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Sex Advice from . . . Last Comic Standing Contestants

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NBC’s Last Comic Standing just wrapped its fourth season. Twelve comics competed to be the last left standing on stage as America voted them off one by one. Below, four of the competitors offer advice for your sex life.

Kristin Key, 24

I’m considering dating this guy who’s the funniest man I’ve ever met. Are funny guys good in bed?
Absolutely. If you have a good sense of humor, it usually means you’re confident enough to turn awkward moments into opportunities. If he’s funny it means he’s charming, which means he can be more playful. Plus, I’m funny and I’m good in bed, so I’m assuming that funny people are good in bed in general.

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Have you ever slept with a standup comedian?
I have. It was awful. But he wasn’t funny. I assume he would’ve been better had he been funnier.

What’s the best way to introduce dirty talk during sex?
Stay with the directional: faster, slower, harder, softer, I like that, I don’t like that. Well, probably not “I don’t like that.” That’s not going to lead to good dirty talk.

What words should be avoided at all costs?
Pussy. Female genitalia words.

Like cunt?
Yes.

What could I call a man in bed that would definitely get me kicked out?
Douche bag. Bitch. Faggot. Anything emasculating like that.

I’m about to dump my boyfriend of nine years for someone else. My boyfriend is still totally into me, and he hasn’t done anything wrong, so this breakup is going to be like an axe murder. How should I do it?
I’ve done this before. Never mention the other person — ever. Make it a breakup based upon, “I cannot stay with you because it’s not fair to you. I don’t believe in the relationship anymore. You didn’t do anything wrong, but I owe it to you to get out because I’m not going to stay in this relationship when I don’t believe in it.” Blunt, clear, a little indifferent. The more emotion you show, the more emotion it stirs up. At that point, you’ve made the decision. It’s not your job to help him through it. It’s your job to leave.

What should I definitely not say?
"This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. You mean the world to me. I still love you, but I just don’t want to be with you." All those things just make them feel even sadder. You’re skirting the issue. The issue is breakup, not “let’s be sad together.”

What advice can you give for having sex with a woman during her period?
There’s a new product made by Instead called the SoftCup. Go to the website, it’s very interesting. If a woman wants to have sex on her period, you can actually have sex with this thing in and never even have to tell the guy. It’s like a receptacle. The guy can’t feel it and would never know it was there. It’s clean, it’s sanitary and you don’t have the tampon string or the mess. Other than that, unless the guy is fine with it, I’ve never found a surefire way to get away with [sex during my period]. Personally, I don’t typically have sex when I’m on my period. I’m a tampon user, so that’s three days out of the month that I’m not getting laid.

Kristin Key You have a website and a MySpace page. Do you have virtual stalkers? How do you deal with them?
I’ve been pretty good about it. If people are intimidated, typically they stay away. It’s when you give people too much of yourself, like, “Oh that’s really sweet. Aww, I appreciate that,” then they take that as, “Okay, I can get away with sending her virtual flowers.”

I find myself less and less physically attracted to my boyfriend, but I still love him dearly. Do I stick it out or jump ship?
I think you’ve already made the decision if you’re wavering about it. You can be physically attracted to someone who’s butt-ugly because you love him. So if you love the guy that much, but you’re physically less and less attracted to him, that means you’re considering shopping around. It’s an indication that your feelings are changing. Or tell him what you don’t like about him and see if he’ll fix it.

Like his beard?
Yeah, or his beer belly. Say, “I met you when you were handsome and now you’re weird and ugly. I wish you would fix that.”

I want to fuck my man with a strap-on. How can I make this happen?
Get him drunk. Convince him that it’s not a gay thing. Buy a small strap-on. Give him something in return. Give him his one fantasy. Ask him what his fantasy is and say you can make it happen.

What do you think a man would want in return for getting fucked with a strap-on?
Probably anal. Tit-for-tat.



Theo Von, 26Theo Von

What’s the best way to use a joke to get laid?
Make a girl laugh so hard she bends over.

I finally got up the nerve to ask out my longtime crush and he said no. What advice can you give me for dealing with rejection?
Reject someone else. Pass it along. Go up to a random guy on the street and say, “Yeah right, fat chance. Fuck off.” Now he feels rejected and it’s not your issue anymore.

What’s the best way to introduce dirty talk during sex?
Write down something dirty and pass it to them. For instance, if you were going to say something like, “How do you like that, you little hooker?” then maybe you can write it down first and pass it to them and see how they react. Maybe you can put, “Doesn’t that feel good, you sick little hooker?” Then put, “Check yes or no.” They check “yes,” and then you can move on to actually saying those things. I think everything is better first written.

