Sex Advice From Kristen Schaal and Rich Blomquist

The comedians and authors of The Sexy Book of Sexy Sex on pubic hair, Amish people, and when it’s time to call a sexorcist.

Sex Advice From Kristen Schaal

By Kristen Schaal and Rich Blomquist

My ex-boyfriend had a signature move that I’d really love to get my current boyfriend to try. How do I tell him?

Kristen: Say that you had a dream the other night that he was doing you upside down like an oil drill, or whatever signature move was your ex's, and ask him to make it a reality.

Rich: That way your current boyfriend can take credit for going into your dreams and inventing the move, like some kind of sexual Freddy Krueger — which is much better than being asked to fuck you like your ex-boyfriend.

My boyfriend is bi and wants to have a threesome with his gay friend. I'm down, but what should I do as a girl to not throw off the gay guy's mojo?

Kristen: While they’re having hot gay sex together, you can whip up some appletinis in the kitchen. Probably best to stay out of their way.

Rich: You might want to invest in a fake mustache, just to be safe.

I've been on a few dates with this smart, funny, and totally cute girl. Each time, she's ended up wasted. Last night, we split two bottles of wine at dinner, and then she picked up a six-pack on the way home. I don't want to preach, but I'd also like for us to have breakfast in bed when she's not nursing a hangover. How can I talk to her without coming off like an asshole?

Kristen: Take her to a place that doesn't serve booze, like a museum or Amish Country (or an Amish museum!) If she's cool with a sober date, mention that you'd like to have more. She might just be drowning major crush nerves.

Sex Advice From Kristen SchaalThe dude I'm sleeping with has a series of strange pre-orgasm rituals that are a total turn off — we're talking eye-rolling and Pentecostal grunting, like he's speaking in tongues. How do I get him to stop without interfering with his ability to get off?

Rich: Are you sure that evil demons aren’t actually taking control of his body?  You may need to contact a sexorcist.

Kristen: Yeah, I would also be extra careful to use birth control. We don’t want more of Satan’s spawn roaming the earth than we’ve already got!

I’m twenty-seven, and I’ve had sex with nine people. How many sex partners is too many?

Kristen: Ah, you're nervous about the impending double digits. I would say when you can't remember how many lovers you've had, it's time to slow down.

Rich: Or, you can keep a running list of all the people you’ve slept with tattooed on your body. Turn yourself into a sexual Stanley Cup!

Kristen: It’s a pretty good metaphor considering there will probably be a few hockey players on there.

My boyfriend and I have a question. When you’re cuddling, how do you decide who gets to be the “inside spoon,” and who has to be the “outside spoon” – ie, lose all circulation in his arms?

Kristen: Rock paper spoon. Best two out of three.

My girlfriend is demanding that I trim my pubic hair. I think it's unfair, since I think she's sexy no matter what she does down there. She claims that it's not an option for her to stop trimming, since society holds women to different standards. I agree, but still don’t want to shave my balls? Who's right?

Kristen: Well, society is not forcing your girlfriend to trim her pubes. No one sees her pubes but you, hopefully. She shouldn't be the boss of your balls . . . but she is. Shave for her one time if you love her. But make her wear the pube shavings in a locket around her neck so she’ll never forget what you did for her.

Rich: Don’t forget that shaving is a proven technique for making your junk look bigger. Even average penises can disappear in a forest of pubes. Not every lady is a forest ranger.

I've been hooking up with a guy who's hot, great at foreplay, and always makes sure I get off. But in the last two minutes of intercourse, he busts out the dreaded jackrabbit. I don't want to ruin a good thing, but how can I stop his humping-bunny impression?

Rich: Keep a plastic coyote in your bed.

What are some things to keep in mind when you're having drunk sex?

Kristen: Drink lots of water.

Rich: Make sure you’re not in an Amish museum.

