Sex Advice From My Grandmother

One Nerve reader's eighty-four-year-old grandmother on sexual positions, STDs, and the importance of foreplay.

by Alison DeNisco

When I was twenty years old and dating my first serious boyfriend, my grandma Carmela asked my mother point-blank if I was still a virgin. She didn't get an answer, but I came home on my next college break to find the now-infamous Grandma Sex Letter patiently awaiting my arrival, the grandmotherly cursive writing on the back of a newsletter from her senior housing facility belying its scandalous nature. What follows is explicit yet touching advice on sex and love from my eighty-six-year-old grandma. 

My beloved Alison,

Now that you have become a complete woman, I want to give you my thoughts and hints on sex and love and a few lessons about people, from your grandmother who has been there to you who are just beginning.

1. To know if you are both in love, you feel a "connection" in bed. If you feel ALONE in bed when having sex, you are with the WRONG man. This is CRITICAL! The connection of mind, body, soul!

2. There is real love that everyone wants but it does not happen to everyone — it is called "soul-mates," spiritual, supernatural. This is the highest form of love — it is a religious feeling. You have found God. You know instantly, "love at first sight." You know he was meant for you and he is your real husband, and he knows you are his wife-to-be.

3. When having sex and the female does not enjoy it, I strongly recommend that the female gets on top of the man. It always works, the female has a climax and enjoyment. If he wants to perform oral sex on you, enjoy it!

4. Always make sure the man's penis is CLEAN. Make sure he washes it with soap and water before coming to bed.

5. Many men are PIGS. They want sex every day! You are not obligated to say "yes" to please him if you do not feel up to it. You never do anything unless you want to. To pacify the pig, give him manual stimulation!

6. Never, never do ANAL sex! You can get diseases, especially if after anal, he goes vaginal. Also ORAL sex is dangerous if there are cuts in your mouth, or sores. Men love it. Don't swallow his SEMEN! You can get throat STDs. There is no cure for herpes. Chlamydia and gonorrhea have no symptoms and can leave you sterile. You both would need antibiotics!

7. Some men are pre-mature ejaculators; that is very frustrating and bad for the female. He needs help to learn to control himself until the female is ready.

8. There should be foreplay to get the girl ready. As you get older, more experienced, you can skip all that and it is over in 7 minutes.

9. Perhaps you already know all these hints. I hope you find it helpful; I love you and do not want you to make a mistake. Never marry someone and say "Well, I can always get a divorce if I'm not happy." When there are children, you are never divorced. The ex-husband will be in your life forever, so make sure you marry the right guy.

10. Make sure you never marry an abusive control freak. When a man loves you, there is respect. He will be proud of you and your achievements — not jealous and needing to know your every move, or keeping you away from family and friends. Make sure he comes from a happy family with a loving mother and father who have a good marriage.

11. Never, never tell a boyfriend if you have any savings, inheritance-to-be or your salary when you graduate. Some men look for a woman with money. I do not respect such men! If he has credit card debt, DUMP him immediately! You only discuss finances with the man you want to marry.

12. Should you date a man who is stingy, dollar conscious, and you love to spend money, the relationship will never work unless you are a thrifty person yourself, then you can put up with him.

13. When dating a new man, do not feel obligated to have sex with him because he bought you dinner. To avoid this, pay for your own dinner. You are getting to know each other. You are not a homeless person who needs a meal.

14. Be happy, be with someone whose company you enjoy and you can't live without, and respect him. Watch out for womanizers, drunks!

15. You can make sure you know a man well by dating him on weekends and vacations. If he's unsure about committing, DUMP him. No excuses.

16. Hope you find the happiness you deserve. There should be love, respect, admiration, trust, and a mental and physical connection. If you find "true love," you will live happily every after. That is true.

Love,

Grandma Carmela

Want to meet someone to test Grandma Carmela's advice on? Head for Nerve Dating.

Commentarium (119 Comments)

Apr 18 12 - 12:35am
RW

100% of this is great advice for someone who is alive in 1940. 50% is great advice for someone who is alive today.

Apr 18 12 - 2:32am
GeeBee

The antibiotics remark would not have been relevant in 1940.

Apr 18 12 - 6:40am
GuhBuh...duhh

Penicillin was available in 1940. Fleming first started working with it by the 1930s and shared the nobel prize for development of it in '45.

Apr 18 12 - 11:13am
Socal

RW - you are absolutely right! But it was a fun read...

Apr 18 12 - 11:58pm
M

In the 1940s, you could be charged under obscenity laws for writing this sort of thing. Grandma's advice may be somewhat dated, but if every grandchild got this advice , there would be a lot more happier folks out there.

Apr 23 12 - 9:20pm
SpearsKris

nice

Apr 23 12 - 9:24pm
CHERRICLAUDIO

my classmate's step-aunt makes $64 an hour on the internet. She has been unemployed for five months but last month her pay check was $17676 just working on the internet for a few hours. Go to this web site and read more MakeCash2.Com

Apr 24 12 - 1:11pm
trapspam.honeypot

You are a real piece of crap. Spammer.

May 25 12 - 11:03pm
really rw?

# 5 may be pushing it, but to say 50 % is irrelevant lends one to surmise that you have no qualms about health risks. that's unfortunate, but don't hate on truth.

Aug 21 12 - 8:11am
bookmole

Out of 14 "tips", only 2 of them struck me as off, because I do not believe in love at first sight, or having a soul mate. Otherwise, spot on Gran!

