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Sex Advice from . . . Live-Action Role-Players

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Live-Action role-playing (LARP) is part physical sport, part improvisational theater, in which players dress up as fictional characters and stage epic battles, often with a medieval or fantasy theme. Nerve got their advice on getting into character in the bedroom and surviving on the relationship battlefield.

Kevin, 36
President, Darkon Wargaming Club
www.darkon.org

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My girlfriend and I want to try a little role-play in the bedroom. Any advice?
Don’t care if what you’re doing could be considered weird. To paraphrase Dr. Heimlich, if everyone can identify with what you’re doing, you’re probably not being very creative.

What sort of characters would you recommend?
My only caveat is that you should avoid anything requiring rehearsal. Stories are always most interesting when you don’t know exactly how they’ll end.

My girlfriend and I are going away for the weekend. Which lodging would you recommend for a sexy trip: a glamorous five-star hotel, a charming B&B in the country, or a seedy roadside motel?
It generally comes down to personal preference, but five-star hotels tend not to have crab-louse infestations. Just sayin’.

Joining the Mile-High Club: sexy and daring, or not worth the awkwardness?
It’s sexy and daring if one of you is flying the plane. Otherwise, it’s a good way to end up on the no-fly list.

What should one never say when breaking up with someone?
Here’s a metric: Imagine someone records your breakup conversation, then later plays it for the next person you’re interested in. You shouldn’t say anything that would make that person never want to date you.


Jennifer, 33


My boyfriend’s sense of hygiene is medieval. How can I get him to clean up without hurting his feelings?
Claim soap is a fetish of yours. Or suggest you role-play “naughty nurse” and “guy needing sponge bath”.

How about just wiping down with a towel after sex before going out in public? Must one shower every time?
You may think smelling faintly of sex and sweat is a turn-on to those around you, that they’ll pick up on your pheromonal virility and be overcome with lust. It’s not. You stink, it’s musty and gross. Shower.

What’s the secret to successful role-play?
Mutual enthusiasm for the idea, an openness to experiment, a willingness to laugh, a desire to fall into the fantasy and a lot of lube.

Would you recommend joining a LARP club as a way to find a date?
You should join a LARP club because you are interested in trying out gaming — it’s essentially improv theater. If your sole motivation is to get laid, you are full of fail, will eventually be found out as a fraud, and shall get no sex.

I’m in love with a woman who has a child from a previous relationship. I do not want the responsibilities of fatherhood, and she insists we can be a couple without me becoming a father figure. Do you think this is possible, or will I inevitably get pulled into a parental role?
If the girl already has a kid, it speaks fairly openly about her decision on having children, planned and not. So if your condom breaks, then you will, in fact, get inevitably pulled into a parental role.

What should one never say when breaking up with someone?
“Oh no, oh honey, please don’t cry, I didn’t mean it, let’s stay together after all!” Seriously.


Joseph, 39
President, NERO LARP
www.kokoromi.org

When my boyfriend and I are alone, he’s fun and gregarious, but in social situations he’s shy and guarded. How can I help bring him out of his shell? Or should I just accept that that’s who he is?
This is okay. He’s not necessarily in a bad way, in this supposed “shell,” when in public, so just let him get used to his newfound friends, and he may loosen up. If he doesn’t, you’ll have to accept it and, rather than seeing it as bad, love him more for being a good listener when with others who he doesn’t necessarily know — a rare and good quality, if you ask me.

Is it kosher to give someone a fake phone number if they ask you for yours but you don’t want them to have it?
No way. This is the worst thing to do to someone. It’s cruel. You need to tell the person flat-out, “I am not interested in you that way,” and they should leave you alone.

My girlfriend and I are going away for the weekend. Which lodging would you recommend for a sexy trip: a glamorous five-star hotel, a charming B&B in the country, or a seedy roadside motel?
I would go with a trip to a European Medieval castle, bed-and-breakfast style, where I play a Baron and my wife plays a Baroness, and we are treated like royalty for one week of fun. In this location, there would be sexy dinners in the gardens of the medieval grounds, horse rides and carriage transport, the day sunny and night by moonlight.

What should one never say when breaking up with someone?
Never say too much: “I no longer have that fire for you baby, and I do not think it would be good for us to remain friends.” Then get off the phone as quickly as possible.

Where can I find a fuck buddy who’ll be willing to hook up with me occasionally but won’t get attached?
Bars. Talk to every woman there who is not with a guy. I used to find a plethora of women who wanted to fuck at the bar. Ask them about their life, what do they do for a living, for a hobby, and you’re sure to find a fuck buddy or ten.


Matthew, 26

Would you recommend joining a LARP club as a way to find a date?
If you’re going to join a LARP club to find a date, be ready for it to take up a large part of your life. Most couples I know that met through LARPs spend most of their time playing in LARPs. If you’re looking to pick up a LARP, do it after the game has ended. Usually then there’s downtime when all the players unwind and act like their true selves.

When my boyfriend and I are alone he’s fun and gregarious, but in social situations he’s shy and guarded. How can I help bring him out of his shell?
The reason he’s fun and gregarious around you is because he’s comfortable with you and willing to be himself. He’s nervous around others because he’s afraid of being judged. Take him out with the same people for a while till he gets comfortable with them too.

My girlfriend and I are going away for the weekend. What type of lodging would you recommend for a fun, sexy trip?
Rent a cabin or a condo near a ski resort in the winter. Ski during the day then snuggle up next to the fire at night. If it’s not ski season, go to a B&B in a small mountain town where you can hike during the day and spend one-on-one time together at night.

What should one never say when breaking up with someone?
“It’s not you, it’s me.” “Baby, it’s Dumpsville, population you.” “The force was not with us.” “There’s not enough space in this universe, real or made-up, for both of us.”

Where can I go to find a fuck-buddy who won’t get attached?
Sex-addicts seminars or the Waffle House at 3 a.m.
 

Interviews by Will Doig. Sex Advice From… appears on Thursdays. Have questions for the general public? Send them to sexadvicefrom@nerve.com.

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