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Sex Advice From My Grandmother
One Nerve reader's eighty-four-year-old grandmother on sexual positions, STDs, and the importance of foreplay.
by Alison DeNisco
When I was twenty years old and dating my first serious boyfriend, my grandma Carmela asked my mother point-blank if I was still a virgin. She didn't get an answer, but I came home on my next college break to find the now-infamous Grandma Sex Letter patiently awaiting my arrival, the grandmotherly cursive writing on the back of a newsletter from her senior housing facility belying its scandalous nature. What follows is explicit yet touching advice on sex and love from my eighty-six-year-old grandma.
My beloved Alison,
Now that you have become a complete woman, I want to give you my thoughts and hints on sex and love and a few lessons about people, from your grandmother who has been there to you who are just beginning.
1. To know if you are both in love, you feel a "connection" in bed. If you feel ALONE in bed when having sex, you are with the WRONG man. This is CRITICAL! The connection of mind, body, soul!
2. There is real love that everyone wants but it does not happen to everyone — it is called "soul-mates," spiritual, supernatural. This is the highest form of love — it is a religious feeling. You have found God. You know instantly, "love at first sight." You know he was meant for you and he is your real husband, and he knows you are his wife-to-be.
3. When having sex and the female does not enjoy it, I strongly recommend that the female gets on top of the man. It always works, the female has a climax and enjoyment. If he wants to perform oral sex on you, enjoy it!
4. Always make sure the man's penis is CLEAN. Make sure he washes it with soap and water before coming to bed.
5. Many men are PIGS. They want sex every day! You are not obligated to say "yes" to please him if you do not feel up to it. You never do anything unless you want to. To pacify the pig, give him manual stimulation!
6. Never, never do ANAL sex! You can get diseases, especially if after anal, he goes vaginal. Also ORAL sex is dangerous if there are cuts in your mouth, or sores. Men love it. Don't swallow his SEMEN! You can get throat STDs. There is no cure for herpes. Chlamydia and gonorrhea have no symptoms and can leave you sterile. You both would need antibiotics!
7. Some men are pre-mature ejaculators; that is very frustrating and bad for the female. He needs help to learn to control himself until the female is ready.
8. There should be foreplay to get the girl ready. As you get older, more experienced, you can skip all that and it is over in 7 minutes.
9. Perhaps you already know all these hints. I hope you find it helpful; I love you and do not want you to make a mistake. Never marry someone and say "Well, I can always get a divorce if I'm not happy." When there are children, you are never divorced. The ex-husband will be in your life forever, so make sure you marry the right guy.
10. Make sure you never marry an abusive control freak. When a man loves you, there is respect. He will be proud of you and your achievements — not jealous and needing to know your every move, or keeping you away from family and friends. Make sure he comes from a happy family with a loving mother and father who have a good marriage.
11. Never, never tell a boyfriend if you have any savings, inheritance-to-be or your salary when you graduate. Some men look for a woman with money. I do not respect such men! If he has credit card debt, DUMP him immediately! You only discuss finances with the man you want to marry.
12. Should you date a man who is stingy, dollar conscious, and you love to spend money, the relationship will never work unless you are a thrifty person yourself, then you can put up with him.
13. When dating a new man, do not feel obligated to have sex with him because he bought you dinner. To avoid this, pay for your own dinner. You are getting to know each other. You are not a homeless person who needs a meal.
14. Be happy, be with someone whose company you enjoy and you can't live without, and respect him. Watch out for womanizers, drunks!
15. You can make sure you know a man well by dating him on weekends and vacations. If he's unsure about committing, DUMP him. No excuses.
16. Hope you find the happiness you deserve. There should be love, respect, admiration, trust, and a mental and physical connection. If you find "true love," you will live happily every after. That is true.
Want to meet someone to test Grandma Carmela's advice on? Head for Nerve Dating.