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Sex Advice from . . . Librarians

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Eric, 40

What is the best way to pick up a librarian?
Show that you’re smart and well read. Go to the reference desk and ask a question about feminist themes in some contemporary novel.

My partner and I want to have discreet sex in the stacks. How can we do this without getting caught?
Do it early in the morning or late in the evening. Pick a section of the library that’s not the most popular, like cookbooks, which would be in the TX call-number range.

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I’m a single mom who wants to have a no-strings sexual relationship. Any pointers?
It doesn’t make a lick of difference whether you have kids or not. There are zillions of guys who are looking for just this kind of relationship. Just get a babysitter and go hang out at a club or a coffee shop. Tell your guy friends what you’re after — chances are they’ll oblige or know someone who will. And I guarantee if you post an ad on Craigslist that says “single mom looking for NSA sex,” you will be overwhelmed with replies.

I’ve started making more money than my boyfriend. It’s making him insecure and adversely affecting our sex life. How do I reassure him that money doesn’t make the man?
How is it playing out? Is he getting more aggressive or more passive? Is he having trouble getting it up? If he’s feeling threatened by your earning power, reassure him that you are still his slut. Tell him you’ll give him a blowjob for ten bucks. Let him restrain you. Play up your sexual neediness. On the other hand, if he’s taking out his frustration by going on a sexual power trip, tell him to chill out.

I’m a femme lesbian who’s attracted to other femme lesbians. Recently a friend told me I wasn’t “embracing the full spectrum of my erotic potential.” Is she right or is she full of it?
She’s full of it. Who is she to tell you who to have sex with? Sounds like your friend is either judgmental or wants to fuck you but isn’t femme enough for you.

Everyone says I’m the “librarian” type — shy and quiet. As a result, I don’t have any romantic prospects. What can I do to put myself out there?
There are lots of men out there who are interested in the shy-and-quiet type! If you’re not the kind of person who’s comfortable making the first move, there are plenty of internet sites out there where, if you advertise yourself as the shy-and-quiet type, you’d get a lot of responses.

What is the sexiest word in the English language?
Pussy. Especially when a woman uses it. Drives me crazy.

Emily, 32

My partner wants to try role playing, but all those cop/convict and nurse/patient scenes feel too corny. What can we do?
Role-playing doesn’t have to be so costume-y. Meet at a bar, get really drunk, pretend you’re looking for a one-night stand and go fuck in the alley.

There’s this girl I really like, but once we got in the sack, the sex turned out to be awful. Is she a lost cause?
Give it a few more chances, and see if she’s willing to take some direction. Not just, “A little to the left. Now harder!” kinds of directions. Explain to her exactly what you want and how you want it. If she’s a fast learner, keep her around. If it doesn’t improve, turn her loose. You don’t want to be saddled with a girl who can’t ride the pony.

What is the best way to pick up a librarian?
Offer to carry her books.

What is the sexiest word in the English language?
Asparagus. It’s a beautiful word, and a really nice phallic object.

I’m a femme lesbian who’s attracted to other femme lesbians. Recently a friend told me I wasn’t “embracing the full spectrum of my erotic potential.” Is she right?
As someone who’s been accused of being a lipstick librarian, I say this is rubbish. Those labels are completely arbitrary. There’s no point in going out with someone who doesn’t turn you on.

My partner and I want to have discreet sex in the stacks. What section should we do it in?
The bound-journal collection is a nice setting for library loving.

Matt, 29
badfaggot.livejournal.com

What are your favorite works of erotic literature?
Samuel Delany, the science-fiction writer, has this great book called Hog. It’s one of the most outrageous sexual fantasies that you can imagine. It’s really violent, really dark. You’re reading it like, “Wow, I shouldn’t be sexually excited about this,” but you are. Or I am, at least.

What is the best way to pick up a librarian?
Appeal to their dark side. Look to the Goth girl librarian and tell her that you’re really into Sisters of Mercy.

There’s this girl I really like, but once we got in the sack, the sex turned out to be awful. Is she a lost cause?
She may be interested in doing certain things and just doesn’t know how to approach you with it, so talk to her. I had that experience with a boyfriend of mine, where he wanted to try all kinds of kinky stuff, and I had to open the door, and once I did, he went gangbusters.

My boyfriend can’t come from blowjobs. Can anything be done?
Many guys can’t come from blowjobs. Just enjoy it, let him enjoy it, have fun with it. It’s okay to get him off manually if you want to. It’s okay for him to get himself off manually, say, while you finger his balls, lick the inside of his thigh, or suck on his nipples.

My boyfriend has a foot fetish, but I’m not into it. How can we reconcile this?
Say, “Honey, I’ll give you all the foot jobs you want, but you need to fuck me with a strap-on.” Or, “You need to give me head.” Or, “You need to beat me black and blue.” Whatever you’re into. There’s got to be a level of reciprocity.


Linda, 48
www.lipsticklibrarian.com

I’ve been married for five years and my wife says she wants to try swinging. Is this a good idea, or is she just tired of me?
If you’ve discovered this fact because she’s responded to your anonymous casual-encounters posting on Craigslist, then I’d say she’s tired of you.

How can I pick up a librarian?
Under no circumstances should you say, “I’ve always wanted to work in a library,” “Gee, it must be nice to read all day,” or, “So how many flashers do you meet in the stacks in a week?” These are sure-fire guarantees you’ll wind up with a glass of house rosé dumped in your lap or a Trader Joe’s carrot juice thrown at you.

What’s the worst pickup line someone has used on you in the library?
“A funny librarian. Huh. Go figure.” That and, “Can you help me download some porn?”

My boyfriend told me he has a foot fetish. Now, he can’t get off without a foot job. What do we do?
Have him get a foot rub from the homeless guy with eczema who scrounges for soda cans from the trash bins every day. That should cure him.

What are the sexiest words in the English language?
I’ll return the book.
 

Interviews by Jessica Haralson. Sex Advice From… appears on Thursdays. Have questions for the general public? Send them to sexadvicefrom@nerve.com.

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