Sex Advice From Music Critics

BY SEB MATTHEWS

Julianne, 29

Pitchfork Media
www.urbanhonking.com/cowboyz

What is the quickest way to turn on a music critic and why? What does one have to do to get them in bed fast?
Play side C of L.L. Cool J's greatest hits (the slow jams) and don't go reciting liner-note minutiae when you're supposed to be kissing me.

My sister has just broken up with her boyfriend of five years and is in the middle of an intense whore stage. It's getting to the point where it's bordering on unhealthy. How do you suggest I approach her without offending her?
After screwing only one person for the past five years, she totally gets a sleeping-around pass, so long as she's not doing it to avoid feeling messed up from the break-up. You know, the whole, "I've been dating this man for so long I have to replace him with someone else," afraid-to-be-alone thing. That's much less healthy than a long ride on the casual-sex train. Present her with an econo-box of condoms and ask her if she needs to talk. Communication is muy importante. Do not call her a whore.

My boyfriend and I have a great sex life except for one thing: he is constantly putting on the worst music during sex, i.e. Supreme Beings of Leisure and other dated trip-hop crap. It turns me off completely, but he insists we listen to it. What could I recommend that's less offensively cheesy?
So you've told him it's a sexual turn-off, but he still makes you listen to it? Do you think this dude respects you enough? Honestly. If you think he does, say you want to explore trip-hop's roots, like Isaac Hayes and Sarah Vaughan. Play sexier, jazzier hip-hop albums like my favorite ever, Erykah Badu's linear Worldwide Underground. It's perfect for sex because all the songs are about longing and feel like they're twelve minutes long, even if they're not. Also, to match the cinematic texture of SBoL, you should try Alexander Scriabin, who wrote symphonies to the orgasm; my ex used to play "Poem of Ecstacy" when we had sex, and the crescendos totally crashed with our climaxes.

I enjoy public, anonymous sex. Where is the best place to go?
What's really awesome is public phone sex: go to a crowded café or restaurant (keep it corporate!) and do it loudly on your cellphone. There's the exhibitionist's bonus of making other patrons really uncomfortable — and the added excitement of getting banned for life from the Chick-Fil-A.

Describe a new sexual position you've created — something we'd never find in a 101 sexual positions book.
I call it the "Rhythm Nation 2005," inspired by my choreography idols Janet Jackson and Paula Abdul: Do the snake onto your man and then, like Mos Def said, just bounce.

How often do you browse the internet for porn while "writing?"
I don't porn-surf, honest, although my gay male roommate uses my computer and has www.studmall.com in the "favorites" bar. It's all real men and the descriptions are like, "Virile Italian bear meets Lower East Side twink in a bathroom; hotness ensues." I check it constantly.

I take forever to come. Girls get annoyed and tired, and I'm left with a full load. How can I get off quicker?
Finger in ass, honey. Finger. In. Ass.

Who is the sexiest artist of 2005 other than M.I.A and why?
T.I. is the suavest and the scrappiest. I have a poster of him in my office. Beck is eternally sexy. Pitbull is attractive, articulate and really well-moisturized.

What advice do you have for a man who has a master's degree and successful career, is financially secure, has good friends and varied interests but is single, 5'4", 120 lbs., and women aren't attracted to him because of his size?
He should experiment with his look. You know who else is diminuitive, ambitious and binoculars-hot? Pharrell of Neptunes. If this dude's height is really the sole reason women aren't dating him (which I highly doubt, but for brevity's sake I shall answer as though it is), he should hire a personal trainer to cut him tight and compact like Pharrell. Secondly: if he has the hair for it, perhaps he should employ the emaciated slacker-rocker look, which has rather inexplicably impressed young women since the '90s. I have a theory that the indie-rock mussy haircut can give even the strangest-looking human the illusion of being blazing, boy-model attractive. Or perhaps he should wear eyeliner like another short 'n' skinny man, Nick Zinner from Yeah Yeah Yeahs. Yeah, get the hairdo. And/or start dating women who will appreciate the fact that he is a rare dude with his shit together.