Advice

Sex Advice From Internet Exhibitionists

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"Exhibitionism has definitely spiced things up in our bedroom — I get to dress up and he plays director."

Shockingly, there are communities on the internet where people post naked pictures of themselves for a viewing audience. We found some prolific members of one such community to answer your questions about sex and dating.

"Janet"

Has posting your photos online brought you any real-life sex encounters?
Not exactly. I've been in a relationship with the same guy for more than five years and only started posting photos about a year and a half ago, so there haven't been any encounters other than with him, but it definitely spiced things up in the bedroom. I get to dress up and he plays director. 

Would you tell someone about it on the first date?
Assuming I didn't meet the person because of my photos, probably not. Although the photos are public, the process of taking them is pretty private. I consider it a bit of a personal kink — I'd have to wait until I'm pretty comfortable around the person to tell them.

Does someone who posts naked photos online have a responsibility to tell their significant other?
Absolutely. If you're in a healthy relationship, sharing things with each other is key. Hiding something like this would put a lot of pressure on you to keep it hiding it and you would be stressed all the time. If your significant other finds the photos through a friend or just by browsing the internet, it would be so much worse than being up front in the beginning; and who knows, maybe your SO would like to participate!

Have your photos ever accidentally leaked out into your real life? Have coworkers, friends or family stumbled up them?
Yeah. When I was in college, I got an online message asking me how I thought my test that day went. I was understandably freaked out and started trying to figure out who the person was. We ended up playing a guessing game and (thankfully) it wasn't my professor, but a another student who sat about a row ahead of me.

I just found out that my boyfriend once had sex with a prostitute in college, and it kind of disgusts me. How can I get over it?
It depends on a couple of things. Were you two dating when he slept with her? Did he tell you about it once you started dating, or did you find out by some other means? Assuming it's after you started dating and he told you about it, all I can say is get over it. Try talking to him about it and see if you can figure out what bothers you so much, but in the end, you're either ok with it or you're not.

My girlfriend wants my Facebook password. I don't have anything to hide, but I just don't like the idea. She's calling it a trust issue. What should I do?
She's right. It is a trust thing. She should trust that you're a good, faithful boyfriend. If she's this controlling now, I'd suggest getting out now. It's one of those "Give an inch and they'll take a mile" situations. Give in to this and she'll find more ways to take over.

I'm gay, and I'm dating someone who isn't out to his family. He's very close to them, but just hasn't come out yet. We're both thirty-two, and we've been dating for a year and a half. When I met his family, he introduced me as his roommate. I'm not sure how much longer I can put up with it, but I can't force him to come out to his family. What should I do?
I think it's time for a serious conversation. I'd say that at thirty-two, his family probably has some sort of inkling that he isn't 100 percent straight. Ask him if he has a timeline of if/when he'd like to come out. It can be really hard on a relationship when you can't be yourself around your SO and his family. If it's something he wants to keep hidden, it might be time to find another boyfriend. Keeping secrets from the people closest to you is never a good idea.

"James"

Has posting your photos online brought you any real-life sex encounters?
Yup! Posting online is what build up my confidence enough to go and perform in porn. My first "date" with a guy was as a result of posting on a gay forum.

What are the benefits of dating an internet exhibitionist?
We usually know a lot more about sex than the standard internet-goer and we are usually more open-minded to new things in the bedroom. A lot of exhibitionists, however, can be needy; their exhibitionism is actually just a cry for attention. But most of us aren't like that. We're a friendly, happy bunch of people who love to show off our bodies to get other people off.

Does someone who posts naked photos online have a responsibility to tell their significant other?
Not particularly. Being naked is nothing to be ashamed of, and anyone who mocks their partner for being naked online needs to do some growing up. Exhibitionism isn't just about showing off, it's about boosting self-confidence and it would be selfish to forbid your partner from posting pictures of themselves online.

I just found out that my boyfriend once had sex with a prostitute in college, and it kind of disgusts me. How can I get over it?
The prostitute was just a woman — like you — and he probably regrets it as much as you hate it. It's important for you to get over it if you think you have a future with this guy. You need to focus on why you hate it so much, isolate that feeling, and move past it — if you love him enough, it won't matter.

