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What's one thing volunteering has taught you about sex?
You're not always going to get what you were expecting, but if you stay loose, keep the goal in mind, and make sure not to get yourself into a dangerous situation, hopefully you'll come out feeling like you did something good. Oh — and a contractor cleanup bag is not a condom.
What would you tell someone who was looking to meet people through hurricane cleanup?
You're going to want good gloves, some sturdy footwear, and some clothes that can get messy. It can get dark fast, so bring a flashlight. Cleaning supplies are always in high demand. Also, there's a chance that you're going to be in there for a while, so bring a snack and something to drink. Those are all supposed to be double entendres. Your mileage may vary.
Where's the best place to have sex in a pinch if nobody's apartment is free?
FEMA trailer. Is that joke in worse taste than this entire premise?
"I don't really make that much money, or have insurance, so I'm paying out of pocket for my birth control pill. Is it totally rude or unheard of for me to ask the guy I'm sleeping with to chip in for half of the costs if I'm letting him come inside me?"
Unheard of? No. Rude? No. Can of worms? Possibly. If you start getting into even-steven territory, you might not like what happens next. For example, condoms aren't free, and I normally destroy four or five every time just trying to get the box open. It adds up. Also — is your partner on anti-depressants? Perhaps because you're intolerably fixated on "fairness" and you make him crazy? He could be justified in trying to split that cost with you if you want to play that game. Think about it. Lastly, if this is just "the guy you are sleeping with," are you seeing anybody else? And if you're so damn fair, are you going to give him a partial rebate every time you shtup someone else? Can of worms, sister.
"My girlfriend says I have to trim my ball hair before she will give me head. I don't want to. Should I?"
The only bit of information you haven't given me is whether or not you want head. After that, the decision should be easy. And if the implied question is, "Does she owe you head regardless of your shrubbery," put yourself in her shoes. Can you fault her for having a maintenance stipulation? You'd probably have a few requests before servicing you, too, you filthy sailor — it's like a rambutan down there.
"How do I tell my boyfriend he comes too soon?"
I would try this: next time it happens, say something like "Goddamnit you come too soon!" followed by some kind of classical conditioning cue, like firing a starting pistol.