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Sex Advice From Jon Stewart Ralliers

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Q: What makes for better sex: restoring sanity or keeping fear alive? A: I’ll go with keeping fear alive.

Jenny, Laura & JenniferJenny, 22, Chapel Hill, NC
Laura, 22, Chapel Hill, NC
Jennifer, 22, Winston-Salem, NC

Why is a political rally a good place to meet sexy singles?
Laura: Because you spend hours standing around each other, it’s a great place to make small talk.
Jennifer: You’re all similarly tired.
Jenny: You know people are generally like-minded if they’re at the same place as you. Sometimes they’re not wearing so many clothes; I saw someone in a full spandex bodysuit. It’s a little obscene but I kind of liked it.

According to cable news, conservatives are closeted homosexuals and liberals are amoral sluts. What would you say are the moderates’ sexual vices?
Jennifer: Are they in a constant state of identity crisis?
Jenny: I reckon. Back and forth between one gender and another.

What does a protest sign tell you about a person as a lover?
Jenny: It tells you how much effort they put into their lovemaking. They’re going to spend two minutes on a sign made out of cardboard about five minutes before the event? Skeptical. If you put it on some nice printer paper and you’ve got it all laid out, ooh…
Laura: Different colored sharpies, very important.

What makes for better sex: restoring sanity or keeping fear alive?
Jennifer: Maybe we need to be kind of moderate on this one.
Jenny: Nope, no moderation. Fear! Restoring sanity in the bedroom? That sounds all kinds of boring.
Jennifer: Communication, man!
Jenny: Communication is key. You’ve got a safe word, right? Good to go.
Jennifer: Sanity is sexy too.
Jenny: No, sanity is not sexy. Fear is sexy. Difference is sexy.
Jennifer: All right, all right. I guess we’ll just agree to disagree on this one.

My girlfriend of six months invited me to her parents’ for Thanksgiving. I’m an unapologetic socialist and her dad watches Fox News twenty-four-seven. How do we survive the weekend together?
Jennifer: Don’t open your mouth.
Jenny: Talk about the weather. Talk about sports, maybe, kind of. Generally sports. Don’t get too specific.
Laura: I was going to say build a fort in the next room and just take care of Thanksgiving dinner there.
Jenny: A fort. That’s a good idea.
Laura: Yeah, you can just make up some excuse about how, you know, you have some form of agoraphobia.
Jennifer: Also, you’re having sex with her, not him! It should be about the food, not the politics.

My partner’s Foursquare shows that she’s been to a lot of diners and cafes in her ex’s neighborhood lately. Do I confront her or lie about it and pretend to know nothing?
Jenny: What is a Foursquare? I don’t know what that is.
Jennifer: It’s an internet thing where you check in with your GPS.
Jenny: Oh and you track people? That’s terrifying!
Jennifer: You check in to places.
Jenny: I say anyone who’s on Foursquare, don’t date them. If you’re on that system…
Jennifer: You should not move here, Jen.
Jenny: Okay, done. [wipes hands clean] I won’t GPS myself. I like to remain a little bit of a mystery.

If the Glenn Beck was a sex act, what would it be?
Jennifer: Head in ass. Requires maximum flexibility.
Laura: It’s just me hiding in the closet, yet again with my fort thing.
Jenny: You really want to build a fort, don’t you?
Laura: I like forts!

Sometimes when I'm out with friends, I flirt and don't bring up the fact that I have a girlfriend. I'll let it go as far as possible without cheating. Is this wrong?
Jennifer: What do you define as “cheating” or “wrong?”
Laura: I guess if you and your partner have decided what “cheating”means, you don’t breach that.
Jenny: And them there polyamorous couples, they make their own rules about what they’re allowed to do.
Jennifer: They’re probably fine with it if you’ve defined it within the relationship.
Jenny: I don’t give a flip if someone flirts with somebody else while I’m dating them, if I’m not within the immediate vicinity. If I’m, like, right next to you, that might be a different thing, but in general, yeah, go crazy.

