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Sex Advice from Mascots

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This Sunday is the Super Bowl, that grand American tradition of controlled chaos periodically interrupted by multi-million-dollar advertising. Here’s some advice for how to handle halftime.

Brett, 37 (Mariner Moose)
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How do you know if he or she’s the one?
For me personally, it was when I found someone who could argue in an intellectual way about politics and current affairs.

How can I still catch a woman’s eye when surrounded by good-looking ball players?
For twelve years, I wore costumes and people had no idea what I looked like. I still got all kinds of proposals, offers and anything else you can imagine. You have to be outgoing and entertaining, funny and a little self-deprecating.

What’s the best way to distract my man while he’s watching the game?

promotion


Get his attention by offering him something he typically doesn’t recei
ve, like chocolate chip cookies or non-missionary sex.

What can I do to combat performance anxiety?
Go to fantasy. Imagine your girlfriend is Cameron Diaz. After two or three nights in a row of that, the anxiety should go away.

Other than no peeking, what’s the number-one rule of straight male locker-room etiquette?
No slapping a guy on the ass with a wet towel. That just doesn’t happen.

My boyfriend has gained some weight. Is there a delicate way to ask him to trim down?
Tell him if he loses fifteen pounds, you’ll have sex with him every night for a month and do that thing he likes twice on Sundays.

What’s your best mascot fantasy?
Sex with the girlfriend, in costume, in the company van, at an appearance.

Fred, 23 (Zipper the Bulldog)

How can I catch a woman’s eye when surrounded by good-looking ball players?
When the good-looking football players are surrounding you, they’re busy — they have a job to do. Take advantage of that time and show her you’re interested. That individual attention tends to outweigh all the men around you.

What can I do to combat performance anxiety?
Have a sense of humor about it. Sex is one of God’s greatest jokes on mankind. Look at the faces people make when they’re having sex. Whatever happens, when it’s over, you can laugh about it. I’m hilarious in bed.

How can I tell if my significant other is emotionally cheating on me?
I emotionally cheat on my girlfriend all the time while in costume. I’m dead sexy when I’m performing. But real emotional cheating is a tough call. Is he opening your door? Is she still latching onto your arm when you’re at parties? It’s the little things that matter.

I hate my girlfriend’s friends. Do I have to tell her?
Absolutely not. DEFCON Five. You never tell. You have to be in with the friends, no matter how annoying they are. If you’re in with the friends, you’re in with the girl.

Other than no peeking, what’s the number one rule of straight male locker-room etiquette?
Always move to the right. If everyone moves to the right, there’s no chance of bumping or crossing swords.

My boyfriend’s gained some weight. Is there a delicate way to ask him to trim down?
A delicate way? No. If weight becomes an issue, use a little playfulness. Grab the lovehandles and jiggle them a bit.

Can becoming a mascot help me get laid?
There’s a misconception that mascots don’t look good under the fur, but it’s the mystery of what’s behind the mask that arouses curiosity.


Joby, 44 (Cosmo the Sheepdog)
www.mascotconsulting.com

How can becoming a mascot get me laid?
People don’t realize how athletic and outgoing mascots have to be. Those are attractive characteristics to most people. When I teach little kids at my mascot camp, the first thing I teach them is that you own the court, the field, the rink. You let those athletes and cheerleaders perform on your field. That sense of ownership is attractive.

What’s the best pickup line you’ve heard?
You can pull my tail if I can pull yours.

My boyfriend has gained some weight. Is there a delicate way to ask him to trim down?
Tell him to take up mascoting. Mascots lose weight very fast. I used to lose between five to eight pounds a night. Plus, it’s basically an abstract way of telling him he’s gained weight.

How can I combat performance anxiety?
Turn off the lights. When I perform, I’m nervous before every game or event right up until I put the head on. Then, for some reason, it just flows
.


Dominick, 35 (Mia Hamster)

www.zooperstars.com

I hate my girlfriend’s friends. Do I have to tell her or can I just avoid them?
Just avoid them. You’re not going to score a whole lot of bonus points by telling her you don’t like them. It’s the same thing with in-laws. It’s better left unsaid.

What’s the best pickup line you’ve heard?
Here’s one that I won a contest at a bar with: Girl, you are so hot, I would scrape my balls across broken glass just to hear you fart through a walkie-talkie.

What’s your best mascot fantasy?
Mascot porn. We know there are tons of people out there who probably think about that. My fantasy would be Derek Cheetah meeting Marilyn Monkey at a romantic bar, wining and dining her and then taking her to a wild jamboree.

What’s the best way to distract my man while he’s watching the game?
There isn’t one. At least wait for a commercial. Best thing a girl can do is notice that the game is on, step aside and wait for it to finish. Same thing goes for my wife when she’s watching her soap operas.

Other than no peeking, what’s the number-one rule of straight male locker-room etiquette?
Keep the topic of conversation on stocks, money or sports.

How can I score a cheerleader?
Don’t make excuses to talk to the cheerleaders. Most cheerleaders get hit on a lot, so use a different approach. Meet the coach or find another way to get acquainted. Meet the mascot. Pretend you didn’t even know they were a cheerleader. Find out something they like, talk about it and then, boom, you’re in. I married one.
 


Interviews by Nichole Marks. Sex Advice From… appears on Thursdays. Have questions for the general public? Send them to sexadvicefrom@nerve.com.


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