Do you do that often?
No, but I’ve done it a couple times. One time I actually had a note ready in advance, but I had a bunch a little pieces of paper and I accidentally handed her my laundry bill. It was a real mood killer. Nobody wants to see a bill for dry cleaning while they’re getting banged.

What word or words should be avoided at all costs when talking dirty during sex?
Don’t bring up your dad, that’s for sure. You can say, “Who’s your daddy?” but you can’t say, “Who’s your dad?” I like it when girls call me an animal, but only a specific type. It has to be like, “Oh, you’re such a donkey,” or “You’re a burro.” You don’t want to be a squirrel. I can deal with being called a tiger or a lion, but not a squirrel or a mollusk.

What advice can you give for having sex with a woman during her period?
I’m not the kind of dude that really enjoys slaying the red dragon. I think it’s bad. It’s a penis, not a plug.

So you don’t even like to be near a woman during a period?
I just, that’s kind of her own thing, you know? I just give her her own space for that. Man, that shit is so foreign to me. I don’t speak “period.”

I slept with this guy I met at the bar. It was strictly a one-night stand, but now he’s calling me all the time and acting like my boyfriend. I’ve told him several times I’m not interested. How do I handle this?
You gotta take him aside and tell him to chill out. Tell him you made a mistake with the one-night stand. I might even deny the entire one-night stand. I’d be like, “I don’t even know what you’re talking about.” Tell him you’re a virgin. And if he still bothers you, call the cops.

I’ve started sleeping with my boss at work. What advice can you give me?
Get a pay raise in you can. Get a nice pen. Take advantage of it now.

So you don’t think it’s a bad idea to get involved with your coworkers?
Yes, I do think it’s a bad idea. Very much so. But banging your boss is a good idea as long as you make sure you keep some sort of collateral. Steal something of his or hers. Golf clubs. Something that means something to him. You need some sort of collateral.

I want to fuck my man with a strap-on. How can I make this happen?
Start by doing other things while wearing the strap-on. Say, “Hey, you want to go for a walk with this strap-on on?” Be like, “Do you want to go throw the Frisbee? Do you mind if I wear a strap-on while we throw the Frisbee?” And then, “Hey, let’s go out to dinner. Mind if I bring this strap-on?” Move up to actually banging with it gradually. He has to get used to it being around.

What’s a great place to have clandestine public sex that I’ve probably never thought of?
A rest area, because everyone is having sex there. You’d fit right in. Anywhere in a rest area. You’ve never hung out in a rest area? Oh my God. Rest areas are like fucking brothels. They’re disgusting. A bad place is a sandbox. That’s a bad place. A merry-go-round would be good. Just do it at night.

Rebecca Corry, in her 30s Rebecca

I’m considering dating this guy who is the funniest man I’ve ever met. Are funny guys good in bed?
No. In my experience, they have not been. They’re more focused on what their next joke is going to be as opposed to where their cock is. Maybe for those two seconds when they’re busting a nut they’re not thinking about it, but for the most part, they’re thinking about what’s funny all the time.

What words should be avoided at all costs when talking dirty during sex?
The name of someone other than the person you’re in bed with. The time that I did it, he was not happy. Confused, stunned, hurt.

Did he want to stop having sex after that?
No.

What’s the best way to introduce dirty talk during sex?
Slap them across the face first, and then say something dirty. Then it’s less shocking. Slap him and then go, “Nice balls.”

I’m about to dump my boyfriend of nine years for someone else. My boyfriend is still totally into me, and he hasn’t done anything wrong, so this breakup is going to be like an axe murder. How should I do it?
Like you’re pulling off a Band-Aid. Just say, “I don’t like you anymore.” It’s less complicated. You don’t want him to over-think it or turn around and blame himself. Just say “I.” “I don’t like you.” That’s it. “It’s not working for me. It’s over.”

What should I definitely not say?
“I need time.” Because then they think that there’s hope and it’s misleading. It’s not fair.

What are the politics on sex with a woman during her period?
It’s like lying next to someone who barfed in their sleep — if you love them, I suppose it wouldn’t gross you out that much, but if it’s a stranger, it’s kind of gross.

I’ve started sleeping with my boss at work. What advice can you give me?
First of all, good job. I would also say, don’t get emotionally attached, because if it ends, then you lose your job and your boyfriend. Just have sex, don’t get attached.

I find myself less and less physically attracted to my boyfriend, but I still love him dearly. Do I stick it out or jump ship?
Stick it out. The physical is a great part of a relationship, but it’s not everything. It all goes away eventually. Look at Christopher and Dana Reeve. Some people don’t even have the option of having a sexual relationship. They stay together because they love each other. It can come back. I think people give up too easily. It’s not a fucking movie. It’s life. You go through highs and lows, and sometimes you’re into it and sometimes you’re not fully into it, and sometimes it comes back. I guarantee this: You love someone a lot and then you break up with him because you’re not really attracted to him, the minute he starts banging someone else, you’ll fucking drive your car off a canyon.

