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Sex Advice from . . . Kickball Players

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Mikey, 24

What skills do kickball players have that can be applied in the bedroom?
The handling of the ball. Especially if you’re a pitcher, you’ve got to caress it, be slow at times, grip it just right and have good hands.

Is it okay to date someone on a rival team?
Yes. Very Romeo and Juliet, very hot, very romantic.

promotion

I hate my girlfriend’s friends, but I love her. Is our relationship doomed?
Friends play a huge part, especially in relationships that are all-encompassing. If you want a person to be a part of your life, they have to get along with your friends.

I recently slept with a woman only to find out that I’d slept with her roommate a year ago. Turns out this woman knew I had slept with her roommate and didn’t say anything to me about it. That’s weird, right? Should I not see her again?
It depends on how well they know each other. Roommates . . . yeah, that’s kind of weird. But if something is working between you two, then it just depends on the relationship between her and the roommate. If the roommate is cool with it, I don’t see a problem.

I finally convinced my boyfriend to have sex outdoors, but he was too nervous to finish. How can I get him to relax?
A little substance abuse. Tell him that the outdoors can be private, no one’s going to see us, don’t be neurotic. Make him feel comfortable by saying that it’s you and him and that’s it.

Mikey How can I dispel sexual rumors about me, particularly the ones that are true?
Sleep with the gossip and do everything uncharacteristic of you. That person will then blanket the whole sexual landscape with this newfound information.

I average about two or three dates with every girl I go out with. They always tell me I’m great, and sometimes they offer to set me up with friends, but they’re never interested in dating me long-term. What could I be doing wrong?
Dating the wrong girls. I don’t know what girls want because I’m a guy and I date guys. But most of my girl friends like the same shit that guys like: cute, smart, a little bit sexy. Just don’t give them everything at once — you want to keep a little mystery to prolong it.

What’s the best way to get a kickball player to go home with you?
Pretend you’re playing kickball, and as you kick the ball, fall down beneath them, look up and say, “I must have just fallen from heaven. Do you want to go on a date with me?” That would get me because I like the types who spout goofy lines.


Jamilla, 20 Jamilla

How can I tell my teammate that our hookup was a one-time-only thing?
If it’s your kickball teammate, they should already know. That should be beyond the first thing decided when you hook up with a kickball teammate.

Say I didn’t hook up with them but rejected their drunken advances. Should I talk to him or her about that afterwards?
I’d say forget it. You don’t want to talk about that, man. Let it go.

How can I dispel sexual rumors about me, particularly the ones that are true?
You’ve got to get somebody to spread better, different rumors about you. You’ve got to employ a team of people and make sure the word gets out — a PR team. You can’t do it on your own.

I hate my girlfriend’s friends, but I love her. Is our relationship doomed?
That’s kind of rough. But you have to try. You can definitely have time with just the two of you, but you have to respect the fact that she’s friends with them, and they were there first. If you’re vocal about [your hate], it’s not going to work out.

Is there a way I can subtly sabotage their friendship?
No way. It’s chicks before dicks. That won’t work out at all.

I average about two or three dates with every girl I go out with. They always tell me I’m great, and sometimes they offer to set me up with friends, but they’re never interested in dating me long-term. What could I be doing wrong?
Try to make the fact that you’re interested apparent in the very beginning. Be suave. Try a little harder on those first couple of dates, put a lot of effort into them. Oftentimes the first couple of dates are super-casual, so you’re going to remember the man who, say, brings you a flower on that first date.

That’s not too much?
If it was a giant bouquet and a teddy bear that talked, with a big bow on it, and it came with candy, that would be awkward. But a flower, that seems classy to me.

Rob, 26 Rob

What skills do kickball players have that can be applied in the bedroom?
Absolutely none except for shit-talking.

It’s good to shit talk in the bedroom?
Yes. It’s amazing. You have to.

What should I be saying?
“Fuck me harder. Fold me in half.”

