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Sex Advice From Kristen Schaal and Rich Blomquist
The comedians and authors of The Sexy Book of Sexy Sex on pubic hair, Amish people, and when it’s time to call a sexorcist.
By Kristen Schaal and Rich Blomquist
My ex-boyfriend had a signature move that I’d really love to get my current boyfriend to try. How do I tell him?
Kristen: Say that you had a dream the other night that he was doing you upside down like an oil drill, or whatever signature move was your ex's, and ask him to make it a reality.
Rich: That way your current boyfriend can take credit for going into your dreams and inventing the move, like some kind of sexual Freddy Krueger — which is much better than being asked to fuck you like your ex-boyfriend.
My boyfriend is bi and wants to have a threesome with his gay friend. I'm down, but what should I do as a girl to not throw off the gay guy's mojo?
Kristen: While they’re having hot gay sex together, you can whip up some appletinis in the kitchen. Probably best to stay out of their way.
Rich: You might want to invest in a fake mustache, just to be safe.
I've been on a few dates with this smart, funny, and totally cute girl. Each time, she's ended up wasted. Last night, we split two bottles of wine at dinner, and then she picked up a six-pack on the way home. I don't want to preach, but I'd also like for us to have breakfast in bed when she's not nursing a hangover. How can I talk to her without coming off like an asshole?
Kristen: Take her to a place that doesn't serve booze, like a museum or Amish Country (or an Amish museum!) If she's cool with a sober date, mention that you'd like to have more. She might just be drowning major crush nerves.
The dude I'm sleeping with has a series of strange pre-orgasm rituals that are a total turn off — we're talking eye-rolling and Pentecostal grunting, like he's speaking in tongues. How do I get him to stop without interfering with his ability to get off?
Rich: Are you sure that evil demons aren’t actually taking control of his body? You may need to contact a sexorcist.
Kristen: Yeah, I would also be extra careful to use birth control. We don’t want more of Satan’s spawn roaming the earth than we’ve already got!
I’m twenty-seven, and I’ve had sex with nine people. How many sex partners is too many?
Kristen: Ah, you're nervous about the impending double digits. I would say when you can't remember how many lovers you've had, it's time to slow down.
Rich: Or, you can keep a running list of all the people you’ve slept with tattooed on your body. Turn yourself into a sexual Stanley Cup!
Kristen: It’s a pretty good metaphor considering there will probably be a few hockey players on there.
My boyfriend and I have a question. When you’re cuddling, how do you decide who gets to be the “inside spoon,” and who has to be the “outside spoon” – ie, lose all circulation in his arms?
Kristen: Rock paper spoon. Best two out of three.
My girlfriend is demanding that I trim my pubic hair. I think it's unfair, since I think she's sexy no matter what she does down there. She claims that it's not an option for her to stop trimming, since society holds women to different standards. I agree, but still don’t want to shave my balls? Who's right?
Kristen: Well, society is not forcing your girlfriend to trim her pubes. No one sees her pubes but you, hopefully. She shouldn't be the boss of your balls . . . but she is. Shave for her one time if you love her. But make her wear the pube shavings in a locket around her neck so she’ll never forget what you did for her.
Rich: Don’t forget that shaving is a proven technique for making your junk look bigger. Even average penises can disappear in a forest of pubes. Not every lady is a forest ranger.
I've been hooking up with a guy who's hot, great at foreplay, and always makes sure I get off. But in the last two minutes of intercourse, he busts out the dreaded jackrabbit. I don't want to ruin a good thing, but how can I stop his humping-bunny impression?
Rich: Keep a plastic coyote in your bed.
What are some things to keep in mind when you're having drunk sex?
Kristen: Drink lots of water.
Rich: Make sure you’re not in an Amish museum.