My last boyfriend had a signature move that I really want my new boyfriend to try. How do I tell him?
Jenny: You use your words.
Laura: Use your words! This is the keyphrase of this weekend: “use your words.”
Jennifer: You’re an adult; use your words.
Laura: When you’re in a group and someone wants to get by you, you use your words. You say…
Laura & Jenny: "‘Scuse me…"
Laura: "Can I get by you?" You don’t just push.
Jenny: I mean, as long as you’re not like, “My old boyfriend did this and it blew my mind. Do you mind trying it like…”
Laura: You can leave out all of those details about how it was your ex.
Jenny: Say it in a breathy voice: “Ooh, move my leg…”
Jennifer: [imitating] “Say it in a sexy breathy voice…”
Jenny: Hey, man, it works. I’ve tried it.

I'm a forty-two-year-old woman dating a twenty-year-old man. None of my friends understand it, but our connection is real. Are we bound for disaster?
Laura: I mean, it’s legal!
Jennifer: It is legal. You’re not gonna get a lot of approving nods, but you know…
Laura: Do what you want. If it doesn’t work, then you learn from it.
Jenny: I say get you some of that.
Jennifer: I think it was James Taylor who said “If it feels nice, don’t think twice.”
Jenny: I’m going to live by that.

It's a long, lonely ride back home on the crowded public bus. How do I spot that special someone to keep me company?
Jenny: See, you want to be careful, because you don’t want to be that person on the bus who’s like, “Hey hey hey… can I get your number?” and trying to talk to them and they’re like “I have my iPod in.”
Laura: “I need a nap.”
Jennifer: I guess if people give you the eyes when you get on a bus.
Jenny: It’s all about eye contact.
Jennifer: Maintaining eye contact.
Laura: Right, but you have to be a little bit withholding so that you don’t freak ‘em out at first.
Jenny: Right, someone who’s not staring you down, but…
Jennifer: Shy glances.
Laura: And make sure they vaguely seem to be your age… ish.
Jenny: …ish.

DanDan, 25, Long Beach NY

Why is a political rally a good place to meet sexy singles?
Mainly because they’re obviously passionate about the politics, so one would naturally assume they’re passionate all over.

According to cable news, conservatives are closeted homosexuals and liberals are amoral sluts. What would you say are the moderates’ sexual vices?
Probably pornography addiction. More importantly, an indiscriminate pornography addiction. Like it doesn’t really matter what’s happening as long as it’s sexual in nature and on a screen, they’re really, really into it. I mean there’s a lot on the internet, and they’re into [whispers] all of it, you know?

What does a protest sign tell you about a person as a lover?
They really want to show you that they’re really into it. And enthusiasm counts, but at the end of the day there’s a natural talent that’s needed. They’ve obviously got a point they really want to drive home, and if that’s not something you’re into, there might be a bit of a conflict.

What makes for better sex: restoring sanity or keeping fear alive?
I’ll go with keeping fear alive. I mean, it’s just more fun that way. No one ever goes, “Man, oh boy, I totally didn't go crazy in the bedroom last night. That was awesome!” Keeping fear alive is exactly what safe words were invented for!

My girlfriend of six months invited me to her parents’ for Thanksgiving. I’m an unapologetic socialist and her dad watches Fox News twenty-four-seven. How do we survive the weekend together?
By avoiding politics as a topic altogether and/or lying.

My partner’s Foursquare shows that she’s been to a lot of diners and cafes in her ex’s neighborhood lately. Do I confront her or lie about it and pretend to know nothing?
I question why you’re checking up on your girlfriend’s Foursquare that much, but I would make it come up fluidly in conversation and then say “What are you doing in that area a whole bunch?” Still, that just seems weird of you. She’s checking in to these places, but as long as she’s not, like, checking in to her ex-boyfriend’s apartment, I'd say you can’t get mad at someone for hanging out in a particular neighborhood.

