Gareth Campesinos!, 25

Why is romance boring?
It's not. It's boring in the same way I say iPads are shit — because I want an iPad but can't afford one.

I'm a fan of a musician, and I want to sleep with him after a show. What can I do to make that happen?
Now, this is a toughie. I'm a big fan of super-hot babes, but a massive turn-off is seeing a super-hot babe enjoy the music I make. Keep your distance during the show, try not to be seen, and make your approach once the rock concert is over. Don't talk about the band. Ideally you should make the band member think you're thinking, "Sure, it's great that you've written some songs that I like, but the main reason I want to fuck you is because you're extremely handsome and seem like a wonderful person and a great lover." And that's how you can fuck me.

I play guitar in a band, and the girl I am dating absolutely hates our music — she won't listen to our recordings and always gets to our concerts after we're done playing. Is this okay, or should I dump her?
Nah, that's fine. I mean, obviously, it'd be great if she appreciated what you do, and she should feign an interest, just like you do when she talks about her periods and shit, but she's not obliged to actually like it.

On the song "Who Fell Asleep In," you describe having sex behind the back row of pews in a church. Would you recommend the church as a venue for sex?
Yeah. For a red-hot atheist like myself, the feeling of flesh against flesh while being smited by hellfire and brimstone and securing your eternal damnation is a massive turn-on.

My current boyfriend and his ex-girlfriend post YouTube videos on each other's Facebook walls constantly — and not just funny cat videos, but music videos, some of them even for love songs. How worried should I be?
Your main worry should be that your boyfriend's the kind of person that communicates with people through Facebook wall posts. I guess this could be a front for all the illicit, sexy DMs they share, but if he's the sort of fellow that likes funny cat videos, he's probably not got the balls for that sort of stuff. Babe, call me?

My girlfriend has a journal of private poetry that she refuses to show me, but it would be pretty easy for me to read it without her knowing. Should I do it, and feel guilty, or stay oblivious and feel anxious?
There's a reason it's private. This could be that it's full of all her deepest feelings and darkest secrets and she uses it as a kind of therapy and emotional cleansing. More likely, it's private because she knows it's not very good. I don't reckon you should read it. I mean, do you really want to know about the sub-Daria prose that your girlfriend cries out of her fingertips?

The track list for Romance Is Boring contained references to Oklahoma and Missouri, and you've toured all over the States. What's the most romantic place in America for a young couple in love to go visit?
Sadly, although we've been all over the States, we get to see very little beyond its highways and venues. Having said that, The Bottletree Cafe in Birmington, Alabama has a caravan out back with a mattress in it and a lock on the door. Fairly certain it has a TV and a Super Nintendo in it too, so you could do worse than take your honey there.

How long do I have to date a guy before I make him shave off his terrible beard?
I don't have a beard. Call me.