Sex Advice From Nick Kroll

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The comedian and actor on awkward sexual encounters, groupies, and the wisdom of cats. 

Has the release of your first comedy special gotten you any extra female attention?
The special first came out on TV, but now that it’s on DVD, it’s definitely helped me. Any time you’re on TV you’re going to get more attention, but once you’re on DVD you’re really in people’s minds, souls, and hearts. And that’s what I want to do — invade the souls, minds, and hearts of every woman in America… and Canada.

What kind of men or women would Bobby, Fabrice and El Chupy be interested in?
The bottom line is that all of my characters just want to be loved. Bobby is looking for a woman who has skin the color of carrot cake. A nice orange tint who will remind him of, but never measure up to his mother. Chupacabra isn’t an openly sexual person, but my guess is he likes a large, curvaceous woman who can… you know, who doesn’t mind having their blood sucked. He’s really looking for an actual goat whose blood he can suck. And Fabrice is an equal-opportunity fuck monster. Man, woman, sunglasses — he fucks everything and anything as long as they don’t fuck with him.

What tips could Bobby Bottleservice give to men who are re-entering the dating scene?
Bobby can teach a man how to compliment a lady. To show her that he knows and respects her. I think he knows how to teach men to use their lips, to purse them. I think he can show men that you need a cell phone and a cell-phone holster to show women that you’re good at business. And always come at a woman from a thirty- or forty-five degree angle, and always put your hand over your mouth. It shows that you’re a very reputable person.

You’ve said that the cold, indifferent qualities that you hate in cats, you actually love in women. What other feline traits do you find appealing?
I think men and women like a little more of a challenge. You feed cats, you put a roof over their heads, and they couldn’t seem less grateful for it. Because of that, you are constantly pining for their love and affection. That way, when they do come up and purr up on you, you think you’re really really special, but once they’re done getting scratched, they’re back outside trying to kill a mouse, so you’re constantly trying to get back to getting that cat to purr on your lap.

That’s what it’s like dealing with someone you’re trying to date. You can show them attention, but if you give them too much attention and love, they sort of lose interest. We all want the challenge of a cat. That’s why dogs aren’t as sexy as cats — they make it too easy. They can’t control their boners, they’ll lick anything… I mean, they eat poop. They just don’t care.

Dogs you just want to hang out with and go to a movie. Have an ugly-Sunday brunch. The cat, you want to get dressed up and go to a club downtown and have sex in the bathroom with him. You want to impress the cat and then realize that at two in the morning the cat’s just gonna take off and you’re like, “Where’s my wallet?”

Do comedians like yourself have groupies?
Anybody can have groupies. It just depends on what you define as a groupie and what you’re willing to do. I’ve definitely had beautiful women who say that they like my stuff, which is always nice. I’ve also had pasty, fourteen-year old, 300-pound boys say that they’re fans… and that truly is my type. No, I’m kidding. I really just want to have sex with fat cats. Literally, fat cats.

Can we talk about your most embarrassing sexual encounter?
I think that dumb people have better sex. Smart people like me, we think too much. It’s dumb people who have the best sex of all because they don’t think. They just straight-up screw. One time I was on a farm and I was making out with a girl, literally rolling around in the hay, and we didn’t realize that the hay was infested with ants and we ended up covered in ants.

What are you doing on a farm?
It was a kibbutz in Israel.

I recently cheated on my girlfriend while she was out of town for a few weeks. Now she’s coming home and I’m overcome with guilt. Other than confessing, what can I do to cope?
Um, be a man? If you cheated on your girlfriend, you don’t want to be with her, so break up. Confessing is for the person who cheated, not the partner. If you need to confess, break up with her. Cheating is usually a manifestation of something wrong with the relationship, not just pure, “Oh God, I've got to have sex with somebody else!”

My long-distance boyfriend and I have phone sex regularly, but now he wants to start doing it over video chat. I make it a rule not to have any naked images of myself on the web, but I still want to make him happy. Tips?
Draw flip books and send them via mail. So draw a flip book of what you fantasize about and then have him draw a flip book and send that back to you. It’ll take a little longer, but it’ll be worth the wait. And you only need one hand to flip a book.

Recently, my girlfriend used my computer, saw a bunch of porn sites in my browser history, and freaked out. Now she’s convinced that I watch all this porn cause I want to sleep with other people. How can I explain that watching porn is normal?
It’s hard for people to understand, but sometimes what you look for in porn is not what you're actually interested in in a relationship. Like, you don’t want to stick a coffee cup inside of your girlfriend, but sometimes you like the idea of seeing that.

Let me start over. First off, clear the browser. Second, there’s probably something to be learned about what you’re watching. If it’s something that turns you on, maybe you should be talking to your girlfriend about that.

Some people have a “Porn Verite” thing — if there’s a girl with fake breasts or a ridiculous outfit, it takes them out of it cause they’re very aware they’re watching a porn. What are your preferences?
I want to see the Dogme 95 of porn. The Danish film-school version of porn. No extra lights, slightly improvised, and only involving Danish people. I’d also love to see mumblecore porn. That’d be amazing.