Sex Advice From Los Campesinos!

The adorable indie-pop band tackles our problems.

By Jason Gilbert

U.K.-based indie-pop heroes Los Campesinos! recently asked us to contribute to their new zine, Heat Rash, a quarterly fanzine and music bundle, including exclusive writing, artwork, music, and more besides. We're fans, so we engineered a trade. Check out Heat Rash while you wait for Los Campesinos!'s third album, scheduled to arrive later this year.

Rob Campesinos!, 27

I'm a fan of a musician, and I want to sleep with him after a show. What can I do to make that happen?
Try approaching the sound guy at the rear of the venue during the gig. Best-case scenario, he might be able to give you a backstage pass, and if all else fails you could just cop off with him while the band's loading out. He probably earns more money anyway.

I play guitar in a band, and the girl I am dating absolutely hates our music — she won't listen to our recordings and always gets to our concerts after we're done playing. Is this okay, or should I dump her?
I make a point of only dating women who despise my music, so that I know they're in it for me, "the guy," rather than me, "the globetrotting indie A-lister." The truth is, unless you're Jeff Buckley or O-Town, women aren't ever going to like your music, so my suggestion is just live with it. At least she turns up to your shows. Maybe she just keeps turning up late because she's an idiot. Did you ever think of that?

On the song "Who Fell Asleep In," you describe having sex behind the back row of pews in a church. Would you recommend the church as a venue for sex?
I wouldn't recommend it, especially during a service such as a christening, where the action happens at the rear. If you really want to spice things up, try somewhere like onstage at the London Palladium, or during a house fire.

My current boyfriend and his ex-girlfriend post YouTube videos on each other's Facebook walls constantly — and not just funny cat videos, but music videos, some of them even for love songs. How worried should I be?
You need to get that guy in a headlock and repeatedly ram his stupid mullet through the cheap dividing walls in his nasty little duplex. Nobody likes the searing emotional pain of severing ties with an ex — this guy probably gets a warm fuzzy feeling from posting vids of Harry Nilsson warbling his guts out — but it's not fair on you. Is he in a relationship with you or his ex? Or Harry Nilsson? You probably need to ditch the douche.

My girlfriend has a journal of private poetry that she refuses to show me, but it would be pretty easy for me to read it without her knowing. Should I do it, and feel guilty, or stay oblivious and feel anxious?
Whatever you do, do not open that journal, my friend. First, journals are sacred testing grounds for ideas, and no one should have to censor themselves for fear of someone reading it. Second, you're almost guaranteed to read something horrible that you'll never be able to eradicate from your memory. Third, and most importantly, your girlfriend's poetry is terrible. How will you ever look her in the eye after reading her inept attempt at an erotic villanelle about Zach Braff? Stay away.

How long do I have to date a guy before I make him shave off his terrible beard?
He's probably laboring under the misapprehension that all women totally dig facial hair. Probably comes from the time in high school when he was dumped for a thirty-two-year-old mechanic with a mustache, wrongly identifying the hallowed lip brow as the catalyst, rather than that fucker's access to his parents' Nissan and mind-altering hallucinogenics. So just tell him he looks more handsome sans-beard, and pray that he's not covering up a birthmark. 

In "Plan A" you sing that "Every girl I ever kissed I was thinking of a pro footballer." Is it okay to fantasize about celebrities during sex, or is it a sign that it's time to break things off?
It's just symptomatic of the times we live in. We live in a celebrity-obsessed universe. I often think of myself when I'm having sex. It's totally fine. 
  
Your last LP was a "breakup album." What's the best way to get over a difficult breakup?
Step one: make a record about it. Step two: get drunk for a year. Step three: eventually get back together with your ex, only this time both filled with hate and suspicion. Step four: Break up again, but this time it'll seem easier and more logical — a relief, even. Mission accomplished.