Apr 18 12 - 12:51am
oldie

Man oh man do I wish my grandmother or mom told me half of that... I'd be a whole lot happier than I am now at the grand old age of 50...

Apr 18 12 - 1:20am
Sarah

This is really cute. I like the one about "You are getting to know each other, you are not someone homeless who needs a meal."

Apr 18 12 - 5:36pm
jones

yes, #13 was the best advice!

Apr 18 12 - 1:39am
SWM

Very sweet. I bet she wishes someone had written her a letter like that when she married.

Apr 19 12 - 10:10pm
Jesus Christ

The expansiveness of her advice (including the balance between good sense and paranoia) suggests she might have done fairly well, herself. I'd be curious to know more.

Apr 18 12 - 4:50am
George

"Make sure he comes from a happy family with a loving mother and father who have a good marriage. " - Madam, excuse my questions, please. Men not coming from a happy family with a loving mother and father who have a good marriage do not deserve a good wife and happy family?

Apr 18 12 - 7:15am
Jorge

That's a heck of an interpretation to pull. I don't think that was where grandma was going with her point. If you really care about someone deserving anything it is likely she was suggesting that they [men not coming from a happy family...etc.] don't deserve her granddaughter's time-look elsewhere for the greatest chance of success. Regardless of the attmept to glean some inflammatory meaning from a legitimate, albeit humorous, letter of advice...studies have shown that children of parents who remain married are more likely to remain married.

Apr 19 12 - 3:37pm
jez

Yeah, I think Grandma was more likely just assuming that a man coming from a good family will also be a good/committed husband (which is also a false assumption, but she wasn't saying they didn't deserve happiness).

Apr 24 12 - 10:45pm
Marsha S. Haneiph

George,
this is a personal letter. The grandmother was only concerned for her granddaughter, and not your feelings. Calm down.

Apr 18 12 - 8:22am
grievousangeline

Instead of criticizing, see this for what it is: very personal advice to her granddaughter, which I'm sure she wasn't planning on sharing with the nerve audience (my Nana would be mortified! And this is a woman who thinks it's appropriate to leave news of her "BM" on my voice mail...)

Also, this is my favorite line:
You are not a homeless person who needs a meal.

Apr 19 12 - 3:34pm
jez

Wait, sorry, I'm blanking, what is BM?

Apr 19 12 - 3:35pm
jez

Ohh.. nevermind, sorry, ignore me (I can't seem to delete my comment). A quick Google and I got it.

Apr 22 12 - 2:31am
Esteve

Pls, tell us when you find it out.

Apr 23 12 - 3:49am
nj girl

bm = bowel movement... lol

Apr 18 12 - 11:02am
93curr

1. To know if you are both in love, you feel a "connection" in bed.

I guess. But, if you've never experienced it, how can you recognize it? Seems like something someone could easily talk themselves into. And, even in a best-case scenario, it's not likely to happen the very first time.

2. There is real love that everyone wants but it does not happen to everyone — it is called "soul-mates,"

This sounds like every Cosmo article and Hollywood romantic comedy I've ever suffered through. Also, how long do you wait until you accept that you're one of the many it doesn't happen to and just settle for whoever will have you?

3. When having sex and the female does not enjoy it, I strongly recommend that the female gets on top of the man. It always works, the female has a climax and enjoyment. If he wants to perform oral sex on you, enjoy it!

I'm not sure about "always", but this seems like harmless advice. Maybe it should have been phrased along the lines of "if you're not enjoying it, don't just lay there and accept it, take control of the situation yourself."

4. Always make sure the man's penis is CLEAN. Make sure he washes it with soap and water before coming to bed.

How dirty were men back in her day, anyway? Why would anyone assume that guys don't practice basic hygiene? And how about some advice for her keeping herself clean as well?

5. Many men are PIGS. They want sex every day! You are not obligated to say "yes" to please him if you do not feel up to it. You never do anything unless you want to. To pacify the pig, give him manual stimulation!

But you're obligated to give hm handjobs? And why does wanting sex every day make someone a pig?

6. Never, never do ANAL sex! You can get diseases, especially if after anal, he goes vaginal. Also ORAL sex is dangerous if there are cuts in your mouth, or sores. Men love it. Don't swallow his SEMEN! You can get throat STDs. There is no cure for herpes. Chlamydia and gonorrhea have no symptoms and can leave you sterile. You both would need antibiotics!

Well, ATM or ATP is really not recommended. But everything else is just weird. Did she get this kind of thinking from Dear Abby?

7. Some men are pre-mature ejaculators; that is very frustrating and bad for the female. He needs help to learn to control himself until the female is ready.

Some suggestions as to how to learn to control himself would be nice. Also, the assumption that only men have sexual problems seems to run through this like a river.

8. There should be foreplay to get the girl ready. As you get older, more experienced, you can skip all that and it is over in 7 minutes.

I love how she assumes that anyone would WANT to get everything over with as fast as possible. And that foreplay is some kid of necessary evil that no one wants, but has to endure and that will eventually not be required (because as women get older, they get around more quickly?)

9. Never marry someone and say "Well, I can always get a divorce if I'm not happy." When there are children, you are never divorced. The ex-husband will be in your life forever, so make sure you marry the right guy.

Well, yeah. She's not wrong.

10. Make sure you never marry an abusive control freak. When a man loves you, there is respect. He will be proud of you and your achievements — not jealous and needing to know your every move, or keeping you away from family and friends. Make sure he comes from a happy family with a loving mother and father who have a good marriage.

And she was doing so well right up until the end there.