Commentarium (35 Comments)

Oct 01 10 - 12:22am
bearman33

What's wrong with having drunk sex in an Amish museum? That's hot and exciting, especially if you can do it behind a statue of Jacob Amman.

Oct 01 10 - 1:48am
Anon

Bearman, I think I heart you.

Oct 01 10 - 8:13am
SR

GOOD LORD, have we not heard enough about Kristen Schaal!?! I mean, she's funny and her work is great, but that doesn't mean you need to pull a Lennie Small on her.

Oct 01 10 - 10:38am
mudpie

aw,love these two.

Oct 01 10 - 11:11am
Pop Culture Blows

i'm so tired of the anti-pubic hair thing... sorry, i like my girl's pussy to look like a woman's, not a five-year-old's. Perhaps this unfortunate trend says something about the hidden desires of our society...?

Oct 01 10 - 11:47am
Z

@ Pop Culture Blows, why do you think that a large majority of women aim to be super skinny as opposed to curvalicious? It probably runs in the same vein.

Oct 01 10 - 12:25pm
puddy time

sorry pop culture, me and most of the guys I know like to see the pudenda. not completely bare or anything, just nice and short in the important areas. makes for much more pleasant browsing. And I personally think a guy shaving his balls is very unmanly, but at the same time, every once in a while, you have to clean up. that goes for everywhere: pits, legs, crotch.

Oct 01 10 - 1:17pm
bearman33

I taut I taw a pretty twat, I did, I did see a pretty twat.

Oct 01 10 - 2:04pm
ted

Perhaps Z and Pop Culture Blows could explain why men like big boobs.

Oct 01 10 - 2:25pm
mpb

Indeed, Pop Culture Blows. Our society has hidden desires to perform oral sex without having to spit out hairs, and to be able to go for an 11-mile run without having your crotch feel like a bad day in the rain forest. You figured it out.

P.S. I dunno if shaving one's balls in "unmanly" (last time I checked, having balls was kinda manly in and of itself), but my boyfriend has gotten the full wax job twice and it was . . . amazing. His balls have never been licked, sucked, and fondled so much. Not because I hate public hair, but because the smooth texture was just awesome. But maybe his enjoyment of that was kind of unmanly. I'll ask if he felt like having a hot woman suck his balls made him feel girly.

Oct 01 10 - 2:46pm
mr. man

ah, love me some kristen. that was funny. pube locket!

Oct 01 10 - 2:48pm
ztsmith22

Amish actually know how to party pretty hard. Sending her to Amish Country would be like sending a diabetic to a candy store.

Oct 01 10 - 2:48pm
mr. man

also, my balls are gloriously smooth when trimmed. i must agree that trimming for all is good - less hairs in the mouth. hairs get sweaty!

Oct 01 10 - 4:27pm
Sudsy

I support amish sex and hairless lady parts. This is final.

Oct 01 10 - 5:51pm
waxed his balls?

@mpb your boy waxed his balls? jesus christ that must have hurt! their all loose and the pulling... i just threw up a bit in my mouth

Oct 01 10 - 5:52pm
jaycee

Tried the ball-shaving once. That was OK, but the itchiness was not a good thing.

Oct 02 10 - 12:56am
bearman33

I wonder if girls shave during Rumspringa.

Oct 02 10 - 6:38pm
Anon

I think waxing the balls is a bit much.. Or the waxing of any southern region, OUCH! And shaving with a razor can cause itching and iritation when growning back. I think atleast a very short trimming with a beard trimmer for all is the best way to go! Still looks "adult", no itching or razor burn, usually no hair getting in the others mouth, etc...

Oct 03 10 - 2:49am
hma

There's nothing worse than giant bush--and I'm talking guys, since they're the only people I have sex with. I'm not asking them to shave down there, but I do expect trimming.

Oct 03 10 - 11:09pm
Jess

I'm with you, Pop Culture man.

