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Sex Advice From . . . Ice-Cream Vendors

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Erica, 27

I don’t like giving head, but my boyfriend loves giving it. Should I give it to him occasionally, even if it’s not something I enjoy doing?
There are lots of ways you can make giving head more fun for you. I usually imagine that the cock is a popsicle that I want to lick, but I don’t want to bite. If you do it right, he’ll come before you even start thinking about the TV show you’d rather be watching.

My girlfriend wants to get my name tattooed on her body. I have no plans to break up with her, but we’re young and you never know what might happen. I’m worried this tattoo will make me feel caged in. What should I do?

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Suggest that she get your name tattooed in a Chinese character, and tell her you’ll look it up online for her. Then find a character that actually means something like “Sex Machine” or “Naughty Boy” and print it out for her.

My boyfriend’s back hair gives me the creeps. How can I get him to wax without making him feel weird?
Ask your boyfriend to take a shower with you. Offer to soap him up, and do a switch-a-roo with some three-minute Nair. Even before you stop laughing it off as a hilarious mix-up, start complimenting him on his back-muscle definition.

What can you tell about a person by the type of ice cream they order?
If they come into the ice cream shop and ask for a taste of everything, and then order a flavor they didn’t even taste, they’ll probably cheat on you. If they choose a fat-free or sugar-free ice cream they’re bound to break your heart — that stuff is hard as a rock.

I live in the curtained-off corner of a living room and I have four roommates. How can I get off without making noise?
If you’re by yourself, take the batteries out of the vibrator and do the job manually. If you’re with a partner, explain the rules of the house. It’s annoying when you’re trying to be stealth and your partner is a budding exhibitionist or a giggler.

Are there any clues I should look for to see if the guy I’m hooking up with is hooking up with anyone else?
Mark your territory: give him a huge hicky below the belt. If he gets really mad you’ll know there’s competition.

Devon, 20

I hate my boyfriend’s friends. Do I have to hang out with them?
Not all the time. You both should have separate friends. But if he asks you to, you should just go and then think twice the next time you make him come to one of your all-girl events.

I have a tendency to call my hookups many times when hammered. How do I stop drunk dialing?
Leave your phone at home, tell your friends to take it, hide your phone, don’t drink.

What can you tell about a person by the type of ice cream they order?
Strawberry is usually soft and sweet. Rum raisin is totally freaky.

My girlfriend wants to get my name tattooed on her body. I have no plans to break up with her, but I’m worried this tattoo will make me feel caged in. What should I do?
Tell all of her friends and family about her idea — chances are they won’t be happy about it either. Let them do the dirty work. Then act disappointed when she tells you the plan is off.

What clues should look for to see if the guy I’m hooking up with is hooking up with anyone else?
If he seems extra-friendly to a particular friend of yours, or if he always asks if she’ll be coming along, there’s more than a slight chance he’s hooking up with her.

My boyfriend’s back hair gives me the creeps. How can I get him to wax without making him feel weird?
If he’s in love with you, he should be catering to your needs, so just tell him. If you’re too shy, just loudly have a discussion with a friend when you know he’s within earshot about how gross you think back hair is. He should get the hint.

Alexander, 25

I have a crush on the guy who works at the ice-cream place down the street. How should I let him know?
Tell him to keep the change, or give him an extra-big tip. Five dollars is a nice amount — any more than that looks desperate.

How can I use ice cream to seduce someone?
It’s all about the way you lick it. Make sure you make eye contact so there’s no confusion about what you really want.

How do I stop drunk dialing?
Keep doing it! I promise, guys love it. But don’t leave messages if they don’t pick up. That’s too much.

My girlfriend wants to get my name tattooed on her body. I have no plans to break up with her, but I’m worried this tattoo will make me feel caged in. What should I do?
I would never get my girlfriend’s name tattooed on me. Hell no. Tell her you and she will get matching ones when you get married and that you’re really looking forward to it. That’ll buy you some time.

I hate my boyfriend’s friends. Do I have to hang out with them?
Basically, yes. You don’t have to do guy things, but you do have to put in some effort. If I invite a girl to go out with the guys, that means I want her there. But you can make it less painful if you suggest doing something that you actually want to do anyway.

What clues should look for to see if the guy I’m hooking up with is hooking up with anyone else?
If he ignores your phone calls and says his phone battery died. I always have my charger with me, but it’s always a good excuse.


Denise, 27

My boyfriend’s back hair gives me the creeps. How can I get him to wax without making him feel weird?
Be honest. I’m sure there are things he doesn’t like about you. If you can hand out criticism, you’d better be able to take it.

What’s the best way to incorporate ice cream in sex?
Eat it when you’re done. One sticky mess is more than enough. And that way, no matter what happens, you have something satisfying to look forward to.

I hate my boyfriend’s friends. Do I have to hang out with them?
Only till you’re married.

While drunk, I told my date that it’s been over a year since I’ve had sex. Now I think he’s weirded out. Is there anything I should say?
Remind him that at least now he knows you don’t have gonorrhea.

I have a crush on the guy who works at the ice-cream place down the street. How should I let him know?
I’m not sure. But eating ice cream every day will probably make him worry about the future of your appearance, so try not to go in too often.

What’s the sexiest way to eat ice cream?
Flavor-dipped cone, so you can lick and bite.
 

Interviews by JL Scott. Sex Advice From… appears on Thursdays. Have questions for the general public? Send them to sexadvicefrom@nerve.com.

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