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Sex Advice From Jiu-Jitsu Fighters

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Brenda, 27 (white belt)

I’m an attractive woman, professionally successful and physically fit, yet I have trouble getting dates. My male friends tell me men find me intimidating. How can I make myself more approachable?
Contrary to what many people think, men like strong women. Be confident in yourself and the rest will follow. But if you always tend to take the lead, try laying back a little when you’re in potential dating arenas.

Sometimes I get hung up on work worries and other issues and have trouble concentrating during sex. How can I stay focused?
If you’re concentrating on other issues during such an intense act, you may want to re-evaluate how interested you are in this person.


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My girlfriend is a lot more muscular than me, and she’s always bugging me to start working out. I’m happy being a scrawny. If she’s putting so much work into her body, am I obligated to do the same?
Absolutely not. If you’re happy with yourself and your appearance, don’t change a thing. And if you’re feeling insecure about how you look now that she’s buff, do something to make yourself feel better physically. But do it for yourself.

My boyfriend likes me on top, but I can’t stay there for long before I start getting tired. What exercises can I do to improve my stamina?
Hip-ups — lie flat on your back with your feet on the ground and bring your hips up again and again. This is basically what sex is, so if you want do this exercise with your partner mounting you, you could kill two birds with one stone.

I did some porn in college for money and I just found some pictures of myself on the internet. I’m afraid my girlfriend will discover them. Should I tell her about them?
Nowadays it’s way too easy to find things on the internet. You should probably play it safe and tell her exactly what you did. It may save you from a serious blow-out later. Everyone has skeletons in their closet.


Erik, 25 (brown belt)

I have a selfish lover. After she comes, she’ll just get up and head for the shower instead of reciprocating. How can I get her to get me off too without just flat-out asking?
Don’t let her orgasm until she does it to you. Keep the fight going, so to speak, by bringing her close but not finishing her off until she brings you to orgasm first. Then proceed to make her come. Whether consciously or unconsciously, she’ll start to pick up on how this reward system works.

I’m a girl who wants my boyfriend to have anal sex with me. He thinks that’s gross. How can I get him more comfortable with that area of my body?
The most important thing is to get that area waxed. I am a fan of the Brazilian wax. Hair there will almost surely make him never want to be down there again. Then explain to him how to do it right. Men always want to think they’re the best you’ve ever had, and some guys are scared to try something new that they might not be good at.

Sometimes I get hung up on work worries and other issues and have trouble concentrating during sex. How can I stay focused?
I believe meditation is the key here, and I don’t mean sitting cross-legged and chanting. You can practice this skill all day long, by trying to be present in whatever it is you’re doing. I find that focusing during sex is not hard for me. However, if it were, I would attribute it to the inability of my partner to capture my interest.

I’m thinking about taking some martial-arts classes. Can jiu-jitsu help me become a better lover?
I don’t date many girls who train in martial arts, but there have been a few times that we would be wrestling around playfully, and I would use jiu-jitsu to put me in a position to use my mouth, fingers or penis. Sexual positions are limited only by the laws of biomechanics and your imagination. As Bruce Lee once said, “Absorb what is useful, discard the rest.”

Anita, 36 (white belt)

My boyfriend likes me on top, but I can’t stay there for long before I start getting tired. What exercises can I do to improve my stamina?
Squats, baby, all day long. Or try getting up from a kneeling position into a standing position over and over again. Mounting your partner and having them try to throw you off will do wonders for the legs.

What jiu-jitsu moves can I bring into the bedroom?
The Kama Sutra could have been inspired by jiu-jitsu. The key word here is submission. I would go for the back. Your legs are hooked into your partners’ so your chest is up against his back. Your hands are free at this point to choke his neck and make him submit, but feel free to choke something else.

I have trouble concentrating during sex. I get hung up on work worries and other issues. How can I remain focused on the act at hand?
Focus is one thing, but you also have to be relaxed, so don’t go confusing the two. If you’re not relaxed in jiu-jitsu you get your ass kicked and you miss all the fun and it’s definitely not challenging or very exciting for your partner. Like training, with sex you have to check your troubles outside the door.

I did some porn in college for money, and I just found some pictures of myself on the internet. I’m afraid my current girlfriend will discover them. Should I tell her?
First, it sucks to be you right now. Perhaps you could do a little touch-up with Photoshop. Add some jizz to the pictures or something. Make them as hot as possible.

Ze, 33 (brown belt)

I’m a girl who wants my boyfriend to have anal sex with me. He thinks that’s gross. How can I get him more comfortable with that area of my body?
If he really doesn’t want to, it’s going to take some time. You have to say, “Listen, it’s not disgusting. I promise you’re going to like it.” And the girl must make sure to be very, very clean. And it must be with a condom. If he really loves you, he’ll do it.

I’m thinking about taking some martial arts classes. Can jiu-jitsu help me become a better lover?
Jiu-jitsu is amazing for sex. You can use it for light play, you can use it to apply a lot of pressure, you can choke your girl — lightly, of course. Then, after you come, you relax a bit, and play with the girl using some fun jiu-jitsu moves. Before you realize it, you’re making love again.

I did some porn in college for money, and I just found some pictures of myself on the internet. I’m afraid my current girlfriend will discover them. Should I tell her?
Yes, even though you might lose her over this. You weren’t balanced at that time in your life, so now you have to pay the price. When I was young I had a lot of women. My friends and I would always go to parties in Brazil, and I’d party and I’d fuck around, until people in my town would say, “Don’t go with Ze, he has a lot of women.” When I finally found a nice woman I wanted to be with, I told her about how I was before, that I was fucking around all the time. And she liked that I told her the truth.

My girlfriend is a lot more muscular than me, and she’s always bugging me to start working out. I’m happy being scrawny. If she’s putting so much work into her body, am I obligated to do the same?
It depends. Just because a guy is skinny doesn’t mean he’s weak. A lot of big guys aren’t natural, and a lot of skinny guys are stronger. The most important thing is to eat well, drink a lot of water, don’t use drugs and be healthy.


Interviews by Megan Miller. Sex Advice From…appears on Thursdays. Have questions for the general public? Send them to sexadvicefrom@nerve.com.


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