The guy I’ve been dating for a few weeks just told me that years before we met, he served a month in jail for beating up a guy in a bar so bad he was hospitalized. He seems totally sweet and nonviolent, and he says the incident only happened because he was drunk and the guy provoked him, but I’m still a little creeped out. Should I give him the benefit of the doubt or run like hell?
Give him the benefit of the doubt and wear a mouth guard to bed. Give him a break. He got pissed. Maybe the guy [he beat up] was a total fucking asshole. If he said it was a mistake, that he just did it that one time, that he lost his temper, he’s not proud of it or whatever, then give him a break. If he murdered someone, that’s different.

You wouldn’t be concerned that he could go violent on you one day?
It depends on what the fight was about. Did some guy accidentally bump him and he just knocked him in the throat, made him unconscious and beat him in the face? That’s uncomfortable. Or did he beat the guy to a pulp because he saw this guy had a girl in a corner and was, like, groping her? If he was being chivalrous, that would be hot.

Michele Balan, in her late, late 40s Michele Balan

How can I pick up a standup comedian?
I would not say, “I have a good joke for you.” That’s the worst thing in the world. Don’t say that. Or, “You’re pretty funny.” Don’t say that either. You either say, “You’re funny,” or you say, “You’re pretty,” but not in the same sentence.

What’s the best way to use a joke to get laid?
I think most people are attracted to funny people. You see that in a lot of personals. Don’t people always say they want somebody with a sense of humor? So sense of humor is sexy, but you have to be careful. I’m Jewish. You’re not going to walk up to me and tell me, “I’ve got a great Jew joke.” That’s not good. People don’t go up to blind people and say, “I have a great Helen Keller joke for you.”

I finally got up the nerve to ask out my longtime crush and he said no. What advice can you give me for dealing with rejection?
Just be like, “Uh, it was a joke.” Then you go home and cry. But don’t let anybody see you. You go home and you kill yourself, it’s simple. You commit suicide. You don’t have to worry about it ever again. I’ve done that over and over again. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve killed myself.

Is calling a woman a bitch or whore a sure way to get kicked out of bed?
I think so. I think it’s so derogatory to women. I really do. I hate the word bitch. I know it means a dog, but nobody uses it in that context. We all know what it means, and when anybody says it, even if it comes from a woman, it bothers me. It just seems like pretty soon, they’ll take away our voting rights.

What could I call a man in bed that would definitely get me kicked out?
Small Penis? Maybe go, “Where is it? Are you in yet? What are you, a doctor? I’ll feel a little prick and then it’ll be over?”

I’m a woman with a powerful job and a huge salary. This intimidates some guys. How can I fix this?
Let them pay. Don’t take out your wallet. Keep your money for yourself, that’s what I tell all women. Let the guy pay for it, then he won’t be intimidated and your bank account will be bigger. If the guy doesn’t like it, then you should go out with your friends to fine restaurants and go with him to McDonald’s.

I’m about to dump my boyfriend of nine years for someone else who I like better. My boyfriend is still totally into me, and he hasn’t done anything wrong, so this breakup is going to be like an axe murder. How should I do it?
Wait until he dies. I’m just so bad about doing something like that when they’re so good and they love me and I have to break up with them. I’m like, how many years until they might die?

Seriously, how would you do it?
You tell them, “It’s not you, it’s me.” Just say you love them, but you just need some space. I always wish they’d mistreat me. It’d be so much easier. You eventually have to be blunt, but in tactful, kind way. You say things like, “I love you, but not as much as I should. Here’s my credit card. Go buy something pretty.”

What’s something I should not say?
“I’m not in love with you. Bye.” Or, “I met somebody else,” or “This is just not working for me anymore.” I think that person deserves more of an explanation than that. Don’t just drop a bomb.

I’m dating a guy who wants blowjobs all the time. I’m not really into giving blowjobs. What can we work out that will make us both happy?
If she’s giving him blowjobs, then he’s gotta go down on her every time she gets her period.

What’s a great place to have clandestine public sex that I’ve probably never thought of?
The restroom at Target. Wouldn’t that be fun? And then you go out and buy some nice candles at a cheap price. Buy a nice wall clock when you’re done, or a tire.

I want to fuck my man with a strap-on. How can I make this happen?
Flip him over and tell him, “You’ll feel a little prick and then it’ll be over.”
 

Interviews by Kai Ma. Sex Advice From… appears on Thursdays. Have questions for the general public? Send them to sexadvicefrom@nerve.com.

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photo courtesy Dan Buczynski