That’s shit talk?
“Deeper! Harder! I can, like, feel you real deep in me. Put another finger in my ass!”

I accidentally gave my boyfriend’s balls a hard squeeze during foreplay. How can we recover from that situation? Can I still get laid?
You can recover from the situation by leaving the house as soon as possible. And you can get laid by dating other people at a later date. It’s not funny.

I’m getting together with a girl who just got out of a bad relationship. What precautions should I take?
She’s going to be really insecure, so you’ve got to go slow and be real honest with her at every turn.

I got jitters and dropped out of a threesome last minute, after we were already naked. What can I do to apologize to the couple?
Communication is key with any kind of relationship, even with a threesome. You’ve got to be able to say, “Yo, my bad. Maybe another time, maybe not. But we can still be friends. And the next round is on me.”

My girlfriend gets insulted whenever I give her some guidance while she’s giving me head. How can I instruct her in a way that doesn’t say, “You don’t know what you’re doing?”
In the heat of the moment, just whisper something like, “Put it down your throat more.” You’ve got to do it at the time, and you’ve got to be nice about it. You can’t just be like “Psh. Hey. Don’t do that.”

What’s the best way to get a kickball player to go home with you?
Date ’em. I date one of my teammates and I’m going to fuck her after the game today, too.

Desiree, 27 Desiree

What skills do kickball players have that can be applied in the bedroom?
Kickball players have to have good arms and good thrusting action in their legs. If someone is really good at kickball, they’re going to be able to throw you around.

My friend tried to hit on me while drunk and I had to delect his advances. Should I talk to him about that afterwards?
I would make fun of him the next time I saw him. I’d say, “Wow, that was really awkward.”

What if this keeps happening?
If it keeps happening, I would tell him to shut the fuck up.

I slept with a crush of mine while he was still dating someone. Now they’ve broken up, and it looks like he and I are going to get together. How can I keep our relationship from ending the same way his past relationship did?
I was just in that situation and was called a “fucking bitch” for it, so I don’t have the best advice for that. I would say beware. If you know he’s done it in the past, chances are, he’s going to do the same thing to you.

Is it okay to date someone on a rival team?
Well, one of the teams is called The Makeouts, so I think with them you kind of have to. You have to make out. And I think it would make it more fun actually, to be like, “I got you, bitch.”

My boyfriend is a lot better looking than I am. He gets lots of attention and I resent it. How can I deal with this.
You make him ugly.

Like cut him?
Yeah, you cut him — no. You make him break out. Tell him to wear a bad outfit: “Dude, this is awesome. You can totally work that.”

I finally convinced my boyfriend to have sex outdoors, but he was too nervous to finish. How can I get him to relax?
I just wouldn’t accept it. I think I would take this as an obvious statement that he’s not as wild as I am, that he’s kind of a pussy. When it comes down to it, it sounds like with that boy, it’s going to be missionary every time.

I’ve been really stressed out lately and it’s affected my sex drive. How can I get myself back into sex?
What actually does it for me is reading a Bukowski book. I know he’s not very nice to women or anything, but Women — that book is a huge fucking turn on. It makes you want to have sex.

When talking with my current significant other about my ex, how much information is too much?
I think too much information is when the ex is across the bar, and you’re like, “He was really good in bed, but he kind of sucked in other areas, so we had to break up.” Never bring up the bedroom performance. My ex-boyfriend, he was going to buy his ex-girlfriend’s bed from her, and I was like, “Unacceptable.” He didn’t get why this was an issue.

What’s the best way to get a kickball player to go home with you?
Drink a lot of beer at the game. Drink a lot of beer after the game. And tell them that even though there were a lot of balls out there, theirs were the best ever. Boost their ego and they’ll go home with you.
 

Visit www.brooklynkickball.com

Interviews by Kate Sullivan. Sex Advice From… appears on Thursdays. Have questions for the general public? Send them to sexadvicefrom@nerve.com.

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