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Sex Advice From John Mulaney
The stand-up comic and Saturday Night Live writer on erotic self-portraiture, hooking up at the office, and having sex like seals.
by Alex Heigl
You write for Saturday Night Live and you perform stand-up comedy as well. Which do you think gets you more attention from the ladies?
I think the words "I write for Saturday Night Live" are a lot more alluring than "I'm a stand-up comic." In terms of attention, though, being a stand-up is really the best, because you can stand there and women can look at you and see the way your body is shaped. But if you were to just cold-call women, Saturday Night Live is just much sexier; it has the word "Saturday" in it, which is very sexual.
And "night." I don't know why I ignored "night" because that's probably the sexiest word in the name of the show.
What's the best way to seduce John Mulaney at a bar?
Walk up, look me dead in the eyes, and say "You'll do."
You say that you're influenced by Jack Benny, Burns & Allen — the older school of comedy. Did comedy used to be more alluring, sexier even, when it wasn't as "blue?"
I think so, because most of the entertainment industry was so looked down upon that being a stand-up comic was just a step above being a male prostitute.
Do you think of yourself as a male prostitute?
I think of myself as a conversational, storytelling, non-sexual male prostitute.
Is the SNL writers' room rife with sexual tension?
Absolutely. The combination of sleep deprivation, fear, coffee-drinking, and chronic stomach problems creates a very sexually charged environment.
What do you think about hooking up at the office?
I think it can sometimes ruin work relationships, but it's good to keep the work atmosphere erotically charged with things like bossa nova music and passionfruit — it keeps morale up. For example, sometimes in the middle of writing something, I'll very slowly wash and consume strawberries.
How often does something from your love life make it into your stand-up or an SNL sketch?
Occasionally — I have some jokes about my girlfriend in my stand-up. In terms of SNL, I don't really think much of my personal life spills into that.
When you do jokes about your girlfriend in your stand-up, is that a point of contention for her?
No, although she was recently recognized with me. I was riding the elevator, and she was with me, and someone said they liked my special, and then they looked at her and said "And you must be his Jewish girlfriend." So she's achieved a kind of minor celebrity on our elevator.
So your love life isn't off-limits in your comedy. What is?
I don't like to give out my social security number in jokes or sketches.
My friend's wife always seems to be flirting with me, especially when he's not around. What should I do about this?
I'd get one of those teddy-bear cameras — the Nanny-Cam — and then I would stand in front of it and film myself saying "Your wife is trying to fuck me." And then I would give him that tape.
My long-distance boyfriend and I have phone sex regularly, but he wants me to start making videos for him. I make it a rule to not have any compromising material floating around on the internet, but I want to do what I can. Thoughts?
You could exchange erotic drawings, which I think is always a great way to spice up a relationship. I enjoy leaving crude renderings of myself that I made with a marker clenched in my fist littered about for my various lovers. The cruder, the better — I can't stress that enough when it comes to erotic self-portraiture. Too refined a style just takes away from the thrill of it.
As long as we're on aesthetic issues, when it comes to nether-region grooming: trim, shave, or wax?
For who, men or women?
Everyone should wax all of their body hair and have sex like seals. And when I say seals, it's important to note that I mean the large, walrus-like things that live in the ocean, not the R&B singer.
He's probably doing pretty well.
Well, that's what his whole schtick would have us believe.
My boyfriend's told me his "number" several times, and each time it's been different, sometimes radically so. Is it immature for me to make this an issue?
Perhaps he has the disease from the movie Memento, where he has no short-term memory. In that case, I would ask him to provide an accurate figure, and then have that figure tattooed on him.
I'm a bit more on the prim side, and so guys tend to "friends-zone" me from the minute they meet me. What can I do about this?
Oftentimes, men will say, "I'd love to get erotic with that woman, but she seems too prim and proper." This is something I hear on the street literally all the time. What she needs to put out there is that she has a rich inner erotic life. And you can do this — as I mentioned before — by eating passionfruit, playing bossa nova music, or slowly washing fruit, because not only is it erotic, but afterwards, you have clean fruit to eat, and that’s an excellent source of antioxidants and free radicals.
Are you seeking someone to listen to bossa nova music with and conspicuously wash strawberries in front of? Try Nerve Dating. Just don't say "You'll do."