11. Never, never tell a boyfriend if you have any savings, inheritance-to-be or your salary when you graduate. Some men look for a woman with money. I do not respect such men! If he has credit card debt, DUMP him immediately! You only discuss finances with the man you want to marry.

Who doesn't have credit card debt? Or student loan debt? I can see where she's going here, but I bet even Don Draper would laugh at how out of date such thinking is.

12. Should you date a man who is stingy, dollar conscious, and you love to spend money, the relationship will never work unless you are a thrifty person yourself, then you can put up with him.

Yeah, that sounds about right. Maybe don't restrict this advice to just being about money, though.

13. When dating a new man, do not feel obligated to have sex with him because he bought you dinner. To avoid this, pay for your own dinner. You are getting to know each other. You are not a homeless person who needs a meal.

Tonight, on a Very Special Episode of 'Blossom'....

14. Be happy, be with someone whose company you enjoy and you can't live without, and respect him. Watch out for womanizers, drunks!

Okay. But does she think her granddaughter grew up in isolation from other people? That she hasn't learned any of this from movies and TV shows and her friends and advice columns and anyone she's dated or hung out with from before she hit puberty?

15. You can make sure you know a man well by dating him on weekends and vacations. If he's unsure about committing, DUMP him. No excuses.

I don't understand any of this.

16. Hope you find the happiness you deserve. There should be love, respect, admiration, trust, and a mental and physical connection. If you find "true love," you will live happily every after. That is true.

Sadly, no - it's not true. Love helps, but it certainly comes with no guarantees whatsoever. And assuming that it does can only lead to suffering. Also; there's more to relationships than just sex and money, surely.

Apr 18 12 - 2:15pm
Madeleine

TL;DR.

Apr 18 12 - 11:40pm
Jenny

You didn't miss anything. Just some jerk who missed the point.

Apr 19 12 - 2:50pm
Ilse

To Jenny - too true.

Apr 22 12 - 1:35am
Anonymous

Bullshit. The point was to provide advice regarding love and sex. Pointing out the flaws in the advice does not make somebody a "jerk", and especially not one who "missed the point".

Apr 22 12 - 1:57am
Anonymous 2

No, the point was to share a touching, humorous, and entertaining piece of communication between family members of different generations. It was kind of a human interest story, not sex advice aimed at Nerve readers.
Anonymous, you're 93curr aren't you?

Apr 22 12 - 5:54am
93curr

you caught me

-forever alone

Apr 22 12 - 9:32am
me

But some of what she said was really, well, wrong. Particularly, the party about not dating men who come from a broken home. Some of the best, most ethical men I know grew up with very poor or little parenting.

A lot of what she says is outdated. I have a feeling most of her "supporters" here are agreeing with her only due to her age and the fact that she's "progressive" enough to talk about sex with her grandchild.

Apr 22 12 - 2:31pm
Howl2

No, it's just that she doesn't need "supporters". She's not running for office or even writing a weekly advice column. Her "supporters" are actually just people suggesting that maybe a 5000 word critical essay was a weird response to this article. Yes, her advice is outdated, and yes, she's old. You're more likely to get outdated sex advice from old people than young people. The point is, it's highly unlikely a Nerve reader is going to read this post and decided to dump the guy she's seeing because his parents are divorced.

Apr 24 12 - 9:50pm
S.

Granted, a lot of what she said is incredibly dated, but it was a cute and heartfelt letter to her Granddaughter. 93curr you are a terribly negative person. Negativity will never get you anywhere, you know.

May 02 12 - 10:53pm
CocoPuffs

Lighten the hell up, 93curr. If you have the ability to take Grandma's writings IN CONTEXT, then it's okay; it's basically a reflection of her times. Funny, though, how much of her advice would fit today, too.

May 03 12 - 12:14am
Ovtomato

Wow, you really took the time to criticize EVERY point! What I got from this is a Grandma who loved her granddaughter so much she was unafraid of ridicule and told her of her experience and what she believed to be the truth. It may be quaint but it is true love.

Apr 18 12 - 11:03am
Mila

"If he's unsure about committing, DUMP him. No excuses. "

LOVE IT!

Apr 18 12 - 11:44am
cc

love love love. amazing.

Apr 18 12 - 12:13pm
sea

@93curr...really? you need to analyze everything line by line? just take it for what it is: a sweet letter based on her own experience and written with love for her graddaughter. god some people on here are so hyper-critical i wonder if they can ever take anything at face value.

Apr 18 12 - 4:37pm
THIS

Seriously. She's not some "sexpert" that nerve interviewed to give expert advice. Most of the "Sex Advice From..." columns are full of MUCH worse advice. Really, you expect someone's grandmother to start listing ways for men to last longer instead of simply mentioning that its sometimes problematic? Jeez.

Apr 19 12 - 3:09am
oklund

I don't get the hate. 93curr was just reacting to the advice with her own experience - is that so wrong?

Apr 22 12 - 5:15am
stef

Yes its so wrong because she's only hating. It wouldn't matter what she was writing, because obvisiously she just wants to invalidate everything. If grandma was saying: You have to love, she would say: that's so untrue because.. and if gradnma was saying: You don't have to love, rcuee would say: that's so untrue because.
But wathever some people are so negative.. blegh disgusting

Apr 24 12 - 9:59pm
#011101011010101010

So someone who didn't agree with it can't comment their dislike of the article but someone who loved it can comment. Double standards are magically idiotic.

Apr 18 12 - 12:37pm
good advice

This is good social advice. And like all good advice, you should take it and adapt it to your current situation and social setting.

