Advice

Sex Advice from . . . Knitters

Pin it
 REGULARS
Sex advice...

  Send to a Friend
  Printer Friendly Format
  Leave Feedback
  Read Feedback
  Nerve RSS

Anne-Marie, 30

Can knitting get me laid?
It’s not what you knit, but what you wear when you’re knitting it. My boyfriend has always loved the fact that I knit, and you’d think it’s because I’m happy when I’m knitting. It’s not. It’s about whether I’m in my underwear or not, knitting in our chair at home.

I have a crush on a guy. Should I knit something for him?
My friends and I thought it would be hysterical to knit a penis cozy for someone, though we didn’t want to insult the guy because it wasn’t very big.

promotion


How about for my significant other?
Every girl eventually knits her boyfriend a scarf. That’s just the classic boyfriend gift. If you’re married you can knit him a sweater, but if he’s a boyfriend, never knit him a sweater. He’ll dump you before it’s done. Any yarn-store employee will tell you this. I went into a yarn store, and they asked why I was buying yarn, because they always get into it with you, and I said it was because I wanted to make a sweater for a boyfriend. They said, “We can’t stop you from buying this, but unless you’re engaged, don’t do it.” Sure enough, I got through the back of the sweater, and when I started on the front we broke up.

My girlfriend has a “work boyfriend” she goes to lunch with. I know it’s not sexual, but there’s definitely an element of flirtation. Is this inappropriate?
Absolutely inappropriate. That’s an emotional affair. She’s obviously not getting what she needs from her boyfriend. It’s looking outside of your relationship for something that doesn’t exist there. I don’t think people take pride in monogamy anymore. People are afraid to be happy and they’re always looking for ways to fuck it up.

What information should I put in my online personal ad and what should I leave out?
Leave out as much information as possible. People write whole paragraphs about themselves. I met my boyfriend online, and we both had one sentence that described who we were looking for. Mine read: “Man Knitter: Serious Inquiries Only.”

Does he knit?
No. [Laughs] But I think online dating is great. Take it with a grain of salt and have a little fun. Nothing disturbs me more than seeing someone write two paragraphs about how they like sunsets as opposed to sunrises. I mean, give me a break. If you need to write that down to figure out who you are, fine. Don’t make it public. In fact, sum it up in one word. Find a good dictionary.

Erin, 26

My girlfriend attends a knitting group at a local bookstore, but I stopped by the bookstore the other day and found out the knitting group switched nights. Is she definitely cheating on me?
Not definitely, but if she is, using a knitting group as an excuse is pretty lame. Ask her if you can sit in on the group. Say, “I really like what you’re doing and I’d love to see what it’s all about.” If she gets a little touchy, she’s probably cheating and it’s time to find another knitter. Or maybe someone who crochets. Crocheters are more faithful than knitters.

What’s the best way to hit on someone I know is out of my league?
You don’t want to throw a line at someone who you know is out of your league, because if they’re kind of a dick that just gives them fuel to make fun of you.

How much downtown grooming should people do?
It’s different for men and women. Some men don’t like to do any as long as they’re clean down there, and that’s okay. Some women like just a little bit and some don’t do much of anything. It’s all a personal preference. But everyone should do some level of grooming down there to keep it neat and in control. You don’t want dreadlocks going on.

While away on a business trip, I cheated on my boyfriend with a colleague who’s now leaving my firm. I’m never going to see this other man again and I have no intention on cheating again. Do I have to tell my boyfriend?
If it was a one-time thing and you know that you’re never, ever going to do it again, then no. Making yourself feel better by getting it off your chest will only make your significant other feel like crap.

I’ve just started dating a virgin. I feel like he’ll eventually want to sleep with more women. I’d like him to do so now, before I get too attached, to get it out of his system. Is this crazy?
I’ve been in this situation. Sleeping with people becomes almost competitive. It was like, “I’m ready now. Oh wait, you slept with more people while we were broken up? Then I’m not ready . . . ” After the third time I got back together this guy, I had become aloof about the situation. I was jaded. And he kind of got tired of my being aloof. And it did not end well. Though we did sleep together after breaking up.

Earl, 29
www.earlpatrick.com

What public places are best for picking up chicks with my knitting?
Airplanes, airports and nursing homes.

Another knitter told me you’re not supposed to knit a boyfriend a sweater because he’ll leave you before it’s done.
For a hand knit, I think anytime is okay. Well, maybe not on a first date. But a sweater is kind of a commitment thing. You might want to make sure you’re pretty serious before you give someone a sweater. I’d recommend a good hat.

The first three times I had sex with this guy I really like, it’s been horrible. We’re just not in sexual synch. What can I do?
Demonstrating what you want is a good way to get it. Even if you’re not telling the person, “This is what I want,” if you’re doing it to them, their likely to pick up on it and reciprocate.

My boyfriend has never had sex outside of the bedroom. What’s the best place to introduce him to public sex?
Living in the Pacific Northwest, maybe I’m biased, but I think the great outdoors is a better bet than the bathroom at your favorite restaurant.

I slept with a friend when my girlfriend and I broke up. We both decided it meant nothing. My girlfriend and I are now back together and my friend is being a real bitch to her. How can I solve this problem without telling my girlfriend what happened?
If I were Ann Landers, I would have an answer for this. Actually, if I were Ann Landers, I’d probably yell at you for sleeping with your friend in the first place.

It’s true. And forget about that public sex question.
She didn’t field a lot of those, did she?

Lily, 43
www.lilychinsignaturecollection.com

Is there anything sexy I can knit for my significant other?
Definitely. We have a line of lingerie on the market right now. If you’re working with something especially luscious, and it feels good against the skin, you could always wear that as underwear. I, myself, have knitted a few bras. That always feels great when you’re working with a soft, sensual yarn.

How can knitting improve my sex life in general?
If you have really yummy yarn, you can nuzzle that significant other with yarn during sexual relations. And did you know that the stuff you grease up with in bed, you can also use on your knitting needles? It makes them real slick and smooth, makes your work go faster.

The woman I’m seeing is more publicly affectionate with me than I’m comfortable with. How can I tell her to cool it without losing her interest?
I think sometimes discreet PDA is sexier than open PDA. Describe to her more discreet ways of doing it. Instead of having her slobber all over you, have her do a footsie job under the table.

My boyfriend shaves his pubic hair and touching him makes me feel like a pedophile. Is that my problem, or should I ask him to grow his hair out?
If you feel like you’re making love to a child that is your problem, and you might want to say something. But for me, it’s not so much the child-molesting thing as the stubble issue.

My boyfriend told me too much about his sex life with his ex. Now when I see her in the neighborhood, I can’t shake the idea of them together. How can I get over this?
Invite her for a threesome. That way you’ll feel like you were a part of it instead of feeling left out.

I came out to an old high-school friend while we were drunkenly catching up over Christmas break. I totally regret telling her now — she’s a terrible gossip. What should I do?
Definitely act like you were joking. She should not be the first to know.

Once I am ready to come out, how should I go about it?
Throw a big coming-out party. Let your parents know right before the party so they’re not too shocked and they can celebrate with you. 



Interviews by Kate Sullivan. Sex Advice From… appears on Thursdays. Have questions for the general public? Send them to sexadvicefrom@nerve.com.


Previous Sex Advice

 

©2006 Kate Sullivan & Nerve.com, Inc.