My girlfriend wants my Facebook password. I don't have anything to hide, but I just don't like the idea. She's calling it a trust issue. What should I do?
Don't give it to her. Ever. This is a general message to anyone in a relationship or going into one: never accept that your partner is allowed into your private life. If they can't trust you and aren't willing to talk about why they want to control you, then they are not for you. 

I'm gay, and I'm dating someone who isn't out to his family. He's very close to them, but just hasn't come out yet. We're both thirty-two, and we've been dating for a year and a half. When I met his family, he introduced me as his roommate. I'm not sure how much longer I can put up with it, but I can't force him to come out to his family. What should I do?
Being gay/bi myself, I can say that you can't push him, but you need to make sure he know that he can't hide it forever. Most of the time, gay men who don't come out don't believe that that they "have to," and it's easy to keep putting it off. It is important, and his parents need to know, but all you can do is be there for him when he eventually does it — he's going to need someone to come to and talk about it. Besides, they probably think that their son is gay already.One-and-a-half years with no girls and only a "roommate?" That's not fooling anybody.

"Nancy"

Has posting your photos online brought you any real-life sex encounters?
Posting my photos online was, unknowingly, my introduction to an awesome community of people.  Exhibitionists, artists, musicians, voyeurs, you name it. You really get to know people rather intimately and, occasionally, meet someone that makes you want to remove the mask of anonymity and say hello. TL;DR — yes.

What are the benefits of dating an internet exhibitionist?
I'd say it depends on the expectations of the people involved. If someone enjoys the idea of having me to themselves, while I'm displaying myself otherwise, and vice-versa, then great, it's hot! Of course, along with benefits, there are risks. I think it's only fun if both partners are in on the fun, and not just one. 

Would you tell someone about it on a first date?
Trying to picture yourself sitting down in a restaurant on a first date, discussing being naked on the internet, is rather difficult. I probably wouldn't go out of my way to announce that there are photos of my nude self on the internet. I wouldn't hide it, but it's kind of akin to discussing politics on a first date; do you really want to jump in both feet first on such a sticky issue? Perhaps. Not likely, though.

Does someone who posts naked photos online have a responsibility to tell their significant other?
Probably not so much a responsibility as it is a courtesy. Worst-(ish) case scenario, it comes up at some inconvenient time in the future, and your SO is shocked or confused or whatever. I'd rather them know about it than have their buddy link to one of my photos. I would hope that everyone has enough trust in their relationship to open that kind of dialog. 

Have your photos ever accidentally leaked out into your real life? Have co-workers, friends or family stumbled upon them?
Yeah. A couple of friends had recognized my jawline (of all things?), and my Canucks jersey was a dead giveaway to people who know me. I half-expected someone to recognize me eventually and thankfully, they were really cool about it!

I just found out that my boyfriend once had sex with a prostitute in college, and it kind of disgusts me. How can I get over it?
I think most people did some pretty dumb stuff in college. If you think you were above that, well, you may have a lot more disappointment coming your way in life. Talk to him about it, work it out. Forgive him, or don't. You can't change what already happened, but you can certainly work on resolving your issues for the future. 

My girlfriend wants my Facebook password. I don't have anything to hide, but I just don't like the idea. She's calling it a trust issue. What should I do?
Red flag! There's a huge line between trust and privacy. She should never expect you to just hand over something private when she asks for it because it's a "trust thing." Everyone needs their space. Obviously this is not a black-and-white issue, but as far as Facebook passwords go, it's probably only the beginning. For the sake of your future, please learn how to say "no" in the most respectful, matter-of-fact way possible. 

I'm gay, and I'm dating someone who isn't out to his family. He's very close to them, but just hasn't come out yet. We're both thirty-two, and we've been dating for a year and a half. When I met his family, he introduced me as his roommate. I'm not sure how much longer I can put up with it, but I can't force him to come out to his family. What should I do?
The kind of stress this puts on your relationship must be difficult. First, I'm sorry — that is a terrible situation. Second, you're right in not putting pressure on him to come out — all you can do is support him and let him make his own choices. However, you should talk with him and let him know how much of an issue this is for you, and how much of a strain it's putting on your relationship. Coming out to family is hard, but it's not impossible. Good luck to you both!

Want to meet someone who may not themselves be an internet exhibitionist, but is open to the principles of internet exhibitionism? Try Nerve Dating.