This grandmother obviously loves her very much. I can't imagine how difficult it would have been for the grandmother to put pen to paper and write this out when she was obviously raised in a time when sex (even loving sex) was much more scandalous than today.

My respect to this grandma and I hope her attitude is passed down through the generations.

Apr 18 12 - 4:23pm
mr. man

exactly. you take the sincere advice, then adapt it to who you are.

grandma is not necessarily gonna tell you to have a hot one nighter with someone with amazing doughy eyes but she still mighta done it. and maybe you should too. maybe we all should! (yeah, i already did. and i'll do it again, god willing.)

Apr 18 12 - 3:04pm
Been Married Twice

Grandma is right on the spot with ALL of it!!!

Apr 24 12 - 5:56pm
Lloyd A. Oestreicher

GRANDMA IS 100% RIGHT LISTEN TO HER.

Apr 18 12 - 3:21pm
Divorcee with Kids

If someone would have wrote this to me when I started dating...I most likely would NOT be DIVORCED with KIDS! Grandma is right on, and those that think she is out of touch have probably not lived on this earth very long!

Apr 23 12 - 9:37pm
Really?

So if someone had written you a letter you wouldn't have had kids with a jerk? Is that all it would have taken?

Apr 24 12 - 10:31am
esh

yes. sometimes it takes seeing something in black and white to realize your mistakes, or realize you are about to make a big mistake. i wish i had a Grandma Carmela telling me what life was about at 20 - her advice is a bit dated but people now a days are too consumed with fast sex. she was looking out for her grand daughter.

Apr 18 12 - 3:57pm
bob

wanting sex everyday doesn't make men pigs. it doesn't make women sluts either. I want to get a letter from my gramps.
1. Women act like they don't like to fuck, but they are full of shit. They want it more than you. Just better at hiding it.
2. if she won't suck your dick dump her.
3. all of them get a 90 period. if they fuck up during that time, next them
4. Use a rubber every time. Exceptions can be made in long term relationships, after trust is built. But really, if you don't trust her, don't be fuckin her.
5. You can get away with lots of things by saying " I was drunk" - this goes both ways.
6. You have to be direct, most of them won't be.
7. Have fun with adventurous girls while you are young, but when you are ready to settle down find yourself a virgin.
(these are not my opinions btw, just putting things in that an 80 year old would tell his grandson, because an 80 year old man isn't going to be writing letters)

Apr 21 12 - 7:13am
Judy

Bob, you must be a boy because a man would'nt write what you did, I'm sure if grandma were writing a grandson you would'nt have been so mad about what was said? The grandma did'nt write to you, she wrote to her GRANDAUGHTER that she LOVE'S very much and wanted to help her in a way that she knows, after all she is in her 80's,and this was a letter of love, and hope that might help the grandaughter that she LOVE'S with all her HEART! so be kind. Bob, she did'nt write the letter to you, or any other guy reading it!!!!

Apr 23 12 - 10:44pm
drakma

A letter of love about how men are pigs and out to get you.

Think about if a man had advised his grandson to not buy women meals because they just want a handout?

Or not tell a woman about your salary because they just want a payday from you.

It's seri0usly sexist.

Aug 21 12 - 8:19am
bookmole

She was advising her grandaughter not to fall into the Well I bought you a meal, so you owe me. Or are you saying guys no longer expect sex becuase they paid out some hard-earned cash for your entertainment / nourishment. Not all guys are like this, I admit, but it was a theme when I was dating. So Going Dutch is good advice for both sexes.

And in the days when she was writing, a woman could not get a loan on her own, own their own house, or work once she had children. So not sexist, just good advice.

Apr 18 12 - 4:45pm
mr. man

mr. man's version, inspired by bob (above). some of the ladies will not like this, but give me a fair shake, bitches.

My beloved Babymaker,

1. To know if you are both in love, you feel a "connection" in bed. If you feel that it is love, keep it to yourself for as long as possible, because some bitchez are crazy and once you tell them you love them they act like freaks and run away b/c they have self-esteem issues.

2. There is real love that everyone wants but it does not happen to everyone — it is called "soul-mates," spiritual, supernatural. This is the highest form of love — it is a religious feeling. Your chances of finding your soul mate, or a soul mate, are equal to winning the lottery, but it's still better to hold out for this than to marry some naggy wench.

3. Re: sex, do everything you're interested in. If your bitch is frigid, you will live a life of misery even if her body is crackin'. Find a fun girl who likes to fuck and laugh about fucking. Cause fucking is funny and it should be fun too. If it's not fun, then run. All of life is to be made fun of and enjoyed b/c otherwise it is too serious and dark to be tolerated.

4. Always make sure everything is clean. On you. On her. Everybody should shave everything b/c that makes oral sex AWESOME!

5. Some women are lying whores. They'll play the prude then fuck your friend in the bathroom. If you realize your woman is a lying whore you're fucked. Stay with her as long as the sex is great, then run away once it turns into a nightmare. Follow Ice-T's advice: If your girl is fly, you must be more fly or she will own your ass.

6. Anal sex is awesome with the right person, but it should probably be done moderately b/c that is a delicate orifice and you don't want your gal to have long term problems.

7. Some women are more likely to come if you rough house them a little. It's offensive to them if you discuss it in advance, but if you do it (as comes naturally to you) she will almost beg you for more. This is a natural behavior from cavepeople days. You can never discuss your knowledge of this with your gal or she will accuse you of misogyny.

8. Sometimes foreplay is good, sometimes it's unnecessary. Follow your intuition and feelings, and the response of your partner. Do what you feel. Pay attention to what she feels, and how she responds. Be generous and let her be generous.

