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Ellen Campesinos!, 26
Your last album was called Romance is Boring. Why is romance boring?
Well, it's boring if it's motivated by too many teen dramas and too much self-interest — someone doing what they think they ought to be doing — but when it's carried out with sincerity it makes the world feel very small and wonderful.
Your first EP starts, "When you play pass the parcel/ With human body parts/ Yeah, someone might get head/ But someone will get hurt." Let's say you're playing pass the parcel and someone gets hurt. What is proper etiquette if you injure your partner's member during a hookup?
First, check for visible wounds or gushing blood, and then apologize profusely, and if they're still whining, quip that now they know what childbirth feels like. If they point out that you don't even know what childbirth feels like, offer to make them a cup of tea.
I'm a fan of a musician and I want to sleep with her after a show. What can I do to make that happen?
Be neither a try-hard creep nor a smarmy so-and-so. Just be yourself, and don't under any circumstances use the chat-up line "I play [your instrument] too!" I don't care. Unless you're really hot.
I play guitar in a band, and the girl I am dating absolutely hates our music — she won't listen to our recordings and always gets to our concerts after we're done playing. Is this okay, or should I dump her?
I would question her lack of support for something you're passionate about. You would support her. Or maybe you wouldn't. I don't know you. You could be a dick and your music could be awful.
On the song "Who Fell Asleep In," you describe having sex behind the back row of pews in a church. Would you recommend the church as a venue for sex?
I went to an all-girls Catholic school, so having sex at the back of a church would be a truly awesome double-whammy for me. I would be rebelling against God and my childhood. I would recommend it, but only during a less busy service. Maybe just under-the-Bible fondling.
In "Plan A" you sing that "Every girl I ever kissed I was thinking of a pro footballer." Is it okay to fantasize about celebrities during sex, or is it a sign that it's time to break things off?
I think it's fine to let your mind wander to celebrities during the parts of sex where you can't see the other person clearly — for example, oral — but during the main act, if you find yourself constantly thinking of Michael Fassbender to reach climax, you are definitely in trouble.
What is the ideal balance of post-coital and post-rock?
Listening to Mogwai whilst having a cigarette in bed.
Your last LP was a "breakup album." What's the best way to get over a difficult breakup?
I am the last person you should be asking this. I spent the first month after a breakup telling everyone how totally fine I was. It was ridiculous. I just wanted to hear how well I seemed to be doing so I could tell myself that I wasn't completely devastated. I tried to avoid the people who would question my "I am totally fine" act, and I ended up feeling very sad and alone. I would therefore recommend doing the opposite of that. Talk about it, be honest, and let people know you need distractions and love and attention and pity sex until you're back on your feet.
The track list for Romance Is Boring contained references to Oklahoma and Missouri, and you've toured all over the States. What's the most romantic place in America for a young couple in love to go visit?
I think Marfa, Texas is quite romantic, mainly because it's a great place to go star-watching. If you wanted to surprise your lover, you could always buy them a star before the trip and then point it out under the moonlight... but then they would point out how lame you are and that you stole the idea from an episode of Party of Five. I would also recommend the Mutter Museum in Philadelphia — not so much romantic, but really cool. They have John Wilkes Booth's thorax.