Advice

Sex Advice From Law Students

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Alexa, 23

What’s the best way to pick up a law student?
Give ’em the flopper (see Murphy v. Steeplechase).

My girlfriend of four months whispered, “I love you, I love you” as she came. Do mid-sex proclamations count? Is she embarrassed because I didn’t say it back, or was it just one of those lady-orgasm things?
Everyone knows mid-sex proclamations don’t count. Think about it this way: contracts that are signed while one party is under duress aren’t held valid in court because that party wasn’t in the right state of mind to make the contract in the first place. Think of your girlfriend as having been under duress before orgasming — a beautiful, exquisite, enjoyable state of duress.

alexa

My law-student boyfriend sleeps with his textbooks more than me. How can I convince him to make time for me without sounding like an insensitive prick?
The most important thing for a law student is getting the most amount of work done in the least amount of time possible. So why not turn sex into an educational activity? Ask him what his favorite case that he’s reading is, and then dress up as something from the case. (Suggestions: the mother and Justice Blackmun in Roe v. Wade; a willing student and the big, bad school board in Brown v. Board of Education). You can talk dirty to each other by citing facts from the case as you go along. Your boyfriend will appreciate the extra study time, and you’ll finally be able to get off.

I’ve got a total hard-on for this girl in my study group. She’s quiet, sexy, and smart as a whip, but I don’t want to screw up a good working relationship. What should I do?
Go for it now, because pickings at law school are slim and if you wait too long, she might just get snatched up by some other hungry constitutional law student who fantasizes about having sex in the Court Reporter stacks. I once had a fellow studymate suggest that we wait until the end of the semester to get it on, and even offered consideration for the contractual promise to abstain until then. Two days later I went out with another law student. Don’t be that fool who turns down your only drop of water in a desert.

I’m in love with my boyfriend of three years but have a wandering eye. I don’t want to cheat, but I don’t want to break up with him either. Any legal advice on how to renegotiate our contract?
As the influential contract scholars of the twenty-first century like to say, cheating isn’t illegal or a contractual breach if it’s written into the contract. Consider negotiating for an open relationship. I’ve got a hunch that after you’ve been around the block, you’ll want to renegotiate for an exclusive relationship again; the grass is always greener on the other side. Good thing contract law allows for endless modifications!

My long-time girlfriend just confessed her interest in exploring BSDM. She’s into being tied-up and hit. I’m totally not into it but feel obligated. Do I have to? Any sex tips?
If you’re not into it, don’t do it. You’ll come off more like some farmer trying to tend his sheep than a dude giving his mistress some violent S&M. Why not get her a pearl thong or something instead? Slightly kinky, but doesn’t require any serious acting (or action) on your part.

What’s an automatic dating dealbreaker for you — something that should be constitutionally outlawed?
Being cheap, not buying a girl drinks, etc. I know the 14th and 19th Amendments entitle all peoples (and genders) to equal treatment under the law, but that doesn’t mean a lady doesn’t enjoy being taken care of sometimes. I can be a feminist and still appreciate free liquor, can’t I?

Monty, 27

What’s the best way to pick up a law student?
Study drugs. Adderall typically works best. Pretty soon the student will be completely dependent on you. Then, do with him/her as you will.monty

Why do law students make the best lovers?
Because we know all the legal ways to sodomize someone.

What’s the best law-student equipment, book, or piece of knowledge to bring into the bedroom? And how do you use it?
The Penal Code. For the following reasons: 1) it lets you know what positions are legal; 2) most are compact and with a little lubrication can fit nicely into a human orifice; 3) you can say you had “penal sex” last night; and 4) it gives all you S&M freaks ideas for punishment.

I’m in love with my boyfriend of three years but have a wandering eye. I don’t want to cheat, but I don’t want to break up with him either. Any legal advice on how to renegotiate our contract?
A threeway should be your first course of action; introduce a stunt cock into the mix. Tell him that you’ve been fantasizing about it for a while and want to try it out. When he says “no,” tell him he’s being insensitive, then sulk. When he approaches you, discuss taking a “break.” You should say that it’s not that you want to fuck other people (you obviously just want to fuck other people), but you need some space in order to know whether you were meant to be together in the long run. With him feeling assured you don’t want to go out and participate in gang bangs, you should be able to go out and participate in gang bangs with impunity. Take a month or two and then reassess.

I’ve been hooking up with a guy who’s hot, great at foreplay, and always makes sure I get off. But in the last two minutes of intercourse, he busts out the dreaded jackrabbit. I don’t want to ruin a good thing, but how can I stop his humping-bunny impression?
The dude gets you off (which is cool), but he’s having trouble getting himself off in the end. Don’t you see: you may be the problem. Here is the solution: mix up the positions and talk dirty to him. He clearly likes it a little rough, so slap him across the face, kick him in the nuts, and yell out some dirty, dirty things. Another option is to just tell him you get off better during slow sex and you prefer that your labia don’t hang into the toilet the next morning.

My long-time girlfriend just confessed her interest in exploring BSDM. She’s into being tied-up and hit. I’m totally not into it but feel obligated. Do I have to?
Something tells me this chick isn’t necessarily into the “caring boyfriend” type. Call it a hunch. My advice is to give it a try. Your girlfriend was honest with you. You could respond with honesty and express your reservations. If she still wants to do it, then beat her ass as she wishes. However, the two of you should discuss exactly what she wants done. You should also have a safe word. I like “Maximillian.”

Nicholas, 24

What’s the best way to pick up a law student?
Pose as a particularly generous student-loans officer.

My law-student boyfriend sleeps with his textbooks more than me. How can I convince him to make time for me without sounding like an insensitive prick? nick
Well, think of it this way: If you’re like my last girlfriend, then the only thing you like more than some quality cuddle time with your boyfriend is cash money — so let the boy study!

I’m in love with my boyfriend of three years but have a wandering eye. I don’t want to cheat, but I don’t want to break up with him either. Any legal advice on how to renegotiate our contract?
If my girlfriend told me she wanted to fuck other dudes as well as me, I would be like, Breach of Contract, bitch. That is, if I didn’t also want to bone hot strangers and/or if I didn’t love my girlfriend all that much. Best of luck with your horniness and guilt.

My girlfriend of four months whispered, “I love you, I love you” as she came. Do mid-sex proclamations count? Is she embarrassed because I didn’t say it back, or was it just one of those lady-orgasm things?
If you love her, tell her that some time when you’re not boning her. If you do not love her: Don’t. Say. Shit. Let her force the issue; she’s the one who proclaimed her love one time while she was coming. Also, as a general rule, an “I love you” emitted during sex doesn’t count.

I’ve been hooking up with a guy who’s hot, great at foreplay, and always makes sure I get off. But in the last two minutes of intercourse, he busts out the dreaded jackrabbit. I don’t want to ruin a good thing, but how can I stop his humping-bunny impression?
“The last two minutes?” my girlfriend says. “Lots of dudes are like that and the rest of us just put up with it.” So chin up?

My long-time girlfriend just confessed her interest in exploring BSDM. She’s into being tied-up and hit. I’m totally not into it but feel obligated. Do I have to?
If you really don’t want to tie her up and hit her, you should tell her that you really don’t want to hit her or wear leather underpants or whatever. If she’s not receptive to your reservations, or tries to start a fist fight, I’d be out of there. If she says, “You’re not a caring boyfriend because you won’t hit me” then you should just bounce. That line of reasoning doesn’t hold up.

What’s an automatic dating dealbreaker for you – something that should be constitutionally outlawed?
Speaking respectfully or enthusiastically of Jonathan Franzen, especially The Corrections. This indicates that you are dating a reprehensible fool.