9. Never marry anyone who doesn't totally rock your world intellectually, sexually, emotionally, humor-ly (that's not a word). Anything less is settling and pointless.

10. Lots of men are psychotic control freaks. Do not be one of these men b/c that's fucking lame. Don't let your gal be one either, or ditch her. If you're too insecure to be in a relationship then fix yourself before you ruin someone else's life.

11. Stylish women often go into massive debt by spending too much money on fashion. watch out for these gals! If she has $20k-$30k in debt when you meet her, you're fucked. Not your future wife.

12. Don't be cheap. You only live once. Be generous. But don't be a sugar daddy, cause that's lame.

13. If there is real chemistry chances are you'll have sex within 3 dates. It's like sparks in the air, and they're either there or they're not. You are not allowed to think of a woman as easy if she sleeps with you in the first 3 dates, and often a gal like this is absolutely still relationship material. Everybody wants to fuck. If there is trust then fucking may commence earlier than mores would dictate.

14. Be happy, be with someone whose company you enjoy and you can't live without, and respect each other. Hopefully you find a gal who likes to go dancing too, b/c that is hot!

15. A committed relationship evolves naturally. There is no specific timetable. If a gal tries to force a commitment before it's time then her stupid friends are probably to blame. Tough call on how to handle.

16. If she keeps telling you what her friends think of your various behaviors you are fucked. Jealous friends fuck their girlfriends over with bad relationship advice. If your bitch is beholden to those other bitchez then it will absolutely never work. Run away.

17. Hope you find the happiness you deserve. There should be love, respect, admiration, trust, and a mental and physical connection. If you find "true love," you will live happily every after. That is true.

Love,

Grandpa Mr. Man

Apr 21 12 - 8:57am
Sinéad

I love this advice the best.

Humour, pragmatism and hope.

I think Grandma's letter was a little more like enduring pigs and minimizing the annoyance.

I understand where you are coming from.

Apr 21 12 - 3:12pm
Hmm...

It seems entirely possible that women who won't sleep with you (emphasis on you) aren't "frigid". And maybe women who "run away" when you tell them you love them don't have "self-esteem issues." It could be they don't want to have unsolicited rough sex with a man who calls them a "bitch" and uses the lyrics of Ice T as relationship gospel. Still, if recent history has taught us anything, you could write this up as a book and a lot of men would buy it. Consider adding samples of Axe body spray in the middle to really hook your target demographic.

Apr 23 12 - 4:10pm
Reader of article

It seems you are reacting to his "version" the same way the other poster did to the Grandma. It is not fun when you are on the end of the judgement either way. He probably was offended by the stuff the Grandma said....you basically need to be perfect to deserve the woman. And if the guy makes a letter to "spoof" that, he can not doubt that a bunch of offended women will respond in EQUAL or MORE measure in protest. It goes both ways, except, I haven't learned this, that the guy's opinion on here is considered "sexist" and from a "pig" if it is contrary to the woman's, even if it were true.

That being said, people deserve good relationships and they should involve a 50/50 contribution, not pandering from either gender or "settling" or being someone's "bitch" etc.

God Bless.

Apr 23 12 - 4:26pm
O)))

Grandma and Grandpa both gave fantastic, accurate advice. This made my day.

Apr 24 12 - 1:40am
Lin12

Please realize how very different times are today and don't be so hard on her or this man for not realizing that.Some of what Grandma said can apply today and some of what Mr Man said applies today. So come on ,let up and smile.

Apr 24 12 - 4:16pm
<3

"Re: sex, do everything you're interested in. If your bitch is frigid, you will live a life of misery even if her body is crackin'. Find a fun girl who likes to fuck and laugh about fucking. Cause fucking is funny and it should be fun too. If it's not fun, then run. All of life is to be made fun of and enjoyed b/c otherwise it is too serious and dark to be tolerated."

best advice in the "grandpa" letter, though calling women bitches doesn't show much respect... and no means no, doesn't necessarily mean shes frigid just she has a different idea about sex then you do which means you probably are not right for each other. sex should be fun and enjoyed by both parties! women should always be respected and not put down because they are not into the same things as you.

Apr 24 12 - 4:41pm
mr. man

just for the record: (1) grandpa mr. man does not think violence towards women is ok, but assertiveness & a certain boldness strike me as necessary unless you plan to be a doormat. (2) mr. man is really more a stetson guy, though he does not wear a cowboy hat. (3) the words bitchez, bitch, and bitches are funny and i will never stop using them. i also call men bitches, especially when they drive like... fucking bitches.

Apr 24 12 - 9:37pm
Someone

I'm liking the feminism around here . It goes to say how much of a long way feminine personality has evolved into some kind of privileged abomination inclined and transformed only to feel its own desires, wants , likes and dislikes.

It goes to show how much selfishness has dug up into women's hearts so much as it is clouding their brain with FEMININE ELITISM.

Just as Grandma pointed out some things about men I think it shows how much her view over her particular sex is elitistic and downright discriminative. Since there is no such thing as a perfect man , and since her daughter , who doesn't look like Angelina Jolie or some sort of Scarlett Johansonn , creating a veil of issues surrounding men pertaining to the fact that it's most of their fault because something doesn't work is entirely fallacious and misguided.

I really like some of her advice but some of her views regarding men are really erroneous.
Women aren't perfect, they're just as fucked up as men are.

Apr 25 12 - 5:42am
LOL

I like Mr. Man's letter and Grandma's! #12 on Mr. Man's is my fav!

