: "Where are you staying?" "Okay, you get in your car, and then I'll get in mine, and you can follow me, but drive slow," and "You can leave your car here, but you gotta come get it the next morning, and I can't drive you, because I have an audition."
How does your love life get incorporated into your act?
Well, I have a joke about an ex-girlfriend, where she asked me, "What would you do if I wasn't home at three o'clock in the morning?" and I said "I'd play video games to celebrate your absence." But I try not to be too disrespectful — I've heard people describe some of my jokes as misogynistic, and I say, "Why can't I just hate those three women? I don't hate all women — just these three."
Every time my girlfriend and I have a fight, she shuts down and doesn't want to talk about it. How can I get her to open up and talk these things through?
Uh, massage her feet? [laughs] You know, I used to be disgusted by women's feet, but recently, I massaged this one girl's feet, and it was pretty cool. So, yeah, bring her a glass of wine, massage her feet, and then say: "Look, girl, I love you." If you love her, tell her that, if you don't, don't lie.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I go out, he gets upset at what I'm wearing — he thinks my clothes are too revealing, or that I'm showing off too much. How can I tell him to calm down?
Well, I don't know if the issue is that he's worried about too many people looking at you, but I like it when people look at the girl I'm with. That just means she looks good. But if that's his concern, you might have to meet him halfway. You know, maybe tone it down a bit to reassure him that you're his — not his property — but that you're in the relationship and you're not trying to... advertise.
My boyfriend spends a lot of time with his best friend, much more than he spends with me. I know I can't make too big an issue out of this, but how can I get him to spend more time with me?
Constant blowjobs [laughs]. Nah, uh, just figure out what they're doing, and think up some cooler stuff to do. You do have the blowjob advantage, so that helps, but just make sure to make time. Say "This is date night," or whatever, and follow up. Allocate.
My girlfriend gets upset with me whenever I watch porn or go to a strip club. How can I convince her that these activities don't constitute cheating, and that I'm just blowing off steam or having a good time?
[long pause] She sounds crazy. Write that one off. That might not be good advice, but that's my stance. Most girls are pretty cool about porn, but fewer are cool about the strip club. Maybe just stop telling her you're going to the strip club. Say you're volunteering.
My girlfriend and I have been together for three years, and our sex life is becoming routine. What can I do?
Spice that shit up! Watch porn. Think of some new stuff; switch positions. Change your sex music. I put on some weird-ass stuff when I have sex, like the Lisa Loeb Pandora station. Get creative with it — just start banging anywhere. Talk to each other, tell each other you wanna do some weird stuff to each other. Who's that old broad? Susie? Dr. Ruth? She probably has some foul stuff to say. Am I the first Sex Advice columnist to say, "Go check out this other advice columnist?"
I think you're the first to call out Dr. Ruth.
Well, she knows what's up.
Want to find someone to listen to the Lisa Loeb Pandora station to with? Meet them on Nerve.