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Sex Advice From Housepainters

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Jacy, 26

Housepainters, along with repairmen and pool guys, are sort of an archetypal fantasy. Even had any experiences with lonely housewives?
There was one smoldering July day. I’d spent a month-and-a-half on ladders outside a several-story apartment building. I came to this window and I saw the woman who was living there completely naked. You can’t really run away when you’re three stories up, and you can’t just duck because you might fall and die, so I just kind of waved at her. And she went "oops" and shut the door. But I still had to put another coat of paint on. Very nervous, I went back to her window, and she had set a glass of water on the windowsill. That was kind of our sweet little "You saw me naked, now have some cold water" thing.

I have a partner that’s turned on by getting messy. If we’re going to use paint as a part of sex play, what type of paint should we use and how should we use it?
Probably the safest and easiest thing to do would be to go to the art supply store and get the finger paint for kids. As long as it’s water based, you should be all right.

I want my bedroom to be a love den. What colors should I use to make it as sexually inviting as possible?
Paint it the color "dick." I think they have a swatch for that.

I’m tired at the end of the day. How can I make sex shorter without making my girlfriend/boyfriend upset?
Work less and take naps, because you have to have sex for a successful relationship. That’s just pretty bottom line. Not all the time. Maybe try scheduling. Are you a young professional? Sync up your iCalendars, you know, "Honey, tonight we’re having sex at 6:30, is that okay with you? Because tomorrow I’ll have to go to the gym and I’ll be too tired."

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Tips on shooting an amateur porn video?
Location, location, location. I’m a big fan of travel shows. I like crazy locations. Like, in a tree. Or a playground at night. On rooftops. Horse stables. Make it an old-timey piece. Wear some chain mail.

Is female ejaculation a myth or reality? And, if so, what is it?

It’s more of a folk tale. I remember my grandfather sitting me down and telling me that the tears of God came from the vagina of his woman, and those tears meant she was happy and thus everything was well and good and everyone had a plate to eat from and there was food in every home and a fire in every fireplace.

Bill, 24
What painting techniques should we bring into the bedroom?
Brushing, simply, is always a good one. Pretty much any of them can be applied, really. You could use your roller for some nice massage, maybe switch to a sprayer if you’re into getting messy. I would steer clear of the scrapers.

What colors should I paint my bedroom to make it as sexually inviting as possible?
Dark, warm earth tones: reds, maroons, even browns.

I’m into older women — moms. Where can I go to pick one up?
Obviously the playground is a good option.
Public library puppet shows. Or you could get a job as a housepainter; you’re going to be around a lot of women, in the home, with nothing do to.

Is there a way to teabag someone gracefully?

I never understood teabagging as an intimate thing. To me it was always like a joke dudes did at camp, like "I’m going to teabag you, dude." It was never intended to be graceful to begin with, as far as I understood it.

Jason, 28



What skills do you have as a painter that might apply when you’re making love?
Patience. For guys, precision. And motion. Patience, motion, precision.

I want my bedroom to be a love den. What colors should I use to make it as sexually inviting as possible?

I guess that’s kind of a "to each his own." Me? I don’t really care. It’s more about what they’re wearing.

What if you walked into a bedroom and it was some really silly color. Like powder puff pink or something.

Well, powder puff pink, I’d be like "well, it’s just about sex." That’s a love den I guess.

I have a straight female friend who is really turned on by watching guys make out with each other. How can she convince her boyfriend to do it just once?
Um, she should tell her boyfriend to get over his homophobic bullshit and make out with a dude or she’s going to dump his chump ass. He doesn’t have to suck his dick or anything.

Nick, 25

My partner gets turned on by getting messy. If we’re going to use paint as a part of sex play, whatshould we use and how should we use it?
I would use acrylic paint. It dries faster. And once it dries, it’s pretty much a layer of plastic on your skin. Do not use oil paint. You can’t get it off. Tempera would be okay too, and it’s cheaper than acrylic. Or latex would be fine. Fuck — house paint! What was I thinking? House paint looks great. Kind
of smelly, though.

What techniques of painting should we bring into the bedroom?
Painting has a Zen-like quality to it. There’s lots of repetition, and sometimes the slower you work, the faster you’re actually working. You want to get in the zone, don’t get frustrated if it’s taking too long. Finish the job, but don’t rush the job.

I have a straight female friend who is really turned on by watching guys make out with each other. How can she convince her boyfriend to do it?
Bargaining.

What would be a reasonable bargain?
Sex slave for a day, something like that.

I want my bedroom to be a love den. What colors should I use to make it as sexually inviting as possible? I have all the swatches to give you ideas…
Everyone says red is good, but I think dark is good. A warm, dark color. Everyone wants to go to that warm, dark place.
 

Interviews by Jenn Sodini. Sex Advice From… appears on Thursdays. Have questions for the general public? Send them to sexadvicefrom@nerve.com.


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