Apr 18 12 - 7:21pm
Boss Ladt

Kudos to grandma who spoke from her heart; I am not sure I could be as detailed and explicit but alot of what Grandma says is true or has truths in it depending on what type of person you are. Oh and by the way in the 40's men came home from WWII with what was previously known as "Veneral Diseases" and they were treated with antibiotics. Perhaps Grandma had personal experience with this. Given all her life experience Grandma doles out some good advice. Grandpa man I wish your advice was as "fucking" eloquent. :)

Apr 19 12 - 11:06am
Mr. Man

Grandpa Mr. Man is here to help the world.

Apr 18 12 - 7:57pm
Lucia

Halfway through, I began to wonder if they were Italian, and... yep, Carmela Denisco :D

Apr 19 12 - 1:52pm
CM

Hahaha same! My Italian grandma would give me most of this advice. Not so much the sex stuff because she was a virgin when she got married, but the rest--yes. In fact I have heard it.

Apr 20 12 - 2:09pm
Salma

I like it for what it is.

Apr 21 12 - 9:24am
GeronimoX

Anal sex is fine just don't do ATP and ATM, swallowing semen is good for you and the remark about throat STD's made me LOL ROTF.

Apr 21 12 - 11:14pm
Dr Internet

You can get throat STDs. It is actually becoming routine to swab the throat for gonorrhoea and chlamydia as standard these days. The more you know...

Apr 21 12 - 10:00am
Lilly Wu

Childhood obesity

Apr 21 12 - 6:51pm
MJO

My 85 year old granny would NEVER speak to me about sex. This is pretty good advice. Carmela, if you are for real, you are spot on.

Apr 22 12 - 1:51am
Nicki

Yeah, "if you are for real" - because this entire thing has fake written all over it like Elaine Benice's orgasms: fake! fake! fake!

Apr 22 12 - 6:16pm
dhimo

good luck finding "love" in multicultural , materialistic neo-liberal societies like North America, more likely racial inferiority and plent of whorishness from both sexes
Personally I haven't seen a decent girl in more than 6 years

Apr 23 12 - 8:33pm
dino

well said. it is sad, but true !

Apr 24 12 - 10:24am
Alex Heigl

Agreed! North America's racial inferiority and whorishness is really getting out of control. But those fat cats in Washington are blinkered to it! Viva la Revolucion!

Apr 23 12 - 1:25am
markv

Interestingly men still want it every day.

Apr 23 12 - 4:14pm
Reader of article

Yes, and are still questioned for wanting it apparently. Are we not men? Are women not women? Jeez... we're made to do it. You do everything else you need to do, and you should respect your partner, but damn... I don't understand people who don't realize that is the sexual nature of men, and likely, women.

Thank you.

Apr 23 12 - 10:32pm
Amanda

How incredibly beautiful their relationship must be. I have been lucky enough to have a grandma who is my best friend. She knows everything about me, especially things that I would never tell my own mom. She has been there and back and has so much knowledge to share. It is good to know that these two have that kind of relationship too.

Apr 23 12 - 11:20pm
Crystal

This is so cute and heart felt. She really wants her Granddaughter to have a happier life. I am 30 and newly divorced and so much hits home.

Apr 24 12 - 1:10am
Beenthere

If resentment fills the day, you can't expect bed to work out well, so don't spend too much time and energy on a relationship that is never quite right and repeatedly a little disapponting - don't shortchange yourself. That's why it's so important to be good friends who enjo y each other's company and admire and respect each other. If you have humour and respect and chemistry, everything goes.

Apr 24 12 - 9:16am
Over40

I don't know the average age of commenters on here, but you guys are way too critical of this great grandmother sharing her advice. It is full of warmth and most of the advice is fairly sound. I have to wonder if some of you weren't raised on porn videos and think that's how sex really is (which it is not).

Once you are in your 40s, you will appreciate letters like this and not become so uppity about the accuracy. When have kids learning abstinence only in schools (thanks to the fundies) and you want to squelch this grandmother's advice about STDs?

May 03 12 - 12:43pm
J-le-J

Nothing wrong with a decent critique... clearly folks are stimulated by this woman's frank communication with her granddaughter for good reason: it's what EVERYONE should get to have! That people, including those of us OVER 40, want to update it and apply it to their own experiences shows the power of it.

Apr 24 12 - 11:06am
Chris in SD

I'm not a fan of #5. While it's true many men are pigs, I don't think wanting sex every day makes you one. And what does that say about the woman who's not only in a relationship with a pig, but also continues to enable him through handjobs?

I don't want sex every day, but I definitely want it more than my wife. A woman who dusts off her box every other month is no woman. If that makes me a pig, so be it; at least I'd be getting a handjob out of the deal.

May 03 12 - 12:46pm
J-le-J

Yup. Felt the same way about it. For every female who is annoyed with a male with an incompatible libido there should be bold recognition that clearly a mismatch makes things difficult, and in relationships with wider disparities in libidinous need, disaster. Going to blaming the other and casting them as PIGS is counterproductive but less labor intensive.

Apr 24 12 - 11:21am
Elaine

Are you kidding me!! 100% of this letter is GREAT for NOW!! Your sex life is your business, but what this woman said remains true. Take your precautions, and have your opinions, but what she said is true. Even about the gold digging boyfriend. I have a wonderful husband and life because my mother gave me similar advice to this. That includes the money part. And OVER 40 is right: this is the porn generation who live haphazardly. So they can't appreciate this advice. But they will after they've been through somethings. It's that bought knowledge experience they are pining for.

