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Sex Advice from . . . Hash House Harriers

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The Hash House Harriers is a seventy-year-old organization that began in Kuala Lumpur. It has since expanded to 1,700 branches in nearly every major city in the world. Based on the “hares and hounds” premise of pursuit, the group’s single social activity consists of human “hounds” chasing down a trail left by “hares” in a public place. In the modern version, alcohol and cross-dressing play a central role.

"Underwear," "high 40s"

www.hashing.org

How can I train for a sexual marathon?
Train on soft surfaces rather than hard ones. Mix long, slow sessions with short, fast ones. And practice in a group whenever possible.

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I do a lot of drinking. How can I make sure my performance doesn’t suffer as a result?
Make sure your partner is equally drunk. It won’t improve your performance, but with any luck she won’t remember any of it in the morning.

I’m a bisexual female. My ex, who I broke up with amicably, just asked me to have a threesome with him and his new girlfriend. Is that too complicated?
This is quite a difficult question. Send me your address and telephone number, and I’ll bring my girlfriend around so we can discuss it properly.

Christian

What’s a good ground rule for sex in public?
Avoid sand.

Where’s the line between sexy and slutty?
If she’s shagging you, she’s being sexy. If she’s shagging your mates but not you, she’s being slutty.

I just started dating a man who’s ten years younger than me. I want him to know old dogs can learn new tricks. Tell me a new trick.
I’ve always been impressed that dogs of any age can lick their own balls.

Peter ("Shampoo"), 47
www.hogtownh3.ca

When my boyfriend and I started dating, he confessed that he usually breaks up with women at “the three-month point.” Is he trying to prepare me for something?
He’s just low-balling it. In sales, they call that under-promise and over-deliver. It’s a way of saying, “Maybe you shouldn’t expect too much.”

How can I let my girlfriend know I’d like her to trim her pubic hair?
The absolute worse way you could do this is by coming to bed wearing a pith helmet and jungle fatigues. Offer to do it yourself. Say you think it’s sexy. And you know what? It kind of is. My wife and I have done that on occasion.
Christian
My girlfriend wants to have sex in public. What are some good ground rules?
Do it out of town. And not in a schoolyard during recess.

What allegedly romantic sexual gesture is overrated?
Buying red roses. That has "guilty"
written all over it.

I just found out two guys I’m casually dating know each other. Do I need to break it off with one of them?
No, it’s up to them whether they can handle it or not. Eventually, they’re going to find out, and then you can tell them what the deal is.

Seref ("Hardware"), 22Christian

I do a lot of drinking. How can I make sure my performance doesn’t suffer?
I find that after drinking beer, I’m very tired. Go with more fun drinks, like tequila or wine. Beer just sits in your stomach.

Is it okay for me to hook up with someone in private whom I wouldn’t want to be seen with in public?
Sure, why not? I believe there are no limits to hooking up. There are no limits to relationships. Everyone gets turned on by something. Sometimes you can’t control what you’re attracted to. A forty-year-old man might be attracted to a woman who’s a lot younger.

Can a long-distance relationship work?
I find it’s not a good idea. When you have a bad day, you want to come home and feel that person’s touch. Long distance, you get to send a few emails. You describe your day using onomatopoeia. You even have cybersex, but at the end of the day, that’s just masturbation. You’re alone. Why put yourself through that torture?

What sexual activity is overrated?
Pouring candle wax over someone. And romantic poetry while you’re having sex. My ex-girlfriend did that. She’d be like “Tell me you love me and feel my heart burst with a thousand stars” and all sorts of corny phrases. That just takes away from the orgasm.

"PBS," 37
www.portlandhumphash.org

How can I train for a sexual marathon?
Training is highly discouraged. Anything competitive is, actually. We have a lot of hashers who do marathons, though we deplore that. For a sexual marathon, just stretching might help.

I just broke off a long engagement. It was messy. When should I have sex again?
At the very first opportunity.

Can a long-distance relationship work?
Absolutely. Phone sex is required. You have to be comfortable saying anything over the phone to be able to satisfy each other while you’re apart. I’m doing it right now. Christian

How can I suggest some pubic maintenance to my girlfriend?
Friend girlfriend or lover girlfriend?

Lover girlfriend.
That’s a bit harder. With friend girlfriends, I’ll say something like, “You’ve got to get rid of that ’70s pie.” But with a lover girlfriend, you could say, “I think it could be fun to do a lightening bolt. What do you say? How about an arrow?”

My friend is always making “I want to fuck him” comments within earshot of the guy she’s talking about. How can I get her to curb this?
Within our group, that’s actually highly encouraged. I’m not really well-versed at trying to quiet people down. I’m more of a prodder. But let’s see. How would I get somebody to mellow it out? I’d walk up to the guy she was talking about and say, “Hey, obviously she wants to fuck you. Are you game?” Cut it off through humiliation.

What allegedly romantic gesture is overrated?
Getting down on one knee in a crowd. Just do it in private.

Joost, 35
www.bangkokhhh.comJoost

Is it okay for me to hook up with someone I wouldn’t want to be seen with in public?
Is he pimply, leprous or one-legged? Is he shorter than you? In any case, you should insist on only meeting him after two a.m. Also, wear an ice-hockey mask and explain that you’ve broken your cheekbone. There’s no point in ruining your chances with other men by going out with a former bit-player from the 1932 movie Freaks.

When my boyfriend and I started dating, he confessed that he usually breaks up with women at the three-month point. Is he trying to prepare me for something?
It sounds like his relationships are formulaic and he has a shallow concept of love. If I were you, I’d launch a pre-emptive strike and dump him. That ought to enlighten him.

My fuck buddy has been blowing me off lately. I know we’re not in a relationship, but I still think he should return my calls. Am I being irrational?
No. He’s hiding something — a steady girlfriend or a nasty STD.

What allegedly romantic gesture is overrated?
One time this girl blew really hard in my ear and nearly perforated my eardrum.
 

Interviews by Kate Sullivan. Sex Advice From… appears on Thursdays. Have questions for the general public? Send them to sexadvicefrom@nerve.com.

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