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Sex Advice From Johnny Knoxville and Chris Pontius
The Jackass 3D stars on self-confidence, period sex, and the hottest pubic-hair styles for fall.
By Kelly Bourdet
What’s the best thing about having sex with a Jackass cast member?
Johnny Knoxville: It won’t take that long. You can have the rest of your day to do whatever you want.
Chris Pontius: You don’t have to worry about us falling in love.
My girlfriend thinks that porn is cheating. I told her I stopped, but I didn’t. I hate having to lie. How can I tell her to stop taking porn so seriously?
CP: Does she keep you on that tight of a leash? The tighter the leash, the more you’re going to want to break it. That is best advice I could ever give a girl for keeping her guy from cheating. If you feel like you’re in a cage, you’re going to want to break out of it.
I’ve been having a lot of one-night stands. How often do I have to change my sheets in between each girl?
CP: It depends if you’re cheating or not. If not, it’s up to your own discretion.
JK: That time of the month figures into it as well. You can’t have it looking like the Tate-LaBianca house when a girl comes over.
Which brings us to: I hate that I have to stop having sex with my boyfriend every month. What’s the best way to make a guy get into period sex?
CP: Tell him to stop being such a pussy. He’s the one who has a problem with it — maybe you should think about who you’re spending your time with.
JK: That’s the sign of a real crazy person, not wanting to have sex with a girl when she’s on her period. So, I’d probably lose the dude.
CP: You know, maybe you prefer not having sex during her period, but if that’s what’s there, if there’s dressing on the salad…
JK: The heavier the flow, the longer we go.
CP: It only stays as a lubricant for so long and then it becomes an anti-lubricant. It looks neater on your wiener, though, when it’s dry.
I’m twenty-seven and I’ve had sex with nine people. How many partners is too many?
CP: If you’re doing it for the wrong reasons, then one is too many, if you’re not — if you just like sex — then there’s no “too many.”
What are some things to keep in mind when you’re having drunk sex?
CP: Once you’re having drunk sex, not much. You should probably keep some things in mind before you start. Once you’re having drunk sex, remember the same thing you would during not-drunk sex: don’t come inside the girl. Don’t ever come inside a girl. When a girl tells you she’s on the pill that’s cool — if you are married to her, and you don’t really mind if she gets pregnant anyway.
JK: Another thing to keep in mind when having drunk sex: say, “Please stay hard, please stay hard, please stay hard.” That kind of repetitious thing really helps. Because otherwise you’re just kind of shooting pool with a rope. I mean, we’ve all been there.
I got drunk and cheated on my girlfriend of three years. It was a one-time thing, but I feel like an asshole. Do I tell her?
CP: No. Because you’re telling her to settle your own conscience. You’re not telling her for her. If you cheated on her, and you feel bad about it, just keep it in mind and don’t do it again. You made a mistake. Give yourself a break, and don’t do it again.
I am debating grooming options for fall. What do you think: full-bush, landing strip, or Brazilian?
JK: One of the worst things to happen to vaginas in many, many years is the bald Brazilian look. You need something down there. And don’t clip it all cute. Don’t give yourself a little landing strip. A Hitler mustache is a real mood killer, too. Go for a nice triangle, maybe with the tops of the triangle cut off a little, but have some hair down there, ladies.
CP: I’m not against it being bald; I like to discover the variety, but you know what’s weird? Sometimes a girl will have an Allen Ginsberg, like a long goatee, but a little curved. I’ve seen that a few times. Everything’s shaved except for that little billy-goat beard.
JK: Like Loomis Fall? I ran into a character in Portland once who was bellybutton to butthole and hip to hip.
CP: I remember you telling me about that.
JK: It was like a putting green, but way hairier. It didn’t upset anything, though.
CP: I don’t like when the bush is really gnarly though, like when it’s constricting around your wiener. It can get too gnarly.
JK: We feel very passionately about this.
I’m glad that you guys are going to bat for those of us who are au natural.
CP: I don’t like an Allen Ginsberg either. I don’t like it on Allen Ginsberg or on a vagina.
JK: You probably don’t like Rasputin either.
I’m dating someone out of my league. How do I not get dumped?
JK: You’ve got to have a positive mental attitude and a little self-confidence, you jerk.
CP: You need real confidence. I’ve known some guys who were fat — not the most attractive guys in the world but who were just so confident that they’d get a lot of girls. That was why. When people have real confidence, they don’t have to say anything or brag or be cocky — it just emanates from them. The confidence of a polar bear, you know? That’s one of the most attractive traits in the world.