Apr 24 12 - 5:46pm
Lesley

Whether you agree or not with the article, I think the bigger picture is the communication. We should all be so lucky to be able to communicate with our family.

Apr 24 12 - 6:01pm
Rasmus

So what she is saying is that if you find your soulmate and you know it's your wife to be, you should dump her straight away if she has any kind of money problems... that's a little...

Apr 24 12 - 8:44pm
Crissy

What I really want to know is: How is Alison's love live going?

Apr 24 12 - 8:49pm
cRISSY

*LIFE

Apr 24 12 - 10:42pm
Johnz

Judging by the picture, grandma should have also said "lose some weight, guys aren't faithful to bigger girls"

Apr 24 12 - 11:48pm
psh

oh really Johnzzzzz? is that how it works? get back in your fuckin cave, no one likes you.

Apr 25 12 - 1:00am
I'm laughing

XD well if you are not stupid and you read all the comments you'll know exactly what to do.

Apr 25 12 - 2:31am
Christopher

Grandma's have more common sense. Hope her grand daughter makes use of it.

Apr 25 12 - 9:56am
Jerry

This is good advice but not 100% accurate for today's day and age.

I come from a broken home. I had debt, bankruptcy, and a shitty credit score when my wife and I married. We managed to pull things together and buy a house in the first 3 years. I have a very good middle class job, and we've been happily married for 14 years.

That said this letter should be given to EVERY girl when she's ready.

Apr 25 12 - 10:14am
MEB

"11. ... If he has credit card debt, DUMP him immediately! ...

12. Should you date a man who is stingy, dollar conscious, and you love to spend money, the relationship will never work unless you are a thrifty person yourself, then you can put up with him."

Generally, it is hard to be both profligate and have no credit card debt and those who will invariably have no debt will be those who are extremely frugal (aka "stingy") and dollar conscious. Reading between the lines, what the grandmother is really saying is that she should find a man who will spend lavishly on her, who will be rich enough to do this without having to use credit cards and then presumably pay off her credit card debt which is the invariable outcome of "you love to spend money." This reads more likes a recipe for finding a "sugar daddy" than a soul-mate.

May 03 12 - 12:39pm
J-le-J

I took her advise there as clearly generational... but it did get me thinking about how one might update that premise for today. I sure don't want my daughter to be in unnecessary debt or to be with a guy who has reckless or careless debts... although despite her mom's and my frugality and attempts to transmit that, she's not getting that message. *facepalm*

Apr 25 12 - 11:06pm
whoever

My beloved Alison,

Demand fairy tale love from a fictional, ideal man. Treat all real men like crap.

Love,
Your bitter old grandma

May 02 12 - 8:53pm
<3

FUNNY STUFF...
A bit bitter, but you're entitled to your opinions.
The advice was well-meant, and the grandma only wanted the best for her children.
I don't claim to be a psychiatrist, but the grandma kind of wants to live on through her granddaughter and since she didn't get her happily ever after, she wants one for her granddaughter. In reality, most mediocre people score mediocre deals. Just how it is.

Apr 25 12 - 11:10pm
Umm...

So she should expect perfect love while showing none? Good advice if she wants to end up angry and alone.

Apr 26 12 - 2:06am
45 Year Old Man NC

This advise is very good and just as easily could have been written in the reverse. I am a Man that is 45. have basically had 4 wives. (married 3 times - the other did not want to get married - for reasons below, but wanted children) All 4 came from broken homes. The first was doomed to failure as we were young. She was 16 and I was 17. Joined the military and by the time i was done with my tour, so was the marriage, as she wanted someone that was much older, I guess looking for a father figure. We had 2 children together. She moved away not to be seen again for over 10 years, even PIs and the state could not find her. The second per-say wife was in the "party days" and when the partying was over so was the "marriage" I wanted to settle down and she wanted a woman the be her love. Then the 3rd wife was i believe nothing more than a rescue (as i realized the others were also) After a few years of touring the country and having a child, she realized she was not ready to "grow up and raise a family" and left the child with me. Although there was never any "cheating on either of our parts" it was destined for failure as she was reminiscing on old boyfriends she had found on the internet. Then the 4th one was met on the internet and from thebeginning it was lies on her part about her situation and found out later that she was always a person that did wrong by her past mates. Dating seemed to be wonderful until about a year after we were married, then she slept with her biological syblings brother, then my biological brother, then her best friend and her best friend's husband to which i knew nothing about until i got home to find my daughter alone in the house sleeping and her eldest daughter said she needed to run out for a min. when i got in the house it was basically bare. no notes, nothing to go on. - well I wanted to give you my story so you would know a bit about me... Now grandma is right and the advise would have saved me from 4 failed marriages, countless heartaches and our children that came from broken homes also.

May 03 12 - 8:23pm
Kesh

What. The. Flipping. Hell?!

Apr 26 12 - 4:05pm
Gypsy

Grandma Carmela,
Your my grandma now too!!!!!

Apr 28 12 - 1:10am
Heather

I know men who have literally NEVER washed their penises. So ahem. They thought "it naturally keeps itself clean". So hence the remark about needing to wash penis with soap and water. LITERALLY they never washed themselves ! I am not making this up !

May 03 12 - 12:34pm
J-le-J

That's just ghastly. Although I suppose there are people with higher thresholds for dirt. I never met a woman who didn't inspect my grooming ability. Maybe it's a thing among those with good hygiene... I never was much for women who weren't somewhat fastidious in that department. Maybe along with a supply of condoms, a bar of soap is a good addition to the nightstand drawer? LOL!

