Sex Advice from Line Cooks

"Would you like me to flambe your creme brulee?"

By Carly Pifer


Bernie, 28

What meal would you prepare for a dinner you hope will lead directly to bed?
Usually seafood things, pastas — Italians are real strong lovers. Maybe some shellfish, a nice light sausage because you don't want to be too weighed down, maybe white wine mixed in to go along with what you're drinking. Something light enough that still puts you in the mood.

So you like to get people drunk before you get them in bed?
Depends how innocent they are.

Do you believe in the power of aphrodisiacs?
A little bit, but I think it's just all about timing, moons aligning, those types of things. The cliche stuff, chocolates — things like that, yeah, I think that gets you going.

What about dessert?
Maybe something French. Anything with puff pastry. Actually, don't go with puff pastry — that's a lie.

How often do you incorporate food in the bedroom? What tastes best combined with oral sex?
Not very often. I like to keep my business and pleasure separate.

What food would you compare the female genitalia to?
I've always grown up working with Mexican guys, so I'd say papaya. It's a little sweet but you've got some shit going on inside. Something fun... yeah, I'd say papaya.

Why are line cooks better in bed?
We're a little eccentric, a little crazy, always moving fast, always ready to go. We like to do things all the way.

Well that half-answers my next question. I've heard that people that work in kitchens are known for their reckless behavior. What's the craziest sexual experience you've ever had?
Just deciding on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere in Pennsylvania that it was that time. In the middle of the day — no rain, no nothing, just the side of the road. Not even a scenic overlook or anything like that.

The guy I'm sleeping with talks dirty to me while we're having sex. I'm a little more on the quiet side. He's expressed that he would enjoy it if I were more responsive. What should I say to egg him on?
"Would you like me to flambe your creme brulee?" Is that good?

"Is that good?" Am I supposed to double check afterwards? Should I say, “Did you like that?”
"Did you like that, honey? How's your custard doing?"

I'm in a monogamous relationship, but my partner still insists on using condoms, every time. Condoms kind of impair my desire and pleasure during sex, and I've told him that. Is it okay for me to pressure my partner further to give them up?
He doesn't trust you, I'd say. If you really love him, tell him you'll get tested. But if he trusts you and loves you enough I think he'd be able to take your word for it.

I have a very regular masturbation routine and achieve orgasms very easily this way. But whenever I have sex, I'm too overstimulated to be able to orgasm. It's so intense it's almost uncomfortable, but I'm so turned on from the experience that I just want to go home and masturbate for days thinking about it. How can I calm down during sex enough to let my partner make me come?
I have a really good way: hash cookies. It's going to slow down the heart rate a little bit, it's going to mellow you out. I think they'll work. At least I know my girlfriend loves them.

I've been in some shitty relationships in the past — cheaters, liars, the whole spectrum. My new boyfriend seemed different, but now I'm getting that same old feeling, when he makes excuses or comes home late from a night with the guys. I don't want to accuse him of anything until I have proof that he has wronged me. How can I find out?
You've got to stalk. I really believe that.

I've been waiting for someone to tell me to dress up in a disguise and go after him! Is this a good outfit to stalk in?
You're wearing a turban and sunglasses. I didn't really notice you.

Commentarium (13 Comments)

Oct 11 11 - 2:32am
Brett

I think a more appropriate title would be, 'Carly needs relationship advice'.

Oct 11 11 - 7:57pm
Carly

:(

Oct 20 11 - 9:58pm
Jeffrey

If only you knew.

Oct 11 11 - 8:09am
ali

I worked as a line cook for years and as far as I could tell, the only thing you should bother to ask a line cook about it the best place to buy drugs.

Oct 11 11 - 3:49pm
Yeah

The ONLY thing? Right.

Oct 13 11 - 8:58pm
K-Star

Haha I was thinking something along those lines when I was reading this.

Oct 11 11 - 2:40pm
pl

what a pity rodrigo is married-such a babe!

Oct 21 11 - 9:41pm
KC

Don't know if he's a babe, but his answers were great.

Oct 11 11 - 3:49pm
Mustache Ride

Sick stache bro!!!!!!!!

Oct 11 11 - 7:41pm
eggshell73

"Sweet with some shit going on inside"??? Any man who says that about my vagina ain't gettin' in.

Oct 16 11 - 7:53am
lobster mushroom

Oh, come on - he's a line cook, not a wordsmith. All he's trying to say is that it's delicious, intriguing, and a little funky.. plus, fresh papaya does indeed have a little musk to it.

Oct 12 11 - 7:38pm
Kyle Dutches

the dude with the stache has it going on. I would like to show him my jiblets.

Oct 12 11 - 8:53pm
murat

I worked as a line cook for years and as far as I could tell, the only thing you should bother to ask a line cook about it the best place to buy drugs.