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Sex Advice From Juggalos
BY JUSTIN JUUL
“Dirty Byrd,” 25
I’ve got my eye on a Juggalo, but I’m not a Juggalette. Should I just give up?
No, that’s fine. My friend Cliff is with this little tiny girl who keeps to herself. I think she actually works as a librarian. It really doesn’t matter. There’s no, like, hard criteria for it. I guess if you’re part of the family it’s easier, but nobody’s going to turn you away for being an outsider.
What's the best way to pick up a Juggalo?
I don’t know if there really is a best way. We’re all pretty perverted, I guess. We like tattoos and piercing and all that — goth-looking girls, you know.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve seen at a Juggalo event?
Oh shit, where do I start? I was at a Miss Juggalette Pageant one night and I saw a girl get onstage and shove a twelve-inch kielbasa up her neden hole. Juggalos can’t dance, you know? So I guess they got to do something.
Wait, what’s a neden hole?
Oh, we call vaginas nedens.
Do Juggalos have sex in clown makeup?
I don’t — my girl’s not into that kind of shit — but that’s actually a pretty big thing with Juggalos. I was talking to one of my homies the other day and he was like, “Yeah, we got all painted up and made a porno last night.” So it happens, definitely. I remember back in 2003, 2004 there was tons of it around, just like bootleg Juggalo porn. People all painted up. It was pretty crazy.
I've been getting serious with a guy. The more I get to know him, the more I realize he’s super Christian. I'm not even a little bit. Should I end it?
No. If you love a girl, then that shouldn’t matter. Unless she’s, like, all gung-ho and trying to convert you. Then maybe you can kick her to the curb. Most things are cool with Juggalos. I’ve seen dudes with 300-pound girls with facial hair and it’s all good. Big, fat, bald, retarded — it’s all good with us.
I was really into this girl. Recently, I looked through her iPod and noticed it was nothing but Ke$ha and Lady Gaga. Is "terrible taste" an okay reason to break things off?
No. But it’s a good reason to just make fun of them.
My girlfriend hooked up with one of her girlfriends and I got mad. She said it didn’t count as cheating, but I’m pissed. Isn’t it cheating no matter who it’s with?
I guess if it was a drunken bar night, it wouldn’t be that big of a deal. Girls do stuff like that, you know. But if you come home and they’re all over each other on the couch, you’d probably be within your rights to get a little pissed. If they ask you join in, that could be another story, I guess. But I’m not too into lesbians to tell you the truth, so I’d probably be a little angry.