May 01 12 - 3:17pm
Louis

Coming from an older generation, the advice is spot on. Remember, this is a grandmother who is giving advice to a grandaughter that she knows, and they have probably discussed problems and failures in her granddaughters life, so while it seems that the advice paints all men as pigs, she is giving advice on meeting strangers who you may end up spending a lifetime with in good or bad circumstances.
One of the posters was confused about the advice to spend vacations and weekends with her boyfriend. Taking that advice will eliminate married men who are lying about their status. I know, it doesn't happen, until it happens.

I came from a rural background, and bathing and cleaning the genital area is not a common practice among some people, and some cultures in either sex

I realize that not coming from a broken home seems old fashioned today, but I grew up in an era and a rural area in the midwest where divorce tarrred a woman's reputation for life. When one of my four brothers got divorced, it sent shock waves through our entire family. Life has changed, and my daughter is married do a divorced man from a broken home, and their marriage is as normal and, thankfully, boring as the rest of ours.

The best advice was that on marrying a partner with which you share a common view on finances. I am a spender, my wife is a saver, and financial arguments put more strain on our marriage than religion, child rearing, sex, and politics.

I met a soulmate, we went together for a year, her parents opposed our engagement, we broke up for five years, she called, we were married in five months, and will celebrate our 45th year together this year. She is Italien, she is heavy, I am Irish, I have a bad temper, and I am more in love today than the week we broke up, and I lost 15 lbs. in one week due to my dispair.

May 04 12 - 8:20pm
queenyasmeen

Amen, Louis. I'm in my thirties but what you said makes a lot of sense to me. Grandma Carmela is writing to her (presumably straight) granddaughter, so telling her that "most men are pigs" is a means of telling her to be on her guard. I think if she were writing to a straight grandson she'd say something similar about women. To your closest loved ones, nobody's good enough for you, and that's the way it should be.

May 04 12 - 8:24pm
queenyasmeen

Although, to clarify, I ain't giving nobody no hand job unless I feel like it. And I want sex every day (though that's far from my reality) but I don't think I'm a sow (lady pig) for it.

May 02 12 - 7:59pm
trish

I suspect many of the haters here are under 30 and never married. Grandma's advice is spot-on, ALL of it.

Example: Young women may think it's strange to want it all over with in 7 minutes, but once you're 40+, after your body's spent from popping out a few kids, working, running a household, carpool, your teenager's wide awake in the next room, your hormones are failing you, etc., 7 minutes is about all you can muster with a smile.

Be glad Grandma's advice is so practical. She's got perspective a 25-year-old -- even a sensitive one -- lacks!

May 08 12 - 3:00pm
purple shell

So sad to hear. I am soon to be 80 and I miss sex since my wonderful husband died. We always made love. When younger 2 or 3 times a day. We saw each other and before speaking or knowing names, we knew we would marry. We had almost 60 wonderful years together. Wonderful children & grandchildren

May 02 12 - 11:09pm
Love and Light

I'd like to think in a well adjusted society that there are those who now how to wait a bit for someone they
care about, those who don't mind waiting at leat 6 dates and those who wait less time but are very very safe. Just as important, those who still want love and won't settle for less. Many men who truly like women
will wait and don't mind waiting. Different strokes for different folks!!!

May 03 12 - 11:05am
Maureen

Grandma said it all! Some things are timeless! As well they should be. Wish I'd had a Grandmother like this!

May 04 12 - 8:28pm
queenyasmeen

Exactly. While I'm not giving anybody a hand job when I don't feel like it, and a lot of the rest of this letter isn't for me, my dearly departed, fundamentalist Christian, anti-sex grandma only ever gave me one piece of sex or dating advice (that I haven't repressed, anyway): "Don't wear short skirts. People may give you the idea that men like this, but they really don't. They like a modest girl." I loved the woman and miss her, but seriously, this letter could have been a lot wackier and still endearing and touching.

May 03 12 - 12:27pm
J-le-J

A wonderful intimate letter to her granddaughter. Now THAT'S a good Grandma. My late paternal Grandmother was like that. Sat me down one afternoon and wrote me a list across her kitchen table. She was always a kook and I adored her for it. "Now, honey, one artist to another, don't listen to non-artistic people's bullshit. They're not you and they don't know how it is with people like us...." Her sex advice was similar but a bit more contemporary. Her advice was to "get things moving up front. You don't wanna be stuck in a marriage with someone who is sexually incompatible. You owe her that much. There are condoms and good medicine these days, those idiots who want you to wait are stuck in last century." She warned too that "getting things moving up front" like that was going to be rough in a culture where women are taught to wait until marriage (don't know that this is true but women talk like that a lot). As it turns out she was accurate. Sexual incompatibility early on is a complete disaster later. Find out sooner. Spend timed dating people who dig what you dig. Nothing quite like speaking frankly about sex with your Gramma. Most memorable experience ever.

Outside the context of the letter and it's intended reader: #5 does offend—and that need not be cause for those who disagree to just go off as they have above, especially if you extend your space beyond your own nose and put yourself in another's body for a moment. A vibrant libido does not make one a "pig." I wonder about the advisory to provide manual stim... without the right attitude, that can be just as insulting (to both partners) as begrudgingly doing other things. My Gramma's contrarian advice holds up to experience. I wish I'd have listened to her. It sucks when the heart wants what the heart wants when the heart disconnects from the body's needs. What a clusterfrack.

May 17 12 - 11:46pm
Frank

I've found better advice written on the walls of bathrooms at gas stations.

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