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Sex Advice From Nick Kroll
The comedian and actor on awkward sexual encounters, groupies, and the wisdom of cats.
By Carlos Cabrera
Has the release of your first comedy special gotten you any extra female attention?
The special first came out on TV, but now that it’s on DVD, it’s definitely helped me. Any time you’re on TV you’re going to get more attention, but once you’re on DVD you’re really in people’s minds, souls, and hearts. And that’s what I want to do — invade the souls, minds, and hearts of every woman in America... and Canada.
What kind of men or women would Bobby, Fabrice and El Chupy be interested in?
The bottom line is that all of my characters just want to be loved. Bobby is looking for a woman who has skin the color of carrot cake. A nice orange tint who will remind him of, but never measure up to his mother. Chupacabra isn’t an openly sexual person, but my guess is he likes a large, curvaceous woman who can… you know, who doesn’t mind having their blood sucked. He’s really looking for an actual goat whose blood he can suck. And Fabrice is an equal-opportunity fuck monster. Man, woman, sunglasses — he fucks everything and anything as long as they don’t fuck with him.
What tips could Bobby Bottleservice give to men who are re-entering the dating scene?
Bobby can teach a man how to compliment a lady. To show her that he knows and respects her. I think he knows how to teach men to use their lips, to purse them. I think he can show men that you need a cell phone and a cell-phone holster to show women that you’re good at business. And always come at a woman from a thirty- or forty-five degree angle, and always put your hand over your mouth. It shows that you’re a very reputable person.
You’ve said that the cold, indifferent qualities that you hate in cats, you actually love in women. What other feline traits do you find appealing?
I think men and women like a little more of a challenge. You feed cats, you put a roof over their heads, and they couldn’t seem less grateful for it. Because of that, you are constantly pining for their love and affection. That way, when they do come up and purr up on you, you think you’re really really special, but once they’re done getting scratched, they’re back outside trying to kill a mouse, so you’re constantly trying to get back to getting that cat to purr on your lap.
That’s what it’s like dealing with someone you’re trying to date. You can show them attention, but if you give them too much attention and love, they sort of lose interest. We all want the challenge of a cat. That’s why dogs aren’t as sexy as cats — they make it too easy. They can’t control their boners, they’ll lick anything... I mean, they eat poop. They just don’t care.
Dogs you just want to hang out with and go to a movie. Have an ugly-Sunday brunch. The cat, you want to get dressed up and go to a club downtown and have sex in the bathroom with him. You want to impress the cat and then realize that at two in the morning the cat’s just gonna take off and you’re like, “Where’s my wallet?”