If the Glenn Beck was a sex act, what would it be?
Something I dare not say! I’m pretty sure there’d be a goat involved. [stretches out collar like Rodney Dangerfield] Yeee…

Sometimes when I'm out with friends, I flirt and don't bring up the fact that I have a girlfriend. I'll let it go as far as possible without cheating. Is this wrong?
No! I mean, if you don’t do anything, you’re not doing anything. That’s generally the rule I go by, because what’s the difference between friendly casual and flirty? It’s a very thin line. A blurry line. If you’re being friendly, it’s not your fault if someone decides they want to touch your privates.

My last boyfriend had a signature move that I really want my new boyfriend to try. How do I tell him?
In the throes of passion. Usually with dirty language in a very demanding tone. Just outright, “Right there, just like that, uh-huh.”

I'm a forty-two-year-old woman dating a twenty-year-old man. None of my friends understand it, but our connection is real. Are we bound for disaster?
As a guy who’s frequently interested in older women, I completely understand, and if it doesn’t work out feel free to give me a call!

It's a long, lonely ride back home on the crowded public bus. How do I spot that special someone to keep me company?
Follow your nose! Avoid pee smells.

ShimonShimon, 30, Tuscon AZ

Why is a political rally a good place to meet sexy singles?
People are motivated, they're excited, everyone’s in a good mood which actually breaks the ice, and there’s nothing weird about going up and talking to people who you really have no business talking to. Frankly, once you can start a conversation, that’s two-thirds of the battle.

According to cable news, conservatives are closeted homosexuals and liberals are amoral sluts. What would you say are the moderates’ sexual vices?
Vice is an interesting term. Kinsey taught us that pretty much everyone does everything, so I don’t think you really want to put a “vice” term on that. “Vice” implies that beer and sex are bad, and I don’t happen to subscribe to any of those notions. I think moderates range the spectrum, from being closeted or having mundane lives of passive resistance to enjoying every aspect of their lifestyles. In many ways Keith Richards could be considered a political moderate. From his recent biography we learned that nothing in his life was… well, at least sex and drugs-wise, nothing was moderate, but politically he probably would fall that way.

What does a protest sign tell you about a person as a lover?
It shows me how willing they are to put themselves out there and to take certain risks.

What makes for better sex: restoring sanity or keeping fear alive?
I think restoring sanity. As exciting as it is to keep fear alive, you look at your more oppressive religions in their pure form, your Catholicism, religions that talk about sin, where there’s a lot of fear involved, you do see a lot of reflexive sexual activity, where people are breaking out of that mold. That’s great, but with more moderate religions, you see a much more accepting style and there’s not a lot of shame involved.

My girlfriend of six months invited me to her parents’ for Thanksgiving. I’m an unapologetic socialist and her dad watches Fox News twenty-four-seven. How do we survive the weekend together?
Do you like her? I would moderate. Tone down your stuff. Have her warn her dad about you, in moderate terms. Try to achieve a good balance.

My partner’s Foursquare shows that she’s been to a lot of diners and cafes in her ex’s neighborhood lately. Do I confront her or lie about it and pretend to know nothing?
I wouldn't worry about it. Knowing a neighborhood well doesn’t imply that you’re doing anything, and frankly, if someone’s checking in on Foursquare, they’re being pretty obvious if they’re trying to sneak around.

Sometimes when I'm out with friends, I flirt and don't bring up the fact that I have a girlfriend. I'll let it go as far as possible without cheating. Is this wrong?
When I was in college, I was dating one girl and kind of trying to date another, and I used what I called “The Kendra Standard.” Kendra was this friend I had who was an adorable little lesbian, and so we had no interest in doing anything, but we would occasionally share a bed because she was hanging out. I decided that anything that I would do with Kendra, I would do with this girl, because that’s not technically cheating. But the first chance I got, I dumped the girlfriend and starting dating this girl to whom I was trying to apply the Kendra Standard.

My last boyfriend had a signature move that I really want my new boyfriend to try. How do I tell him?
“I read about it in Cosmo.”

If the Glenn Beck was a sex act, what would it be?
It has to be a teabagging of some variety.