Oct 04 10 - 10:10pm
Julie

Personally, my boyfriend likes when I shave. He says it's much nicer to not have all that hair in his face or rubbing against his crotch. Trimming is good, but it can feel like stubble and can get irritating. I'm not sure why some people on this site (Pop Culture) equate a shaved pubic area to young children. I think there's something wrong with you if THAT'S the first thing you think of when you see a shaved crotch.. Yuck. I wonder if Pop Culture wishes women didn't shave their legs and armptis either?

Oct 05 10 - 12:06am
bearman33

If there's grass in the infield, play ball.

Oct 06 10 - 3:34am
littledanko

A shaved vagina is almost as much of a turn-off as breast augmentation surgery. Keep it real, ladies.

Oct 06 10 - 12:25pm
bearman33

I like shaved vaginas and fake tits. Don't keep it real ladies.

Oct 07 10 - 12:25pm
LambChop

I like LESS HAIR on myself, and write about it here:
http://adulter-us.com/2010/08/hot-wax-bring-it-on-baby/
I do think that it's sort of "to each (couple) his own" and everyone prescribing for everyone else what it "should" be is a BIT MUCH, really. That being said, here is my pronouncement:
YES, GUYS SHOULD AT LEAST TRIM. Ball-shaving is nice, it facilitates LICKING. soooooo if you LIKE YOUR BALLS PLAYED WITH, clean 'em up!

Oct 07 10 - 2:16pm
JM

I got all my pubes waxed off and found that every time I peed, It spattered all over. I think hair helps to focus the stream, especially if you're doing the public toilet squat. I wonder if other women have this happen to them.

Oct 08 10 - 8:04pm
LambChop

JM,
PLEASE don't public-toilet squat! You're fucking it up for the REST OF US. MY ass is clean when I sit down, how about yours? FOR GOD'S SAKE, sit down and pee, then wash your hands.
Trust me, it's fine.
http://adulter-us.com

Oct 17 10 - 9:53pm
spoon

Thankfully, I've never had a girlfriend who shaved all her pubic hair off. Can't stand the pre-puberty look.

Oct 26 10 - 11:00am
bogart4017

To all: Do whatever you wish but remember that hair is a filter--it catches all the dirt and germs and odor. Not only in the southern regions but on your head and your arms and legs as well

Nov 06 10 - 11:19pm
Captain Midnight

bogart4017- trapping odor is NOT a good thing

Dec 01 10 - 6:06pm
drew

I'm not a big fan of bush. I enjoy going down on a girl, and like most people, I don't like hair in my food.

Jan 03 11 - 9:27am
Red

Well, for me, i just shave my undercarriage and from the front it looks normal triangle of hair (just tidy, i'd never shave the whole lot off.. ), but I find it easier to be cleaner and its more comfortable for me AND with regard to sex...(yes i know hair is there to absorb scent and dirt etc - thats why its easier to be fresh smelling if you've not got all that hair there to absorb the urine etc) it is ten times more sensitive receiving cunnilingus if i'm shaved. Its nice if a guy trims a bit - some guys have SUCH long hair down there. Not really that fussed though if he doesn't.
I don't shave my undercarriage because of the influence of porn - it is merely for my own pleasure and comfort. If i went out with a guy who wanted my pubes to be long and au naturel - i'd not do it, because it would take away from my own pleasure.

Jan 20 11 - 11:39am
LoveKristenSchaal

Well I don't mean love her in an obsessed fan gonna stalk kind of way but I think she is a great comedian and the fact that she is not twiggy thin makes her sexy in a natural way. And I don't care were she shaves as long as she keeps being hilarious. I'd tap that just to see what kind of after sex jokes she would come up with. Now if that aint love then what is?

Jun 10 11 - 10:18pm
Xolodnyj

If the dude get to have more sex if he shaves his pubs, then sacrifice the pubs! I tell you what, that guy should make a deal... I would shave more for a little more experimentation... A win win situation.

Sep 07 11 - 7:21am
Cialis Rezeptfrei

Xo7miL Author, keep doing in the same way!!!