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Sex Advice from . . . Internet Tech Support

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Heather, 24
www.myspace.com/flux138

How can I pick up an internet tech support worker?
Cigarette breaks. Internet tech support can become very frustrating and make some people cranky. When a support rep is on their cigarette break, that’s their chill time away from ignorant customers, so you want to get them at that moment, when they’re in a good mood.

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I’m a guy who’s having a hard time reaching my sexual peak with the girls I’m sleeping with. What can I do about this?
You’re not really interested in these girls, are you? If you’re not comfortable openly discussing your likes and dislikes in regards to sex, then the sex isn’t going to be that great. If communication doesn’t work, have her give you a blowjob with her finger in your ass.

My ex-boyfriend spread ugly rumors about me online. I have some nude pictures of him. Should I post them on my MySpace page in retaliation?
A lot of women are vindictive, but I’m not one to get revenge. It’s called karma. What goes around comes around, and you shouldn’t stoop to his lowlife level.

How can I have a successful one-night stand without falling for the guy?
Don’t spend the night. I thought I was going to have a one-night stand with one of my coworkers about a month ago. We only knew each other from work, and the very first night we hung out, I had sex with him with every intention of leaving right afterward, but I didn’t. Instead, I spent the night and then totally fell for him. Now we’re living together.

My boyfriend’s parents caught us getting it on when they came home early. How can I be in their presence again without it being terribly awkward?
I’m a blunt person. I would need to clear the air. Ask to speak with them privately, and apologize. Let them know you feel you’ve disrespected their home and ask for forgiveness. And don’t date guys who live their parents.

Kyle, 32

I’m having sex with my boss and I want to end the relationship. He seems like a rational guy. Is there any way I can do this and not get fired?
I would tell him he needs to get tested for herpes because I just tested positive. I doubt he’ll be very into you after that.

Sex in the office after hours: super-skeevy or super-cool?
Super-cool, very hot, two thumbs up.

How can becoming an internet tech support worker make me better in bed?
For me, finding the right maneuvers during oral sex is a lot like trying to remove nasty malware from a server. You kind of know where to start, you know where you want to go, but you have absolutely no freaking idea how to get there. So it’s a lot of trial and error. And when all else fails, Google it. Chances are someone else out there has better ideas than you.

My ex-boyfriend spread ugly rumors about me online. I have some nude pictures of him. Should I post them on my MySpace page?
Well, don’t use MySpace. They won’t be very durable. You can host your own website for less than three cups of Starbucks a month. And with free web editors available these days, you don’t even have to know how to build a website. Hell, drop me a line, I’ll build it for you.

How can my boyfriend and I rejuvenate our fading sex life?
A trip to your local adult novelty store can do wonders. Explore each other’s fantasies. Personally, I like to be tied up. There’s something incredibly erotic about letting my girlfriend do whatever she wants to me and having absolutely no control over it.

How can I pick up an internet tech support worker?
Um, have a pulse? Most techies are geeks, we aren’t too picky. Finding us can be the tricky part. Look on Craigslist or Facebook. The nice thing about most people who work with computers, besides being nice guys, we tend to make a good living.


Ariella, 21

I’m having sex with a coworker in a workplace where that’s verboten. How can we make sure no one finds out?
Resist the temptation to have a quickie at work, and don’t overreact when he interacts with other coworkers.

Sex in the office: Super-skeevy or super-cool?
Super-cool. I actually wrote about different places you can try it in an article called Office Sex.

Have you had sex in a lot of offices?
Can a journalist do a story without investigating first?

My boyfriend and I broke up. While we were separated, I hired a male escort. Now we’re back together. Should I tell him about the escort?
Do you really think he’s going to tell you about all the crazy, wild orgies he had while you were apart? I once had a “friend with benefits” break up with his girlfriend for a week, solely to have a romp with me. Trust me, you can play your boyfriend better then he’s playing you.

How can I use tech-support strategies to fix problems in the bedroom?
First, make sure the system is turned on. Second, ensure that your work area and all gadgets are thoroughly cleaned.

My ex-boyfriend spread ugly rumors about me online. I have some nude pictures of him. How can I get revenge?
Go to an internet cafĂ©. Take the pictures with you on disk. Create a new email address that’s fairly anonymous. Copy and paste his boss’s email from his company’s website. Embed photos and send. Happy revenge!

How can I have a successful one-night stand without falling for the guy?
Remember all the times you’ve been screwed over by a man, then go for it.


Roi, 23

I’m a guy who’s having a hard time reaching my sexual peak with partners. Why can’t I orgasm?
This usually happens because something’s on your mind. Juice yourself up beforehand, look at some online porno while the girl’s getting ready. Priming is the way to go.

Sex in the office after hours: super-skeevy or super-cool?
Super-cool. All over the keyboard.

What can internet tech support teach us about relationships?
On the internet, if you’re having problems with your connection, you can pull the plug, then later plug it back in and it should work fine. With your partner, this will not work.

My boyfriend and I broke up. While we were separated, I hired a male escort. Now we’re back together. Should I tell him about the escort?
Yeah, tell him about the escort and all the STDs you accumulated. No, definitely not. For the rest of his life, whenever you seem bored, he’ll worry you’ll just go rent some other sex partner on the side.

How can I have a successful one-night stand without falling for the guy?
Don’t allow yourself to think “what if.” Don’t talk about your life or his life too much. Don’t call him later to ask him how he’s doing or for anything besides setting up a meeting for the purpose of doing something dirty.

How can I get though my sexual dry spell?
Moisturize daily.
 

Interviews by Simona Kogan. Sex Advice From… appears on Thursdays. Have questions for the general public? Send them to sexadvicefrom@nerve.com.

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